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Messages - jdtm

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Your DIL sounds very similar to our former DIL.  Everything I did, said, even thought, was wrong.  I could not win.  So, since you asked for advice - I think you are doing the wise thing - "be still and quiet".  As for her birthday, send a nice card (and if you feel like sending a gift, include a gift card to her favourite coffee shop).  And, I would try to forget ... after all, you have done all that you could.  All the best in the new year ....

If you are a new member, welcome.

First of all, I siuspect your relationship has not ended.  It has; however, taken a different road.  All of us here are on "different roads" from what we planned or expected.  One statement you will hear is "what you focus on, expands", so right now (and I know how hard it is) your focus needs to be on yourself - do whatever makes you happy - reading, baking, crafts, writing etc. and especially exercising.  If your son son is living with another family (assuming they are good people), then he is fed, nurtured and safe.  Keep the door open - if he is coming around, that is really good news.  I suspect he just needs "growing" room - and he needs to see that you can survive without him.   I am so sorry -

Thanks Marina - actually a lot of your last post does apply to our granddaughter.  I still pray she will be O.K. - that is all I can really do now.  She is an adult and her life is in her hands. 

Well - I did that wrong.  I was trying to copy your quote "I'm walking on eggshells trying not to do anything wrong" - must have hit "post" before I intended.  Anyway, what I was wanting to comment on was your phrase "walking on eggshells".  If you Google this phrase, there will be many hits - perhaps some of the information might be of help.  At least, it helped me.

It is sad - but I believe that some people cannot "share love".  It is as though they believe "love" is finite, and thus nothing is left over for others.  How sad - the opposite is true - the more love is shared, the more love there is - infinite.  This selfcenteredness is hurtful for everyone - including the selfcenterd one.  I feel for you  - our former DIL sounds similar to your son's finance.  Our son was married to her for many years, finally, she left our son and abandoned he children.  Her selfcenterdness finally won - she got tired of "looking after" others and simply left.    How sad for her.  And even though it is better for us, her children have paid a price.  As others have said, you are not alone.  I feel for you ..

I'm walking on eggshells trying not to do anything wrong.

Thanks Marina - a different perspective- and one that makes sense and one that never occurred to me.  It is amazing how much we can learn from each other - as only those who have "lived it", get it".

Thanks Pen.  And thanks to this site which allows one to vent, as well as to "mull over" scenarios and solutions...

Thanks Kate - I intend to invite her to every family get-together that I control.   According to her maternal grandparents/relatives, she is treating them the same way, so at least I know it is not personal (just found this out),  I have decided to continue with the invitations (same as her brother) but expect nothing in return.  Gifts will be given in person - cards (no funds inside) will be sent through mail or computer.  I pray she is safe.

You're right - it is time to let go.  My gut tells me something is very wrong, but my head knows there is nothing that I can do about it.   All I can do is pray for her safety.  I really believe the reason she is not contacting me is that she does not want us to know "what she has done or is doing".

Thank you for the responses.  Mummy bear - you are right - I am so tired (and another death in the family - just returned from the funeral), is not making things easier.   I do think that our granddaughter might be depressed but I hesitate to question our grandson - he has suffered so much in the past that I want him to relax when he is with us ((knowing that we won't be dealing with difficulties, just mundane and happy thoughts).  And Marina - I do hope our granddaughter is busy with her new job (unfortunately she never seems to last too long at employment situations).  Her mother acted this way - she would assume one committed some "negative" (usually non-existant) act - disappear from your life for a few months or even years,  and then....  But, her mother is a survivor and that does give some comfort.  However, this behaviour is so foreign to me - it is just so hard.

I love my grandchildren dearly.  Our grandson is in college - I try to message him every few weeks - he replies within 24 hours or less.  Our granddaughter is older and in the workforce - she rarely replies to any messages or emails.  She also has mental health issues and drug issues (according to her father is still "clean").  I try to support her by contacting her a couple of times a month by sending her newsy but mundane family stuff by computer.  But she has not replied in three months.  She does come home and that is a good sign.  I am beginning to wonder if something is very very wrong - I cannot stir the pot by asking anyone (I am always accused of interfering and the relationship with our son is tenuous at best, unless, of course, gifts and money are involved), but I am so sad.  I have changed my longer e-mails to short text messages (don't have her telephone number or address) - honestly, I think that I am being blocked and she does not receive my messages.  So, do I continue trying to be supportive (if she is on drugs or severely depressed this would be important) or do I just give up.  This behaviour started after she finished college and is trying to live on her own - she did ask if she could stop in for a visit three months ago and, unfortunately, we had plans for that week-end.  She has not contacted me since and is in our area once or twice a month.  Her birthday is coming - the usual money gift which I could leave with her father, or just a card or maybe an e-mail card - I still am on Facebook with her.  I am just so tired of this ....

Daughter in Laws and/or Son in Laws / Re: At my wits end
« on: September 25, 2017, 02:05:17 PM »
I have been through what you are living and it is not easy.  Years have passed, a divorce (DIL left our son and abandoned her children), a remarriage, and the grandchildren are now grown.  And, we are again on civil terms with our son.

In our case, I am glad that we did not cut contact with our son.  Due to the departure of our DIL, our son eventually needed us and so did our grandchildren.  I, too, would feel nauseous whenever I needed to speak to our son (and there is still some of that residual feeling).  What worked best for us was to back way off and let my husband do most of the communications - holidays were horrible (and to this day, I still dread all holiday functions even though things are O.K.).  I had to learn to stop "trying to fix things" and trust that our son  would protect the children.  In fact, if I had taken these steps earlier, I feel the marriage would have ended earlier (which was a joke, at best), and he did eventually choose his children over her.  I so wish that I had not been "so readily available" - so eager to help.  Life would have been better for all of us - especially my husband and me.

I am so sorry ....

Grandchildren / Re: Mother in law treated better thsn maternial mother
« on: August 05, 2017, 10:37:44 AM »
We have two sons so we are the paternal grandparents.  We noticed that the maternal grandparents got far more holidays and interactions with our children and grandchildren when they were young.  Our grandchildren are mostly grown now.  Funny, one set of maternal grandparents thought we saw our grandchildren far more often than they did - not true.

My point - it will never be equal or fair as far as holidays/interactions with our families after they marry.  So, enjoy the time you have with your grandchildren and daughter -  who is to say what next year will bring.  In our case, one maternal grandmother passed away far too young (we grew to love her).   The other maternal grandparents saw the grandchildren much less after their daughter left our son and abandoned her children.  It still is not fair - but, today, the remaining grandparents (us and them) are very good friends.  After all, we all love our grandchildren - them and us.

Your son is correct - parents should support their children in most (not all) endeavours.  But support does not mean just funds - it means offering advice (or not - which often is the better), or not criticizing and let them fail (and hopefully learn while doing so), or just saying "I have faith in your judgment" (even if faith means it will be a learning experience) or simply "you are now an adult and the ways of today's world confuse me".  I think you did support your son - just not in the way he expected or desired.  Stilllearning has good advice - focus on the other parts of your life and trust your son will eventually "learn" how to be an adult.  You cannot do this for him.  Glad you have joined us ....

Without going into detail, this happpened in our family.  Our DIL blamed us for all her ills; our son, her husband, sided with her.  The "talk" ended with her raging and our scurrying out the door.  She is now our former DIL (she left our son and abandoned her children).    My advice - if you personally are seen to be the "problem", don't explain your truth (it probably won't be heard) - just leave.  Honestly, I think it would be best if you and your husband were not present and see if your niece can get a handle on the situation.  In our case, our ex-DIL did not want us in her life and that was going to happen.  I have a really really uneasy feeling about this "talk" especially since it has not originated from either your son or DIL.  And no professional is present.  Remember - one cannot reason with someone who will not reason.  Good luck - you are going to need it ...

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