July 09, 2020, 10:46:20 pm


"Welcome to WiseWomenUnite.com -- When adult children marry and leave home, life can sometimes get more complex instead of simpler.  Being a mother-in-law or daughter-in-law can be tough.  How do we extend love and support to our mothers-in-law, adult children, daughters-in-law, sons-in-law, and grandchildren without interfering?  What do we do when there are communication problems?  How can we ask for help when we need it without being a burden?  And how do our family members feel about these issues?  We invite you to join our free forum, read some posts... and when you're ready...share your challenges and wisdom."

Show posts

This section allows you to view all posts made by this member. Note that you can only see posts made in areas you currently have access to.

Topics - NewMama

Daughter in Laws and/or Son in Laws / I'm stuck lately...
November 05, 2012, 10:15:13 am
I felt like I had been doing a good job of detaching from my MIL and being ok with choosing not to confront her, for the sake of DH and DS not being in the middle. Lately though, I find myself getting very stuck in being frustrated and angry at her. I had hoped things might be getting better by now, but they only seem to be getting worse. Her jealousy towards anyone in DS's life is getting worse, and the passive-aggressiveness is getting way, way worse. Part of me wants to say something to DH, but she puts on a totally different act when he's around or listening, so I figure he'd just think I was over reacting. I'm dreading what she might do when #2 arrives in the spring - DH hates going anywhere with DS that involves long distance driving, so I know he really won't want to go anywhere with a toddler and a newborn. Which means less time visiting her, which means more blame put on me and more p-a behaviour towards me. He cancelled Thanksgiving on her last minute and of course I got stuck with the snarky comments about it. I feel like I'm very stuck in this circle of what-ifs and anger at the moment. Sprinkled with some pregnancy hormones on top.

I've been thinking about getting an ornament for my mom for Christmas, there's a local lady who does beautiful hand painted ones that she'll customize with names and such. If I come home with a grandmother one for my mom, DH will wonder why I didn't get one for his mom too. And I feel like I should for the sake of DH, but last time I went out of my way for her (her b-day) she repaid me by starting to schedule visits for when she believed I wouldn't be around. And boy was she not happy when it turned out I was actually around. I don't want to go out of my way and expense to do something nice for her at the moment, but I feel like I'm being petty if I don't and I should for DH and to at least say I'm trying.
A few months ago I found WWU when I was stuck in an unpleasant situation with my MIL. The ladies here gave me some good advice, and a few days after I made my first post, I had an ok visit with MIL (only a couple snarky comments, not a constant stream of them). I thought things were looking up but they came crashing back down afterwards. There was a lot of drama surrounding DS's first birthday, leading to a huge fight between DH and I over MIL, and he agreed to talk to her.

Her birthday is this week, so DH had arranged a visit to their summer place last weekend, but forgot that I had told him any day but Sunday (Long weekend, and DS had photos booked on Sunday). He put off calling to reschedule til the last minute and MIL's BF doesn't allow for last minute/spur of the moment anything. He's very regimented. So we couldn't go Sat and they would be in transit Mon. I suggested DH invite them to stop in Mon during their travel, but he said no. I nearly had a panic attack thinking I was going to get the blame for all of it, especially since she's been critical of having DS's photos done in the past. Thankfully MIL called and asked if they could stop in Mon.

A lot of people (not here on WWU!!) have encouraged me to be mean back to her, cut her off, etc but I figured I should just be the bigger person here. I went out and got a bunch of birthday decorations and balloons, wrapped the presents DH picked out, and hand made her a card with DS's handprint. She was very appreciative of all of it, and never said ONE snarky thing, even when the subject turned to topics she's been very critical of in the past. She was so happy about the card she said was going to frame it.

I really hope we're headed in the right direction here. It's easier to have visits when they're at their summer place, so maybe that'll help as well.
Would you rather not hear about time spent with your child spends with their inlaws (or grandchildren with other grandparents)? Especially mothers with DSs?

My husband and I are disagreeing about something related to sharing info like that. I'm a long way from being a MIL, so I was wondering about your opinions, ladies. 
Daughter in Laws and/or Son in Laws / Mooching FIL
March 27, 2012, 08:07:44 am
I don't see too many FIL posts, but I was hoping you smart ladies could help me figure out what to say to my DH. Making off the cuff remarks is not my forte and I'm afraid I'm going to say the wrong thing. It's been an emotionally volatile month for me, my beloved GF passed away and I'm anxious about going back to work so I'm really afraid I'm going to handle this wrong (or I'm blowing it out of proportion).

I don't know my FIL very well, DH was always very strange about me meeting him (we had dated for 5 years before I met him). I met him twice before we got married, and have seen him a handful of times since then. When we would visit the city FIL lived in DH usually refused to tell him that we were there. I do know he constantly complains to DH about being broke, and has held a couple minimum wage jobs since I've known DH. He is over 70 and used to be a banker, and I don't know the circumstances behind him losing that job but he did and has held odd jobs ever since. Half his pension goes to MIL (they're legally separated) and he lost a lot of money in the stock market so his retirement savings took a hit. He doesn't have a lot of money, and he doesn't have the kind of money he thought he would in retirement. That being said, he just returned from his 3rd trip to the Caribbean in as many years, spends every weekend at flea markets and yard sales buying stuff (which he says he's going to sell but rarely does), and manages to wine and dine his GF. He also seems very entitled to other people's money - his brother and SIL recently came into a large inheritance from her family and he's angry because he feels they should just give him some of it. He also made a big deal about us getting a new TV (paid for using points) so DH felt bad for him and used his points to get him a gift card so he could get a new TV. He never used the card and wasn't planning on getting a TV, so when our laptop died, DH asked for the card if he wasn't going to use it. He wouldn't give it back unless we gave him cash for it.

We live in province A, FIL lives in province B (a 4 hr drive from here) and DH's cousin is getting married in province C in July. We're spending the wedding weekend in a cottage with a 3 night minimum stay (in peak tourist season, aka not cheap). FIL asked DH to book him a cottage as well, so both cottages are reserved under my DH's credit card. Here's where the problem started, a few years ago: he invites himself to visit us (ie I'm coming this weekend - no I'd like to come visit, can we work out a time), and says he's going to stay with us, knowing full well that we A) don't have somewhere for him to sleep, and B) DH will then book and pay for a hotel room for him to stay in. I found this somewhat annoying before, but we do ok so I never said much about it. He has no trouble booking and paying for his own hotel when he's going somewhere with his gf.

This issue now is I'm going back to work part time (so less $$) and now we have to pay for daycare (more bills).  Paying for this cottage is tight for us, and paying for two is not do-able without taking on credit card debt (which we're very careful about). DH is already talking about paying for FIL's cottage because FIL says he can't afford it. If FIL leaves the cottage without paying, they have DH's credit card. He told DH how much his latest Caribbean trip cost and it's was definitely more than the cost of this cottage for the weekend. I feel that if he chose to go down south instead of going to his niece's wedding, that's not our problem. If he couldn't afford the trip south and went anyways, I think that's poor money management on his part (which according to DH, he has a history of) and we shouldn't be on the hook for that either.

Am I being petty for not wanting to pay for this? Should I tell DH we're not or just let it go?
Hi, I was hoping to get some advice about my MIL. I'm interested in what some of you can help me understand from her side and what I can do.

I thought I had a great relationship with my MIL - my husband and I dated for 7 years before we married, and currently have been married for 2 yrs. We recently had our first child 10 months ago. DH is an only child, and his mom lives an hour away from us. Up until about 4-5 months ago I had no issues (I thought) with her at all. She was always very respectful of our relationship, during wedding planning she would always say "whatever you two feel is best, etc" and was never critical or rude. I honestly didn't think she even had it in her to be like that. My mother lives about a 5 minute walk from our house, and both my parents and ILs are divorced.

In November (my son was 6 mo) it seems like she did a total 180 and now picks apart every little thing I do, right down to the spoons I use to feed my baby. She's obsessed with how much time my mother spends with my son, and how my son reacts to my mom. My son doesn't always react well to my MIL, she frets and hovers over him constantly, despite us assuring her he's fine she'll prevent him from playing with certain toys, rolling around on the floor or sitting up.  He frequently ends up in tears because she's hindering his movements.  She's criticizing decisions she was previously supportive of, ie we use cloth diapers to save money, which initially she said was great, now it's supposedly going to make him bow-legged and she doesn't know how he can stand wearing them. I made a point of trying to make sure she felt included during my pregnancy and initially when my son was born, because my husband is an only child and we do live an hour away. She was the first person I ever let bottle feed my son besides my husband (he's breastfed), I frequently suggested to DH to invite them over or that we should go visit those first few months. I printed lots of pictures for her (I don't even do that for my own mother).

I'm not sure exactly what started all this, but here's my theory: Halloween weekend we were supposed to go visit but had a snowstorm. The highway to the city were she lives is notoriously dangerous so if there's any remotely bad weather we don't go. We told her we'd reschedule and she assumed it was going to be the next weekend. However DH told her that'd we'd be up the weekend after that because he was away on business, didn't get in til 2am Saturday morning and was exhausted and the next day was my mom's birthday breakfast. The comments towards me started with at the beginning of that visit, and really intensified when I asked her not to feed my son ice cream (with frozen chunks of chocolate and peanut butter) and DH backed me up when she turned to him for permission to feed it to him. That was the first time we'd ever gotten into a situation like that, and the snarky comments have been coming fast and furious ever since. All mostly out of earshot of DH. She's picked on his diapers, clothes, spoons, food (she yanked his food out of my hand one day), how he sleeps, told me I couldn't go check on him when he was crying, breastfeeding (which she also was previously supportive of), his carseat, where I sit in the car, my going back to work, his toys, how I cut his toenails etc. You name it. After the first visit where she acted like that I think my mouth was hanging open the whole drive home. I could not believe it.

I never used to bat an eye when we visited with her, but now every time one is coming up my stomach is in knots and I can't sleep. Do I say something to my husband? Do I wait her out and hope she comes to her senses whenever she's over what's made her upset in the first place? I ignore the snarky comments and try to be polite as possible, but I'm wearing thin, especially since my return to work is coming up and she's very critical of that.