October 01, 2020, 04:32:32 am

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"Welcome to WiseWomenUnite.com -- When adult children marry and leave home, life can sometimes get more complex instead of simpler.  Being a mother-in-law or daughter-in-law can be tough.  How do we extend love and support to our mothers-in-law, adult children, daughters-in-law, sons-in-law, and grandchildren without interfering?  What do we do when there are communication problems?  How can we ask for help when we need it without being a burden?  And how do our family members feel about these issues?  We invite you to join our free forum, read some posts... and when you're ready...share your challenges and wisdom."


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Messages - HopefulWish

2
As a young adult, I held on to many hurts from my childhood that I realize now were due to what my expectations were. And I see that in my children, my Aunt, and my brother when they talk about their childhood. Of course, now when they talk, I think to myself, wow.. what high expectations you had! (Of course, I now know that my expectations were pretty high and some were unreasonable) My oldest daughter is particularly this way. As a pre-teen she always looked at her friends and what they had, and they did, and etc and compared herself to them and any discrepancy was taken out on me. Of course, most of it was just her perception! I was a single mom of 5 kids.. but yet she balked when I would find a clearance rack and tell the girls to take a look. My youngest daughter and I would score some nice finds, while my older daughter would roll her eyes and complain "oh there is nothing good on there". Then we would get home and she is complaining because we got cool stuff and she didn't and why didn't we get her one too. Although we stood right there and kept trying to get her to look and try on stuff. She is still this way at 26 years old. I suppose she thinks everything is just at face value.

Where do we learn to have such high expectations at such early ages? I think it really sets us up for failure and disappointments. I know that I blame TV and movies for a lot of it. Things are just not as fancy and glamorous and easy as it seems.
3
Luise,

Oh how I agree! The land of endless, thoughtless, pretentious "selfies". However, I get the impression that either I'm boring, not dramatic or exciting enough, or I just have the kind of friends, because I LOVE to post pictures of my DIY projects, my flowers and plants, and crafts that I do and they go unnoticed. Lol :) Sometimes I wish i didn't have Facebook but I have my grandfather and grandmother on there, and a lot of great aunts and uncles. I love having that Daily contact with them even if it is only a post or two.
4
It's funny that you mention genetics.. I am actually studying for a PhD in Research Genetics! I have done a lot of reading about genetics and mental health. I hesitate to point the finger at genetics as a reason for mental health issues. I do believe that through genetics, we are predispositioned to certain chemical reactions through many genes, for example, methylation. Much in a similar way that varying hormone levels in women causes similar reactions in us - some more and some less. My current stance on the issue though is that it is up to the individual to deal with these issues. I do agree that there are children who come from non-violent, healthy, supportive homes who have issues and/or hate their parents, or engage in criminal activity.

What I meant about kids learning to be abusive from a parent or guardian though, is that children who are a product of an abusive environment, learn to abuse. Children learn their coping mechanisms from their parents, through the subtle messages that they receive in their environmental experiences. But I did not mean to imply that children who came from non-abusive backgrounds, learn to hate their parents from the parents. I just mentioned it to her, because in her case, as well as mine, the father was abusive. In cases such as mine and hers, I can see how they were influenced by the father abusive behaviors. My response was based purely on her own experience and mine, and even though it is seemingly a generic statement, it was not intended to be.

:)
5
jdtm:

Yes, I would love to label him Antisocial Personality Disorder (which the name is a bit misleading) or maybe Borderline Personality Disorder. But I also hesitate to label people with scapegoat "illnesses" that they "can't help" just because they refuse to get their act together and take responsibility for themselves. I wonder if maybe these "personality disorders" are not really illnesses, but correct and concise descriptions of all of the different flavors of people that refuse to improve themselves.

I don't want to give him an excuse for what he has done...
6
Good Morning Ladies,

I would like to start a discussion on how through the different generations, if society, media, and other influences affects parenting? How do you think that these influences affects parenting?  Are there things that parents can do to combat any negative influences on our children's attitudes? Do you feel like any of these factors played into your current situations? I am looking forward to hearing feedback and comments on this topic!

sending Hopeful Wishes to all XOXOX
7
Dear LostMom

Our stories are very, very similar. Strikingly similar! I know where you are coming from. I could probably fill in a lot of blanks in your book...let me tell what I finally figured out. I expected that my kids would be level headed and fair - like me - their Mom. But they aren't. Kids learn and grow from their parents or guardians. Kids learn to be abusive from am abusive parent. My ex was very angry at his mother, and I am not sure if there was or was not good reason for it although I've never observed that there in fact was. But he projected all of that onto me. Young and naïve as I was, I fell into it. As I grow older, I see more and more the magnitude of this mistake. He was not necessarily physically violent, but he did not need to me. Emotional abuse is the most detrimental. Besides, why should be risk getting himself into trouble for hitting me when he can just make my life a miserable nightmare? My kids learned from him that I am the epicenter of all that is wrong in this world - his problems AND theirs. Just because they put that responsibility off on me, doesn't mean that I have to take it on. Even if they truly think that everything is my fault, I am only enabling them and holding them back from growing if I just sit right there and take it. I am not in charge of how people attempt to treat me, but I am in charge of how I will allow them to treat me. Even if they are my children.
And just like a lot of moms here, my adult children need me when they need money or assistance. I told them that the Bank of Mom is closed for business. They also learned this from their father that the only time I am worthy of any love or affection is when they need something. Forget that!!
8
Facebook can be quite a hotspot for a lot of people for a lot of reasons! Not everyone uses Facebook in a friendly manner. A few months ago, my children were all on Facebook together bashing me, and some of my cousins and my half sister were joining in. No one knew what they were talking about. Which, my sister and my cousins engage in negative behavior anyway, and not always my biggest fans because I don't enable peoples negative behavior, and I say what I think. Well, both of my parents stuck up for me and told my kids and everyone that other older relatives are on Facebook and don't need to witness family drama like that. (But like my kids father - oh they NEED to put it all out there so everyone can SEE how I really am!) I mean really? They could have used the phone.. why Facebook? To humiliate me. I can't control what they say on Facebook or do to me, but I can control what I see on Facebook, so I blocked everyone who engaged in it. I didn't fire back, I didn't call and tell them off. I deleted and blocked them and that's it. I firmly believe that people will taunt you as much as you allow them. Now, I don't know in your case, if they are purposely posting those pictures to hurt you but I can assume that they might be. If you are dealing with family and close friends, and you know that something is a hotspot, you do not post things that are hurtful. If my mom and I were "into it" and for whatever reason, and if I didn't go visit her on Mothers Day - then no, I wouldn't post pictures of Fathers Day. Some people do things like that for the "sting". Don't give them the sting. I don't know if my attitude is the healthiest or correct one, but I withdraw from unhealthy attitudes.
You also should realize that if you made a big deal of it or mention it that - even if it was in fact a deliberate blow to you - they could say that it was innocently posted and that they never thought that you would be offended, and that you are over sensitive and causing drama, and that THIS type is behavior is exactly the reason why they didn't visit you for Mother's Day. It opens the doors to systematically disqualify you and use that as justification for their actions.
My vote is not to let anyone ruin your Facebook experience if you enjoy it. Go to their page and block them. That was, you will not see any posts or pictures from them, and neither can they see yours. My kids and their friends said that I was childish for blocking them. myeah right.. but gang bashing your mom on Facebook is mature, right?
9
Thank you LillyCache!

Yes, that's exactly where I am in my journey. I am a victim of Parental Alienation. My kids father was so bitter after I left him (for good reason), that he decided that if I won't love him - then no one will love me. He systematically drove away my friends, my parents, my BOSS (got me fired), got me kicked out of my apartment, and ruined subsequent relationships. And some people have said to me, oh well, if those people really cared about you or if it wasn't true, they wouldn't listen. Well, I am here to say that there are in fact, people who are determined and manipulative enough to do so. My parents, fortunately, saw through that many years ago when he tripped up and revealed his true character, but most other people didn't want to be bothered long enough to even figure it out. I guess I don't blame them. Anyway, I was naive enough to believe that my ids would grow up and "see the truth for themselves". I never lowered myself to his level, I never took the kids and ran, which I think now, I probably should have. So what my kid shave learned is that their fathers failures and bad behavior - was my fault. All of the hard times and chaos - my fault. And now that they are grown - their failures and faults are mine as well because I was a bad mother, as he told them over and over. Every move, every decision - was pointed out as a fault. If I went to the bathroom in the morning without getting their breakfast FIRST - made me a bad mother. it never occurred to me that my kids would turn out just like their father, and heartbreaking as it is, they have. After some incidents about a year ago, I have kept my distance from my kids. They are toxic and have succumbed to unhealthy attitudes and thinking. And there is not one thing that I can do about it. The only thing I can do is keep myself healthy and drama free. I won't continue to be their father's victim. I have accepted that in fact, their father may think that he has won. But he hasn't because he cannot destroy me. He waged war on me, and he hurt his own children and can't see it and doesn't care. He can turn my family, friends, and anyone else away from me, but I still love me - therefore, he will not win. As long as I love me, he will not win. I accept that when I naively engaged in marrying and having children with him, that there was a great chance that my kids would be like him. I accept that there may have been things that I could have done, or things that I could have done differently. I get brief tears now and then and I grieve, and then I move on. I am hopeful that one day, they will see and understand, but I know that there is no guarantee. About a year ago, I had this pivotal moment where I realized that just because I envisioned tings in a certain way, and just assumed that life was a certain way, doesn't mean that it is so.
10
I found this forum while looking up resources for coping with the various things that I have going on in my life. I am 43, female, and live in Texas however I was born in the state of Louisiana. I am legally blind and I have albinism. I enjoy cooking, home décor, DIY, gardening, genetics, genealogy and basically anything that that involves creativity and excludes drama. I am also a Network Engineer. I married to a real, live Teddy Bear if a husband who supports me through everything. The thought of joining this forum seemed fitting because as women, we encounter many situations and dilemmas through the different stages of life in which women uniquely identify with. I am definitely dealing with my own set of difficulties and I find it refreshing to get some insight from other wise women. Maybe there is a tiny part of me that needs to vent a little, and to reflect upon my own situation. But here I am with my stuff - some of them are big and heartbreaking such as the broken relationship with my adult children, and some of them I find comical like the shenanigans of the characters at my job. I have made my fair share of mistakes, so I definitely have some hindsight and retrospect to share along the journey to finding my own answers. Above all, peace and happiness are a choice that I make in spite of the hurt. I'm looking forward to connecting with you Wise Women!
11
I found this forum while looking up resources for coping with the various things that I have going on in my life. I am 43, female, and live in Texas however I was born in the state of Louisiana. I am legally blind and I have albinism. I enjoy cooking, home décor, DIY, gardening, genetics, genealogy and basically anything that that involves creativity and excludes drama. I am also a Network Engineer. I married to a real, live Teddy Bear if a husband who supports me through everything. The thought of joining this forum seemed fitting because as women, we encounter many situations and dilemmas through the different stages of life in which women uniquely identify with. I am definitely dealing with my own set of difficulties and I find it refreshing to get some insight from other wise women. Maybe there is a tiny part of me that needs to vent a little, and to reflect upon my own situation. But here I am with my stuff - some of them are big and heartbreaking such as the broken relationship with my adult children, and some of them I find comical like the shenanigans of the characters at my job. I have made my fair share of mistakes, so I definitely have some hindsight and retrospect to share along the journey to finding my own answers. Above all, peace and happiness are a choice that I make in spite of the hurt. I'm looking forward to connecting with you Wise Women!