September 22, 2020, 05:51:15 pm


"Welcome to -- When adult children marry and leave home, life can sometimes get more complex instead of simpler.  Being a mother-in-law or daughter-in-law can be tough.  How do we extend love and support to our mothers-in-law, adult children, daughters-in-law, sons-in-law, and grandchildren without interfering?  What do we do when there are communication problems?  How can we ask for help when we need it without being a burden?  And how do our family members feel about these issues?  We invite you to join our free forum, read some posts... and when you're ready...share your challenges and wisdom."

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Messages - Rainbow

Hi all.

Not too sure if this is still an open thread...but here are my thoughts.

My DS went through a stage when  whatever I did/didn't do/said/didn't say was wrong! To say it was highly confusing and hurtful is an understatement!

The harder I pushed to try and understand or to figure out the reason or just plan ask "hey what's up?" The more he pushed me away.

In the end I decided to back off. I kept thinking of a frightened animal. Even if you try to help it sadly still sees you as a threat. It hisses and growls and lashes out and even runs away. My DS was acting the same way. So I decided to retreat and be patient.

I stopped the calls, texts, parcels, letters. And instead I did my own thing and waited and waited ... until he saw that I was respecting his space, his adulthood and his wishes. I was no longer a threat and when he realised that he came round. Slowly at first but he came round.

And I also learnt not to repeat the mistakes of old. So now I never judged. When he asked for advice I never gave it but instead always asked him what his gut instinct was and reminded him that 9/10 times his instinct was correct. When he asked for money I said I'll help you sort out a budget but I won't give you money. When he wanted to made mistakes I reminded him that he was only human and we all make mistakes and to cut himself some slack! He couldn't believe the change in his stress free DM!!!

What I'm trying to say is remember that cornered animal. Sometimes the kindest thing to do is to leave them alone.

Sending hugs xxx :-*
Gabbi hello.

Just a couple of thoughts for you. Once upon time I was just like your DD. The reason? I was overwhelmed with everything and although I wanted things to be different I just didn't know where to begin. So I too went out and spent money that I didn't have on having fun because it made me feel better and helped me forget the pain.

My DM never judged. She often cleaned the house for me as a treat or did the laundry. But she never commented on why. She just did it. She never made me feel dirty or like a slob. She always said beautiful things to me and reminded me how great I was!

In the end I found the energy (physical and mental) and motivation to change these things for myself. I lost 8 stone. Divorced. Remarried a wonderful man. Have a spotlessly clean home and a DS who knows his DM tried her best even if I sometimes screwed up! We still have horrendous challenges esp with health but we are happy.

Please don't worry about your DD and her family. She'll be ok. You carry on loving her and one day she'll start to love herself and she'll change, but only when the time is right for her. Right now she needs loving words far more than a clean home.

Sending you hugs xxx :-*