October 14, 2019, 04:53:34 am

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"Welcome to WiseWomenUnite.com -- When adult children marry and leave home, life can sometimes get more complex instead of simpler.  Being a mother-in-law or daughter-in-law can be tough.  How do we extend love and support to our mothers-in-law, adult children, daughters-in-law, sons-in-law, and grandchildren without interfering?  What do we do when there are communication problems?  How can we ask for help when we need it without being a burden?  And how do our family members feel about these issues?  We invite you to join our free forum, read some posts... and when you're ready...share your challenges and wisdom."


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Messages - firelight

1
came across a quote I have to keep reading:  "I cannot learn other people's lessons for them.  They must do the work themselves, and they will do it when they are ready."  from Hay House Daily Affirmations. 

and yes, it is a nightmare.
thank you all.
2
woke p at 0400 this a.m.....discovered I have a diamond ring missing...
3
Daughter moved in with SIL's aunt with the GC.  And the drama continues.  Not sure how that will affect my getting temp custody.  Now the 3 yr old sleeps with the aunt and her husband and the baby sleeps on the floor with my DD and SIL.  They had a bedroom here but we had words and things were said.....maybe I should still go file....she still says she's going to rehab....I have my doubts.
4
P.S.  should I ever have to proceed with the petition for temp custody, the goal is not to keep the parents out of their lives but to give them a safe and stable home while DD & SIL make yet another attempt to get it together.  I am trying to look at the big picture and what it would mean if I had to do that.  I am hoping to avoid it for as long as possible.  I had my mind made up yesterday and now today when I was going to do it, I have my gut telling me to just sit on it for a bit.  It's my experience that it's always been best that I do follow my gut. 
5
Thank you, all.  I will check out the link, Footloose. 
6
I have decided to hold off for a bit on the filing of the temporary custody.  I am waiting and watching very closely and daughter does have rehab in the near future ....hopefully she will go ahead with it once her name comes up on the waiting list in a few weeks...if she doesn't, then that will be a turning point for me as far as whether or not to proceed.  She told her boss she is going and he has assured her she will have a job when she gets out.  Watching the whole thing is killing me and my heart is broken completely with the addiction and now a complication with the blood clot.  I am very scared for DD.  However, I really am hoping not to go to such drastic measures as the custody thing but I am keeping things written down in case I must proceed.  It will be a last resort.  Husband is in agreement.  I am just so sad tonight.  It is what it is.  The GC will be at my home and my SIL's aunt's home during the rehab time.  We will share the task since I work and she works...  It really is just one day at a time.   My gut is telling me not to start the process just yet.  I am going to follow it and just go from there.  I will be here for GC should the day come. 
7
Well, it finally happened.  a little over 2 yrs ago my DD went through rehab for her heroin addiction.  as did my SIL.  it failed only I didn't know it till recently.  they just went through their umpteenth eviction with my 2 little GC in tow.  Let my DD move in very recently (SIL went to his aunts as my DH will not allow him in here to live).  My DD also went to the hospital and they found a blood clot near her armpit.  To make a long sad story short, I discovered she's using again.  If I'd have known this, I wouldn't have let her back in.....however, I've got my little GC (1 just turned 3 and 1 is 9 mos) to consider.  So,  DD is heading to rehab and is on a waiting list for 2-3 wks to get in and she doesn't know I'm going to file for temporary custody.  I mentioned it to her so I could seek medical care should it be needed for the grands but, of course, she was not interested in that.  SIL has warrant out and is also using heroin and does finally have a job......I am sick to my stomach.  I am 49 and do not want to raise babies at this age.  I only hope this is temporary and love them very very much.  I will do whatever it takes to make sure they are in a stable home and safe while these 2 go through their issues once again.  I do hope it is temporary because it's not fair to my husband and I.  But, if it means longer than temporary, this grandma is willing.  I'm so sad and deeply heartbroken and very angry and resentful all at the same time.  I hope it doesn't come to having to bury my DD.  I can hardly describe my emotions.   I asked my SIL what does he plan on doing when DD goes into rehab and all he can respond with is:  "I don't know."  I don't feel he really wants the help.....if my DD doesn't want it in her heart then it will fail again....it will certainly be doomed to failure if she comes out and has no plans on leaving him.  I am beside myself.  I feel so sorry for my GC.  I will do whatever I have to do......  I love them dearly.....I only hope my DD's rehab sticks this time.  The drug isn't called "the devil's medicine" for nothing.
8
Adult Sons and/or Adult Daughters / Re: been a while
October 28, 2013, 01:32:44 am
I'm so thankful for your site(s), luise.  They have helped so many.  It's been a gift.  YOU are a gift to me (us).
9
Adult Sons and/or Adult Daughters / Re: been a while
October 28, 2013, 01:31:24 am
yes, I have to agree that losing a child would be the worst scenario. 

Working with seniors who have lost their children shows me that time doesn't always heal all wounds.  How ironic, luise, that I originally posted on your deceased child's birthday. (I'm sorry  :(  ) 

Grieving is really lonely business I am finding.  I hate it.  Some days I cope OK and have good days and other days not so OK.  The worst part is the "ambush" when something unexpected triggers a memory....even though it's never completely off my mind.  My husband had to witness the first of the worst of the gut wrenching tears and cries.  Now I try to spare him of that but they still come.  It was a bad scene to find my mom like we did and it sticks in my mind.  It's all so surreal.

I never knew there were so many grieving people in the world until I was forced to join them.  I find the people who help me the most are the ones who have been there.  Kind of like this site.  Thank you all.
10
Daughter in Laws and/or Son in Laws / Re: Our DIL
October 28, 2013, 01:14:35 am
If that "Book of Answers" for all of us ever comes out, I'll be first in line!  Or at least up there with whoever's first!   :)
11
Grandchildren / Re: DD and Signicant Other took GD away
October 28, 2013, 01:05:52 am
Sometimes I don't think we'd fight so hard to save a relationship if it weren't for the little ones involved.  My SIL's aunt tells me she knows he and my DD lie much to her but the aunt says she says nothing about their lies or behavior because she doesn't want them to withhold my GD from her.  (GD visits SIL's aunt quite a bit)

I see her point and have "tried" that route myself.  I find it harder for me than it must be for her when it comes to calling out someone on their lies and behavior.  I am practicing it but spoke my mind once again just the other day...  it's as if I can't help myself as her mother when I'm lied to and get offended by it.  We (DD & I) have patched things up once again in a matter of a few days, but when it comes to my own AC I just blurt out what I feel about it when I'm lied to or feel used.  I initiate the patching up so I can see the grands.  I wish I had an answer for you on how to handle it, but I'm still growing myself.  Sometimes I wish I could be more like my SIL's aunt and just keep quiet about it and concentrate on seeing my GC and forget the rest.  Way easier said than done!   :-X 

I hope things get better for you in time.

Best wishes for healing from the car accident.  How scary!
12
Grandchildren / Re: DD and Signicant Other took GD away
October 20, 2013, 03:56:50 am
My heart is breaking for you, devastated, and know you are not alone at all.  You've found a fantastic place here where most feel your pain. 

I have had a season myself where I had to call CPS (child protective services) on my own flesh and blood.  It was the most painful thing I've ever done and I bawled the whole way through it, even on the phone with them.  I am glad that part of my life is over and it does cost a relationship .....at first.   Things are better now and at least I can see my grands, but it took a hot minute. 

I like the school idea if you really have to as a last resort.  Of course, notifying any legal authority is a last resort. 

I don't know why your DD would make these choices to leave GD with perfect strangers or give her SO of such a short period such control over her life, but it is what it is.  We just cannot wrap our minds around what others choose to do sometimes, I know this first hand. 

I am wishing all the best for you in this situation and for the safety of your sweet GD.  I hope that, in time, it will pass over.  Sometimes when younger people are going through their own junk, they just don't see anyone but themselves, even at the expense of their child.  I was a different kind of mom so that blows me away, but it happens quite a bit.  My heart breaks with yours today because I have been there. 
13
Grandchildren / Re: Another Grandbaby on the way :)
October 20, 2013, 03:43:54 am
Congratulations!  I'm still grandbaby drunk over here myself! 

Your DH is fabulous!  If I start talking that way, my DH gets a glazed over, distant look in his eyes...ha

What I find especially wonderful is your DIL has invited you in the delivery room.  That is very special and not all DIL would offer up that invite....usually reserved for their mom if lucky.  Blessings to you and your family, Pooh!  Too bad your YS has to be absent for this, but your DIL is fortunate to have this lovely support system. 
14
Daughter in Laws and/or Son in Laws / Re: Our DIL
October 20, 2013, 03:36:15 am
Maybe you could plan a little family gathering ....even if not for a big dinner, for finger foods and/or for cake and ice cream or something....but you might have to plan ahead by a few weeks to a month.   Once the baby comes, you could plan something with just your DIL and it could give her "a moment away" with you for a cup of coffee and a dessert or a short shopping trip for something in particular when she's ready to step out for a sec away from the baby.  Make it something short and that way it would be with less pressure.  I like the idea of the gardening help but that would take a bigger effort on her part and I doubt that would happen with all the busy-ness.  You could draw a diagram though of your own yard and take it to her at her home since time is precious for them and seek advice on any plants you should get and for where....I don't know, just a shot in the dark....it will come naturally no matter what you do.  At least your son has found a nice wife that you approve of....that's where you happiness for him can lay.   :)
15
Adult Sons and/or Adult Daughters / Re: been a while
October 20, 2013, 03:23:43 am
Thank you all for your sympathies re: losing my mom.  I appreciate that.  It's been hard as would be expected for anyone.  Grieving is the pits. 

@ Dixie, my DD is 27 and her husband is 30.  Has another warrant out for his arrest for failure to show cause at court as to why he's not paying child support on his oldest son.  He had just gotten a job and decided just to not show up in court when he could have told his boss he had to be in court.....but his irresponsibility reigns.  I was actually buying my DD birth control pills for a few months after my last granddaughter was born then I stopped thinking "what am I doing???"  in my mind I knew "I'm doing it again." (doing for them what they should be doing for themselves)....needless to say, she is not on any birth control now so I'm sure it is only a matter of time before another one comes along. 

Yes, louise, I have given up trying to wrap my mind around it.  When my Dad calls asking all the questions as to how they are doing and relentlessly sending a newspaper to them because there's a job in the paper Dad thinks SIL could apply for (which SIL NEVER does) I just tell Dad I've given up and it's all their business ....which it is.

I like what you reminded me of, Didi, just to sit back and try to make a decent life for ourselves. 

@ fantine, My SIL is the champion of laziness.  but I have been the same champ in the enabling department.  Even though I have pulled back more than I used to , I see the same trait in my DD regarding her loser husband.  So he's along for the free ride.....only she can change her circumstances (and only I can change it regarding myself as well).  He does not seemed shamed by the free handouts (as my DD hasn't minded me helping either).  I was stupidly paying for their cell phone so I could have contact with my grands.  Otherwise I would have to get in the car and run into town (which is a country drive from my home) and knock on their door when I want to make plans to take my grands.....but it will be just that now because I have finally exhausted myself in "helping" them. 

Just like I am finally tired of it, maybe DD will one day tire of the whole shenanigan as well.  She and my grands deserve better but until that day, she must be where she wants to be. 

Thank you all so much for being there once again.  I still have my ring I bought that reminds me of you all when I wear it.  Always reminds me I'm far from alone regarding my AC.  It also reminds me to "let it go" and stop enabling when I feel the hankerin' to go run in there and save them AGAIN.  It has affected us financially and that is for the birds because it never stopped.  Hugs to you all!