July 09, 2020, 10:27:04 pm

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"Welcome to WiseWomenUnite.com -- When adult children marry and leave home, life can sometimes get more complex instead of simpler.  Being a mother-in-law or daughter-in-law can be tough.  How do we extend love and support to our mothers-in-law, adult children, daughters-in-law, sons-in-law, and grandchildren without interfering?  What do we do when there are communication problems?  How can we ask for help when we need it without being a burden?  And how do our family members feel about these issues?  We invite you to join our free forum, read some posts... and when you're ready...share your challenges and wisdom."


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Messages - PoppyMillie

1
I can sometimes get a little over passionate about this topic. My best friend had problems with her in laws before she had her first baby. The stress, tension and fighting cause a few health problems, and a drop in the baby's heart beat. He was delivered by emergency, almost one month before the due date. They kept the baby in hospital for two weeks after, and she was feeling off for quite some time after. I really felt for her. The doctors said that stress was the major cause!.
2
I know I am going to get blocked for saying these comments. But quite frankly... I don't care. Because there are too sides to every story. Why do you think that hospitals place hand soap dispensers at the entrance at EVERY patient's door? They are not there for decoration! Have you ever noticed how the nurses/ doctors use them every time they see a new person/ patient!. Do you know that even through you have had your vaccines, you are still a carrier?! How much germs/ bacteria do you think you pick up, drag up going through a hospital, full of sick people, only to pass on these germs to a baby with minimal vaccines and compressed immune system. For what, bragging rights as to who held the baby first? I hope it was worth putting your grandchild's health at risk for the sack of your ego.

As for the another issue. Why does a woman, who has just given birth, have to play hostess? It is stressful at the best of times ( even when the guest is trying to be helpful), but why just after she has given birth? It is like inviting yourself to stay at someone home, just after they had surgery! It is just wrong. I understand that looking after children, makes you feel young and useful again, but you have had your turn. Now it's their turn- NOT YOURS.
3
Isn't it odd how a small issue ( like giving the mother 1 week to recover) has turned into a huge problem, where the baby could potentially be without its grandparents for years. The mother of the child doesn't need the stress of all this at this point in time. I think that all parties concerned need to regroup and focus. The baby is not going to be worst off if he/ she doesn't see his/ her grandparents in his/her first week of life. The MIL sounds overbearing. Maybe that is why your daughter asked for a week to recover. I am postgrad psychology student. One of the things that I discovered in development psychology is that babies who have many visitors in the first month of their life, struggle with feeding from their mother. This is the result of lack of intimate bonding with the mother, and constant visitors and being passed around between friends and family members. Grandparents need to realise that their role in their grandchildren's lives is secondary at best!. It is essential ( in the first 3 months) for a baby's well being to establish a firm bond with its mother first!. But hey, as long as your needs as grandparents are met, who cares right? Even if you put the mother's and babies life at risk with all this tension and stress.
4
I come from an Italian family. We would never dream of charging interest to our family. Because it is making a profit from your own family. Sometimes the older generation will lend money to the younger generation for a property or starting a new business. However, it is implied that the younger generation will support the older in their retirement. ( I.e. With income, a place to live, and home support if required). In our family it's all about give and take. With everyone focusing on giving to each other. ( time, and money)
5
I can understand this! The one thing that I am yet to hear is about the welfare of the mother and the child. Stress can delay the onset of milk. (But that seems to be ok in everyone's eyes, as long as they get to see/ hold the baby).  I know during the 70s/80s mothers stayed in hospital up to a week. This allowed the mother time to recover from labor, and it also allowed time for the mother to bond and to get used to breast feeding schedules. Today mothers leave the hospital, as soon as they can, sometimes on the same day. And there is no nurses at home to tell visitors to get out when the mother and child get too tired to entertain visitors. Maybe the mother could compromise, and have a visiting time in the first couple of days, and once everyone has had their baby fix, they can leave the mother and baby in peace.
6
I agree with pooh on this one!. MIL are often with the sons before the wedding ceremony. Making sure the boys have their ties on correct. And those buttonhole flowers... A MIL is always good to have on hand to ensure that those are put on correctly. Plus a mother likes to give her son a few words of advice. ( this is what I have observed- I am neither married or have had children). Usually the MIL will get her chance to wish the bride good luck before she is walked down the aisle by her husband to her seat. I can't remember the order of the precessional... 1. Priest 2. Mil/Fil, 3. Mob/ best man?, 4. flower girl/ ring bearer, bridesmaids, than bride and FOB. Anyway, I think that you included  your MIL as  much as you could. But maybe you could have involved your mother more. My mother died 2 years after my sister's wedding. Some of the best pics is of my mum before the ceremony. I am so glad my sister allow her to do that, otherwise I wouldn't have such wonderful memories or such wonderful pictures to remind me of that day!.
7
I agree with Pen. I think that if MILs approach dILs the same way as they would their daughters, then there could be problems. And it is a simple case of not knowing each other too well, and not knowing how the family operates. I also think that the closer that DILIs are with their own mothers, the harder it is to establish a close bond with the MIL. The main problem I had was that I didn't need another mother, and she was too interfering. It wasn't all bad, we had his grandparents on our side, and they step in, (all 4 off them), and asked her to let us live our own life, but it didn't work. Some men should come with warning labels!
8
I have been in this exact situation. We are now longer together, as I reach the conclusion, that he could have simply put a stop to his mother's malpulutive behaviour at the beginning by saying ' this is the women I have chosen as my wife, my life partner, the future mother of my children/ your grandchildren, when you disrespect her, you disrepect my ability to make life changing decisions. Accept it, or don't be apart of my life anymore.

I know that this sounds harsh, but unless you can achieve a harmonious environment now, there is really no point in getting married, and introducing children into the situation, and it will only get worse.

My ex partners mother went out of her way to stop us from being together. She put a stop to several weddings by throwing trantrums to the point that my partner couldn't handle the stress and would cancel. I was particularly angry at the last one because we knew that my mother had terminal cancer, and it was the last chance I would have to have my mother at my wedding. His mother throw a fit over guess list, and called everyone on her side and told them that the wedding was off. She would alway say mean things about me, my family. She once tried to run over my dog. (she is a beautiful cavalier King Charles spaniel). She locked me outside when I was at her house and I spent the night on the front yard. (My partner was given a sleeping pill). When my mother got cancer, she said to me 'that's ok, you mother has lived a long life'. My mum was 52 at the time. When the wedding planning wasn't going her way, and I said that we would have to check with mum as she was paying for the whole event she said. 'I wish we could wait until your mother was no longer a problem, that way I could have the wedding I want'.   I know that things would never be right between her and me when she came to my house a year after my mother had passed. She just stood there justifying her reasons for why she stopped the wedding. I couldn't help but think that this women is very selfish. Her son is very unhappy, I will never have the opportunity to have my mother at my wedding, and my parents were left with a large bill of deposits they couldn't get back. It was that day I decided that I needed to find another man.
I really hope that you both manage to find a way to overcome these problems before you become married. Most mil forget, that they are not losing a son, they are gaining a small family of love.
9
Daughter in Laws and/or Son in Laws / Re: Four years in
September 23, 2014, 05:54:39 am
From a DIL's points of view, we used to go out of our way to visit both families on holidays. However, it was just unpractical. His family lived 6 hours away, and after we visited my family, we would spend 6 hours on the road only to arrive at his mum's place to have something to eat and to be given a long list of the people we were to visit. It was tiring. I really hate holidays!
10
I think that Pooh has a good point. I think that if you have a similar 'place' in your husband's family as your own, it works out better.

I have often addressed the issue of why my MIL didn't like me. The reasons didn't make sense- 'she is too quiet', 'she doesn't talk much', etc. Really didn't make such sense when you compared it to the things that she did to me- stopped our wedding, tried to ran over my little dog, wished my mother dead when she got cancer etc).

In my family I am the 'quiet one'. I am usually the first to help out in the kitchen, with cleaning up etc, help handing out cups of tea/cake etc. I am not unfriendly, I am usually brightly smile and wave at people, but then go about my tasks. My sister on the other hand is the 'social butterfly'. She works the room chatting to everyone.  When I am with his family, it is expected that I socialize with everyone, be loud etc. It is just not me. I hate being the centre of attention. It can sometimes come accross as cold and distance. I think that if she had given me the chance to talk one-on-one with her, and didn't speak over me. She may have liked me after all, as we had many things in common. Thank god, I am no longer with her son.
11
Update
My mother has been stugging with cancer now for many years, and passed away last week. It wasn't until days after she passed that I really become aware of the full extent of the meaning behind my future MIL's nasty comments, I now know the true extent of the meaning of her words. Watching my mother take her last breath, and seeing the postive impact that she left behind on the people around her. Her nasty comments are truely unforgiveable!!!!. I now know that I can now longer live with my partner and his family in my life, and it is time to cut all ties to his family.
12
Wow- This could be written by my MIL!. I would say that I am a very quiet person. (My MIL thought that I had something to hide- what? I am not sure- But it is laughable) My future MIL is very loud, and has an opinion on everything!!!!. She ALWAYS brings up this perfect girlfriend of his that he had many, many years ago. But one of the reasons why we (my partner and I) get on so well, is because her son and I are both quiet). He felt that he was overshadowed in his past relationships- and his opinions and thoughts didn't get heard.

I would give it more time. When you have conversations, ask her questions about her life, or what books she is currently reading (to try to bring her out of her shell). I guess one of the reasons why I am shy, is that I had 5 sisters, all older and quite louder (they used to joke that I was the 'Beth' in our group of "Little women'.
You sound so understanding, she will come around, it will just take time.
13
I hate to admit, but I dislike my future MIL. She visits uninvited, and when she does visit- it is not really a 'visit'- it is an white glove inspection. Even after hours of cleaning the house (while her precious son sits on the couch and watches me), she arrives and walks through the house pointing out things that need to be cleaned again. It is very stressful. I have talked to her about this and she says that 'she is trying to be helpful'.

I am sure that you are not like this. But DILs feel under pressure to make their home perfect, when the MIL is visiting. As the first priority in the MIL mind is the son and the grandchild and their welfare-including a clean house and well prepared food. (I know that my MIL doesn't care about me, and would throw me under a bus). So the last thing she wants/ feels like doing will be cooking/ cleaning for her MIL.
14
Thank you for your friendly words of wisdom. The reason the wedding stop was because the MIL said that if we didn't invite all the people on her guest list, then she would not be coming. My partner didn't want to go through with the wedding without his mother, so she won, the wedding was called off. My future Mil also had the option to pay for the additional 10-20 people that she wanted to invite at the standard rate that was paid for all the other guests ($40pp). My sister had a wedding 1 year beforehand and her MIL was told that she could invite 80 guests, as they too were on a budget (who isn't these days), and she did. Easy!. I just wanted to get married before my mother passed away from terminal cancer, and I think that my MIL was taking advantage of this. 1 year one, we are still not marry, lucky for me my mother is still here!, but I really don't think that his family is the type of family I want to marry into. I really don't think that I can forgive Mil for a feel nasty comments- we went to visit her 2 months after my mum was dianosied, and she asked me 'if my mum was dead yet', when we were planning the wedding and weren't making decisions that she liked based on decisions my mum made, she said that 'maybe we should wait until my mother is no longer a problem'. I just can't forgive comments like these.
15
I have a really overbearing future MIL/ FIL. Both families have met, and don't get along. (This is mainly because my MIL can't keep her nasty comments to herself). She has be-littled my older sister (which she has never met)- calling her a no hoper. (My sister is 30, married, working for the government as an receptionist, and attends uni part-time studying law). The FIL has also made comparisons between me and their own daughter, who is living with a man, who is in and out of jail, and has had 3 children with him. She dropped out of high school. My parents took offence, because I have a masters degree in finance, was then working as a Financial Analyst, but and am currently studying my postgraduate studies towards becoming a psychologist. My partner says that the only thing that we have in common is that we both have dark hair. They are always saying bad things in front of my parents- what is wrong with them? My partner won't stand up for me, even after 6 years. She is so controlling- she stopped our last wedding from happening, because we left a few people off her guest list (after all Mum and Dad were paying for everything), and said that if she wanted them there, then she could make up the different. After all- we had a budget set, and the guest list has to stop somewhere- we too had to take some people off our side too. (This wasn't the first time, that she has stopped a wedding of ours from going forward. But this time is costed my parents $10,000 in unrefunded deposits.

I don't know what to do? I am thinking that I need to just get out now while I can-