March 29, 2020, 08:16:37 am


"Welcome to -- When adult children marry and leave home, life can sometimes get more complex instead of simpler.  Being a mother-in-law or daughter-in-law can be tough.  How do we extend love and support to our mothers-in-law, adult children, daughters-in-law, sons-in-law, and grandchildren without interfering?  What do we do when there are communication problems?  How can we ask for help when we need it without being a burden?  And how do our family members feel about these issues?  We invite you to join our free forum, read some posts... and when you're ready...share your challenges and wisdom."

Show posts

This section allows you to view all posts made by this member. Note that you can only see posts made in areas you currently have access to.

Messages - daniel

Hi M,

I hope you're doing better and have been reading this forum and gaining perspective of what Luise and Bamboo has said.

Thank you again, Luise. Sending you and your son my love.
Bumping this to the top because.. it's very good.  I have this one bookmarked and have read it a few times. Thank you ladies.. you all rock and help so many of us, just thought you should know that.  Love and Hugs and Happy new year.
Adult Sons and/or Adult Daughters / Re: Bad Counseling
August 01, 2017, 09:58:01 am
Great news, M!! Hoping this continues and you can have a loving relationship with your son and GCs. I'm sure it is! 
My take is to just tell them your parents are going to be there for this birth. I'm betting they will understand. If you don't want them to visit after your parents leave, please don't tell them to come and then resent the fact they came.

Just tell them you are overwhelmed and would rather have a visit when you are feeling up to it. Then invite them when you are up to it.

Make certain you both sends them pictures of baby and keeps them in the loop.

If they say , hey, we get it. We can hotel it. Be very happy and say  that's awesome!
Adult Sons and/or Adult Daughters / Re: Bad Counseling
August 01, 2017, 05:19:08 am
Oh Marina. Hugs and love go out to you. I am so sorry to hear how this went. It is so sad how these counselors can't see the whole picture and are so easily swayed by manipulation.

Thank you all for sharing your experience with this. My heart hurts for us all.

Quote from: luise.volta on June 19, 2017, 09:11:41 am
How sad, G. Most of us here know what that feels like. We grew up in another era...parents weren't a means to an end, they mattered.

Grandchildren / Re: Coaching the GC to lie to you.
June 06, 2017, 04:51:35 am
Thanks TH, I would never blame a little boy for anything. He is 6. None of this is his fault.

Thanks for the replies ladies. Love ya
I understand. I wouldn't like this either. Can't think of anyone who would. However...I really think the problem here is not enough communication. Everyone seems a bit too worried about hurting feelings. Communicate with them in a nice way. That is how families get over these things.
I love the idea to give them something to do. Sounds to me like they don't know what to do with themselves.

For now, the hotel thing has been decided. That's fine and I'm happy for them that this is their turn.

Please be patient and know you have never said a word to them about your feelings about this so they have no idea how upset you are. You've been keeping this inside a very long time.

Do some relaxing breathing and find some love and kindness for them and talk to them. As if they are your's ok...they will probably love you for that.
Always be honest and stop the quiet. Talk to them.

When they treat your husband that way, tell them to knock it off...he is a grown man, a husband, a father and they did love him just the way he is.

I would of loved to of had a DIL Talk to ME, instead of everyone else and then using manipulation to get me out of their life.

I'm not saying you have done this or are doing this...just giving you something to think about instead of the anger you feel towards them.

Grandchildren / Re: Coaching the GC to lie to you.
June 05, 2017, 02:29:01 pm
I see I didn't give details...

I had asked my son if there would be a party (via text) he said I invited them over for cake, or I could go to them with a cake.

He said to come there with the I did.

I said, no party this year?...I said that's ok, we are having a party now, I even brought cake.

When his aunt called he was sitting next to me and I happened to hear.

Didn't say a word about it.

Grandchildren / Re: Coaching the GC to lie to you.
June 05, 2017, 01:38:33 pm
I don't look at social media to see what I'm missing either.

I do let him share what he wants to share, I changed the subject when it was obvious he was coached. No big deal.

He doesn't go to school, his mommy says his job is helping her with the new baby and that he does a great job. (home schooled)

I don't really have contact. Hadn't seen him since January when my MIL insisted they come to my house for a Christmas celebration with her and I.

I don't get thank you's to the BDay cards, just see the canceled check to know they got the card.

Thanks for the reply Marina, I appreciate it. Makes me re-read what I wrote and can see why you responded this way.

Have a great day kids..

I think I answered my own question, why continue giving when there are no thanks given.  I am done.  Thanks ladies.

Grandchildren / Coaching the GC to lie to you.
June 05, 2017, 06:25:40 am
Anyone else have this happen?

Do I simply back all the way off, no contact, no holiday gifts, no birthday gifts?

I'm getting better at no contact but the gift thing is still a question to me.

Saw him Saturday to give him his bday gifts. At his house, of course as they won't come to my house. Felt a little grateful for it, however, that's silly as the only reason I was even invited was because I invited them to my house to celebrate his 6th bday.

I asked him about his g, no party..then his aunt on Sunday. I knew he was lying and that I didn't have a chance so I let him believe I believed him.

Why fight that? He is 6 and none on this is his fault.

Do you send the gifts via mail or just stop altogether?

I'm not sure how to do this.
Thank you, Pooh. This is what I needed to read today. Many days I'll need to read this. Man...this is so hard. Hugs to all
I hear you, loud and clear. I feel so much the same, Marina. Thanks so much for this thread. It helps me. I hope we all find peace with this and have the confidence we need to help us get through this.

Some days I feel so strongly..others, not so much. I too have to give myself time before I respond to them.

Last weekend I took my 83 year old neighbor to the casino to celebrate her birthday. It was what she wanted. We had a blast. Got home around 9 Saturday night. I went on FB and got a notification that I was invited 5 hours before to a BBQ for my son's birthday the next day

I didn't go. I should of stopped by here before I declined and read this thread. I might of gone had I don't that. Emotionally, I didn't want to go and spend the day with her family. Wasn't strong enough for that. I beat myself up for that...but I know, it was for the best. For me.

Baby steps...

I did call him that night to tell him I couldn't come...that I had just got the message from FB about it and I had other plans that day.

I did get the new address from the event tho, so I sent him a card...and his wife too, for mother's day.

Her bday is next week...I'll send a card but don't want to put money in it this year. I hate feeling that way.
Last year I worked in the yard. Had decided I wasn't going to expect a thing. Then my phone woke me up early Sunday morning and I picked it up. It was them, wishing me a happy mother's day. Letting me know they would be spending the day with DILs family and that she had spent the whole day with them on Saturday also, while my son and GC stayed home. Didn't even think I might like a visit. expectations again. Silly things. I know better.

This year...I won't be picking up the phone. They can leave a message and again...I have no expectations.

It still hurts.oh well, suck is life....I will work the yard again,or just sit out back and watch the mother duck and her 12 babies that decided to grace me with her nest in my yard.

These things make me smile and my heart Happy. Baby ducks .who can not love that?

Wishing you all an easy gentle day. Be nice to yourself. We deserve it.

Much love and hugs to you all on this mother's day
Thanks Bamboo, Positive validation helps.  My daughter has been calling a lot this month.. after many long conversations, (she lives states away), it feels like we are going to be ok. I could cry I'm so happy about this. We chatted again last night, I needed some room after our last talk to get my head and heart straight. I was angry my DD believed the DIL's lies..

Last night we chatted, I told her a few things that have popped into my head. You all know how our subconscious will ruminate on things and then something will pop into your head for no reason.

It was confirmed DD was trying to break us up. Looking back at the last few years and DD remembered some things DIL had said years ago.

So.. you lovely ladies were right on the money. Thank you SO SO MUCH!  I'm still picking myself up from the dark hole I fell into, but with the sun and spring, I'm hoping things will look better.

having my DD back in my life (even if just over the phone) is helping my heart and my sanity.

I am sad and confused and just plain sad this all happened. Like I said before, I do see good in my DIL...I will never trust her again, for sure, but I forgive. For myself.

Missing my son and GC's.. but hopefully time will bring him around more often. There is hope, but he is in the clenches with a controlling, jealous and manipulative wife. I worry for him. I know he goes through depression from time to time too and well, I lost a BIL to suicide and I worry for my son.

DD said DIL is still just as nasty towards him. She let a lot of things off her chest about the visit last december. It was a good thing I made her stay there after all. It took her a few months to come around, but she did. Yay.

She wants me to come out and sail with her. I think I could do this now and have a great time, like the old days with my DD.

Boy, I sure have missed that little stinker. ;)

I still come here often and read.. thank you to all who share and to all of you who are walking this path along side us.

I never thought this would happen to us. It really does set me back. I tried to be the person DIL wanted me to be, she was setting me up and I didn't know what to do!

I am strong and confident again and that's what brought my DD back to me. THANK YOU! 

I will not let anyone walk over me again. She might have the power over my seeing my GC's.. but she failed at splitting up my DD and I.  Thank goodness... and I have a feeling my son may follow soon enough. We shall see. In the meantime I am staying away from them.