August 05, 2020, 03:26:22 pm

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"Welcome to WiseWomenUnite.com -- When adult children marry and leave home, life can sometimes get more complex instead of simpler.  Being a mother-in-law or daughter-in-law can be tough.  How do we extend love and support to our mothers-in-law, adult children, daughters-in-law, sons-in-law, and grandchildren without interfering?  What do we do when there are communication problems?  How can we ask for help when we need it without being a burden?  And how do our family members feel about these issues?  We invite you to join our free forum, read some posts... and when you're ready...share your challenges and wisdom."


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Messages - Elise

1
For me, acceptance followed examining my own expectations, letting go of many of them. No matter how reasonable they were, ( as Louise always says) they were mine and no one was obligated to meet them.  Once I got that piece,  acceptance became easier. I also think once I let go of expectations other than respect in communications, I gave off a different energy to my ds and dil. I was available to them when and if they wanted contact or time together, without a fog of discontent or resentment surrounding me. I began to have some fun on my own without them, and in time had fun again with them. Equal time with the other in law family  not happening, so I let it go. I stay away from facebook, so I don't have to see what I am missing.  I am able to put my energy into my own life and then enjoying what is on offer with 'the kids'. It took time and a period of close to complete cut off, yet now 4 years later, I do not think about the loss of trust in my ds, I just stay in the present and give myself the gift of peace, the smiles on offer, and focus on them when I am around them.  I let them choose the amount of contact as we live hours apart, and rarely do I call them since they never pick up anyway.  If I get a message, I do call them back. The more I backed off, the more they came forward.  I think if you do this it must be without overtones of manipulation, as that undermines the change with a hidden agenda which can further mess up already strained relationships.
I also urge you to take the time to read some of the stories of members here whose posts seem to touch you.  Their stories over years may resonate in yourself and you may see that through terrible pain, akin to the pain you feel now, can indeed come change and peace and happiness in your own lives.  It may not look like the life you imagined, yet never the less it is indeed life with joy and love and peace, without or with our dc.
2
Lilly - come on over to the good ship WWU.  I texted Louise and she has your massage all arranged.
3
It sounds like there are some very hurting members who are dreading Mothers Day.  A few years ago, didn't Louise start us all on the fantasy cruise (imaginary) where we had a lot of fun?  Maybe we need to do that again this year.  What do you think Louise et al?

I'll start.  Let's agree to depart from Florida and I want a top floor room with a balcony midship.  I will bring all my cute dresses and there will be a tall handsome man who dances like Fred Astaire to fox trot and squire me around the dance floor after dinner.  Of course I am going to wear my high heels, never stumble and they won't even hurt my feet.  I am going to eat all my favorite things, sleep late in the morning and hang out with Louise at the pool in the afternoon.  We are going to laugh hysterically and amuse everyone.
5
Welcome. It sounds as if you are doing great in being sensitive to your dil's desires and parenting decisions.  Might she have posted in reaction to her difficulties when her mom filled in for you? We've all read those rules and many of them are key to getting along with our adult children, so they read them as well.

Like you I follow my dil's lead in being with my grand daughter. It is easy  since I do want her/them to make the decisions, not me. I have great belief their way is theirs and sometimes I am along in the back seat between car seats. I'm enjoying the ride when that happens.

6
Grab Bag / Re: I'm 88 Years Old Today
March 09, 2015, 04:13:09 pm
Happy birth day Luise!  I hope your day was filled with smiles.  Thank you for the hard won wisdom you have shared on this site.  Your counsel has shown me the path to a happier way of being.
7
I agree letting the incident alone is best, Shiny. Thanks for your support and input. What you said about knowing our dils or mils for so many fewer years than we know our own children or parents does account for a lot.  My dil communicates indirectly with me and I prefer direct communication. I  continue to learn her style and how best to interpret what she does and says. It has taken and still takes time and effort to tune into those differences for me. I consider myself lucky in the extreme to have a lot of time with my ds, dear dil and wonderful grandbaby. Along with lots of time come lots of opportunities for miscommunication. Most of the time it is dil, baby and myself alone together as ds is away from home 12-14 hours a day for his job 5 days a week and currently dil is not working. It has become easy to like dil close up because she is a fabulous mother and she makes my ds very happy.  Whatever else, I keep that foremost in my mind.

         
8
SL - what works best for me is to ass-u-me nothing.  In my particular instance, I would never go out and buy another humidifier (they have an extra one not being used which works just fine) They lack nothing materially anyway. I never purchase anything for baby or them without sending an iphone pic to dil for her preapproval and she has told me she appreciates this approach. To do otherwise in my relationship with dil would be presumptuous and maybe even controlling.
Interpreting dil's behavior as passive aggressive was not an assumption, rather a recognition of the disconnect from direct communication. Were it not a safety concern, I would have said nothing at all in the first place.
I am sort of glad this happened as it lets me know there are more eggshells still strewn around than I realized. Although I thought my zipper was working just fine, I will re-examine it for any broken teeth!
9
Thanks Louise and Pen.  Ok the eggshell two step it is. Just needed to confirm my inclination not to address the behavior.
10
It is a long time since I have posted on this site, though I read it regularly still.  After a long period of improvement between my ds and dil and me, I have been able to spend rather a lot of time with them and their beautiful 2 year old daughter at their home.  They moved close to me - 200 miles instead of 1500 miles away last fall. For the most part it has been great and comfortable for all of us I think. The last time I was with them a few weeks ago, an old humidifier in their daughter's room sparked when I turned it on, so I unplugged it. After I finished putting my grand daughter to bed, I mentioned to them the humidifier had a short and I had unplugged it.  They were watching tv and didn't respond and I said nothing else about it.  The next day, when I went to put baby to sleep I found the humidifer plugged in and turned on. My ds had not been home yet so I knew dil had turned it on and left it on.  I did not say anything and left to return to my own home a day later.  DIL did not mention it either.
In retrospect, I think I may have been too abrupt in what I said. I spoke as I normally would to my ds, and now I think I should have mentioned what happened (the humidifier sparked)and let it at that. I'm not comfortable with the passive aggressive way dil responded and am wondering if I should address what happened next time I see dil or just leave it alone.  I am not inclined to talk to my ds about this at all as the non-verbal response  was from dil. Thoughts, advice welcome.
11
Grab Bag / Re: Our Webmaster's Birthday
July 13, 2014, 07:48:23 pm
Happy Birthday Kirk and thank you for this wonderful website which helps so many of us.  Thank you Louise for sharing your wisdom so lovingly and helping me and so many others thereby.
12
Right back at you Louise and all!
13
I am so sorry to read about your mom. Notifying your ac of their grandma's condition and where she is living now is a good idea I think. Maybe adding a caveat that although no one knows how long she has, there has been talk of 1-2 weeks.
Please take care of yourself, this is hard stuff!
14
I love both your responses Pooh and Louise. Will use a variant of both myself regarding the stockings. Nudges to help me remain more aware and observant are so helpful. 
As a new grandma I have wanted to buy a lot of clothes for my almost 1 year old granddaughter, who lives far away. I have worked it out so that I go shopping seasonally for baby at a time convenient for my dil to respond on the iphone.  I take pics of things I think dil will like or she has told me baby needs, zip them out to her, she then looks at them and makes the final pick, texts me back which ones she likes and I ship them out.  She told me last time she loves getting those boxes because it is like Christmas opening them.  It has been hard to develop a connection with her sometimes and this has helped a lot - fun for me, a win for her and I get pics of baby wearing the cute little things. My ds loves that this is working and saves them lots of money to boot.
15
Grab Bag / Re: Second Annual WWU Imaginary Holiday Cruise
December 14, 2013, 08:18:41 pm
You get all the points Louise!!!  I am arranging a lovely meteor shower and a special display of the northern lights for you tonight - so saunter on out to that deck of yours once it is dark. Oh, and your Christmas cactus will bloom tomorrow.