March 07, 2021, 10:15:44 am

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"Welcome to WiseWomenUnite.com -- When adult children marry and leave home, life can sometimes get more complex instead of simpler.  Being a mother-in-law or daughter-in-law can be tough.  How do we extend love and support to our mothers-in-law, adult children, daughters-in-law, sons-in-law, and grandchildren without interfering?  What do we do when there are communication problems?  How can we ask for help when we need it without being a burden?  And how do our family members feel about these issues?  We invite you to join our free forum, read some posts... and when you're ready...share your challenges and wisdom."


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Messages - ohHolland

1
Hi Scarlette,

Pooh and Sunny are right. Your daughter is choosing her father over you because he is not just an enabler, but a cheer leader for her addictions. Till she hits bottom, she gets to enjoy being high without being judged. When she hits bottom, she may come to you, but at that time you will have to summon every ounce of strength to get her into long-term rehab and make her be responsible for her situation. It's then that a loving parent wants to give money, food, a place to stay ... and things can go terribly wrong. Any support you may give has to be a result of her taking proper steps, and given only to further her getting clean. Don't give her money. If any is to be spent, it should go directly to rehab.

A friend once said to me that adult children often think they love the parent who left them, and hate the parent who stayed. I think there's a lot of wisdom in that observation. If you read the stories on this site, you'll see that is often the case.

Come back often to draw strength and support!
3
Adult children who choose to marginalize or cut off contact with their parents (especially the Moms) is an all-too-common theme. You are not alone. And like most who come here for advice, it's unlikely you have earned your daughters' mean and dismissive treatment.

Your daughters consider themselves the recipients of some (imagined or exaggerated) injustice and for that, you are being punished. I have no doubt they are like so many of their generation -- indulged, entitled and void of gratitude. They get some psychic reward from demonstrating resentment. Acting as a pack makes it easier for them to drum up complaints and treat you coldly.

My take is that you should not engage in this drama. Next time the bridge daughter offers information or a message from the absent daughters, serenely and firmly refuse to hear or take it. Tell her that you are not accepting anything presented indirectly any more. Tell her you will limit your conversation to HER and YOUR lives. Be polite, keep you voice steady and low, and calmly repeat yourself if you must.

If you stick to that you pull the plug on this cruel little game, and you'll feel the sense of self-worth you deserve. In time, your daughters may come around, but if not, you will have the knowledge you have the courage to not be pushed around by them. Keep your head high and live YOUR life.
4
Don't go. The bad far outweighs whatever good feelings you might enjoy. Chances are they would be fleeting and probably without foundation. Hold your head up high, decline with a modest wedding gift, and have a lovely day with your husband instead.

About your RO -- check to see if it has expired. I don't believe one would stay in effect for 11 years. Since your own son admits his father still has the capacity for violence, do get a fresh restraining order to legally indicate that remains the status.
5
Grab Bag / Re: Washington "Wilderness"
January 31, 2013, 11:59:16 am
Your bear cub floor lamp is charming and perfect for your little spot on Earth, Luise. I hear the siren song of the Pacific Northwest myself ... maybe one day. Meanwhile I do get some vicarious enjoyment reading about your experiences in the wild (-!)
6
Helpful Resources / Re: Abbreviations: Latest List
September 04, 2012, 12:02:00 am
This list of abbreviations is helpful, thank you. But the topic's title "abbreviations" has a typo so it isn't found as a search term ... still got here but took a little extra digging to find.