I have been going crazy trying to keep myself busy in spite of all the physical and emotional pain. Went to an Eagle Scout Court of Honor this weekend 6 boys. This is unheard of, for boys who have come up through Scouting. I also walked with DH and YS in a walk for Autism. Hubby pushed me in my chair while we went side by side with thousands of other families to raise funds for research.
It was hard at these events for me, like at most things, to watch the parents with their children, who are so close and nurturing, and loving. I wonder still how I can "fix" this mess. I saw the Scouts who hugged their parents, and the parents, so proud of their boys. I told DH "This makes me so sad" Missing what I do not have, and still grieving. I can't avoid these places like a parent who has all grown children.
I was told I need intensive Chronic pain rehab. 3 weeks of 9 hours/day of medical treatment, for all of the issues related to my pain. Doc said I am really good at hiding my depression, and my anxiety is through the roof, I may just explode some day. Even so, I am afraid I will have to face these hidden issues and when they come to the surface, I will fall so deep that I can't come back out of the pit.
I hate being here! I hate what my love for my AC has done to me! I hate how it is probably affecting my YS and my relationship with the precious 11 year old. I do not know how to deal with this alone, DH is very caring, but not what I need. I try to hide it all from him, so I do not burden him as well.
I have cut off facebook, texting, writing, everything with them. I feel like an alien when I think about their world, their babies, what they may be doing. I know I must be indifferent with them, when I see them...which is not often. Where can I find happiness? How do I get to peace? I know it will come in tiny increments, but they are not enough....not yet.
It all just makes me so sad.