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I bet you would like my posts deleted because it's the truth.  Even though  I'm the one who started this topic that you responded to. You all are so quick to complain, gang up and talk about your sons and dil's on this site but how dare a dil has a voice of her own!!! I am leaving thank you.  And you can stay here on this site forever complaining about your sons , dils , and how you have no relationship with, who won't let you see their kids, etc. You reap what you sow ! 

Still love you good TRUE  always respectful mother in laws and no disrespect to you!

One last thing. My point is:  NOTHING and I mean NOTHING gives the mil the right  to put down, disrespect, control and belittle the dil. Not the age, not before the age of 18 , not during the age of 18, and not after the age of 18. If your dil disrespects you or starts problems with you personally that's a different issue that needs handling. But she is not to blame for your sons future.  The only way you get to have rules in your home is if your son lives with you and is under the age of 18 . If he still lives with you after the age of 18 he is not obliged to follow your rules besides being respectful to his parents , he's not going to follow your rules at the age of 18 (such curfews, what to eat, who to see and who to date!) just because he lives with you . Kick him out if you don't like it. Your kids already start to take a life of their own when their about to graduate high school. This is the learning to accept and let go!

Look, the only thing I'm targeting is the school issue.  People are on here discussing and wondering why their dil's  dislike them so much or have a problem with them. I am giving you an honest insight .
Getting good grades of course should be an expectation.  But what if your son doesn't keep up with grades,  what if he drops out of college? Is that your dil's fault? No it's not. What if he starts of his marriage having to pay back school loans?  Or with a low paying job? So what? At least he's happy with what he decided and who he wants to be with. Everything the son did is his choice point blank period! You can say you wanted the best for him of course, fine. But that does not give the mil any right or reason to put down the dil in any way and blame her for anything that went wrong during his schooling.  Obviously the mil did or said something for the dil to have a problem with her.  I'm done here now. Go ahead and attack me for speaking the obvious truth ! I'm not discussing this any further.  Good luck! 😊

Oh my gosh . To the people saying when their son was in school blah blah blah.

If your son/daughter is UNDER the age of 18 and still in school. Yes, you get to have rules in your house. That DOES NOT mean you get to control who they want to be with and love.

If doesn't matter if your son is still at home waiting to graduate or in college . It doesn't matter that your paying for his books, tuition, own apartment, car, loans. IT DOESNT MATTER. They are over the age of 18 stop trying to control how they live their life and who they get to see. Just because your paying for their things does not mean you get to "call the shots". Their big boys by then. The only reason some mil's do this is to KEEP continuing for their sons to "NEED" them.

Just because your dil came into your sons life during high school, in college DOES NOT mean you get to treat her like poop and try to break up their relationship ,and CONTROL them as well JUST because your paying for your sons things. It does not work that way. Your dil is a human being , a person just like you. That is why you mils have problems with your dil's.  You treated them badly before so you broke that relationship for the future . Cause and effect people.

It doesn't matter what school situation your son is in that doesn't give you the right to treat your dil badly. If it was that much of a problem your son could get his own job and pay for their own things like they should have learned by the age of 18. If that wasn't possible well guess what? You still don't get to treat your dil like crap beneath your shoe!

Just had to say my piece that ALOT of others were thinking and I'm sure wanted to say. And now I'm out of here!

Green thumb- I am in that reality , except I never knew hard it is to detach from my mil after everything it should be easy ! She is not happy no matter how much you try to please her. It does sound harsh but I have to protect my family .

Still learning I guess I will enjoy it thanks! haha.

Also Lruby, I think the best thing you can do with a dil like this is to let them know you are always there for them , and if you find it hard to be around them then don't. . Your dil is very immature , things can get better if she realizes this and starts working with you . This is happening for a reason , whatever problems situation your ds and dil are in will come out to show later and your ds will see the reality hopefully, hopefully the both see.

lrubyhumbird : Your dil sounds like a handful! Mental abuse, bipolar disorder, alcohol , phoniness, she sounds like shes on a way different level! Im so sorry you have this kind of dil . My mil is phony, has made up lies to my dh, has plenty of manipulation tactics , and might have some type of personality disorder is what I feel like too maybe bipolar? aha. Because we know of the typical controlling intrusive mil , some dils use this as an advantage to make even the most nicest mil look like the "typical bad one" to their ds , and of course their dh gives in to manipulation. totally not fair.

I take pride in knowing that I can say all these things, knowing that I  never ruined the relationship  and that I am a happy good person who accepts and loves everyone and I know there are mill's out there who can say the same,  I can relate to you and I feel for you . 
New mama I also think it's a compatibility/incompatibility thing. Different values, morals, and personalities are always going to be there . People need to respect and accept these differences always,  as long if they're not hurting you . Its hard for mils to let go , yes that is very well established  but when it gets too out of hand to the point where the relationship between  the mil and  dil is officially broken, it can take a long time to repair. I could never imagine making my DH neglecting his family people who have done no harm to me in any way  just because I don't want to share him?  I just don't have the heart to do that.

Mil' s please get through your head that your son is an adult,  your dil is an aldult accept that and treat them with respect  just how you would another aldult. Your time of raising kids is over and now it's their time you should be proud and happy about it!

Dil' s don't make your DH stop seeing his loving and accepting  family because you don't like to share that's the meanest thing you can do to your DH you should be happy they love you and want you in their life! 

To you good mil's : Who can say they came into their dil's life being accepting ?
who can say they had the best intentions from the beginning? Who can say they couldn't wait to have a relationship with their new dil WITHOUT meddling, being controlling, or intrusive ?
Who can say they came into the relationship staying out of their DS and DIL business? Who can say they have never talked bad about their dil in any way shape or form throughout the relationship only to find out your dil hates you and doesn't want you around because she is insecure and only wants your DS for herself?

Im not a mil yet , but I am a dil who came into the relationship feeling all these things a good mil would feel. I understand the hurt, confusion, frustration, and anger. It seems like your either a good mil with a bad dil, or a bad mil with a good dil. Good mil and dil relationships are lucky !

Just had to vent this out  Love all you good mils!

Lily, I could see why you would say that , but I don't judge or view people a different way because of my own personal childhood that's ridiculous haha,  honestly.  Its peoples own action and words that I judge by.

Still learning, the anger problems came from traumatic times and events  in his/our  childhood,  and it escalated into him being a selfish and uncaring person. My parents have done their mistakes to contribute definitely!  BUT  they were always good people, always. As for the person he became,  that was not my parents fault he choose his path.

I'm sure you all get the picture alittle more,  now, hopefully!  Thank you all oh so much for listening I love hearing all your opinions and thoughts !

Well I do believe my DH about his mom. Was it always her fault?  No I'm sure he was to blame FOR ALOT  I'm not clueless , we all know our boys just like you said. I don't use her past mistakes in raising her son as ammunition or for an agenda  , nor would I ever bring it up to her face, that's their issue , that's how I see it. It does help me understand her behavior towards people though but nothing excuses her behavior towards me,  right is right and wrong is wrong no matter what. My parents made plenty of mistakes raising me and my siblings that effected every aspect of our lives forever , but we are still close because they love us and changed , my parent s  would never treat my DH like his do to me. And that's something hard to understand...

I have a younger brother who's wife blamed us for EVERYTHING... fights, break ups, make ups. Of course it wasn't it was my brothers he was NOT a good husband. Had a lot of anger problems . But she always blamed my parents who NEVER wronged her in any way that's just who my brother blames from their past feuds.  So I do understand you as well. He would also go against his wife and tell us their problems and before you know it more arguments broke out between EVER BODY . A lot of timed the husband is to blame, and the dil especially should acknowledge this as well as the mil.

Romans,

As a dil , I was always quiet , shy (in the begging ) and uncomfortable opening up because of my past and fear of judgement (as she is VERY judgmental) . My DH mom was and IS very uptight . In reality I'm loud and talkative and laughing . After we had our first official falling out , it has never been the same and I would distance myself even more . BUT I would still converse about general things or unless its about her , and not me (  I can not  talk about myself without her ignoring me or changing the subject EVERY TIME literally) I still smile and nod but if she said or did something disrespectful to me I would sometimes talk back in a serious tone and distance myself again.

SO, this is why its hard for a dil to open up. If she is keeping her distance , ignoring you, or being standoffish ... you might be saying or doing things she finds insulting.

If that is not the case then she might truly have an anxiety/depression problem that she really needs to get help for.

or she could still be holding a grudge from your past mistakes and nothing you do will ever make it up to her ,ESPECIALLY if she feels you are "still" meddling or saying hurtful comments to in some way. If you have done all you can to make it right, and still nothing then she is immature and hopefully( and I think she will ) realize and do things differently for the sake of family  .

I'm just saying,  this from my perspective and experience as a dil. You sound like you truly want things to change between you two ,  obviously there is a big elephant in the room and maybe talking to your son and asking what the problem  she has with you is and why she avoids you . She might get offended first that you went to her DH and not her (although understandable ) and might feel like you are starting a problem with her but it CAN give her the opportunity to open up since you are wondering about the problem and not bashing on her to your DS.

Wish you all the best!!!
I know there ARE really true MIL's who are good and do want a close relationship with their DIL's just like the true DIL's out there who do want a real relationship just as much.

Blue Lotus , I am a dil also in your situation. Our stories actually sound identical ! My mil is ALOT like  yours , she wanted to pick out everything for our place when we moved to a new place. She is totally a want to be molder or trys to be . She would try so hard to get me to have her old furniture even after I told her I had everything picked out. She wanted to control still and kept asking same with bills . I NEVER let her pick out or give us furniture or buy us any. After we got our own , she gave up pestering about furniture . I think it funny how mil's actually think its ok to come in and redecorate to her liking which is the total opposite of mine that's where the molding comes in . Mil's need to understand they are not the women of the house anymore and need to respect the dil as an adult. The mil would not go into their own friends house , or even their own mil house to take over and re-decorate (that's where the respect comes in) . Sure they can suggest ideas and you can listen to them, but remember you are in charge and have no obligation to do what she says. It was hard for me at first to say no because she always talked really nice to me (even though she secretly hates me) and THAT was the guilt trip most mil are famous for. But I always stood my ground and stayed there , you have to if you want to be respected and protect yourself . Don't worry about what she thinks , because you will never be good enough in her eyes . Be the strong real person you know you are and don't let her tell you how to live your life. As for your dh ,... my dh was the same way at first he was scared and couldn't say no to his mom in order to not hurt her feelings and face the guilt trip... SO I then started tell her no myself ! And she would have to listen and accept it. Now my dh has no problem saying "no" to his mom since I started doing it myself he also got more comfortable to stand up to her. If your dh wont step up to the plate then you have to do it , its YOUR life , YOUR marriage .

I'm sorry, I thought your dil was still in your life somehow... but sadly no my DH does not see his mom that way, he says she was always mean to him in his childhood saying hurtful things to him and that they never had a good relationship, although she did raise him. It's not something that makes me sneakily happy heck maybe if they did get along we wouldn't be in this situation! I see her clear in some ways but other parts no that's why I would think she had some type of  personality disorder.