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"Welcome to WiseWomenUnite.com -- When adult children marry and leave home, life can sometimes get more complex instead of simpler.  Being a mother-in-law or daughter-in-law can be tough.  How do we extend love and support to our mothers-in-law, adult children, daughters-in-law, sons-in-law, and grandchildren without interfering?  What do we do when there are communication problems?  How can we ask for help when we need it without being a burden?  And how do our family members feel about these issues?  We invite you to join our free forum, read some posts... and when you're ready...share your challenges and wisdom."

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Messages - Grieving

Grab Bag / Re: FYI re: Luise
January 13, 2014, 09:07:39 am
Hope you are feeling better soon.
Thanks for the encouraging words from those of you who understand where I am coming from. I have always been polite, so will continue that, but will be very, very cautious not to be lulled into a feeling of safety. If things continue to improve, fine. If not, I will not be as hurt as I was before,because I will not have 'let her in'. Thanks for understanding. Best to you,too, Pen.
From another topic:" Our newest and youngest DIL was so sweet to me. (Brace yourself) but she even HUGGED my neck for her gift and kept saying how much she loved it. And ladies that is the first thing in 2 years she hasn't refused or acted as if she could care less about. I think I'm still in shock. Must be her preg. hormones? LOL But I'll gladly take what I can get. Her bright and happy attitude even made the other children and the wives even more comfortable because she was kind and friendly. "

I didn't want to hijack the Wine & Conversations.... thread, but this quote from DixieDarling struck a cord with me.  After 2 1/2 yrs. of snarky remarks, uncomfortable visits, walking on eggshells, our DIL has 'returned'.

When she and DS were dating and first married, we could not have wished for a better DIL---then she got pregnant. At first, I ignored the barbed remarks, etc. thinking that it was just hormones, but it just got worse after the baby was born, and for the following 18 months. DS and I discussed it, he didn't see a real problem, thought since I was able to accommodate his idiosyncrasies I should also accommodate hers. Oops, didn't realize I raised such a self centered soul  :-[ . I drew a line as to what I would accept(hostilities were aimed at me, not rest of FOO, although they could see it and agreed that I was the target---for no apparent reason.)  Since we only saw them infrequently anyway, on the surface, visits remained normal to the naked eye, while inwardly, I seethed at injustice, and walked on eggshells.

Anyway, in the last 6 months, DIL has done an about face. She is as she was in the beginning. However, I am having a hard time trusting her. Having seen what she can say and do, having missed out on truly enjoying GC babyhood, I feel like I will not and cannot give her a chance to hurt me like that again. I know I am hurting myself by holding on to the anger, but I can't seem to let go. Fool me once.........

Any ideas???
wish I could edit--"our"=your, although I did enjoy our visit(exchange) here  ;D 
Makes perfect sense. In my case, they will have opportunity to do whatever they wish at their home. My stockings will just be more presents presented in a different type of box ;D I wish you a Merry Christmas, and enjoy your visit.
Pooh, I am curious, why do you think this is a boo-boo?  Your tradition is exactly the same as ours as far as stockings go. Even before DS married, I had a stocking for future DIL at our house. As GC arrived, each got a stocking. What they do at their house is up to them, but this is my(and our FOO's). Both my mother and my MIL did the same for our children. That is each had stockings at their homes for everyone. We did our stockings at home as well. I have simply carried it on.

I ask because this is the first year that no one will be coming to our house. We will be travelling and meeting at DD house. I have the stockings hung here, but plan to take them with us filled. I have been wondering about this, thinking maybe I should change tradition, but decided to go ahead.
Lauren, As others have said, it is not easy, very painful to give up our 'should have beens". It doesn't happen at once, and there are still bad days. However, I found that once I got mad, and decided 'no more'  dancing to their tune,if I didn't see GC, so what. I hadn't been allowed to bond with them anyway, so it wasn't that big a deal. I know some will find that hard to believe, but it is true.   This was not without some comments about me not caring, etc. ,but our visits are better now. I decided I might as well be hung for a sheep as a goat,so enough was enough. Not perfect, not what I wanted or dreamed about, but something I can live with. Now it is DS who is making the overtures, not me------or DIL, but that ship has sailed. I expect nothing from her, so am never disappointed. Strangely, I also realized that while I will always love DS, admire what he has done in his profession, I really don't like or enjoy being with him. He has become DIL's 'puppet', and neither are people I would chose to be with if they were not family. I agree, the best thing you could do is take the money, and spend it on something YOU will enjoy.....and be sure to let them know how much fun you have!!
Grandchildren / Re: call them?
July 10, 2013, 08:40:45 am
I think lc nailed it right on. Just to add-while I don't know about your IL situation--I am one who tends to 'oh, how precious, love him, etc.' on FB regarding my GS. This is in the vain hope that one day, DIL will realize that more than one person can love him w/o being a threat to her. It is a very fine line, full of eggshells because if we are too involved, it is a threat; if not, we don't care. Sometimes I get very tired of walking it, not sure it is worth it as relationship is so tenuous/superficial, which as lc ,again, says it is hurtful not to know what is happening with GKs. I would urge you to err on side of compassion and tell her. If you think it will help, ask her not to put it on FB. I know I would honor that.
One thing pops into mind as I read your letter, because a friend recently said it to me when we were discussing our 'situations'. You say you don't want to have a scene for your GD sake. What I see is that you could be teaching her that his treatment of you is acceptable, and this is how she should treat people,or how she should expect to be treated. Is that better than having an argument?  Perhaps when he acts in this way, you could calmly say something like I will not be spoken to like that, we will discuss it when you have calmed down, and walk away??Just my opinion---now if I could only solve my own problems  ;)
You say this has been going on for 7 years, so started when she was 13. You said she was your youngest, so assume the older one is out of house. I don't wish to make light of your pain, but could you be suffering from empty nest??

What you have described sounds completely normal, IMHO. That doesn't make it less painful,but she has to pull away, develop her own life. This sounds like the path both of my children took at that age. When they came home from college, we hardly ever saw them. They slept, then started making plans for who/what/where they would spend the evenings. LOL

I had a major health issue (cancer), and while they did show love and concern, they, by no means put their lives on hold--nor did I expect them to do so. You say you have had migraines before. Right or wrong, perhaps she just excepts them as part of you, not realizing how this contributes to them.

DS was my youngest, so some of it I attributed to being a male, but during his 20s, he hardly acknowledged that he had parents---not in a really bad way, but just he lived/worked away, had his own life. As he approached 30, he was more likely to acknowledge that he did indeed have family. LOL  Even through my trials and tribulations of DIL, he does try to include us.

Again, I am not trying to discount what you are feeling, but it does seem perfectly normal from what you have said. Perhaps viewing it from that standpoint, you could find it less stressful. I hope so.
Grab Bag / Re: Are you all happily married?
April 06, 2013, 11:57:12 am
I have to say YES! DH and I met in hs, have been married 46 yrs. + dated 4 yrs. before marriage. I have been sorting through old pictures, and realize we were children compared to today's standards. We grew up with our children, always enjoyed doing things with them. We did go through a very rough patch about the time they were in hs. May have divorced if I had been working instead of staying home with kids. In fact, I went back to work briefly thinking that I could support myself once the kids were out of house. However, we worked through it along with some external problems, and came out stronger, better, more in love than ever. DH is truly the best thing to ever happen to me. It is corny, and a cliche, but we complete each other. Where I am pessimistic, he is optimistic, where he is too conservative, I bring some adventure, he is outgoing, I am introverted, yada yada. We realized we had given too much of ourselves to raising our children, had 'lost' ourselves. We developed several new hobbies that we enjoy doing together.  We both enjoy some 'me' time, but we truly enjoy spending most of our time together. Are there some new activities that you could learn together?
Oops, I did not mean to imply that this was the answer to all problems w/DILs--just that it was a way of viewing it that I had not considered before, even though DS (who is a good guy most of the time.) Even though, DS had mentioned the feeling of intimidation that DIL was dealing with, he did not mention specifics. Dense that I am, I focused more on the hurt that I feel, couldn't figure out why she would be intimidated by me----I am not physically imposing, and am really shy and lack self-confidence for the most part. It never occurred to me that she was intimidated by my(our) parenting.

As I said, just putting it out there as a possibility.
A friend who is going through a similar experience with her DIL mentioned yesterday that she thinks our DILs act like they do because we were such good parents--they feel intimidated that they won't measure up. Now, she is a more positive person than I, but it gave me pause to think. I do know when trying to discuss the problem with my son, he has told me that DIL is intimidated by me, and was working on it. He also said he felt like we had been good parents. I have no idea why she should feel that way, and quite frankly,at this point, I don't really care.

However, I thought I would share the idea. I know many embrace the idea of not making sense of senseless, etc. but I have not reached that point. While I understand the concept, I still struggle with the WHY. 
Grandchildren / Re: Need snappy response
March 21, 2013, 03:57:57 am
Thanks all for the support and suggestions. herbal, I will have to try to remember some of those. They may work, without seeming so much like a lie. Funny, I had not thought to approach it like when someone asks my opinion. That is a good idea. I like, elsieshaye, tend to be an open book when anyone asks about me, but do manage to be polite to others.

I guess I am just feeling vulnerable as DS family is coming for a visit soon, and I am already dreading it. I hate the walking on eggshells with DIL. I also tend to be an all or nothing sort of person. If I can't have what I expected, I would just as soon do without, but that is for another thread.

For now, I have a plan for encounters with other GMs--especially the gushing ones. LOL