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Messages - luise.volta

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Daughter in Laws and/or Son in Laws / Re: Abusive DIL :(
« on: March 14, 2018, 11:44:49 AM »
     I think we took on the role of the fixer from the time our children were born, cried and we nursed them. Their survival depended on it/us. It was so hard for me to get that as an emerging adult, my eldest son's choices were his lessons. He chose a wife that brought chaos to his life and he did his best to be loyal to her and it wasn't my job to make sense of the senseless or attempt to interfere/fix.
     It felt like it was about me because it changed my life. I found it terribly hard to get that my biological job was done and 'the ball was in his court.' What I had to learn was to focus elsewhere and take my life back. For me, it was a slow and painful process.
     However, healing can be like that...and I am whole again.

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Daughter in Laws and/or Son in Laws / Re: Abusive DIL :(
« on: March 13, 2018, 11:59:59 AM »
Welcome, S. I, too, had to learn that my eldest son's adulthood was his path and his decisions were his lessons. None of what transpired fit my very simple, garden-variety expectations. I got stuck for much too long in trying to fix it and in self-pity because it wasn't mine to fix. Counseling sounds like a very wise choice for you. I think I would have benefited from that. We are all here for you. Hugs...

Welcome, I. We ask all new members to go the our HomePage and under Open Me First, to read the posts placed there for you. Please pay special attention to the Forum Agreement to make sure WWU is a fit. We're a monitored Website.

I anguished over the same question you have posed. I know there must be others who have, too. What I finally came up with was that whatever I wrote, it would be misunderstood, misquoted and used against me. By the time it became necessary for me to call it quits, for my own survival, my communications had been consistently ignored or ridiculed for a long time. My son didn't care what my experience was or where I was coming from. We would never have reached that place, otherwise.

I finally realized I had to write the letter for me, not for him. And so I did. In fact I wrote to him several times being careful never to send any of them. It was some time before I healed to the place where I had nothing more I felt driven to write. Beyond that it was years until I destroyed what I had written...but I did get there.

I gave his childhood my best, imperfect because we all are, but/and still my best. I raised him to stand on his own two feet and make his own decisions never dreaming that one day he would decide I was dispensable and eventually that I was a negative factor in his life. It took a long time before I got I couldn't fix it, since it wasn't about me. I fell for his blame game for way too long.

Peace came into my heart and life, eventually. I get stuck in self-pity for a while which I think, like anger, can initially be healthy in small doses. I moved on when I realized my son wasn't torturing me, I was the one doing that. Hugs...

Grab Bag / Re: 91st Birthday
« on: March 09, 2018, 09:55:38 AM »
Thank you! I got a birthday hug this morning from a woman in her 70s who said, 'I want to be like you when I grow up!'  ;D

Grab Bag / 91st Birthday
« on: March 08, 2018, 09:04:23 PM »
Can't believe that I turn 91 on 3-9 but I was born in 1927!  ;)

I'm so sorry DH is feeling it so deeply. And yet, how could he not? We can't make sense of the senseless. My heart goes out to him and I'm so glad he has you...and you have us.

P.S. Forgot to comment on sleep. That's when our body does serious healing and for me, needing more sleep indicates its doing the work needed. More hugs...

That brings up a P.S. for me, SL. My younger DS designed and manages this Website for us for free. He thinks I hung the moon, which I was really too busy as a young mom to attempt. (Lucky for both of us!) At 91, he has my back! :)

Interesting, AF. My 'ex' was a Behavioral Psychologist. One day I remarked that the bird outside our door was singing 'Good morning' to me and was told he was probably singing, 'This is my territory. Enter at your own risk!'

Here at Warm Beach we all avidly watched the eagle's nest on our campus where a young bird was being lovingly fed.  He eventually teetered dangerously on the edge. Then one day we all held our breaths as he was pushed off the side of it into the world he was to survive in, if he flapped his wings hard enough. (He did...whew!)

Then there are those videos of a mother bear batting at her crying yearlings before she turns her back and lumbers off.

I look back on generations of family continuity in our specie and wonder how much of it was tradition, obligation, and survival. Where and when did preference become a factor? Entitlement? Why and how? If this is a pendulum, where might it settle?

And yes, when in pain, who gives a rip? My personal expectations weren't interested in esoteric meanderings. The pain was real and my loss unbearable until it finally wasn't.

We know where you are and we're here for you as you heal. You will!

I wonder, when I consider the path many of us know all too well, how this happens. Our DS son brings home someone really special and we like her and she likes us. We expand our clan to include her. It's almost as though DS's love for her is magnified by his loving family and she glories in it. At that stage she is still part of her clan and he is part of his whether they live at home or not.

Then for many of us, something starts to shift as the wedding approaches. We begin to experience exclusion. We're confused by it and rationalize it to the best of our ability. As a new family unit is established through marriage, it feels like our DIL no longer experiences us in a positive way. Our support is seen as interference. Our history too exclusive. Our influence is feared. At the same time, the newness of her role is shared with her family and she begins to lean on them for emotional, physical and sometimes financial support. She is challenged and they are there for her. Familiar, safe.

My guess is this is not experienced with any depth of understanding.
She starts to see DH's family of origin as competition and his love for them and loyalty to them as threatening.

While she is going through all of the above, DS is blinded by novelty and infatuation...early love. He wants to please her, support her, be seen by her as her hero and be rewarded in the best way imaginable. If she demands he distance himself and he has to choose...he has made his vows. His family of origin has to deal and heal...or not.

I know the above is abstract, grossly oversimplified, and generalized. I have not studied it formally.

It's just an...'I wonder.'

How are Doing, A.? Hugs...

A., I'm so sorry to hear what has transpired. We are old WWU friends and you are very dear to me. My heart goes out to you.

My experience didn't get to the stage you have just reached. My son died in his sleep of a sleep apnea stroke. His wife took up the banner and lambasted me when I reached out to support her after his untimely death.

The abyss you describe is horribly familiar. I can only say that for me to continue to stay in the climate of abuse meant that on some level I agreed with it. I found there was virtually nothing left of my self respect. I think I must have been clinging to some kind of ethic that a mother never gives up. Not consciously but it was evident in my decisions and behavior. My hopes and dreams, expectations and memories undermined my integrity and I sold out over and over again.

My healing has had to posthumous. My son made a choice and he stayed with it/'her'. My peace has come with knowing he had that right. He was a brilliant man, know in his field internationally. His two sons have followed in his footsteps, not in career choice but in success. I was not part of their upbringing. Now, as middle-aged adults, one holds me in contempt. He lives close by but I haven't seen or heard from him in years. The other thinks I hung the moon.

I have come to realize that very little of this had/has anything to do with me. Their perceptions and actions are about them...both the positive and the negative. I gave my biological role my best shot...human and imperfect. It was interpreted differently by two complex sons and later by two equally complex grandsons. My great granddaughter is a stranger, raised abroad, friendly and remote. Respectful but focused elsewhere.

The bottom line beyond the abyss for me, A., is dignity. I have chosen to give myself that gift. I deserve it. It isn't anything someone else can bestow on me or take away from me and I find that heartening.

Grab Bag / Re: Happy Valentine's Day Luise!
« on: February 14, 2018, 03:46:42 PM »
Thank you so much! How long has it been, I wonder, that we have had this lovely, loving connection? Have a beautiful Valentine's Day, too!

Adult Sons and/or Adult Daughters / Re: That Happened To Me, As Well
« on: February 14, 2018, 11:43:13 AM »
Welcome, Jools, I moved your post, so you can have your own thread.

We ask all new members to go to out HomePage and under Read Me First, to read the posts placed there for you. Please pay special attention to the Forum Agreement to be sure WWU is a fit. We are a monitored Website.

For me, accepting my eldest son's choice of a partner and the lessons he brought into his life as a result, was full of lessons for me, as well. He was an adult and no matter how inexperienced, they were his lessons. My years had brought me more wisdom but it was mine, not his. My expectations were for an expanded family not a broken one. That was long ago and I now have a grown grandson I am close to. Hang in there!

Adult Sons and/or Adult Daughters / That Happened To Me, As Well
« on: February 14, 2018, 11:33:40 AM »
From Jools: I too have the same DIL situation. My son goes along with whatever she does & his family are alienated because he will not stand his ground. Its all about her family. She is a Narcissist & she has over the past 10 years driven a wedge through our once tight knit family. My daughter has suffered abuse from my DIL at the tender age of 14 when we went on holiday with my Son & DIL.[/size]My daughter never speaks to my son & she has been isolated from him by DIL.I have 2 Grandchildren from her & was told before the first was born that if I didn't apologise for telling her off about the abuse she did to my daughter I would never see my Grandchild. Both my husband & myself spoke to my son & told him that if that was what he wanted then so be it. We have been allowed into our Grandys lives but there are constant abusive things that DIL does to us. They come home to visit her family & stay with them & we get a few rushed hours to see the kids. We are always treated as the low life side of the family & get dished up left overs. It will not change. We will not however tolerate abuse so we only communicate thru our son to see, skype or call our Grandys. Its a very sad situation & I have no answers.I find myself wishing that one day my son will see what she is & will leave with the kids.She is truly the most spiteful nasty person I have ever encountered. Jools

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