"Welcome to WiseWomenUnite.com -- When adult children marry and leave home, life can sometimes get more complex instead of simpler. Being a mother-in-law or daughter-in-law can be tough. How do we extend love and support to our mothers-in-law, adult children, daughters-in-law, sons-in-law, and grandchildren without interfering? What do we do when there are communication problems? How can we ask for help when we need it without being a burden? And how do our family members feel about these issues? We invite you to join our free forum, read some posts... and when you're ready...share your challenges and wisdom."
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Quote from: luise.volta on July 09, 2015, 02:14:17 pm
In my case I thought it wouldn't get worse after we married. I even hoped marriage would somehow make it better. Neither came to be...it got much worse! I wasn't able to take it continually and forever and I was sorry I walked into a card game with a loaded deck. There was no way I could win. I had a romantic dream I just couldn't up and it became a nightmare!
Quote from: love3 on July 09, 2015, 07:58:34 pm
Blue Lotus , I am a dil also in your situation. Our stories actually sound identical ! My mil is ALOT like yours , she wanted to pick out everything for our place when we moved to a new place. She is totally a want to be molder or trys to be . She would try so hard to get me to have her old furniture even after I told her I had everything picked out. She wanted to control still and kept asking same with bills . I NEVER let her pick out or give us furniture or buy us any. After we got our own , she gave up pestering about furniture . I think it funny how mil's actually think its ok to come in and redecorate to her liking which is the total opposite of mine that's where the molding comes in . Mil's need to understand they are not the women of the house anymore and need to respect the dil as an adult. The mil would not go into their own friends house , or even their own mil house to take over and re-decorate (that's where the respect comes in) . Sure they can suggest ideas and you can listen to them, but remember you are in charge and have no obligation to do what she says. It was hard for me at first to say no because she always talked really nice to me (even though she secretly hates me) and THAT was the guilt trip most mil are famous for. But I always stood my ground and stayed there , you have to if you want to be respected and protect yourself . Don't worry about what she thinks , because you will never be good enough in her eyes . Be the strong real person you know you are and don't let her tell you how to live your life. As for your dh ,... my dh was the same way at first he was scared and couldn't say no to his mom in order to not hurt her feelings and face the guilt trip... SO I then started tell her no myself ! And she would have to listen and accept it. Now my dh has no problem saying "no" to his mom since I started doing it myself he also got more comfortable to stand up to her. If your dh wont step up to the plate then you have to do it , its YOUR life , YOUR marriage .
Quote from: Pooh on July 09, 2015, 09:46:17 am
P.S. I'm not trying to say you shouldn't be in your relationship with DH, only that you need to know ahead of time what you will most likely be dealing with and can you handle that?
Quote from: Green Thumb on July 08, 2015, 05:46:49 pm
You say your fiance is in denial of how his mommy is. Is that correct? Does he stand up for you, speak up for you, when she is putting you down?
The advice I might give is to accept that this is how it will always be, between you, fiance, and his mother. She is never going to be nice or loving. You may want to google narcissistic family dynamics and see if any of the traits fit your situation. You have no power to change the mother, you can only change how you act and react and think about this situation. It is not personal towards you. She would act this way with any other fiance her son brings home. It is not about you, it about what is inside of her. One can make peace with that notion and detach and accept it for what it is -- or one can fight reality and experience arguments, unhappiness and heartache in dealing with her.
It is possible that your finance has been trained since childhood not to rock the boat with mom and to cater to her every emotion and whim, simply because that is how it is and how she demands it. He may have low self esteem if she used the verbal "put down" technique to control him as a child. If he is enmeshed and his goal is to make mommy happy rather than face her wrath, this is what you have to expect from him. Every time mommy has an emotional fit to get her way, to control the family, to divide and conquer your marriage, this may bring huge stress into your marriage. Your power is inside yourself and how you react and how realistic your expectations are for your fiance.
Quote from: Lillycache on July 08, 2015, 03:10:45 pm
Actually, She and my son were married for 10 years and had 3 kids when the split happened. Up until that point, I believed that everything was fine between us. The split happened when I stupidly sent her a friend request on FB and she didn't respond. When I asked her why, she blew up like a roman candle and began reciting all the horrible things that I had supposedly done and said over a 10 year period. Things I had no idea were a problem.. Words led to words... there was an enormous argument. She said things to me that I can NEVER forgive her for.. and that was the end.. She will never be allowed in my home again.
Quote from: jdtm on July 08, 2015, 05:04:42 amQuoteI've reached out, been kind and polite
Good for you! Now sit back and smile - from when I sit, it appears that the "ball" is in your fmil's court. It appears the relationship you want will not happen - really, that's O.K. - as your first obligation is to your future husband. Sometimes, it just is what it is.
Personally, my (now deceased) MIL was a wonderful woman and I loved her dearly. My (also deceased) FIL was very difficult and self-centered. Whenever we had family holidays, I made sure that I was never alone with him or near him (if possible) and I kept my opinions to myself. It worked - kept this up for several decades (since he did not like me, he did not want to be near me either). I did this for my husband and his mother. It was what it was.