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Topics - stilltrying2010

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Grab Bag / long story, looking for advise
« on: December 18, 2015, 07:30:43 PM »
I'm going to start at the beginning. Many years ago, my grandfather had an affair as his wife was dying of breast cancer. After she passed, my grandfather married the lady and legally recognized her child as their. My dad was 23 @ the time. Shortly after my sister and I were born. His older sister had 3boys older and between us. 2 short yrs later he was tragically killed. Several yrs went by. There are photos of all us cousins (and half aunt) together after the passing. However my mom eventually remarries. They attend her wedding. Mom keeps taking us to see grandparents. I never recall seeing cousins or grandparents interacting with us altho we did go to tbeir home. We live 10 miles apart but all contact ceases. As a kid nothing from any of them, ever. I recall going to oldests hs graduation at age twelve, and the grandpa funeral at 21. Zero contact during all these years. The aunt and half aunt both pass from cancer and some relative notifys my mom. My sister beats breast cancer has genetic testing. 2 red flag genes. Advied by dr to notify cousins to be tested. I reach out to the oldest on FB. He is all like long lost relative. Makes it seem lime we withdrew (obviously we were kids as was he). However all these relatives of his (well. Mine too) chiming in about family, how they havent seen us for 30 yrs.... we never moved lived inthe same small town. My mom has same phone number my whole life. I now dont know what to do. I contaacted them to advise of medical issue, not really thinking beyond. I feel abandoned by the whole family. To me its not like a reunion, I recall no shared memories or past. I told my mom of what is going on gist of things and could tell she was irked. As am I - if its all about family why didnt anyone bother my whole life? I have struggled with this my whole life and dont know what if any future whole be for me and the cousins. Clearly it is not their fault either but i really have nothing to say. Glad they are well but their yalk of reuniting and family are upsetting me. Sorry tmi and so long, if you made it this far thanks.any advise?

Btw my step dad who i call dad and his entire extended family accepted us and treated us no different than the bio grandkids. I call them and visit whenever I go back.

My ILs have been here over 2 weeks... we have a low contact/strained relationship at best. Showed up a day before they planned and didnt give us an end date... She is a wonderful grandmother to her daughter's children but we are secknd best. We have provided all food, dinners (they choose to goout for lunch everyday). They are IMO enmeshed with SILs family. Looking for things for SILs kids txting calling numerous times a day. Whenever I am doing laundry (family of 4 onmy day off) MIL will suddenly have to do hers, helps her son cleanup suppers he cooks, compliments his dinner but literally walks away from table after done w my meals. Has not asked offered to watch our kids, attend any of their activities. Videoed me without my knowledge and posted it to facebook (eating a roasted marshmellow - literally I am in center of shot, thanks)Just feeling suffocated and uncomfortable in my own home. Tried stepping aside. Stayed home while they went to neighborhood carnival. She is in her glory then. Ive been sick. Didnt help me or offer to make dinner but when husband brought in take out going to fix my kids plates. Straw that broke me telling my 3 yr old not to bother me I was asleep. Seems like being nice but since my 9 yr old was with me not exactly valid. Just filled with anger, guilt, sadness.  I love my husband. I wish it wasnt this way.Every year they "visit" for 2-3 weeks... it is pure torture for me. They are negative about every thing. Insult the other kids/grandkids. Complain about everything. Saw a commercial for sonic half price shakes. Came back. Hated their whip cream (?) And hated that you had to eat in your car (Its a fastfood DRIVE IN!)

My husband says nothing. Offers complaints but I say I am not the person to be talking to this about. Says why worry about something I cant change. So I should have to suck it up and be excluded own home? Rock a d hard palce. 4 more days...

Grandchildren / MILs favorites
« on: February 23, 2015, 07:36:41 PM »
Our daughter is 9. Obviously as her parents we think she rocks! Great in school, kind, awesome big sister, involved in a lot of extracurricular activities. That all being said....
MIL (my husband-father of my kids-mom) favors her daughters children. They are older than our kids. SiL is favorite child. MIL sees her kids way more- we live far away. My MIL is an excellent grandmother to those kids.

My problem: our daughter has noticed. MIL talks to my kids incessantly about their cousins. My child is now avoiding speaking to her grandmother because "all she does is brag about the other kids". I have tried to talk to our dd about how grandma sees them more but frankly, it is the most annoying thing on earth! On the rare occassions we talk she sometimes doesnt even inquire about our kids before launching into the greatness of Sis inlaws children. And dont get me wrong, they ARE great kids. However, any topic is just a launching pad back to the cousins.

Not sure what to do. What do I tell my child? We have an upcoming visit where MIL will be staying w us for a wk or 2 (in the past mil has spent more time on the phone w sis & her kids when visiting us then interacting w our kids).

As you can see I have my own issues w MIL and have played w the idea of telling her how my daughter feels.  But wonder if she would really hear my childs feelings or just put it on me, given our lack of a relationship. I feelnas I have tried but given up due to this situation.

My husband wants to stick his head in the sand even though I told him what our dd said. Is this the best course of action? How could anything possibly change if we dont tell her? What happens if our dd tells ber directly- I fear she will deny it to our dd. 

Sorry to be rambling. Just spinning my wheels.

Daughter in Laws and/or Son in Laws / been awhile but back again
« on: July 23, 2014, 08:50:13 AM »
Its been awhile since I have been here. I have been trying to take things less personally and step out of the way between my husband and our children and his family. They pretty much ignore me unless they need something from me.  Our annual visit is fast approaching and my stress in increasing concurrently. We are travelling across the country (airline ticets rent a car) and will see her for 5 days total. This is the only time she will see our kids, ages 8 & 3,  this year.   
My motherinlaw just called me because I responded to a group text that she couldnt read. Anyway, seems like every other word out of her mouth was negative towards me am *I* going to want to do anything this year (emphasis on me and do, said with a negative tone of voice since we didnt want to drag all over last year due to having a toddler and some depression as my fil was diag w cancer). I responded I wasnt sure was MY HUSBAND had planned but that he had mentioned x and y. She mentioned the zoo and again, referred her back to her son's plans. Then she toldnme that she is watching his cousins baby one of the days (from 8am til 4) while we are there. Struggling with my feelings over this. Sure just cause we are visiting the world doesnt stop. Nice for the cousin she can help her out. MIL doesnt even call our kids. Now my kids should be second to the baby? Angry and angry at myself  for feeling this way.  Just want to schedule a hunch of stuff to do without her and use her for dinner and hotel.

Struggling with my feelings. Brings up whole history of being second fiddle to dhs sisters kids and now cousins kids take precedence? Please give me some advise. I know I have the  responsibility of my reactions but please be gentlr with me... I feel guilty enough.

Daughter in Laws and/or Son in Laws / Why do I care MIL visiting
« on: March 16, 2014, 05:14:24 AM »
Mil is visiting with her husband. Within 5 mins of being here  already going on and on about the golden grandchildren.  This is the first they have been to see us in 2yrs (we visited them prior).  MIL always making negative comments about my kids to me.  Everything from how whiny my 8yr old was when she cut herself and needed to get  stitches to how she was having difficulty picking up dance steps at her class. Then to my child anything she says oh your are just like 10yr older golden granddaughter she plays piano, likes bread, whatever. Then shares her fb page with my 8yr old, naming all her cousins (actually they were my husbands cousins cousins from the other side of their family? ) Her oldest grandson is studying abroad and she is trying to share all his pictures with our kids.  Taking random pictures of our kids and us unexpectedly on her cell phone/tablet (like Im returning to a table after using the restroom at a restaurant and flash goes off at me as I approach?) Going through pics on her cell phone naming all them to our 2 yr old? None of these people, including MIL ever contact us, they call my husband occasionally on his cell phone (maybe once a month) but never call our home or talk to our kids. 
I as frustrated. Been trying to step aside to give them their time (just found out that they will be here for 17 days and this is day 4... ) but I am like a volcano about to explode. 

Any advise appreciated....

Grab Bag / death drama need guidance on how to handle
« on: October 17, 2013, 10:39:58 PM »
Long, long story. Brief bg: mil and fil divorced some 30 yrs. Never really got on well with either side but able to tolerate and go along for husbands sake. Recently fil diag w terminal illness. He married longtime girlfriend and passed away all within 7wks time.  ILS come together all dh sibs take care of fil in his final days. Gf, now wife not helping. Fil wanting gf to receive his SS death benefits, not realizing the marriage not long enough. Resentments occur while fil is alive on both sides. I can empathize with the wife as my sil tends to run the show and new wife feels cast aside . However, new wife also purchasing numerous things for herself on fils credit cards... things the family finds strange since her husband is about to die. Fils will leaves all to his kids, but widow can stay in house. Widow proceeds to bad mouth the children (my dh and his sibs ) all over facebook, in direct emails to his now deceased fathers siblings, then to fils longtime friends. Its getting really ugly. I block widow on facebook as I frankly cant handle the drama. My child has birthday. My dh opens card from widow to ensure nothing untoward is included. Not sure what to do with the 10 she sent our child. Then widow facebook messages my dhs account on our child's bday and says how much she and my dhs father love our kids. And how she thought I understood her but blocked her so she was so wrong about that too..

Not sure how to proceed. She restricted my dh and his sibs from her fb and that was ok  but since I blocked her she's now the martyr?  I would love to tell her that I have known the real  her since I hear her disparaging me drunk late one night years ago.  Altho I could commiserate regarding the dynamics with my golden sisterinlaw and how the family isn't welcoming to nonblood relatives. To me what she has done to my dh and his siblings in the midst of their dads shocking diagnosis illness and death has been awful. They provided around the clock care as she couldn't handle it. They are maintaining her residence. She wants to keep fils childhood mementos, report cards hs class ring things that were packed in boxes she had never seen nor did she even know him then (met in their 50s). 

A lot of venting here but unsure if I respond to her and her ltr regarding how she thought I understood her. To me what she has done since negated any pity I may have felt for her. Not sure where to go from here.

Grab Bag / in need of advise and support
« on: July 27, 2013, 08:47:21 AM »
W. e just received news of file diagnosis with stage 4 cancer.  With chemo they give him 9mos, 3-4without.  I feel awful for my dh.  We live away from all other family.  Sil lives away from fil but around the rest of the foo.  Both dh and sil are with fil.  Fil decided to marry his longtime gf.  All of fils foo and sils husband and children drove the 20hrs to be there, to see him they weren't getting married at that point.  So essentially entire dhs foo, fils side , is there except for me and our 2 young children.  I feel bad not to be supporting my dh, what the foo will have to say (I have never had a good relationship with any of them). My dh did not want us to fly over for just a day and we are planning to take our girls to see him soon.  I just feel at a loss and unsure how to deal with this.  I am trying to support my husband.  In addition, we have another trip paid for to see my foo, not near fil.  I worry about their perception altho again I have told dh that we can go to see fil instead.  Also I am feeling under enormous pressure home with 2 kids, dealing with all household alone plus an obviously stressed sad dh and then guilty that I am feeling this way.  Not sure how to cope over the long haul with this.  Situation is compounded by the fact that I do not really get along with them all.  Even if I were there I would feel awkwardly out of place since I do not have a loving relationship with fil.  We are polite to one another, that is all. Thank you for listening, just needed a place to get this out. 

Grandchildren / call them fury
« on: July 11, 2013, 01:43:01 AM »
Felt I did the right thing in calling mil to inform her of upcoming surgery for our dd. Mil must have mass emailed dhs family about it!  Not just his siblings but her siblings, all his cousins, people who live across the country that we don't even see.  Of course these people texted and fb msged by dh.  He knew I told his mom but we were unprepared for the onslaught of this.  Needless to say, we were they arguing my husband saying I should have followed his lead and not called her.  Bg: he never told me mot to call her.  He has actually been I'll and I though he would be late and unable to call her. 

I was trembling with fury at mil and dh.  He later said I to myself and that I should have known.  I.spoke with my own mom about it and she was like I can't believe she did that but it's her family mews.  That I should stay out of it.  I want to ask her what gives her the right to tell everyone.  Obviously if we wanted everyone to know WE would have sent out an email.  I am mad at myself for trusting her to keep her trap shut. 

So where do so do from here?  I know some people would think what is the big deal.  On some sense I can understand.  I am a private person and for me it was a big step to trust her with private information.  And this is where I end up.  My mom says if I say anything then I will be painted as the bad guy.  Just don't know what to do.  Even if I do say something to her what's she going tonsqy oh sorry, it was just the family.  Her family which I am excluded.  I feel used and stupid.  Stupid for trusting her and used. me innocently doing something and her twisting it to some drama.  If the family cares so much about us, how come we never talk to any of them?  The whole thing just is a lesson for me.  Told my husband I am done talking to her.  Will not be giving any info, updates, calls, gifts, acrds to his FOo.  His department from now on.

I venting here and being a little nuts but man, it never ceases to amaze me that no good deep goes unpunished.

Grandchildren / call them?
« on: July 10, 2013, 06:37:26 AM »
Our child is having surgery tomorrow for a typical childhood problem.  Am I supposed to notify the inlaws?  My dh spoke to his mom on his birthday a couple weeks ago.  Other than that we haven't spoken to her since we took her on vacation with us.  No contact at all.  Dh has been talking to his dad about his, fileP, poor health condition. Mil and Fil are divorced. 

I am thinking that mil would be hurt if she didn't know so I should just do the right thing and call her.  But I find myself hesitating as to why she has had no contact with us at all.   if she had then she would no.  Then I am feeling guilty because I haven't telephoned her either and I can't expect her to do something I am not doing.  All my family knows because we talk to them and they to us.  My one sil from dhs side knows because we have a relationship and talk every 2-3 wks.  Am I trying to punish dhs too for their lack of relationship with us?  Not intentionally.  I have been struggling with my withdrawl from them recently.  Not an angry withdrawal, just a self preservation thin but wondering if this is an impediment to having a relationship.  In my heart I know that a relationship constitutes us calling them and hearing the family gossip, maybe or maybe not even asking about our kids.  However, any info I do tell them will get added to the family gossip/talk.  Then we'll get fb msgs about how they love our kid so much and hope she feels better love gramma /auntie/cousin....  Yes, all that from people we never talk to unless we initiate it or they need fresh ears for their news. 

I talk myself into and out of calling them... I know I am stressed about the procedure and don't know what to do.  Any advise?  Sorry this is all over the place.

Daughter in Laws and/or Son in Laws / stuck
« on: April 15, 2013, 05:49:18 AM »
In another post shiny wrote about refusing to give brain space to someone when I am not even on their radar (at least that was the just of it).  That struck me as I AM doing this with the ILs and I need to stop but am jot sure how to get there.  I have actually considered wearing a rubber and around my wrist and snapping it whenever I begin to focus there, which is frankly more often than I want to admit.  I may not be outright obsessing about them but I feel caught up in the negativity of our situation, almost like a record player skipping again and again. I want to get to indifference and need a kick in that direction.  I still feel slighted by the lol but not directly angry, more annoyed.  The FIl and his gr I don't even think about.  The gsil has me spun up after distributing pictures of our kids she printed off my fb account to my dhs relatives.  I am being ugly to her thoughts and don't like the person I am being.  But I haven't been able to leave it all behind.  Any suggestions?

Daughter in Laws and/or Son in Laws / it's a small world after all
« on: January 29, 2013, 06:35:47 AM »
I feel I have really been on a healing path lately with my mil.  I have been annoyed but not furious
In general, good.  Last week my husband and I decided on a family vacation to visit the mouse in fl.  He asks if I would like to invite my parents.  It would not be their type of thing to do, both work ft, one owns his own business, both provide elder care for their parent, nor would they want to shell out the $$.  My dh knows this.  Dh grew up visiting disney every other year, mil went with Gail numerous times with her kids.  so dh says since my parents don't want to go, maybe he will invite his mom she probably won't be able to anyway.  I speak my reservations, her health, ggc comparisons, costs.  He says it'll make her feel good to at least be asked.  He specifically told her it was so she could be with our kids and get to know them and that gsil wasn't invited (I was glad he said this since he felt it in his heart, and usually just takes it in)
 They said yes.   THEY WILL BE THERE WITH US THE WHOLE TIME.  I am so full of dread... And just when I felt like I was moving forward.  Mil posted a pic of our kids from like a year and a half ago on fb why??  Now I worry abt what she'll b posting after this vacation... I feel like there will be people there critiquing us then gossiping to dh too how we spend xx or didn't make our 7 yr old go on x ride or whatever.

Pretty much I am spiralling out of control with fears, repeats of past occurrences, etc with the voyeurs into our lives... I need a shakeup, slap down, reality check something to get me to a peaceful place about this.   

What is tlit they say about the road to hell being paved with good intentions?  Help me ladies!!

I am unsure how to stop my descent down the slippery slope into angry with my DH FOO.  My husband recently told me he thinks I am holding a grudge against his family. And according to merriam-webster, I am.  I just cant seem to put myself or my children out there to be potentially hurt (me hurt again, them to be secondbest).  I go through motions of being nice (like sending MIL photos of our kids) but then am annoyed that she emails these things onto GSIL and her entire social group.  We have no relationship with some of these people... so why would we want them to know the intimate details of our lives?  And yet I am the bad person for not doing it or being bothered by it?  Recently MILs sister came to our area and felt free to txt pics of our kids to SIL and MIL... is this her right?  To me a relationship is a 2 way street,  a give and take between people.  We (DH included) do not talk to SIL(not meanly just no relationship) but MIL endlesssly talks about SILs kids (If my daughter 6 likes to color, so does SILs son 11, if ours just got home from dance, SILs daughter, 15 is helping teach dance) Every topic to the Nth degree is a platform for SILs family.  The conversation with us is endlessly about SILs kids accomplishments.... sometimes she doesnt even ask about our kids we're jsut fresh ears for a story about SILs kids.   Its like any tidbit I try to share becomes a lauching point for SILs kids lives.  When I have put our daughter on the phone with MIL she will talk to HER about SILs kids...  is this the basis for a relationship between MIL and our DD, her cousin's?  MIL is a great gma to those kids but I cant imagine the conversation with SILs kids is about ours constantly.     

My DH says just to get over it and stop thinking about it - I wish I could, I am stuck.  I feel like I want his acknowlegement that he could understand why I am feeling this way.  Am I being spiteful because they don't like me?  I know this but I do feel like I try to make an effort, only to give an inch and they take a mile...  at least we don't live nearby.  I try to tell my self they are doing nothing to intentionally hurt my kids so I should just let it go.... and yet here I am  :(

Daughter in Laws and/or Son in Laws / Fair visitation
« on: June 26, 2012, 08:46:47 AM »
Wanted to get outside opinion of fair visitation. 

We live away from both FOOs and will be travelling across country to see them shortly.  DH & I can't seem to agree so we end up going back & forth btwn his familys & mine.  For the 2 wks we will visiting, we will be at his familys for 5 days and my familys for 8.  The reason for the difference is that his just parents visited our home staying for 2 weeks. 

IS THIS FAIR?  Will is be perceived as unfair?  Suggestions appreciated.   

Daughter in Laws and/or Son in Laws / upcoming visit
« on: February 27, 2012, 06:15:32 AM »
I am turning a sour attitude towards my ILs upcoming visit.  We surprised them with an after Christmas visit which went very well (from my point of view).  There was no pressure to suit GSIL, we visited, they paid attention to our kids, it was relaxed for 3 days & we were out of there.  Although MIL has spoken to my DH (her DS) she has not spoken to me or our kids since.  Last light (3 wks from their arrival date) when DH calls MIL she asks to speak to DD. After DD talks she gives the phone to me & MIL speaks about the weather.  OK, polite conversation, noncontroversial.  She did ask about the baby but when I mentioned things about baby I already heard her twisting the words (dd is thin but growing well, Dr not concerned MIL already talking about how "tiny" she is in worried tone).

During the upcoming 2 wks visit, DH will be at wk, one DD will be at school & other DD doesn't yet speak... I am feeling uncomfortable with how this will proceed.  I asked my DH to take time off while they are here.  He said he'll think about it.  There is some rift btwn DH & MIL that has always been an underlying current.  I tell him he uses me as a buffer which he sort-of denies. 

I am starting the slide into panic mode about this visit where generally I feel like the hostess in a b & b.  I will do all my regular routines with my kids they will rise late, go out for lunch never including me, visit every dollar tree in town, lay down to rest just before dd arrives home, will get up just as dinner is being completed & then act like super grandparents for the 1 hr my DH is home while the kids are up.    I build resentment.  I know I can do this for 3 days but 2 wks - culminating with Easter. Really feeling negative, like this visit will be like every other over the past 7yrs...  I know about not having expectations but I already feel myself putting on the old record.  I am trying to think about that nice 3 day visit... I think some of the success of that was due to the limited time.

Help - any way to talk myself down?   

Daughter in Laws and/or Son in Laws / i am lost...
« on: December 15, 2011, 08:10:37 AM »
i am feeling so lost recently... I am unsure where to go from here.  I am feeling so very sad.  I know that my DH family could give or take me.  I feel I am nothing unless they need something my DH isn't doing (info, to twist his arm, etc).  MIL openly speaks poorly about other DIL & all her brother's wives... if you didn't know better you would think these non-bio family members didn't exist. 

I could go on and on about petty twists, digs, thoughtlessness but it seems just that so petty.  I am trying to take the high road but it seems that this means I am left out of the loop when it comes to our DD.  I extend an olive branch & MIL takes the whole tree.  I am trying to cope with not having control but as her parent, shouldn't I have some control?  I am feeling incredible sad & selfish like I am putting my hurt feelings above my daughters relationship with my husbands family.  Although I am sure they love her in their family's way, they make no contact with her throughout the year except at gift giving / holiday time.  We dint want her to associate relatives with presents.  My husband has a strained relationship with his mom and virtually none with his sister (who is the favorite).  So when they (in MY opinion) overstep their bounds, take liberties without consulting us (the parents) I am filled with anger. 

SO between thanksgiving & Christmas there have been numerous incidents but the holiday season will culminate with us visiting (over new years).  I need a mantra to repeat over to calm myself and refocus - I need to accept that nothing they do physically harms my child (there is some emotional baggage, favoritism that deeply bothers me coming from MIL) but I am not sure what to do.  Currently I am infuriated, vent to my DH, and them swallow it.  Its not working for me!!!

I am so sad and tired of this.  I know that *I* have to change. I want to. I want to release this burden... I cant handle feeling this way and yet so far I have not been able to let it go.  I understand the concept but cant seem to put it into practice...     

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