"Welcome to WiseWomenUnite.com -- When adult children marry and leave home, life can sometimes get more complex instead of simpler. Being a mother-in-law or daughter-in-law can be tough. How do we extend love and support to our mothers-in-law, adult children, daughters-in-law, sons-in-law, and grandchildren without interfering? What do we do when there are communication problems? How can we ask for help when we need it without being a burden? And how do our family members feel about these issues? We invite you to join our free forum, read some posts... and when you're ready...share your challenges and wisdom."
From Jools: I too have the same DIL situation. My son goes along with whatever she does & his family are alienated because he will not stand his ground. Its all about her family. She is a Narcissist & she has over the past 10 years driven a wedge through our once tight knit family. My daughter has suffered abuse from my DIL at the tender age of 14 when we went on holiday with my Son & DIL.[/size]My daughter never speaks to my son & she has been isolated from him by DIL.I have 2 Grandchildren from her & was told before the first was born that if I didn't apologise for telling her off about the abuse she did to my daughter I would never see my Grandchild. Both my husband & myself spoke to my son & told him that if that was what he wanted then so be it. We have been allowed into our Grandys lives but there are constant abusive things that DIL does to us. They come home to visit her family & stay with them & we get a few rushed hours to see the kids. We are always treated as the low life side of the family & get dished up left overs. It will not change. We will not however tolerate abuse so we only communicate thru our son to see, skype or call our Grandys. Its a very sad situation & I have no answers.I find myself wishing that one day my son will see what she is & will leave with the kids.She is truly the most spiteful nasty person I have ever encountered. Jools
I've been thinking on New Years Ever of what I am grateful for that 2017 brought to me. I choose to stay where I am and not move into Seattle after being on the waiting list for a 12 months and making it to the top. A new cardiologist surfaced in my life, he is Kirk's doctor and finally I am on the meds I need for my heart and feel so much better. I made it through the first year without my beloved Paul and his daughter became part of my 'clan'. I had my 90th birthday and chose to stay at home with said clan, my son and seven heart-daughters. It was a fabulous party. Two, new, outstanding moderators joined me on Wise Women Unite to back me up and be ready to take over when needed. And I have continued to find aging to be an adventure...bringing its own variety of expansion.
To all of you, have a great holiday season! Mine involves a Christmas dinner that my DIL, who lives 50 miles from here, is preparing and bringing up to me at the Warm Beach Retirement Center on Christmas Day. I tire when going out, so she is bringing dinner to me...home cooked! I have a neighbor who was going to be alone on Christmas, so she is coming over to join us. And of course my beloved son, our Webmaster, Kirk, will be here, too! I would love to hear what each of you has planned, if you have time off from work. We are such a diverse group that there's probably a lot to share. Holiday Hugs to All!
Note: Our Website has been less active due to Google and the way they manage content. Kirk, our Webmaster, has checked into it and has, of course, no control over Google. The lack of activity on our Website is due to Google changing our page count. It's not our own software but a trend involving our Internet server. Let's just keep going on our own, OK?
We have two new Global Moderators on WWU! Please help me welcome Bamboo2 and StillLearning! They have taken on the task with open hearts...and Pen and I are deeply grateful!
We started out with four Global Moderators in, was it 2009, Pen? We soon lost Pam to a serious illness, and Pooh moved on recently. I feels so good to be back to a full crew! Thanks from the bottom of my heart to both of you!
A 'Global Moderator' is a member granted the same options I have, as the owner and originator of WWU. Of course with that comes an occasional headache but thank heaven, they're willing.
Behind the scenes they will help Kirk, my Webmaster-son, and me do our best to see that WWU runs smoothly and is the safe space you have all come to expect. We are all guided by the Vision Statement in the upper right hand corner of our HomePage and the Forum Agreement.
Thanks to all of you for you contributions and trust. I honor each and every one of you and am so grateful to have you in my life! Love, Luise
There are times when a new member appears, as happened this morning, and this simply is not the venue she needs. It just isn't a fit. One of you alerted me. Thank you! And her account has been deleted. Another of you apologized for setting her off. You didn't, she arrived that way.
It doesn't happen often. I just wanted to thank you all again for the wonderful members you all are and the love and caring you share. Hugs!
I am wondering how many of you are dealing with aging parents. When I was young, (I was born in the 1920s), they were 'taken' in. There were 'County Poor Farms' for derelicts but no retirement centers, assisted living or nursing home facilities.
When my dad was 85 and needed assistance, we went cross country and moved him back here. We had a daylight basement home on a lake and he loved it. He was a very independent man and did well with the isolation of living in a remote spot with a couple that were both gone all day. Eventually, he failed and we found a nursing home for him.
What I learned from that was to not let it happen with my sons when my time comes. When I had my dad here, it was hard on me to know he needed 'more' and hard on him not to ask for it.
How are those of you in similar situations coping?
From Monroe: I'm addressing an old thread about how the expectant couple told his mother about the baby by texting a picture of the pregnancy test results. After that, his mother was chilly to the DIL.
One other factor to consider is whether the grandmother-to-be might think a text announcement is a bit impersonal. And that would be on the son as well as on the DIL. Probably more so on the son since that was the way he wanted to tell his mother.
If I were to receive a text that my son and DIL were expecting, I would find it a very impersonal way to share very special news with me. That would deflate my interest in the event.
Our son did call to tell us when he and our DIL were expecting. We had a nice, personal conversation in which we could share our excitement and tell him how much we loved him. His wife was not on that call. Her choice - of course - but she missed an opportunity to share wonderful news with us and create a bond. The kid is a year old now, and she has yet to mention the pregnancy, the baby, or the significant gift we sent. If I had only her to rely on, I would not yet even know I was a grandmother.
So maybe this grandmother's impersonal attitude is a reflection of the impersonal manner in which her son chose to tell her.
We had a death in the family not too long ago - elderly parent. I received many cards, letters and phone calls, and I deeply appreciated each and every one of them. What I did not appreciate, and was actually offended by, were emails from people expressing sympathy for the loss of my parent. How lame. My parent died, and they couldn't bother to pick up the phone and talk to me personally or send a card or hand-written note. That would be too much trouble. I'm sure it is somewhat of a generational thing with me, but to send a sympathy message electronically really rubbed me the wrong way. I am afraid I would have the same reaction to an electronic notification of my son having a child.
Hi, gang: I don't think the number 89 is very different from 88...but...today is the first day of my 90th year! I find that exciting! I would have posted earlier but I haven't had a free moment until now. Others must have found it exciting, too. The staff and residents here at my retirement center celebrated with me...my family, extended family and friends celebrated with me...(even those I knew in high school)...and my Facebook friends turned out in droves. Telephone calls came in with people singing Happy Birthday and cards, hugs, flowers, candy, gifts and endless well-wishes came my way. I just got home. My son, our webmaster, and his wife took me out to dinner. I am so grateful to be healthy and happy! WHAT A DAY!
I offer you some things I have learned in the last few years. Children do not like their parents being divorced, it makes their lives more messy. They have two parents to visit on holidays, etc. And if one or both parents are angry at each other and involve the AC in that anger, then it makes the AC lives really chaotic and crazy. I am also divorced and my ex does his best to manipulate the AC to not like me, he is allowed to say hateful things about me, and he plays the pity card to them. They should pity him cause mom dumped him and got remarried and he was alone for so long and mom took half his 401K and left him "penniless" and he doesn't have a good job now, yada yada yada. I also have a couple of mean adult children who are narcissists or worse and feel they are entitled to use people and be ugly if they so choose. They are toxic and best to protect myself from them.
If this is your situation, that your adult children feel they have a right to be mean to you, be hateful, ostracize you, make fun of you, etc., then the problem is beyond just your ex and his depression. It is their toxic behavior that will probably never change. So perhaps looking at this separate from your ex, and see if your AC are nice or mean people in general. I always recommend Life Code by Dr Phil to help see the "truth" of people's behavior.
It sounds like your ex has figured out a way to manipulate everyone and make the AC dance to his tune. He gets a lot of mileage from creating a pity party and making you the bad guy. Yes, I hear he is depressed but he is also spreading his misery to everyone -- this sounds manipulative to me. The AC do not like to be triangulated also -- this means do not ask them how their dad is, they don't want to have us asking. Probably is some guilt and manipulation from him that they do not want to convey to you, that they have internalized, or he is still bashing you and they can't deal with it. I know you mean well. It is triangulation when we put them in the middle by saying ugly things about their other parent or by asking questions about their other parent's lives.
Also, our AC do not want to be our friends, our best friends, generally speaking. They see their parents as parents not friends, as separate not tied together forever. We baby boomer generation parents tend to want our children to be our friends and our social life forever. We forget that we were not so tied to our parents as we got older, as we started to create our own families. Also, Dr. Joshua Coleman says previous generations of parents expected their kids to earn the parents love. Current young people generations think the parents have to earn the kids love. So it has flipped, no longer do they give the parent undying devotion and attention just because of the parents role as parent, unless they get something from it and feel they are treated well by the parent. Does this make sense?
Your AC do not see our new partners as anything other than the man or woman mom or dad is married to/dating/whatever. I realize in some families this is different, and there is more respect and love. So I would say do not expect your AC to ever love your new partner, as long as the AC are polite and respectful. They already have a father and he's a handful. You are their mother, BF is just an outsider. This is how THEY look at it. Just possibly how they see it so you will understand the situation better, not being critical of you at all.
Today is not a Black Friday here in my corner of the Pacific Northwest...it's sunny! (Yes, I know it's not about the weather but that might make more sense!)
What I want to share is it's Thanksgiving Day, again!, for me this morning because that's what I do when I wake up. I snuggle down in my cozy cocoon for a bit and start every day by going over what I'm thankful for. As most of you know, I'm 88 years old, so the list is pretty long! It's not a mantra...it's always different...because life is always unfolding. We can't focus on two things at one time...so the 'other' list, which we all have also, gets no attention.
This morning my gratitude was about how supportive my family was when I decided not to go to the Gathering of the Clan, held every year at the home of my eldest son's widow's home. It's approximately a two hour drive round trip, two hours of visiting before we eat and two more afterward. Wonderful but/and I just don't have the energy any longer to do that kind of social marathon. My son, Kirk...our beloved Webmaster here, would be happy to take me late and leave early. However, the kid in me can't do that...I might miss something!
What I actually did was to go to the lovely spread put on for us here at my retirement center. I walked to the main building with my wonderful neighbors...stayed for an hour and a half...and walked back. That was followed by a two-hour nap! It tired me out!
I love you all. You're right at the top of my list!