January 19, 2020, 02:18:35 pm

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"Welcome to WiseWomenUnite.com -- When adult children marry and leave home, life can sometimes get more complex instead of simpler.  Being a mother-in-law or daughter-in-law can be tough.  How do we extend love and support to our mothers-in-law, adult children, daughters-in-law, sons-in-law, and grandchildren without interfering?  What do we do when there are communication problems?  How can we ask for help when we need it without being a burden?  And how do our family members feel about these issues?  We invite you to join our free forum, read some posts... and when you're ready...share your challenges and wisdom."


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Messages - MarinaRae

1
Quote from: J Peters on December 29, 2019, 07:11:21 pmWell she came downstairs, called me all kinds of horrible things and told me to get out of her house.  My son did nothing
I am so sorry this happened to you. I have experienced very similar behavior in my DIL and my son. The phenomenon that your son is in right now is called trauma-bonding. It keeps him jumping to her tune in every situation and he really is incapable of caring about your feelings. If he doesn't follow along with her, then there is hell to pay so he will avoid that no matter what. I know that's horribly difficult to hear, but I have been a party to my DIL's abuse for 10 years now and my son has stood by and watched it happen so I know this to be true. My beloved son has even participated in the abuse, at times. In his eyes, she can do no wrong and if she tells him I'm the villain, he goes along with it. 

I've also been kicked out of their house and it's a traumatic experience. One time just last year I had babysat my granddaughter for 5 days while DIL was sick and my son was working. I had picked her up and dropped her off (a 45 minute drive through two towns each way). When I arrived with granddaughter I was only there about 10 minutes and getting ready to leave. I was telling my son a cute story about their daughter when DIL screamed down the stairs about how rude we were for leaving her out of the conversation. I ran upstairs to relay the same story to her when she rudely told me I needed to "leave right NOW!" My son just stood there and didn't say a word as I ran out of their house totally shocked. Not one word of thanks from either one of them. The next day I get this weird passive aggressive text telling me she was upset about something I said from nearly a month earlier, so now I was expected to apologize. She's certifiably nuts but my son can't see it.
I wouldn't completely write off your son, but maybe just stop reaching out to him and expecting anything in return. An occasional text or phone call to let him know you're thinking of him and love him but nothing more. Hopefully, he will maintain a relationship with you. Time will tell.
2
Quote from: Stilllearning on January 01, 2020, 06:15:17 ammy DS and his wife are less happy than I would like to see them be but there is nothing I can do to change things for them and ruining my life over it is no longer an option I am willing to allow.
Amen to this! It has taken me a decade of pain, manipulation and humiliation to finally begin focusing on what's important - my own happiness and the relationships that give me joy. 


The difficulty I face is that they (YS and DIL) are still attempting to manipulate me to fall back in line. It's difficult, but I'm trying to hold my ground. Baby steps in the right direction are still steps forward.