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Messages - hollap

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Adult Sons and/or Adult Daughters / Re: Rethinking gift giving
« on: July 30, 2017, 03:59:19 PM »
This was the first year my OS didn't call me on my BDay. I thought it would bother me more; but, I'm getting used to the fact that my OS and I are estranged. His BDay is in 2 more months. I'll probably just text a brief message to him. I'm not going to go all out like I used to. I feel differently now. I think it's part of being disappointed.

No more gifts from me. If I ever felt obligated to give a gift, I would give something to charity on behalf of my DS.

Quick story: Before my dad passed away 23 years ago, he and I had a heart-to-heart talk. He thought he was a horrible dad. I thought he was great. The last conversation my brother had with my dad was my brother yelling at my dad in front of (my brother's friends--showing off) friends. When my dad visited me later in the day, I could tell something was wrong. He told me that he was yelled at and felt humiliated.
People would see my brother go into the cemetery grounds at night and stay until the early morning hours. He would scream and cry like a baby while laying on my dad's grave--regret can kill a person.

I always think of this story. My OS will have to learn on his own --how valuable people really are.

Live your life! (I know, easier said than done)... Try to surround yourself with people who truly care about you! Take care of yourself!

Very well said!

Then again, I have been going through a divorce for 3 years (not my choice to divorce, by the way)... up to now, the X hasn't made an attempt to give the attorney his financial papers. That's because when and if we do, he'll have to pay twice as much taxes as he pays now.
I have 2 other children who I get along with very well.
I was thinking about what I did as a parent that was so wrong. I remember when my boys were little, I would tell their dad, 'Get the boys up and have them help with yard work. Show them how to change the oil in the car. Teach them how to change a tire, put air in the tire, put water in the radiator, change the windshield wipers, etc. My X never did. He would just say that it was easier if he did it himself. "Let the boys sleep. They're fine." Now, two grown men live with their dad. No one mows the lawn. No one throws the trash. No one cleans their room. And, my X is extremely clean.
My X recently had emergency surgery due to a previous surgery. He was sent home with 2 IVs, twice a day for 6 weeks. He had a very bad infection. My boys did not offer to help with anything. They went to the hospital once to see him. As far as being concerned about being sick, there has been no compassion.
My DS quit his job so he wouldn't have to pay child support. Having this business (his business, but, not put in his name) will show that he has no job. Therefore, no child support money will be paid out.
The list goes on and on. He says he knows more than anyone else. My 33 years experience as a mother doesn't matter--he knows everything about parenting.
It seems as if the more I write, the more I remember, the angrier I get. This forum is helping me tremendously.

Adult Sons and/or Adult Daughters / Re: Bad Counseling
« on: July 30, 2017, 02:02:12 PM »
I'm estranged from my OS right now. But, when he was dating this one girl (mother of my GC), she always told lies about me to my DS. When I would try to explain to him about what she was doing, he wouldn't listen. Finally, they broke up because she stole money from me and took some jewelry from my safe.
Because he doesn't talk to her anymore, he doesn't want me to talk to her either. I told him I wanted to keep the communication with her because I like to pick up my GC whenever I can.
I also told him that whatever she did to me--she'll have to answer to that later. I have no regrets about how I have handled my situation with the GCs mom.
You will become tired of the manipulation--I'm beginning to see that.
Today, because my OS is opening up a new business, he has asked everyone under the sun if they can watch my GC. Since he doesn't talk to me, I'm left out. Today, I have said 'enough!'
If my DS will keep my GC from me, that's ok. When she gets older, maybe she'll look for me. If she doesn't, there is nothing I can do about it.
I will keep busy and go on with my life. I am 55 years old. I still have a lot of living to do!
I hope with all of my might, that your relationship with your DS will get better. If not, live with peace knowing that you tried your best!

Again, I appreciate all of the feedback I'm receiving.
Bamboo: When I talked to my XHub about helping him at least with 20K, he said, "Definitely not!" I don't want anything to do with something I don't know about. So, I backed him on his decision. Then, he turns around and lends him 10K (without me knowing) and then goes to the bank and takes out a loan (14K) --my DS will make monthly payments. My DD told me about this. When I confronted the X about the loan situation, he said, "I'm going to back my kids as much as I can!" So, that left me looking like the bad person.

I've included my DS in businesses before. He has gotten angry and just says, 'I'm not helping you do this!" I've purchased homes to renovate and sell. I've asked him if he wanted to help me clean and fix them to sell. He says, "I'm not working for free" (yet, he lives for free). I take full responsibility for him being spoiled. I didn't give my kids everything they wanted. I was a stay at home mom. When we could afford it, we would go out and do things.
I believe my DS is a narcissist. No, I'm sure of it. It pains me to admit this. 

I forgot to mention that when he asked for 70K, and I said, "What happens if it doesn't work out because you know nothing about this business?" He responded, "Well, we could say, "At least we tried!!" I said, "At least we TRIED??" What does that mean? That means I'm out 70K. That's what that means.
He did try and get a loan through a bank--doesn't have a job, no money, or no credit.

I'm so glad I found your website! xoxoxox Thank you! I feel so much better! I think I'm finally getting angry about being taken advantage of...

Thank you, all for your support.
It's amazing to read that there are a lot of people who in the same situation as me.

As far as my DS/OS goes, he's never been told 'no.' He got angry at us (when I was married to his dad) and moved out. He leased a condo @ $900 per month. However, every month he would call and ask me to help him with his rent ($600) each month for 4 months.
Yet, living at home, he has never paid anything towards rent, utilities, food, etc. He's been home living with his dad and doesn't even like to clean his room.
When I brought up about cleaning the restaurant he got angry. That's because he gets angry when his dad asks him to clean his room. Did I mention that he's 32 years old? Ugh. So frustrated. However, all of the responses have made me a stronger person.

I just heard from my daughter that he doesn't plan on talking to me until I apologize (about what, I don't know).
He might start talking to me because he needs a babysitter for his 9-year-old daughter. I'm thinking that if he asks me, I'll do it for my granddaughter. However, part of me does not want to do it because he's just using me because it will benefit him.
What to do; what to do!
Once again, thank you to all who responded.

Hello, everyone. I'm new to this website. I have been trying to talk to someone without people knowing what was going on. My OS was talking about a business venture but didn't have the funds to follow through. OS knows nothing about running a business, but, thought it would be a great deal because, in his eyes, he knows everything. I've asked questions regarding the start-up costs, expenses, inventory, etc. He got upset and told me that I knew nothing about running a business. I suggested that he should work at the restaurant for at least 6 months to learn the ins and outs of the business. He thought that was a horrible idea.
Because none of my suggestions were considered, I decided not to help my OS with the funds to take over the business (because I don't know anything about the business, nor the place). I am at retirement age; therefore, all the money that I have is all I have. He was wanting $70,000 to pay off the business and its entirety (excluding the building and land).
Each time I have tried to speak to him, I only get a 'grunt.' He didn't even call me for my birthday. He told some people that parents are supposed to support their children in any endeavor they choose.
IMO, this generation is all about 'entitlement.' Do I owe my OS anything? I'm so sick of the manipulation. He lives with his dad. I don't visit anymore because I'm given the cold shoulder. I've tried talking to him; but, I get no answer. I have given up. Am I wrong? Please help me understand.

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