January 23, 2021, 03:11:53 pm


"Welcome to WiseWomenUnite.com -- When adult children marry and leave home, life can sometimes get more complex instead of simpler.  Being a mother-in-law or daughter-in-law can be tough.  How do we extend love and support to our mothers-in-law, adult children, daughters-in-law, sons-in-law, and grandchildren without interfering?  What do we do when there are communication problems?  How can we ask for help when we need it without being a burden?  And how do our family members feel about these issues?  We invite you to join our free forum, read some posts... and when you're ready...share your challenges and wisdom."

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Topics - gettingoldandcranky

We have known dil for 15 years. I feel that she has no use for us - when they visit she is on her cell constantly or hiding in another room avoiding everyone.
She met someone whose name is spelled the same  as my hubby's but pronounces it differently, and now, 3 times so far, when we see her, she asks my hubby how he says his name! The first time she said "What is your name? How do you pronounce it?" He explained the family connection.  The second time, she did the same "What is your name?  I keep getting confused".  He is so unruffled but it bothers me no end.  This last visit it happened again.
How can you forget anyone's name, especially your fil's  - someone you've known for years?  We only see them about 3-4 times a year even though they live only an hour away. I questioned son this last time and he says the wrong name just slipped out. i say disrespectful!
I feel it is another way to show how little she thinks of us.  We do a lot for them - gifts, lending money.  We try to show love when we see them.  She doesn't deal with us often - how hard is it to suck it up for a few times a year and be gracious?
Adult Sons and/or Adult Daughters / Easter
March 27, 2018, 07:32:30 am
I am constantly struggling with my relationship with DS and DIL.  Now another holiday.  I spoke with DS, and he seemed to not remember the holiday and tried to just gloss over it by saying "i think something's going on that wkend".
School is on break and DIL and grands are going away with her mom, again.  This is the second wk that they have visited DIL mom and stayed with her.  She spends wks at their place also. In January she was there in their home for 2 wks.  Over christmas i was told that DIL's mom doesn't feel comfortable with us. I had figured that because every time we want to visit and she is there, i am told we can't come.  It was a little shock to hear it said out loud, though.

So, the other grand is in control and gets unlimited visits and when she is there, we can't visit. I know i can't control this and I need to not compare and let it go.  It is just really hard.

My first reaction is to just cancel Easter celebration.  The rest of the family just wants a meal - whether a special holiday dinner or not they just want to get fed.  They don't care about decorations, easter egg hunt or baskets.

I know  that i need to make this a special day for the rest of the family, but my heart is not in it.
It is so hard to wade through this mess.

Thanks for listening.  I am so grateful to have this forum to come to and vent.
so i was set for a visit to ds and his family and got sick so i tried to call the night before to cancel.  he didn't answer, which is typical, and his vm is usually full so we can't leave messages.  i emailed to let them know.  dil responded - "oh, no. hope nothing major. when all in good health reschedule."  but not a peep from son.  no call, no email - no "how are you mom?".  sick and hurt, i emailed - disappointed in no call or check on your sick mom.

  we could disappear off the face of the earth and he wouldn't notice.  he never initiates contact and i miss him terribly.

i feel like i should ask for a one on one talk again, but that never seems to last.  he is not a child but doesn't seem to realize that life can change quickly and we might not be around forever and why doesn't he have the love for us that we have for him?
guess i am venting, again.  just hurts, every single time
Adult Sons and/or Adult Daughters / Father's Day
June 19, 2017, 03:57:25 am
The day passed by with no call from our eldest son.  i know he has his family and his life is busy.  but he doesn't think that every day when his dad comes home from work he asks if i've heard from his son.  every single day.
we get a call when they need help.  we call - no call back.  we email - no response.   each day is hard, but the holidays are hardest.
son says he loves us.  i see my husbands pain and i sympathize.
so very sad.
Daughter in Laws and/or Son in Laws / visiting
March 30, 2017, 07:58:44 am
went to visit the grandkids. we live fairly close, but don't often get to visit.  they are busy, parking is a problem.  we haven't had a really easy relationship.  had lots of fun at their home, then we went to the playground.  my dil spent the majority of her time visiting with other people.  she never introduced us, didn't excuse herself from conversations because she had "visitors". we spent over an hour just sitting alone and watching kids running around playing.    when we left and had dinner at a small restaurant, she excused herself to call a friend and proceeded to chat for 15 - 20 minutes.  i KNOW that we are not the people she likes to spend time with, but isn't this rude? when i was young and raising my kids, i felt obligated to put on my happy face and be pleasant and converse with my in laws or anyone that was a guest - even if i didn't particularly care for them.  they were important to my husband and we both wanted them to be an important part of our kids lives.
in a previous post, louise had mentioned not being of part of "no respect".  i find myself concerned that the kids notice this and it might impact them. 
at this point, we take whatever time we can get.  i can only hope that the kids enjoy being with us and that their mom ignoring us does not impact how they feel.
what do my wise women think?
Adult Sons and/or Adult Daughters / helping financially
September 27, 2016, 11:25:36 am
I have been struggling with this for a while and am posting for wise advice.  DS has mentioned that they are having financial concerns, living from paycheck to paycheck. 
My husband and i had sent him a set amount every month before ds and dil had even started their family, they have 2 children now.  DIL never acknowledges any gifts - birthday, anniversary, even christmas presents.  I only see the cashed checks.  DS mentioned the monthly checks when i started sending them, but never acknowledged again.  After the first baby, in conversations, we learned that DIL was paying bills for her mom who doesn't work consistently but does have a home, car, and also travels.  So, DS and DIL are paying out some of their income to cover her mom's bills.  SO, i stopped the monthly checks.  Why should i help pay her mom's bills?  DS never asked why the checks stopped.
Now, they are having a hard time again and i feel bad not helping.  I don't like to see my son stressed out and we can afford to help. But the idea that our money would be supporting her mom makes me angry and not want to be involved.
I know this seems like a no brainer, we've had years of relationship problems with DIL and her mom, but it just seems i should just help again and let him sort it out.
Grab Bag / dividing an estate
September 28, 2015, 08:55:09 am
Hope that i can get some perspective and/or advice.  my dad passed away in january and we are just splitting up his and my mom's estate. i am the oldest and the executor.
my brother moved back home about 3 yrs ago when my dad started to have health problems. brother took care of bills, the house and just was there for my dad.  My father's retirement income covered all bills and brother paid for nothing.  just his own personal expenses. 
my younger sister borrowed money from my dad during this time.  She struggles to pay her bills - jobs in our area just don't pay for the cost of everything.
anyway..... now that things are about to be divided guess what is happening?  sis feels she shouldn't have to pay back her loans because brother got to live for basically "free" for 3 yrs.
i feel that dad made the arrangement with brother - he didn't ask him to pay rent or cover bills.  dad would have helped any of us financially. also, the fact that brother lived with dad was a great help and relief to me that dad had someone with him and helping him.
what do the wise women think?  both brother and sister are circling each other - totally believing that each is right.
i need to decide the fairest option.  and here i am with no loan, and no one covering my bills.  ironically ok with not screaming that this is unfair to me.
help please

Adult Sons and/or Adult Daughters / visiting
July 03, 2015, 08:22:16 am
just checking in to vent yet again.  ds and his family away for the wkend.  nice, right?  they traveled 300 miles and rented a place with friends.  good for them - glad they are having fun.
we live within an hour.  when we invite it is too much trouble - always an excuse.  too far, too hard to travel.  ALWAYS an excuse. 
just don't understand.
trying to keep that rope dropped.  but it still hurts when you get slapped.
Adult Sons and/or Adult Daughters / shot down again
April 18, 2015, 07:48:46 am
dil was going under anesthesia for something that was not shared with us - personal, not our business.  son asked if i would come and babysit - just an hour or so.  her mom was going w/her and ds was working.
when they come for easter, son tells me they don't want me to come now.  dil feels like she needs to entertain me and i would want to hang around too long.  i called son on this, saying this hurts me, but i understand if she will not feel well that she would not want me around.
then, when they leave to go home, i wish dil luck with procedure, and she says thanks for offering to help, but kids are used to babysitter and that would be better for them.
told ds that i was hurt and wanted to discuss this.  he never called until today, 2 wks later. 
i brought it up and he's telling me that i am changing how it happened and he doesn't understand why i am upset again.
he says i am welcome to visit anytime but i always feel stressed and exhausted with dil doing her fake happy that u're here, but happier when u leave.
wish i could stop contacting ds.  can't seem to let him go - i keep poking and getting hurt.
i don't deserve this treatment but keep asking for it. 
just unnecessarily hard
we are still in the same situation.  dil's mom is with them constantly - lived w/them for months.  she doesn't work, seems to just live for her dd and grands.  has taken over and we have even seen her tell my ds what to do in his own home!
so far, we have been allowed a visit for thanksgiving each year and every time are asked if dil's mom can come.  i am so tired of having her there - not only are we watched constantly by dil, but her mom follows the babes around and watches how everyone interacts w/them. they are like hawks.
my ds gets upset if i say, plse no mil.  once we said no mil and she came anyway.
know it would be bad if i say, no mil - if she is so important just stay at ur home and do holiday w/her.
what do u wise women think?
Daughter in Laws and/or Son in Laws / dil's mom
July 05, 2013, 08:04:18 am
my dil's mom is a major part of her life.  she stays with ds, dil, and gb's often and for long periods of time(weeks) in their home.  she is really like a 2nd mom to grands.   we live a drive away.  if dil's mom is there, we are told we can't visit she is there.

we are visited in our home maybe 4 - 5 times.  majority of these times, dil's mom comes too.  she chatters constantly and we don't get to visit w/ds and dil and kids the way we could if she is not there.
there is no "polite" way to stop this.  any suggestions how to deal with this?  tired of gritting my teeth and smiling....