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"Welcome to WiseWomenUnite.com -- When adult children marry and leave home, life can sometimes get more complex instead of simpler.  Being a mother-in-law or daughter-in-law can be tough.  How do we extend love and support to our mothers-in-law, adult children, daughters-in-law, sons-in-law, and grandchildren without interfering?  What do we do when there are communication problems?  How can we ask for help when we need it without being a burden?  And how do our family members feel about these issues?  We invite you to join our free forum, read some posts... and when you're ready...share your challenges and wisdom."


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Topics - SCW

1
Adult Sons and/or Adult Daughters / It makes me Sad
August 20, 2012, 08:13:42 am
I have been reading here daily.  I have not been posting because I don't know what to say.  I would love to have some wise words of wisdom or soft words of comfort but truth be told, I need those myself.

I have been going crazy trying to keep myself busy in spite of all the physical and emotional pain.  Went to an Eagle Scout Court of Honor this weekend 6 boys.  This is unheard of, for boys who have come up through Scouting.  I also walked with DH and YS in a walk for Autism.  Hubby pushed me in my chair while we went side by side with thousands of other families to raise funds for research. 

It was hard at these events for me, like at most things, to watch the parents with their children, who are so close and nurturing, and loving.  I wonder still how I can "fix" this mess.  I saw the Scouts who hugged their parents, and the parents, so proud of their boys.  I told DH "This makes me so sad"  Missing what I do not have, and still grieving.  I can't avoid these places like a parent who has all grown children.

I was told I need intensive Chronic pain rehab.  3 weeks of 9 hours/day of medical treatment, for all of the issues related to my pain.  Doc said I am really good at hiding my depression, and my anxiety is through the roof, I may just explode some day.  Even so, I am afraid I will have to face these hidden issues and when they come to the surface, I will fall so deep that I can't come back out of the pit.

I hate being here!  I hate what my love for my AC has done to me! I hate how it is probably affecting my YS and my relationship with the precious 11 year old. I do not know how to deal with this alone, DH is very caring, but not what I need.  I try to hide it all from him, so I do not burden him as well.

I have cut off facebook, texting, writing, everything with them.  I feel like an alien when I think about their world, their babies, what they may be doing.  I know I must be indifferent with them, when I see them...which is not often.  Where can I find happiness?  How do I get to peace?  I know it will come in tiny increments, but they are not enough....not yet.

It all just makes me so sad.
2
Hi Everyone,
I'm new but I see I'm so not alone here.

My son text-ed me yesterday and told me off.  I made a comment on Facebook about his beautiful new daughter born just two days ago.  His GF made a comment back that I thought she might have been upset with my comment.  I messaged her and told her I was sorry if i upset her, and I would leave them alone if that's what they wanted.

See this goes way way back, like 12 years.  My children were 13 and 14 and they decided to live with their controlling, deceitful father.  At this point in my life I had been living only for my children.  A very good opportunity came to me that I really could not afford to deny, unfortunately it was a job 200 miles away.   I talked with the kids and they said they wanted to stay in our hometown, with their father.  I was sent court papers to pay a ridiculous amount of support, because he gave the court false information.  I had been remarried about 6 years by this time, so my husband and I made the best of it. 

My daughter would call me whenever she wanted a new $300.00 prom gown, or money for anything.  I fell for it.  I gave them each a large sum of money when my disability came through. My son never called me.  They never wanted to spend weekends with me.  My daughter has been to see me 2 times in 12 years, my son, never.  After paying for her wedding, my daughter officially wrote me off. This was  7 years ago.  My son just yesterday, after the birth of his new daughter, told me off, among other things.

I really think it comes from my leaving.  He said something about when I left a daughter whose relationship was strained and a son who felt alone.  What they do not realize is they were manipulated by their father to live with them.  Why should I not live my life for me? They almost never made a move to see me, in 12 years!

So for my life, I was fired from my job after only two years, but my husband had secured a decent job.  We were foster parents for about 6 years, and got to adopt our new son ( I think the others are jealous of him) I had very serious health problems, including depression, and cancer (none of my children came to see my during this struggle)   I continue to have chronic neurological problems.

I have tried to be cordial to my daughter in the past at family functions, both kids are still very close with my family, mother, father, sisters and brother.  I tell them both when I see them I am proud of them and I love them very much.  I try to spend a little time with their children, when I can.  They do not say much in public.

Now I feel like I should not even return to my hometown.  I feel like what's the point.  My daughter has won over her brother, their father has won over both of them.  One of my sisters is definitely against me.  I have had a strained relationship with my own parents when I was young, but we are in a good place now.  My youngest sister, whom I never really knew due to the age difference is very loving to me.

How do I handle this?  How do I live each day?  I feel like a failure as a mother.  I feel like I am at a place where I should just write off my entire family unless they come to me.
Help....