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"Welcome to WiseWomenUnite.com -- When adult children marry and leave home, life can sometimes get more complex instead of simpler.  Being a mother-in-law or daughter-in-law can be tough.  How do we extend love and support to our mothers-in-law, adult children, daughters-in-law, sons-in-law, and grandchildren without interfering?  What do we do when there are communication problems?  How can we ask for help when we need it without being a burden?  And how do our family members feel about these issues?  We invite you to join our free forum, read some posts... and when you're ready...share your challenges and wisdom."

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Topics - Pooh

Grab Bag / My Life Now
December 01, 2015, 09:02:51 am
Good morning Ladies!

I haven't written a post for awhile, so I thought I would just throw it all together!  My life has been kind of a whirlwind lately and things have happened very quickly over the last few weeks.   So I'm just going to write you a list!

1.  I have an autoimmune disease that attacks my left arm muscles and tissues.  Been under control pretty well, but started having issues a few months ago with some additional pain, numbness in my fingers and started dropping things.  Long story short after multiple tests, my ulnar nerve (your funny bone nerve) is being squished in my upper arm.  Probably scar tissue from the disease, and really is just a progression of the tissue damage.  So I'm having surgery tomorrow.  They are going to go in and "unsquish" the nerve.  (Got to love my medical terms!)  So I'll be out of commission for a couple of weeks with one arm, but the good news is:  HUBBY MUST WRAP ALL THE CHRISTMAS PRESENTS THIS YEAR!!   WOOT WOOT!!

2.  YS decided not to reenlist, so they moved back to our area last week (staying with her family) and they are trying to get situated.  Looking for work, housing, etc.  Don't know where they will eventually land, depending on where he finds a job, but I'm excited to get to see the 3 Grandchildren more for now.  Growing like weeds.  Kept them one day and evening and then saw them twice on Thanksgiving.  Once at my DH's family meal and then my YS and DIL cooked Thanksgiving and invited us over that evening to eat.  Ended up going Black Friday shopping with them for hours and had a blast!  Grateful for his years of service...but grateful to not have to worry about him being in harm's way any longer. 

3.  Ran into an old friend while shopping that lived in my old hometown where my OS/DIL live.  Now, I am one of these people that do not advertise family drama, don't post anything on Facebook about family issues, etc.  So for most people, they either think everything is OK or don't pay attention that they never see pics of me and OS any longer.  So, this person (who is an extreme gossip) immediately goes, "Oh my.  Did you hear about DIL's Mom and Dad getting divorced?  Apparently, he had a heart attack (he's always been very overweight) and decided he had to lose tons of weight or was going to die.  So for months he's been dieting and working out and lost over 100 lbs!  So now he wants to go and do things and she got mad at him because she doesn't like him out running around so they are divorcing after all these years!  I guess she will move in with OS/DIL."  I just smiled and said, "I'm sure they will figure out the details, good seeing you!'  I got away quickly.  Oh My!  Well, I hope OS has fun with that!

I'm telling you all this to say this.  I know many are just starting with the issues with your AC, and I know some are still in the middle of dealing with it.  I remember during those times thinking, "I'll never get over this.  I'll never stop crying.  I'll never stop thinking about this."   I wanted you to know that isn't true.  When you get to the place where you decide for yourself that you are the only person that decides your worth, it gets better.  When you get out of the mindset that you are the Mother, and a good Mother would never stop trying with someone she gave birth to...you will get better.  When you figure out that you, and you only are responsible for your happiness and others just choose/or don't choose to be a part of it...you get better.

Everyone's time table is different.  Mine took a few years, but I can honestly say that when someone mentions my OS now, I just redirect and go on.  I don't stew about it.  It truly doesn't cause me sadness any longer.  I couldn't help but laugh thinking about him having to move his MIL in with in!  He's choosing his path...I get to choose mine.

So stay the path Ladies.  Stop beating your heads against the wall and remind yourself that you were a good parent.  You did things to the best of your ability and there is absolutely no shame in that.  Loving a person we gave birth to but not liking the person they have become, is perfectly fine.  Go out and enjoy life, because guess what?  They are.  I can look back now and see how much time I wasted during those years and I have no one to blame but myself.  I promise you, once you make those decisions and start doing things you enjoy and spending time with those that want to spend time with you...it gets better.  And then you can giggle because your Son/Daughter is going to live with his MIL!

I have true confirmation now, that I have healed tremendously in the last couple of years.

First, to summarize my story with OS/DIL, we haven't spoken in almost 3 years now.  They had a daughter two years ago.  Never told us about the pregnancy, the birth...nada.  My "intuition" has always been that DIL and her Mother were behind much of what happened to my relationship with OS.  Now, I blame him as well, as he could have stood up for his family if he wanted to, but I was also around her and her Mother enough to see how controlling they were and that they will lie to get their way.

So, here's what's happened in the last two weeks.  1.  My DH receives a friend request on Facebook from DIL.  Shocked us at first but he wondered out loud if she was trying to reach out finally and he is the more easy-going of the two of us, so maybe she was starting with him.  My take was these exact words (yes, I was extremely pessimistic) "I bet she is trolling our pages and accidentally did it.  I don't see her changing her ways".  He decided he would accept it just to see what happened, plus he said, "I don't ever want them to be able to say we didn't try if she is reaching out.  My answer was, "Go right ahead.  If she didn't mean to, she'll delete you again."

BAM, five minutes after accepting it...she deleted him!  So, guess what?  Yep...I was right.  Which should have made me mad, but it didn't.  It actually got me tickled because that means that she is going to our pages to see what we are doing or what we are saying.  Well hate to disappoint, but I have never put anything on Facebook about the situation.  I don't air dirty laundry on there and hate to disappoint, but we are still having a wonderful life and I hope you enjoy all the pictures of our cruises, spending time with the other GC and having a great time without them!

2. This one is kind of a strange set-up, but it is how it's been.  My Ex had a cousin the same age as us.  Her and I became best friends at age 19 when I joined the family.  We ended up working together for years and we are very much alike.  So we have been friends now for 28 years.  When the divorce happened, her and I made a pact that we wouldn't talk about her family.  She attends all the family get-togethers and I didn't want her to feel like she had to choose sides.  It's worked just fine.  She is very involved with the family and her and I are still best buds. 

So she and I are talking last weekend and she says, "I know we have a pact that we don't talk about it, but I have to tell you what happened at Easter.  We had our normal big Easter gathering.  I'm helping clean up and your DIL comes up, out of the blue, and says, "So, does Pooh ever ask about Granddaughter?"  My friend says, "No.  Because she doesn't put me in the middle and we have an agreement about not discussing family matters."  DIL angrily bursts out "What kind of GM doesn't even ask about her GD?"  My friend, who is a very patient person, tries to be all diplomatic and says, "So if I arrange a meeting, would you come talk to her?"  DIL blurts out, "NO!"  So friend says, "Ok, would you let her come meet GD?"  DIL blurts out, "NO!"  So friend says, "Well, then to answer your question, the type of GM who wouldn't ask about her GD is the type that has been shut out, never told about GD and knows there is no chance by you to talk it out.  So why do you even care if she asks about her?"

DIL stomps off and deletes friend off her Facebook that evening!  Friends exact words to me, "So, we don't talk about it but we have all noticed how controlling she is of OS.  She orders him around like a 4 year old.  We have all made comments that we don't understand what he sees in her or why he tolerates it, but it's his decision and we stay out of it.  I just wanted you to know that you are not the problem.  She obviously has a problem with anyone that doesn't agree with her or do exactly what she wants.  I'm now booted from her too."

Ok.  So I knew this.  It took me a long time to get through my head it wasn't about me.  What was surprising was I didn't get upset over either of these situations this week.  I pretty much found it just a confirmation of my feelings.  This friend is one of the nicest people you would ever meet.  She helps all the family and is a truly great person.  There is no one in 28 years that I have met that doesn't think she is an absolute angel and loves her to bits.  I told her, "Don't take this wrong, but if you have now been booted, I feel much better about it not being just me!"   Then we both just laughed and she said, "I can't wait until the 4th of July!"
Grab Bag / Merry Christmas!
December 23, 2014, 12:25:55 pm
I am going to be off the computer for the rest of the week, so I just wanted to wish everyone a Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukah, or whatever Holiday you celebrate!

Here's to giving ourselves the best present ever....Loving ourselves!
I stumbled across this blog a few days ago and have been reading through it.  There are some wonderful tips, strategies and explanations on different things in here.

Hey guys.  I was fortunate enough to attend the Scleroderma National Conference in Anaheim, California back in July.  Most of you know I have been diagnosed with this disease and have been battling it the last 3 years.  During our opening session, they announced that they have possibly found a cure!  I am so excited!  They are in the process of getting all the paperwork done to start human trials next year.

Why am I sharing this?  Well, the most damaging part of Scleroderma is that is causes fibrosis of the skin and organs.  The discovery they have made is actually the reversal of fibrosis.  They discovered it by total accident (which I find immense humor in).  But the good news for many people is that fibrosis is a major part of many diseases, including the majority of heart attacks.  Many heart attacks are caused because there is fibrosis in the heart.  Then there is pulmonary fibrosis and many others where fibrosis is the main problem.  So in the research for trying to cure Scleroderma, they may have found a cure for much more!

So here is the link to the video they just released where they explained all of this.  It's an hour long but holds so much promise for millions of people!

Grab Bag / Morning Truth
September 03, 2014, 05:31:25 am
I ran across this on Facebook this morning. I think this sums up the revelation it took me years to get to.

Adult Sons and/or Adult Daughters / SD update
August 26, 2014, 11:50:14 am
I haven't spoken about SD in almost two years.  Well that's because we haven't spoken to her since she took off for another state to attend college.  It wasn't about that, it was about her fleeing to this college because of an inappropriate situation with a man.  It's a long story, some of you will remember, but it ended ugly.

Well for the last two months, she's been texting DH.  At first it was slow, now it's more often.  She actually ended up leaving this person after a few months, got a job, sharing an apartment with a couple of other students and making her way.  Am I convinced she has changed?  No way.  Am I happy that she has been communicating with DH.  You bet because he was devastated over the loss of his only daughter.  He knew it had to happen, but he was devastated.

So almost two years later, communication has opened back up.  We talk here about not having false expectations or hopes.  Don't pin your hopes on something that may never happen.  But I wanted to share that sometimes, when left to their own device, they might just realize they messed up.  Hopefully, this will continue and her and my DH can get back to a civil relationship.  Right now, he's being very cautious but I can see how relieved he is when she texts.
Grab Bag / He's here!
April 15, 2014, 11:14:30 am
Baby arrived this morning at a whopping 4lb 13ozs!  Healthy and Mom is doing fine.

My YS is at Fort Hood.  So for a couple of hours, I was a wreck.  He and his family are fine but really brought to the forefront how appreciative I am of my relationship with him.  He's a good man.

Send some extra good thoughts their way this morning, and the families.
Grab Bag / A New Year Story to make you laugh!
January 02, 2014, 07:01:02 am
Ok, so I had to share about my GS's birthday party, to give everyone a laugh, and it truly put a perspective we say all the time, in the forefront.

So my Ex-MIL from Hades and Ex-FIL (that I like) were invited.  They are my GS's other Great-Grandparents.  YS had asked me beforehand if I minded if they invited them and I told him it was fine.  They were always good to my Sons and it was their party, not mine.

So here you have in the room a line-up of guests from my side.  Me and my new DH, My Mother and SF (who is my Daddy), my biological Father and my SM (whom I love her to death and so does my Mother), My Ex-MIL and Ex-FIL.  Can you say "Awkwardddddddddd".

So me and DH had kept GS so DIL and YS could go early and do things like pick up the cake, start decorating, etc.  We brought him down early to help them and who were the first guests to arrive early?  Ex-MIL/Ex-FIL.   I kid you not.  She had been there two minutes and started in on DIL.  "So that video you posted on GS's birthday at that restaurant of the staff singing to him?  Why didn't you get up and shoot from the other side of the table?  We couldn't see his face!  Wait, there isn't any coffee?  It's cold out here today...people will want coffee.  You should always have coffee when the guests are mostly older!  You're blowing up the balloons?  You should have got a helium tank......"

I was on the other side of the room putting tablecloths on, and I could hear her and see the look on my DIL's face.  I could tell she was doing everything in the world to keep her composure.  It was like I was standing there, watching from above, myself and MIL 25 years ago!  I wanted so badly to go over and confront her and tell her to lay off, but I also knew that DIL is an adult and is going to have to figure out how to deal with her as she's now stuck with her, not me.

So DIL comes and gets me about five minutes later, hissing at me, "Will you go with me to pick up the pizzas?"  I did and she unleashed on me in the car all the way there about Ex-MIL.  I told her that I totally understood and that I really wanted to come over there and jump in her face, but that I no longer had to deal with her any longer and now DIL was going to have to figure out how to.  Then I finished it with, "I look like a great MIL now huh?"  She laughed and said, "I'm gonna kiss your feet!"

This went on the entire party.  Ex-MIL was constantly saying something.  She made a total butt out of herself in front of everyone.  I kept watching my Mother and could just see the eye-rolls.  Finally, at almost the end, Ex-MIL said something in earshot of my Mother.  She said, "Oh I wish your Dad could have come.  He would have loved to have seen GS!  He looks just like him."  My Mother....my Mother....says as loud as she possibly can, "Really?  I actually think he favors Pooh's DH...you know....my favorite ever Son-In-Law that treats everyone so nicely!"

My mouth dropped and I had to run off into the kitchen because I was laughing so hard!  Ex-Mil just sat there, glaring at my Mother and my Mother just continued on her conversation she was having with the other people at the table.  Ex-MIL said nothing the rest of the party.  Then, as she's leaving, she stops at my DH, and says (changing his name), "Well Mark, it was soooo nice to see you."  Knowing good and well his name is Mike, he replies, "It's Mike."  She says, "Oh Mark, it's what?" her voice dripping with sarcasm.  DH goes, "It's Mike,  MMMMMMM-IIIIIIIII-KKKKKK-EEEEEEE".  She repeats it just like he had said it and said, "Oh, did you think you had to do that so I could hear you?"  He says, "No, I thought I had to do it that way to get it through that thick skull of yours!"

OMG!  Ex-FIL grabs her arm and drags her out the door going, "XXXXXXX, can you be any ruder today?"  He was furious at her and turned and shook my DH's hand and told him it was nice to see him.

By this time, I was about on the floor laughing and DH marches up to YS and says, "You know I love you right?  You know I would do anything in the world for you?  But if that woman ever crosses my path again, I will tell her what I think of her with every fiber of my being!"  YS just kind of grinned and said, "I know."  Then as soon as we were leaving and in the car, DH turns to me and says, "Ok, I know you told me how bad she was.  I know you told me how hard it was to deal with her over the years.  It's not that I didn't believe you, but now that I have seen it in person, bless your heart!  You're a better person than me to have put up with that!"

So my moral of the day?  A leopard doesn't change it's spots.  It just redirects them onto the next generation.
Grandchildren / I almost made a big boo-boo unintentially
December 13, 2013, 09:55:43 am
I thought I would share something that I "almost" did.  I'm sharing this because I've never claimed to be without faults and I've made plenty of mistakes in my life.   It was one of those things that I innocently did, and I truly never even thought about it.  I wanted to show how easy it is sometimes for us as MILs to do something, with no ulterior motive in sight, only to figure out that we did something we shouldn't have. 

It's always been "my job" at Christmas to fill the stockings for everyone.  I say job, but it's something I love to do for everyone.  I still get up in the middle of the night, and sneak down and placed small, wrapped gifts in everyone's stockings from Santa.  Even last year, I filled DH's, YS's and DIL's.  (DH will fill mine).  It literally is just tradition. 

So I'm wrapping stocking things last night, while no one was home, knowing YS/DIL and GS will be here next week, so I needed to get them done and hid.  I wrap DH's, then YS's, then DIL's and then I start to wrap GS's.....uh oh.  It hit me while I was wrapping the 3rd one....oooh....you shouldn't have done that.  I bet Mommy will want to fill his stocking this year, his first real Christmas!  ARRRRGGGGGG.  Ooooh....Mommy may even want to do YS's, and YS may want to do Mommys!

So, I finished wrapping GS's stuff and then I put all of them up.  I realized that just because I have always done it, doesn't mean I should have.  When I bought the stuff, it was purely out of habit and I never even thought about that DIL probably wanted to do that for her Son.   I'll get with YS next week and make sure he is going to take care of DIL's and I'm sure he'll know about GS's (they do things together).  Seriously, YS is generous with DIL, but many times, he doesn't think of these things as far as something like DIL's stocking, so I'll double-check with him just to make sure he is going to do it.  I'm hoping that DIL brings up GS's and YS's stocking because I don't want to ask her and make her feel like I didn't think she was going to.

I just wanted to share this because it served as a reminder to me, that as MILs, DILs, GPs, Parents, Brothers, Sisters, whatever the title....we do things without thinking sometimes and really don't mean to hurt anyone's feelings.
Grab Bag / Happy Thanksgiving!
November 26, 2013, 06:55:12 am
Because I am having yet another procedure tomorrow (Raspberries!) and a full schedule for the next few days after, I wanted to take the time and wish everyone a very happy Thanksgiving!

I appreciate everyone here and although we all are going through similar issues, I have much to be thankful for.  That's what this holiday is about to me.  Not my worries, stresses or bad things, but a season to remember that no matter what, life is a blessing and is to be cherished. 

My wish for all of you is that you remember, no matter what life hands you, you are not defined by people or circumstances. 
Grab Bag / TPBM Game
September 23, 2013, 11:31:27 am
Since it's been so quiet in here lately (which I see as a good thing :)) I thought I would give us a game to play as a way to find out some interesting facts about each other.

It's called, "The Person Below Me".  All you have to do is answer the question posed by the person above you and then add a question of your own.

For Example:  I might start with: What is your favorite movie?  You answer: "Titanic" and then under that ask another question like "What is your favorite color?"

Hope that made sense.

I'll start it with.....

What is your favorite season of the year?
Grab Bag / In honor of college football..... :)
August 30, 2013, 12:24:44 pm
Since college football started back last night and gets into full swing this weekend.....I thought this was appropriate for today and YES, I am blonde! Ha ha...

A guy decides to bring his new blonde girlfriend to a football game. After the game is over, he asks her if she liked the game.

She replies: "Oh it was great, I loved watching those men in tight clothes, but there is one thing I don't understand."

"What did you not understand ?"

The blonde says: "Well, at the beginning of the game, both teams flipped a quarter and one team got it. Then the rest of the game everybody was yelling get the quarter back, get the quarter back, get the quarter back.

So I thought to myself, all this fuss over twenty-five cents......
Grandchildren / Another Grandbaby on the way :)
August 19, 2013, 08:22:25 am
Well I got good news yesterday.  My YS/DIL that I get along with (military) are expecting again.  GS is only 8 months old, so they will be really close in age.  My YS pointed out to me that it would be the same age difference as him and his bother...what's that....apple falling not far from the tree thing?

I'm very excited for them but of course worried for her as to all her medical issues last time taking it's toll on the pregnancy.  Of course DH said, "Well, I guess we better start turning the office into a GS room, cause you know he's scheduled to go back out on deployment one more time!"  Ha ha.....poor DH, he's such a good fellow.
Daughter in Laws and/or Son in Laws / Bummed
March 18, 2013, 06:29:14 am
Sorry guys, I'm a little scarce right now.  The day has come that I have been dreading.  The movers are at my house as I type.  I'm very proud and happy for DIL, YS and GS for being able to start their lives finally.  DIL and GS are headed out today to get their new apartment in order.  Movers are packing their stuff and then she will head out this morning when they finish.  We've been working all last week getting her ready, shopping for essentials and getting paperwork in order.

Such mixed emotions.  I'm very happy for them but going to miss them like crazy.  Going through the entire pregnancy and then having GS with us for the last 3 months has been wonderful and it's going to be so strange not to wake up and smootch him.  So, I'm having a pity party this morning.  It helps to know they will all be back in June for a month and we have Skype. 
Grandchildren / Happy Holidays
December 20, 2012, 12:36:30 pm
Hi everyone.  I know I have been very scarce for the last couple of months, but there have been some major things going on in my life.  Work has just been downright crazy and keeping me totally bogged down.  My Dad is getting ready to undergo some treatment for colon cancer and the main thing is that DIL has had some problems the last few weeks with the pregnancy.  Between all of that, I just haven't found much time to post.  I have been reading when I can and trying to keep up with all of you.

Ok, sooooo....FDIL is now DIL.  We had some semi-scary news about a month ago that there was some issues.  With some careful monitoring and many, many doctor appointments, my grandson arrived two days ago.  He is healthy but little.  They knew he would have to come early, but we've been holding him in as long as possible.  The decision was made to go ahead and take him two days ago.  Both him and Mom are perfectly fine.  Because of what was going on, we were able to send an emergency message through the proper channels and get YS home early.  So we went ahead and did a small ceremony last week when he got here and he made it for the birth.

My Dad was doing a routine checkup and they discovered several polyps on his colon.  They removed them, but one larger one did come back cancer.  So he has an appointment with a specialist Friday after Christmas to go from there.  He's ok, and they said they have caught it early so we expect everything to be just fine.

So I have just been super busy.  Other than that, everything is great and I feel very blessed that GS was able to stay in until he was healthy enough to make his appearance.  I'm already smitten and it was the best Christmas present one could ask for.

It has really put my life in perspective right now and the combination of being scared for GS and Dad has really opened my eyes to letting go of everything else. 

I wanted to wish all of you the best of holiday seasons and challenge you to take a good look around you for the blessings in your life.  There are plenty of them to be found, they just get pushed behind the bad stuff many times.  My challenge is for you to pull them back to the front and let the bad things fall behind.  I promise if you do that, the good things will so overpower the bad stuff that you will not even be able to see it any longer.

Miss you guys!