January 25, 2020, 03:58:09 pm

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"Welcome to WiseWomenUnite.com -- When adult children marry and leave home, life can sometimes get more complex instead of simpler.  Being a mother-in-law or daughter-in-law can be tough.  How do we extend love and support to our mothers-in-law, adult children, daughters-in-law, sons-in-law, and grandchildren without interfering?  What do we do when there are communication problems?  How can we ask for help when we need it without being a burden?  And how do our family members feel about these issues?  We invite you to join our free forum, read some posts... and when you're ready...share your challenges and wisdom."


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Messages - luise.volta

1
Welcome, G. If you have used your first initial and last name as your User Name here, please select another User Name that will allow you to remain anonymous. I am the only person using a given name, as this is my Website. 

We ask all new members to go to our HomePage and under Open Me First to read the posts we have placed there for you. Please pay special attention to the Forum Agreement to be sure WWU is a fit. We are a monitored Website.

I have not had a similar situation but I have a close friend who has gone through something very similar. What she told me, that I will share with you, is that while her adult son was doing as he pleased, she was tiptoeing around him and so was her husband as the quality of the lives and marriage disintegrated. Their son also acted rude and antisocial...and they were afraid to upset him. What they did was to find their own counselor and that worked in their case. They then chose to advise their son that their generosity was no longer available, that they had acted on his behalf in a crisis and since he had been discharged by his counselor, he had 30 days to make other arrangements. He refused, perhaps enjoying the power he had over them and the freedom that went with it. I have no idea. They continued counseling and decided that they were not powerless and, at the same time, did not want to take legal action. So they put their house up for sale, moved, and wished their son well. The last I heard, they were doing well and were happy again. Their son has gone his own way...not their choice but his...and they have accepted that.

I don't know what I would do if confronted with your issue. I hope I would gather up my self-respect like my friend did and move on. Yes, it was pretty drastic but they felt they had done their best and that they deserved to get their lives back, while at the same time, their son needed to learn and grow as a responsible adult. Wishing you well.
2
Welcome, M. If that is your given name, please select a new User Name so you can remain anonymous. We ask all new members to go to our HomePage and under pen Me First to read the posts placed there for you. Please pay special attention to the Forum Agreement to be sure WWU is a fit for you. We are a monitored Website

Good for you for realizing that you deserve better and holding that line! No easy and freedom doesn't come overnight for most of us but it is possible! That's for adding your encouragement ad good luck!
3
Welcome, M. We ask all new members to go to our HomePage and under Read Me First, to read the posts placed there for you. Please pay special attention to the Forum Agreement to make sure WWU is a fit for you. We are a monitored Website.

I am so sorry that you are up against such a tough situation. None of us here have any training as counselors, we share our own experience and we care. My first thought is that if things had gotten that bad with my son, I think I would have gone to a counselor. What I learned in a much less volatile situation was what was going on with my son had nothing to do with me, even though he didn't see it that way. He simply wanted to blame me for anything and everything in his life that didn't suit him. It took me a long time to realize there was nothing I could do about any of that. He was an adult and he had to find his own solutions and if being estranged from me and teaching his sons to follow in his footsteps was the path he chose, that was up to him.

For a long time, I gave him my power. By that I mean I became the victim of his perceptions and actions and tried frantically to fix whatever was wrong. Eventually, I realized my power lay in how I lived my own life as a person...not as his mother. Like you, I gave it my best and he was no longer my dependent child. My job was done. I turned toward the things that brought me joy and fulfillment and took my life back without him and my grandchildren in it. My son has to deal with life just like we all do and hopefully learn to face the consequences of his actions. I love him and I wish him well. That's the best I can do and I do it silently and from a considerable distance. The only other thing I can think of to share is I'm happy.
4
Welcome, J. I edited your post because you used an abbreviation of a word that is not in compliance with our Forum Agreement. 

I am so sorry you have been struggling. I know what it is like be shut out by a daughter in law. Like you, I tried everything and had very similar results. For me, the lesson was that my son was an adult and had made a choice that worked for him (although I couldn't fathom why) and didn't work for me. I didn't stop loving him but for my own sanity, I stopped trying to fix it or even be heard. Slowly, I have to admit, I turned toward what brings me joy and have focused on the support available elsewhere in my life and the interests that bring me peace. My job was to raise my son to the best of my ability. I did that and have let go of any lingering expectations. Whew! Hugs to you...
5
Adult Sons and/or Adult Daughters / Re: confused
December 24, 2019, 05:05:41 pm
Welcome, M. If you are Mary B. in real-life, please change your User Name here so you may remain anonymous. 'Confused' might be a good one. 

We ask all new members to go to our Homepage and under Open Me First, to read the posts placed there for you. Please pay special attention to the Forum Agreement, to be sure WWU is a good fit for you. We are a monitored Website.

I have had serious issues with my eldest son and am so sorry you are experiencing that, as well. What I finally learned the hard way and very slowly over time was that my happiness was up to me...not him. I had expectations that weren't met and so did he. Money is a poor basis for a relationship, isn't it? It can buy contempt and manipulation, among other things. What I finally learned was that my well-being was up to me and there were things that were much worse than estrangement. When I got that, I took my power back. For me, that involved going my own way, alone...making my own friends, and creating a life that suited me. 

That isn't a blueprint. We are all different...but I have been a happy camper for years and would never go back. I'm not perfect, no way, but I matter.

Many hugs!
6
Hi and Welcome. Once our children are grown and have married it seems to me that the rules change. That's what happened to me at least. My eldest son decided everything he didn't like in life was my fault. I won't bore you with all of the details. I tried to convince him I cared but I finally realized I was keeping the game in place. I told him I had done my best and from that date on, his happiness was his responsibility, as an adult. I turned toward what I wanted to focus on and got on with my own life. Once I was off the game board, I missed him. That's the truth. However, I did no miss the conflict and anxiety. That's also the truth. His childhood was mine to manage, his adulthood is his to manage...as is mine. Good luck. This isn't easy.
7
Dear M, The tone of your post both in telling us what we can write and not write and your last statement..."I don't have the motivation to live if I am not valued in my role." indicate that your needs go beyond what we offer on my Website. There are no professionals here to deal with your issues and attitude. In such situations, we suggest one-on-one counseling and sincerely wish you well. Blessings, Luise
8
Grandchildren / Re: Silent treatment from daughter.
September 13, 2019, 09:44:26 am
Welcome, S. I found it really hard to see my grown sons as adults. To me, they are still my 'kids' and probably always will be. What finally work regarding money, was to state when there was no financial crisis, that I had gotten to where I knew I wasn't respecting them as adults when I stepped in and rescued them...and so their next step was going to be to learn to manage their own finances and to face the consequences if they didn't. To that end, I asked not to be advised of their ups and downs any more than I discussed mine with them. No exceptions, ever, and that has worked. It wasn't easy for me at first and my guess is that was true for them, too, but we held our own counsel. It's been many years that their success has been evident. I do comment on that! Hugs...
9
Welcome. We ask all new members to go to our Home Page, and under Read Me First to read the posts placed there for you. Please pay special attention to the Forum Agreement to be sure WWU is a fit for you. We are a monitored Website.

Thank you for your post. It helps so much when someone who has 'been there and done that' shares her experience.

I have edited your post and made a change in your language, our take being if we can figure out the word you meant, it's the same as using that word. Since we didn't know where or how to draw the line on language we opted for passing on anything that might be taken as offensive. I addition, if your User Name reflects a Bible quote please select another name. The reason we are also cautious regarding religious referenced is outlined in our Forum Agreement, as well. We have done our best for the last decade to serve a wide audience respectfully.
10
Hi, A. I love the saying, 'What you think of me is none of my business.' Most of us were brought up to please...and now we have to deal with what is being dubbed by some, The Entitled Generation'. If we get pulled into that our expectations
are going to take us down. I agree with the others that our emancipation is in turning away from it and focusing elsewhere on the things that bring us joy and positive expression. We're entitled, too! More hugs...
11
Hi and welcome. I was wondering if the User Name you selected reflects your real name in any way. If so, it would be wise to change it to keep your anonymity. 

I haven't had a similar experience to share with you but I sure feel for you and your husband. My take is you are still being punished for not backing a Paris wedding. 

That just doesn't make sense. To me, it looks like the name changing is part of it. You have raised your family. You did your best and your job is done. For most of us, that is hard to get and even harder to honor. Your son has lessons to learn. He has made choices and there are consequences. They are his lessons. It's my hope that you may be able to leave the door open and at the same time shift your focus to what you want out of life and then go or it. Hugs
12
Dear N, The issues you describe are beyond the scope of our Website. There are no professionals here. All we can do is share our own experiences and hope they help when there is no crisis surfacing that appears to need intervention. When I feel more is needed, I close the thread after recommending a counselor. I'm in your corner 100%!
13
Welcome, Mrs. V. If that is the first letter of your last name please change your user name to protect your anonymity. We ask all new members to go to our HomePage, and under Open Me First to read the posts placed there for you. Please pay special attention to our Forum Agreement to be sure WWU is a fit. We are a Monitored Site. 

I have had some similar but in no way identical issues in my own family. I tried everything I could think of but came up against a wall of pre-conceived notions I wasn't able to alter. A lot of heartache followed and I found it extremely hard to rise above it. In the end, that's all I could do. Others think and do what makes sense to them. A very difficult lesson for me to learn. I ended up doing my best. No one can ever take that away from me.

I hope someone else has a more positive spin on your situation. That's what I love about our forum. In the meantime, I am sending you good wishes and hugs.
14
Welcome back, M. No small wonder you are stressed! It seems to me the more you give the worse it gets. Did you set any boundaries after they moved back in regarding what you would and would not tolerate?

I hit a place with my eldest son that in some ways reminds me of your situation. (I also have a younger son who hasn't taken the same road at all.) My eldest did a stint in the Marines in Viet Nam right out of high school, came home, and married at 20. He was a young, unseasoned adult who thought he was all grown up. They didn't live with us but our relationship still deteriorated when they immediately became parents. 

I look back, now, as a great-grandmother, and see a huge credibility gap between young adult and mature adult. My son found pretending he had it all handled daunting and decided it was all my fault. He never was able to reverse that position and walking on eggshells became the norm. He, like all of us with few exceptions, had to make choices and suffer the consequences regarding the lessons life had to teach him. Blame is an option for some. I wonder if he thought I should have done a better job as a mom, so he could skip 'learning his way into responsibility'?

It seems to me that your home is being violated. Your 19-year-old is still your responsibility but your elder son and his family are not. You have still offered support while they are in school. However, it doesn't seem to me that abuse and disrespect should be part of it. I know it is and feel, from what you have written, that you are about to take affirmative action to restore peace and quiet in your home. Is that the case?

We are here for you and will walk with you whatever you decide. I just want to add that I think you deserve better and the only person who can give that to you, is you.
Hugs...
15
Good Morning, G. Of course you want happiness for your son. However, he is a young adult and has to want happiness for himself. Treating you with contempt and shutting himself off from any interaction with you surely isn't bringing him joy. 

My sense is that your issue is beyond the scope of this Website and professional help is the next step. You may have already tried that. Again, he is no longer a little boy and you can't make him go. What I might do would be to set some boundaries, as in; counseling and respect or the freebie is over and he will have to move out. He needs to learn that early adulthood isn't a free ride and anything goes...his choices have consequences. It will be very hard to do but I can see from reading your post that you do not want to continue to live in the shadow of your son's abuse and enable him to pout his way into adulthood. That's a 'no go' and may be doing more harm than good.

Before closing this thread, I would like to say that if I were in your shoes, I think I would also find counseling for myself! This is taking a terrible toll on you.

Please know that even if this Website can't help, we can care and we do. Wishing you well and sending hugs.