January 27, 2020, 07:49:45 am

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"Welcome to WiseWomenUnite.com -- When adult children marry and leave home, life can sometimes get more complex instead of simpler.  Being a mother-in-law or daughter-in-law can be tough.  How do we extend love and support to our mothers-in-law, adult children, daughters-in-law, sons-in-law, and grandchildren without interfering?  What do we do when there are communication problems?  How can we ask for help when we need it without being a burden?  And how do our family members feel about these issues?  We invite you to join our free forum, read some posts... and when you're ready...share your challenges and wisdom."


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Messages - allthatmatters

1
I am a DIL and I have to agree with the above ladies.  My brother hardly calls my mom, only to talk about his news, his needs, someone to watch the kids.  Guess who does the planning?  Yep my SIL.  My sister and I call my mom and text just to say hi and see how she is.  My MIL has 3 boys no girls, now granted my DH tries but I do most of the communicating with.  Heck, 2 of her boys live right by her, walking distance and she sees us more than them and we are 45 mins away.  I know it hurts but just be thankful he calls.  There is plently of ladies on this site who don't get to talk to their children.
2
Thanks ladies for all the advice, when my MIL says though things I so badly want to say something...anything...but nothing comes out.  I find it difficult to express myself since she is not my Mother, who let me tell you I have no fear telling her to back off.  However my mom rarely even toes my boundary lines probably because I established those a long time ago and stuck to them.  Lately now my MIL wants to one up me for some strange reason, MIL will say (on the rare occasions she gets alone time) "LO did this with me or said that" and smile at me like LO only does that for her and so I spit out (without thinking) she already does that that or says that.  MIL wants LO to hug her or sit with her and LO does not want to and pulls away and crawls into my lap and MIL pouts, and says see she needs more Grandma time she doesnt see her enough.  Now why do I want to be around that?  Help me understand where she is coming from and how I can deal with that.
3
Grab Bag / Re: He's here!
April 15, 2014, 11:47:22 am
Congrats!!  :D
4
Ha! Luise I love your sense of humor! :D
5
I see your point Pooh thank you!!  It helps to hear the other side and helps me understand.  I have never met my MILs mom, I just figured her being "helpful" was due to the other mother and her lack of caring for her children
6
Maybe I will just look at that perspective and tell myself she is just being helpful and caring. 
7
Haha thanks for the laugh Pooh.  I don't think she is miserable under a lot of stress raising 2 young girls with no help from their parents so we try and help when we can.  I just wish she would look at me as me and how I am as a mom.
8
Ok ladies I have a thick skin so if I've being unreasonable let me have it I am trying to learn :)

My MIL is awesome, I am extremely lucky let me tell you and I know that.  My issue is her telling me how to take care of my children like I don't know what I am doing and it hurts my feelings and makes me mad.  It seems to be that she cannot seperate me from her other grandchildrens mom, who for tr lack of better words should have never been allowed to have children.  My inlaws have been raising my nieces on and off their whole lives and they currently live with them full time.  Who knows maybe my mil is just being caring but from my stand point telling me to watch my daughter when my mil walks away?  I am standing right there I always have my eyes on her even when's DH has her.  It's like she does not trust me :(  another example is when they get colds she keeps questioning if they are going to the doctor and if I say they will be fine it's just a cold and she just keeps going on and on.
Maybe it's just me and I am being to sensitive I don't want her to think I am a terrible mom like the other one :(
9
Totally understand thanks Luise
10
I don't believe I was nasty to you and I never said you were nasty to me.  If my reply came across as nasty my apologizes that was not my intention.  I was merely giving my feedback back on what you said and explaining myself.
11
Ditty, I re-read what I wrote and I never said my friend were more important what I said was I have friends that are like family to me like like my best friend whom I have known my entire life and I would like time with her too.  Family is very important but I am suppose to focus everything on my MILs needs or wants all the time?  No sorry not even my DH will do that our immediate family's  needs come first. 
It can be very hard being gone those many hours but we do it for the children's futures.  The school where we live is terrible so we transport my son to a school that requires a longer communite but is worth it for the education plus we can spend that time in the car together talking.
Now the part about I am all that?!  Where did that come from?  I admitted in my first post I came here to learn a MILs point of view and learned that I was in fact wrong where I saw controlling was in fact being wanting to be a part of our lives and I changed my point of view and adjusted.
12
Oh Ditty how terrible that you are being put through this, you seem like a mother who tried the best she could considering your past and for what to be treated that way?  Does your son call or email to say why he is acting this way?
13
Ditty, I am so very sorry for what your son and daughter in law are putting you, unless someone is toxic they should never be cut off.

While I can see your point of view and respect it I will have to disagree to a point.  I would like to give her more time but it is time I do not have.  I am gone along with my DH 12 hours a day Mon thru Fri so immediate family time is precious.  My 10 ur old DS gets alots of weekends with her and spends a entire month camping with her and his cousins, but my 2 ur old DD?  Why would I want to seperate her from me causing her emotional stress?  That time will come, she can still bond with her while we are present.  For some life revolves around all their family but for most younger couples now a days that is not the way.  We have friends that are like family that I want to spend time with, we have a huge house to take care of and we love 45 mins away. 

Adjusting ones expecting of how they think things will be makes life a lot easier for both sides.  Just because someone was raised that family is number one doesn't mean once they are grown they will agree with it and follow it.  Again everyone is different and this is just how we choose to do things.  Thank you for your opinion and I hope your son realizes soon what a wonderful mother he has.
14
Thanks footloose and pooh I plan on posting more as well as asking for advise.  Believe me when I say I have followed a lot of the advise on here even though it was not directed at me.  To get the MILs perspective has done wonders for me :)
15
Thanks Lily, how right you are about communication if a DIL just communicated with her laws so many issues would be nipped in the bud.  Now with me I realized after reading many posts in here that I was not being as fair with my inlaws as I was with my family so now all boundaries are the same across the board.  True I am going to prefer time with my own family but how is that fair to DHs family?  It's not and I finally saw that.  I was doing what a lot of DILs were doing pushing my MIl away if she crossed boundaries that she didn't know were there causing anger and hurt feelings cutting her out of updates and being around the kids.  She wasn't trying to be their mom she just wanted to see them.  They both love spending time with her and they love her as she does them.  Shame on the DILs who put their own selfishness before their children's happiness.  Now granted there are overbearing MILs out there that need to realize that their are not in charge anymore and the grandchildren are not a right but I'm sure as seen on here most are not that bad and just want to be a part the their grand kids life's.