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Topics - kate123

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Daughter in Laws and/or Son in Laws / MIL's support is bothering me
« on: September 26, 2017, 04:23:21 PM »
Usually I do not write here about my BF or his Mom. Hope I am putting this in the right place, but here it is. She is not my MIL, but my BF's mother (I will never marry again). Anyway she is like an MIL in every way. She is nice and kind to me, but lately I do not feel I can have a conversation with her because if I dare say anything even remotely negative about her son she goes into a kind of denial. He can do no wrong. And frankly I believe this has led him to be completely irresponsible. Leaves his clothes on the floor everywhere, dirty dishes everywhere, and so on. I can repeat myself a thousand times and it changes nothing. If I should accidently mention anything to his mother she immediately makes excuses, oh he is tired or this or that. NO! he is lazy! And what I say in my mind is- you sent him back to his father at age 13 because you couldn't take it either! HE is a big BABY because no one kicked him in the butt and trained him, now I am trying to deal with it! That is what I want to say but never would. But really, what do I say to her when she defends him when she should say- put him on the phone, let me say a few words of motherly love (i.e. get your act together boy!). I would like to have a good relationship with her, but I am drifting because I just can't deal hearing how perfect he is anymore! She blames his exes for all that went wrong, I am slowly seeing something different, like maybe they got tired of being his mother! The one that wasn't there during those trainable years. I don't know the exact whys of why she sent him to his father, but maybe now she feels guilty, or she needs him, whatever. But don't you think she should be honest with me, and him by telling him he has to man-up?

Adult Sons and/or Adult Daughters / Leaving AC out of the will
« on: July 16, 2017, 11:09:03 AM »
Just an FYI-I saw a few 'will' topics and just thought I would share what my lawyer told me ( in case someone does not know this). If you want to 'exclude' a child from your will you should actually include them but only give a insignificant amount, like $100.00. That way it is clear that you do not want them to have a portion of the bulk of the estate. By not mentioning them at all, it can be contested that you forgot to include them (the senile accusation), or it was a clerical error.

Beware- the F word is used, so if that will bother you, may not want to watch. However information is helpful for those of us in this situation. He explains the psychology of these matters and seems knowledgeable, also has experienced this himself.

Adult Sons and/or Adult Daughters / "Just the facts, Ma'am"
« on: January 16, 2016, 04:47:19 AM »
Pen, I just saw this on one of your comments
I have dear friends, here at WWU and IRL, who don't require the eggshell walk or the "Dragnet" ("Just the facts, Ma'am") version of me.

Love it. Really hits the nail on the head for me. I am at that point with my son because I have come to realize my importance in his life. And since he no longer really shares anything with me because then he has to admit that he spends time with everyone BUT me (minus maybe a stopover), the conversations are getting weaker and weaker. I do not feel he is interested in talking to me much, just doing what is required. So now I give 'Just the facts'. "Yes I am still alive, glad you are doing well...".  All I can say is, he does not know what he is missing in a mother or friend like me.

Adult Sons and/or Adult Daughters / Christmas dinner canceled
« on: December 17, 2015, 06:48:37 AM »
Hello Ladies,

This year, for the first time since I left my ex in 2000, my son and his family were going to spend Christmas Dinner at my house. This was planned months ago. At Thanksgiving my DIL told me they had a change in plans and would not be having dinner with me, later my son brought it up and I did not say much except that I did not think it was right and that if I had known I would have made other plans. They said they could do Christmas Eve instead. My ex probably had something to do with this, but not sure. I suspect his family is having a large family diner. I don't know if I should be grateful to get anything at all, or what to feel. BTW my son also said that he can't please everyone, which is what he always says when this happens- it has happened before. Any advice??

Adult Sons and/or Adult Daughters / Bad Mothers??
« on: August 20, 2015, 04:50:51 PM »
After making hundreds of observations of families (since mine fell apart) I have noticed that the worst, and I mean the worst, mothers often have adult children that seem forever tied to them. It seems that no matter what they do or did, drugs, alcohol, neglect, their children stick by them and are a regular part of their life. Their adult children often want to live close, to the point where they would not even consider taking a job that would take them far from Mom. Holidays are spent at Mom's, grandchildren's parties at Mom's, so on and so on. Wow, if I had only known then what I know now. I am sure there is some psychological reason for this, but what does that matter when they have their children and the "good" Moms don't. Just another day where I am saying I don't get it.

I just finished reading this book and found that everything I have experienced is in there. It would be a very good read for someone new in this situation to avoid years of grief and guilt as it emphasizes that you did nothing wrong outside mistakes all parents make. I am not sure that it provided any resolution, as more often than not there is none, but it does give advice on coping.

Adult Sons and/or Adult Daughters / Epidemic Problem
« on: March 18, 2015, 06:58:25 AM »
Also wanted to let everyone know that the problem of estrangement, from what I have been reading, is now a epidemic problem. The 30-40 something's have a chip on their shoulder and a sense of entitlement it seems. Maybe it was the ideas of the hippie generation.

Adult Sons and/or Adult Daughters / Can't Apologize
« on: March 15, 2015, 01:37:56 PM »
Hello All,
I am stopping in again to get your opinions, I am curious to what others are doing or have done with estranged Ad/As. As always I surf the net for answers even though I know there is no answer for most of our situations. The common element I see in the various blogs, sites, or books is that they recommend that you apologize to your children for your wrongdoing and accept their perspective. Well I just can't do that. I can't admit I was wrong and apologize for things that I did not do. I won't apologize for doing my best even if they did not like it. I won't apologize for abuse that never happened. IMO if I say I am sorry for any of it then I am saying that I did do wrong, and I did not. They was no abuse, no drugs, no alcohol. There is no excuse for my AD behavior except that she became very religious, and I have never been. I have stopped trying to connect with her and at this point I truly have given up and don't care to make any effort. But I still read about how others are doing and would like to know if people really think that feeding into their delusions is the way to go, not that I will do it, just curious.

Adult Sons and/or Adult Daughters / Holiday stress is coming
« on: October 18, 2014, 04:33:11 PM »
Hello Ladies, well here we go again into holidays. Ever since my divorce 10 years ago I have never had a holiday visit in my home with my Ac's, as I mentioned before, my ex gets first dibs, then in-laws. I was invited to my AS's a couple of times and I went. I have never been invited to AD's. AD and I are done as far as I am concerned because I could no longer take the way she treats me.
My dilemma is this, should I make the 10 hour drive for Thanksgiving. It is a dilemma because I feel that this is one sided in that I do not get visited even when he or AD are driving through town on their way to visit someone else. Also this will be an expense and I am on a fixed income.
I can't express how tired I am of my ACs. It is a sense of hopelessness in that I can't do for them what my ex can do with four times my income, or what the in-laws can do who also have money. I really think that if I was doing more, spending more, that I would get more attention, but isn't that pretty sick?
I am so tired of it all I just don't care to put myself out. Quiet holidays at home seem a little more desirable at this point. But I am afraid if I don't go it will somehow be used against me in the future- probably no more invites. What do you think??

Adult Sons and/or Adult Daughters / No more Facebook for me
« on: July 09, 2014, 05:10:04 AM »
Hi all, have not posted here for awhile, but check in every now and then when things get tough.

I went on FB yesterday to show pictures of GC only to find pictures of DD, her family, my XH and his family all having a wonderful fathers day in a restaurant. It really upset me way more then it should have, but I guess it did because I got no mothers day visit (never do) and no birthday acknowledgement (never do). That itself did not bother me as much until I saw the photos, then it really stung like a bee.

Said to myself before I would stay away from FB as this is not the first time and I feel like I am spying since it has nothing to do with me.

On a good note I am out of state looking for a place to move to. At this moment I do not plan to tell DD my new address/phone I am so upset, though I will probably change my mind when I become hopeful again. Thanks for letting me vent here ladies!

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