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"Welcome to WiseWomenUnite.com -- When adult children marry and leave home, life can sometimes get more complex instead of simpler.  Being a mother-in-law or daughter-in-law can be tough.  How do we extend love and support to our mothers-in-law, adult children, daughters-in-law, sons-in-law, and grandchildren without interfering?  What do we do when there are communication problems?  How can we ask for help when we need it without being a burden?  And how do our family members feel about these issues?  We invite you to join our free forum, read some posts... and when you're ready...share your challenges and wisdom."

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Topics - Sheen


I was just wondering if any of you have reached the point of giving up the notion of ever reconcilling with your estranged children. In my case it has been eight years since I last saw my AS and at this point, I have no idea where he is living, how he is doing etc. I have tried getting in contact with him over the last years and short of hiring a pi , it has not been a successful search.  He has not only cut me out of his life but also his three sisters, aunts, uncles etc.

Our original disagreement concerned money but that was fourteen years ago and it ended up I wiped the slate clean of over 85,000 dollars in hopes it wold mend the relationship. He has never actually said what his problem was although I gather it was because I made the incorrect assumption that he would actually pay back the loan as agreed. In his eyes, it was totally wrong for a parent to expect that and it should just be taken as a responsibility of the parent.

As far as my dil , I really have never had any type of relationship with her as we have never lived close enough for that to happen. For the last fourteen years I have lived outside the US and when I did live there, we were on different coasts. They are both in their early forties so I don't hold much hope that they might reconsider their relationships with our family for whatever reason. They have two children which I have seen once, eight years ago. For the first few years I sent birthday, Christmas gifts but never heard anything and the last year I sent them they were returned because they no longer lived at the address I had. 

Like many of you, I do not understand how a son who I had always maintained a close relationship with, suddenly turned into this person I no longer know and although I have gotten to the point that I accept this is the way they want it, there are still those days when I can't help but feel so confused by the whole thing. My relationships with my three daughters has remained strong and constant and I feel badly that he has chosen to just eradicate them as well as me from his life.

In cases like this, we all do go on with our lives but no matter how much we try to bury the pain , it still does surface from time to time. 
I would like to get some outside thoughts on how you all deal with guilt trips thrown by your adult children.
A little background , I live in Europe with my hub and youngest daughter and 2yr gs. Usually once or twice a year, I make the trip back to the states to see my other two daughters  and other gd. We have always had a fairly good relationship and I speak to both of them every day, either by me calling or by them calling.  On my visits back home, I try to split my time evenly between them as they live in different states but without fail, each time I go, I hear how I spent ten days at one and 11 days at the other. This is usually caused just by the airline flights I obtain and in no way are done intentionally.

My oldest daughter just visited here and we spent a nice two weeks together and our plans are making our trip this year back in November .  I have already offered to help my middle daughter with tickets so that she can travel to her sister 's home for Turkey day and we can all have a nice holiday.

Yesterday, my middle daughter called and wanted to know if she bought me a ticket , would I fly to the states and stay with her for the summer, two months and babysit my 6yr gd.  I explained that it was really not a good time, as my hub  has just started medical treatment  which requires ivs every two weeks and has just been put on a total  gluten free diet.  On top of that we had just gotten back from rome and were trying to save the money for the trip in November.  I offered to pay for half of the cost of summer camp so that  she was not so strapped and even offered to pay for the tickets in Nov but none of the offers were good enough.  She proceeded to place a major guilt trip on me for not coming, saying everything else could wait, she needed someone to watch gd, how I am never there when she needs me etc.   

It just seems that no matter what I do , someone always gets upset and if I could just divide myself between the three girls I would be fine.  At times like this, I sometimes think it is kind of a blessing that my son does not speak to me because I don't think I could deal with four of them  laying these guilt trips on me .   Thoughts ????
Adult Sons and/or Adult Daughters / Holiday Wishes
December 19, 2010, 07:25:58 am
Happy Holidays Everyone !

I know there are many of us, myself included,  that find the holidays a bit hard to deal with because of the problems we have with our adult children.  For years I have sent gifts and cards to my son and his family and have never even received an acknowledgement that they received them. As this year's season approached I again thought about whether I should bother or not .  The other day I came across the site   http://www.wishuponahero.com   and started reading some of the wishes that people have posted from all over the country.  I decided that rather then send gifts to my son and his family who probably do not need them, I would pick a few of the wishes and deal with them and I must say that I feel better about that then I have about gifts I have sent for years.  Some ask for such small things, some ask just for a card but it is within all our grasp to make these holidays a bit more special by helping someone else.

I wish you all a happy holiday .
Adult Sons and/or Adult Daughters / Thanks for this site.
September 28, 2010, 04:38:31 am
Hi all
I have been reading your posts for some time now and although I have never posted, I must tell you how happy I am that I came across your site.  I won't bore you with my story because frankly although details might differ the outcome is the same.
I am a mom to four children, now adults , three daughters, one son.  The girls and I all enjoy close relationships in spite of the distance between us. My son is the oldest and the one that I have problems with.  We have not spoken in six years but the six years prior to that were when he slowly decided he no longer wanted a family (his side) in his life. Although we had a very close family unit during their childhood, he no longer sees the need to share his life with me, his sisters, or any relative other than the ones related to his wife.
I think I read somewhere on this site that the feelings we all have are very close to the stages of grief that one goes thru when they lose someone . Giving that some thought, I believe that is very true.
•   Denial (this isn't happening to me!)
•   Anger (why is this happening to me?)
•   Bargaining (I promise I'll be a better person if...)
•   Depression (I don't care anymore)
•   Acceptance (I'm ready for whatever comes)
I guess I must be at that acceptance stage because although I would never of chosen this type of relationship with my son, I accept that it is his life and if that is how he wishes to live it then so be it. I don't pretend to understand nor can I put myself in his shoes because   I can't even comprehend doing this to my Mom when she was on this earth.
At any rate, thanks again for developing this site, it always helps to know that there others dealing with the same situation and are just as confused as I am.   Hugs to all