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"Welcome to -- When adult children marry and leave home, life can sometimes get more complex instead of simpler.  Being a mother-in-law or daughter-in-law can be tough.  How do we extend love and support to our mothers-in-law, adult children, daughters-in-law, sons-in-law, and grandchildren without interfering?  What do we do when there are communication problems?  How can we ask for help when we need it without being a burden?  And how do our family members feel about these issues?  We invite you to join our free forum, read some posts... and when you're ready...share your challenges and wisdom."

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Topics - TM

Grandchildren / Internet relationships are so difficult
October 29, 2013, 06:36:18 pm
Hello all, well my life has moved on a lot since our DS was married and we now have a lovely little GS who is 5 mths old.  We visited a few weeks after he was born (we live in different countries) staying in a hotel and doing all we could to make a difficult time for new parents as nice as possible.  It was a good time and we enjoyed as much as we could without being overbearing.  All was well and we returned home with happy memories.
However, what I'm now finding so hard is being closed out of things on the internet (skype)which is the best way of communicating long distance and you can see each other like you were in the same room.  I leave my internet connection open at all times hoping they will 'pop in' when they have a few spare moments to let us see our GS.  Well, it hasn't worked out like that, I wait and wait and sometimes its a month between calls and I have to beg our DS (by SMS on the phone) for a time to have a call as they keep themselves showing as invisible so you dont know when they are on the internet.  Even when I will call at their given time our GS is whisked off by our DIL for any reason like bath time or food basically any excuse to cut short our precious little bit of contact.  I have tried to keep things on an even keel, pretending not to be hurt by this and hoping that it might change some day but its just not happening.  Our DIL is on every day to her own family who also live overseas (DS casually mentioned that) and our DS seems quite happy with the situation?  I find it so hard to accept and just can't understand it.  It's the almost begging ritual that is now wearing me (us) down.  My husband seems to be able to detach himself from it more than I can but it's so unfair and it hurts.
Anyway, I am starting to feel this is too painful to continue and am considering just letting things go silent and leaving it up to them to contact us, which to be honest hasn't worked at all up to now.  The time between calls is as long as I let it go before I relent and ask. I fear It might mean we have to accept a total break and just hope that somehow our son will come to his senses and see what is happening?  I also feel it will be playing right into my DIL's hands as I get the impression that she'd be quite happy if we disappeared never to be heard of again and only her family would be in their lives.
It's so hard I just dont know what to do. I dont want to turn away but what else to do as I cant get my head or heart around why this is happening. It's heartbreaking to be honest.  Help, I could sure do with some words of wisdom :(
Working my way through and hoping to make sense of my DS and his estrangement.  After posting on here and receiving support and strength from the amazing women who replied I'd like to hope that i can one day give back to others in the same position.  Also trying to read as much as possible in an attempt to find out what we as parents may have done to cause problems and make things the way they are and just like so many who have been loving, kind and responsible we are groping around in the dark.
I recently came across this amazing book I'm Still Your Mother: How To Get Along With Your Grown Up Children by Jane Adams.  Wonderful and full of wisom for all different scenarios.  Has helped me more than I can say with it's insights and straightforward language.  A must read for anyone in pain.

I also posted this under the helpful resources topic and thought it might reach more people on this topic as well.   Good luck
Helpful Resources / I'm Still Your Mother
April 05, 2012, 07:01:55 pm
I came across the book I'm Still Your Mother: How To Get Along With Your Grown Up Children by Jane Adams.  Wonderful and full of wisom for all different scenarios.  Has helped me more than I can say with it's insights and straightforward language.  A must read for anyone in pain.
Our son recently got married to our lovely new daughter in law who we love and have wecomed into our family.   We all live in different countries at the moment and all gathered in the bride and grooms new homeland for the wedding.  Our son and now wife have holidayed a lot with us and vice versa over the last 4 years or so and all has been well and we have got on brilliantly. 
We met our DIL parents for the first time a week before the wedding.  It wasnt easy as try as we might to be friendly and come all together they made it very clear by their cool behaviour it was not on.  Also, our son was treating his own family like we were just there while falling over himself to make sure they were ok.  It was quite embarrasing for us as we felt like 'guests' and of no real consequence.  Her family would do nothing to get to really know us and did their own thing.  We hosted an evening, cooking a meal for us all inviting them and treating them to our hospitality but to no avail.  It felt like they just wanted the wedding over with as quickly as possible with as little contact with us as possible and away.  Our son would not have any dialogue about it.  It would also appear regarding post wedding plans that the bulk of their time is going to be spent visiting with her parents/family where they live and we will be thrown a few crumbs.
We are totally floored.  We have no idea what on earth we have done to be treated like this.  Its like a bolt from the blue.  We cant believe our son behaved like this and think hes been abducted and replaced by an alien.  Its really bizarre.
I dont know what to do, have searched over and over and there hasnt been any problems nothing would cause something like this.   We have always been a close, loving family.  Please help somebody as we are at a loss.   Is this at all normal?  This is our first family wedding.  We have 3 sons and if this is what happens when they get married we are dreading the rest of our life.