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"Welcome to WiseWomenUnite.com -- When adult children marry and leave home, life can sometimes get more complex instead of simpler.  Being a mother-in-law or daughter-in-law can be tough.  How do we extend love and support to our mothers-in-law, adult children, daughters-in-law, sons-in-law, and grandchildren without interfering?  What do we do when there are communication problems?  How can we ask for help when we need it without being a burden?  And how do our family members feel about these issues?  We invite you to join our free forum, read some posts... and when you're ready...share your challenges and wisdom."


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Topics - constantmargaret

1
Hi ladies,
I have been away from this site for some time. I came here originally when my 17 year old son estranged from me. After a year of obsessing about the estrangement and reading here every day, I decided that I should probably try to kick the habit and start living life. I want to update you now because you all were so wonderful to me when I was down and out.

The situation with my son resolved on Easter. I unexpectedly ran into him at his brother's, and nobody was more shocked than I when he approached me with a hug and an apology. He also apologized to my husband. I have since seen him 4 times. He took me out to brunch on Mother's Day, and he invited me to see him and his girlfriend at her prom. Hopefully we can continue to leave what I think was parental alienation behind us and move closer as mother and son. However, if we don't, I know I will be sad, but ok.

Part of me didn't want to come back here. It pains me to see so many good people here hurting. I will never forget that agony. But I need to thank you for the good advice you gave me and for just getting what I was going through. I can't tell you how much it helped me. The best advice I got here was when I was desperate to tell my son why he was wrong to believe the lies his father told him and wrote a long letter explaining it all. The overwhelming response was, "Don't send it." I read that letter the other day, and I cringe thinking I nearly sent it. It would have been like pouring gasoline on a bonfire.

I am glad I did not chase my son. He said he didn't want to see me and with your support, I gave him what he wanted. I feel like that may have helped him to see me as a person with feelings rather than just Mom who will always be there no matter how much I abuse her. Maybe it didn't help him, I don't know. What I do know is that not chasing him and letting him go helped me. Whether or not he and I had ever reconciled, it is what I needed to do for me. This was a wonderful place for me to get my head screwed on. You guys helped me take back my self respect. Thank you. I sincerely hope every one of you gets the outcome you desire and deserve.

2
I have 6 kids. I have mostly good relationships with them except for the youngest, who has been brainwashed by his father. We haven't spoken since December and the last letter I got from him ordered me not to contact him. Fair enough.

Problem is, he hates me for reasons that are lies his father told him. All of my other children know what kind of person their father is, but they all tolerate him to keep family peace. 

Recently, a friend of mine saw my son at a graduation party and asked him how's your mom. He told her he didn't speak to me. She said to him, "I heard something about that, and I don't know much about it, but your mom's a great person and an awesome mom, so I hope you get over it." And walked away.

When I heard she did this, from another friend, I was elated. I wrote her and told her she is my hero. Now I'm all torn apart because not one person in my own family is willing to go to bat for me like that. They've all said the same thing...he's just a stupid kid...don't let him ruin your day......he'll come around some day....But all the family events until that some day arrives(if it ever does) are going to be tainted for me. I wish I could just ignore him and his hatred, but I'm simply not hard wired like that.

I find myself not wanting to attend my older son's upcoming wedding, partly because I don't want to subject myself to my arrogant YS and my vile XH, and partly because it seems to me like my other kids are disloyal, or cowardly, or uncaring. If any of my siblings ever treated my mother the way my son has treated me I would tear them to pieces.

I have been toying with the idea of asking my older kids to speak on my behalf to their brother. Nobody has taken it upon themselves to do so, so would it be foolish to actually ask them as a group if anybody would be willing to step up?

I know it opens another whole can of worms. What if nobody comes forth? Will I then be setting myself up for more hurt? Will they all resent being asked?

My wish would be to have some sort of truce before the wedding, so I don't dread going, but just in typing this out, I see how unlikely that is. It would hurt my son and his fiancee if I skipped the wedding. I'm sure it would be seen as selfishness. But it will hurt me to go. And it would hurt me not to go. You can see I am dizzy from trying to wrap my head around this. I'm also tired of sucking it up at birthdays and graduations.

I guess what I'm asking is--would it be a bad idea to send my 5 older adult children a letter, asking them if they could perhaps talk to their brother about the rift in the family?

I'm feeling like my XH and all my kids are on the other side of the Great Divide, and I am here alone having to go into enemy territory just to attend what should be a happy event. If I knew how to induce acute appendicitis I would do it that day to have a legit excuse for not going.
Would I be wrong to explain just how painful it would be for me to be in the presence of my (I'm sorry this is dramatic) mortal enemy XH and a  child who hates me?

Would it be acceptable to come for the vows and skip the reception?

Would it be wrong to drink heavily before the wedding? 

Would it be wrong to use a stun gun on my X?

Would someone please slap me?
3
My son is graduating High School tomorrow. That is, if he completed all his incompletes I read about in the notices the school sent me. I guess they didn't get the memo that I'm not invited. Don't they know that I don't deserve to go? Yeesh, they should get with the program.

Most days I do ok with all this. My DS is still a kid. But when I drove past the school and saw the announcement that graduation was tomorrow, I admit I got a little sniffley.

Also, I manage to put it (son not speaking to me) out of my head during the day, but I find it's creeping into my dreams. Phooey! I've had several dreams lately about him. As a little kid, as a big kid, as a man in the future.Then I wake up in a sad or foul mood.  It's like this estrangement has a life of its own and there's no place to hide.

Not sure why I'm posting. Just feeling down, I guess. My other kids will all go to the graduation, I suppose. Wonder how my DS will feel knowing I'm not there because he told me not to come. I wonder if anyone else will notice my DS's mother didn't attend his graduation.

Oh well, I'm going to watch my GS tomorrow, so I won't have too much time to feel sorry for myself. I'm being proactive and puling now.

4
I posted a couple months ago about my 17 year old son. We have not been in contact since his hate filled FB letter in December enumerating my maternal sins. 

This is his senior year in High School, and he is my last child of 6. The final spring band concert is tomorrow night, and I have decided to go. I'm not going to try to talk to him or even say hello. I just want to make an appearance, and let him see that I still care about him and want to see him. I want him to see that despite that letter, I still love him.

I am going with no expectations, but I would be a liar if I said I'm going with no hope.  I do have hope. I hope it will make a difference. He is young, and I haven't given up hope yet. But you know what? I'm scared.

Scared of my own kid. Scared of further rejection.  Scared of the looks from teachers and parents who know I have had no contact with my son since December. (I don't even know that anyone knows this...)

Scared of my own hope.




5
Daughter in Laws and/or Son in Laws / Just shut my mouth?
February 11, 2012, 04:34:54 pm
Recently my husband's oldest son got married.  My dilemma is this. I was recently informed by another family member that this girl confided in her that she cannot have children.

Now, I don't know if it's true, because technically it's hearsay. But if it is, I sure feel uncomfortable keeping what I heard from my step-son. My husband feels that it's a non issue and not our place to mention. I will respect his opinion.

I think I'm just touchy because I was cheated on for about a decade. I wish someone would have told me the truth. It stinks to be lied to, and then to make major life decisions based on someone's lies.  I suspect my own baggage is playing a part in this.

Yikes. What would y'all do? Is it ok to just keep my yap shut or should I follow the golden rule and do what I would have done to me? I feel for my hubby's son.
6
Adult Sons and/or Adult Daughters / A long sad saga
February 05, 2012, 08:41:39 pm
 I found you all here when I typed My Son Hates Me into the Google search bar. I have been lurking here for a while, reading all your stories of heartache. I have one too.

A little background. In 1998, I discovered from a midnight phone call that my then husband had been having an affair for the past 10 years. We had 6 kids from age 3 to age 15, at least 4 of which were conceived during this period. Needless to say, I was shocked and devastated. I never had a clue. Fourteen years of marriage ended in that moment, my husband leaving the house with two Hefty bags and one black eye.

From that moment, as I struggled to work and support my children, my bitter XH has done everything imaginable to alienate my children from me and to evade his financial responsibilities for his children. At times he succeeded. Today, as things stand, my five older children and I are all on good terms, although that was not always the case. The latter parts of their teen years were tough, and most of them seemed to need some sort of major blowup in order to separate from me. Now that they have separated and become adults, they have come back to warm relations with me and my new husband. My oldest son recently said, "I was such a jerk then that if I were standing next to myself when I was 16 I would slap myself."

I am writing today because of my youngest son. He is now 17. About a year ago, he decided to go live with his father when my husband and I objected to him smoking in his bedroom. (I don't mean cigarettes either) He was mad at me and refused to speak to me for a few weeks after moving a mile down the street to his father's, but eventually got over it, although he didn't come back to live here. I suspect he gets away with more at dad's.

We recently had another falling out. Or rather, he sent a letter to my facebook mailbox that was beyond nasty, swearing, calling me names, enumerating my faults, laziness and greed. What precipitated it was a court hearing for a modification of child support my XH requested after being threatened by Child Support Services with revocation of license for being sixteen thousand dollars in arrears. At the hearing my XH asked that child support be waived retroactive to the date my son had gone to live with him 8 months prior.  Mind you, there was absolutely nothing preventing him from requesting this hearing the minute he let our son move in, but he decided to procrastinate in typical fashion while child support payments accumulated....The judge said that by law she could not order that unless I agreed to it. I said no. 

I personally I feel that this man will never even scratch the surface of being able to repay me for what he did to my life. Neither financially nor emotionally. If I think about all the things I might have chosen had I not been in that marriage having all those babies with him, I want to scream. If I went into all the things he has done over the past 14 years to try to destroy my spirit I would never stop typing. He hasn't succeeded, but he still tries. Saying no in court that day was my way of saying no to what he did to my life.

My X apparently went home and told his sob story to our son, complete with exaggerations, embellishments and outright falsehoods. My DS in his smoky distorted haze, decided to become his poor father's avenger. Hence, the letter.  His father is the hero, the victim, the taken advantage of, the overworked and downtrodden and I am now officially the gold digging whore and spawn of Satan. I was stunned by his letter, but I know that my DS is just regurgitating what he has been fed. I am not surprised at my XH's tactics.

I never responded to his venomous letter, although at times (like today) I am sorely tempted to. There has been no contact between us at all now in over a month. I see his news feed on FB, primarily using angry foul language and promoting the legalization of marijuana, that's about it. I have mixed feelings about even doing that but I can't bring myself to hide him completely. This way at least I get some news and hold onto the fact that he didn't unfriend me....I'm that pathetic.

Since our estrangement in December, his grandfather died, his grandmother turned 80, I turned 50, his siblings have visited from Arizona, his sister experienced a miscarriage, we had a family Christmas Variety Show and other family gatherings and because of his arrogance and stupidity (and I suspect his other hobby), he has missed out on all these family experiences, the happy and the sad. This year is his senior year in high school and I'm already thinking about his final Band Concert, his Graduation, (if he manages to take care of all his incompletes.....) his brother's upcoming wedding...and all that he will miss, and all that I will miss, and my heart aches. People ask me what he's doing after graduation and rather than say I don't know because he hates me, I say I don't think he's really made up his mind yet. I'm hoping that's true in more than one way.

I guess I'm not looking for answers, although if you have any I'll listen. I kind of know there's nothing I can do to reason with someone looking at the world through a distorted lens, and a teenager at that. I have seen that kids do come around eventually. My other kids all say not to worry, that he's just being stupid. I know they're right. I've been here before. Still, it smarts and there's no preparing for it. No armor, no crash helmet, no vaccination, no painkiller, no anesthesia. Hurts first time, every time. And no guarantee he'll ever reconsider. He seems to hate me with a vengeance.

Because I love him, I guess I'll go and watch his final concert, and his graduation, slipping in the back door and slipping back out like a guilty thief in the night. Then I'll wait. Maybe someday I will be able to say, you didn't see me, but I was there, you know....

If you are still reading, thank you. I know it was long. I just needed someplace to say it. I hope this is the right place for it. Reading your stories has helped me feel less like a freak and more able to keep my head up.