May 25, 2020, 11:14:36 pm


"Welcome to -- When adult children marry and leave home, life can sometimes get more complex instead of simpler.  Being a mother-in-law or daughter-in-law can be tough.  How do we extend love and support to our mothers-in-law, adult children, daughters-in-law, sons-in-law, and grandchildren without interfering?  What do we do when there are communication problems?  How can we ask for help when we need it without being a burden?  And how do our family members feel about these issues?  We invite you to join our free forum, read some posts... and when you're ready...share your challenges and wisdom."

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Topics - not like the movies

Adult Sons and/or Adult Daughters / History Repeats
April 17, 2017, 03:39:18 pm
I've been here before. My daughter age 32, was married (great guy) and she had an online affair. The affair moved crossed country to be with her having never met her. She divorced her husband (one son now 10). New guy and her got married had a child, a girl now 5. I have discovered my daughter is having another affair. She does not know I know. I need to distance myself. I don't have it in me to do round 2 of this. It was a very painful time the first round. I really liked her first husband. I really like her 2nd husband. I can't make sense out of my daughters behavior even if I tried. I don't know what to say to her. I need to say something as I pull away. I got a text from her saying she feels a void between us. I have been silent with her lately. She has been so preoccupied with the affair it took her some time to notice. I am just trying to think about how to frame it. The first time this happened 6 years ago it was just horrible on the entire family. I can't imagine round 2 being any less painful in fact more painful. Two children now. The 10 yr old is very bonded to his step father. The truth is my daughter is very powerful, manipulative, selfish, and dishonest. It's hard for me to type those adjectives. I have been combing articles on line how to talk to your adult child that is having an affair. Thought I would turn here for added input.   
My son has been having marriage problems. He has confided in me some of the events. He would call for a sounding board when his wife would leave and be gone for days. He is in an abusive relationship. When it started I have always told him you two have the ingredients to make it work. I explained when you two make up I am not a part of that. So I don't need the details because I have want to keep decent feelings towards DIL.  As in all abusive relationships it has escalated. She started hitting and the verbal abuse increased. Because of the escalation I had a long conversation the other night with my son.  After my conversation that night I sent an e-mail to his personal account. DIL states she "accidentally" read the e-mail in his private account. The e-mail was in his deleted folder of all places. DS never sent a response to me. DIL now is offended and wants an explanation. Do I even owe her one? This was a personal e-mail to my son with my thoughts and my take and suggestion he get into counseling alone.  The only thing I want to address is the violation of privacy. But my I know my son needs to do that. What say you wise women.
Adult Sons and/or Adult Daughters / conflicted
July 08, 2012, 09:49:22 am
opinions? DD has been on the attack the last few days. nasty emails. yesterday her car broke down a few hours after an email bomb. she had her boyfriend (we like him a lot) call for help. They need a new starter. They have no money or skills to fix it. We have both. When we do for DD we always wind up eventually here where she forgets all the help rendered while she attacks us. You all know this song I am sure. Should we help again today? We look at it as helping the boyfriend we like. He shows appreciation and respect. However DD benefits since its her car as well. She has the  boyfriend make the rescue call appearing she is not asking for the help even though the request for him to call us is a direct order from her. She says jump he asks how high. uggghhh and we had plans to go boating today with some friends. I am of the mindset to follow through with our boating plans. meeting our needs. Let them figure it all out. the heart pull to help comes from the desire to help the boyfriend. he is out of work now and actively looking for work. a car helps with that.
My husband and I had a big 90th birthday bash at our home for his father. I sent an invite text message to my distant daughter for her to come and bring our grandson (being held pawn). We had over 50 people (we have a large backyard), all family. I got a response that she did not have a good experience at the last family event (son's wedding in May, nothing unpleasant happened at all) so she wasn't going to come but she said to give her best wishes grandpa. I responded "will do".  The event started at two. At 3pm she called asking if she could come. My husband responded of course. She came with our grandson and her new boyfriend (she is still married to our son in law). Everyone greeted them openly and warmly and it was a wonderfully pleasant day. I kept busy with others and hostess duties. We had brief casual conversation. She shared some of her pregnancy trials (boyfriend's baby). I listened, I was inviting and I was civil. That was it. Kept it simple. I was overjoyed to see our grandson and he was as joyful as a five year old could be. I got my hug tank filled. He played with cousins, went swimming, and reconnected with us. I don't know what the future holds but I no longer hold my breath. What will be will be. I can only do my part the best I can. Not perfect but with forward progress.

This event reinforces how I can not control what others do only my responses and my reactions to what others do.
Grab Bag / I am the daughter
July 21, 2011, 08:45:48 pm
My mother went to the ER Monday and was admitted to the hospital. I have been trying to balance work, my mother's hospital stay and checking in on my 91yr old father. I am tired and stressed. I am thinking a lot about what it is like to be a daughter to elderly parents needing help. What a time in my life. Troubles with my own daughter while examining my own role as a daughter. My life seems very complex right now. Taking it hour by hour. Oh an trying to have a relationship with my husband. His father just had prostrate surgery. We both have been pulled in two different directions trying to do the best we can. We fall into bed at night exhausted saying hello and goodnight. We still keep laughing though. Then he says "better days are ahead".
Acknowledgement of daughter's pregnancy.

My 26yr old daughter is pregnant. She is married with one child. She met a guy on the internet. He moved here about six months from out of state to be with her. She moved in to an apartment with him (still married to her husband no divorce filed). She is five months pregnant. I did not know about the new guy or the situation until maybe two months ago. A week prior to him moving here she cut off all contact with me and her brother. She did no want us to know so blamed the withdrawal on some other crazy things that made no sense. Her husband is the one that told us the real scoop. In a few of her hateful e-mails she told me she was pregnant because of my choices I won't be a part of it. Advance time and new e-mail criticizes me because I have not acknowledged her pregnancy, spoken of it, and have shunned it completely. Latest e-mail yesterday citing this. I want to respond only don't know what to say other than how I feel. Having trouble finding the words. I am feeling protective of me. Had I known she would use my grandson as a pawn I would have evaluated my involvement more seriously. I would not have bonded so strongly. He has been hurt and well as my husband and I. We have had to go through a grieving process due to his absence. My daughter had a lot of health problems when he was younger. He is five yesterday. He was at our home a lot so my daughter could deal with her issues. He had is own room here. One weekend sleep over a month. He was here average three days a week. I would pick him up and keep him until is daddy picked him up after work. I feel betrayed. Many times we had the grandson here I assumed she was resting and taking care of her needs. And she was but she was caring on an internet affair too. I am pretty sure that was time consuming. Not sure how much of the grandson here was her guilt because o possible neglect of her computer time. She told us she was resting. With the new knowledge of the boyfriend I see more clearly. We have been very bonded to grandson. We have been like surrogate parents for a long while now. We did this willing because we thought there was true need. I feel manipulated and deceived. I don't feel excited about a new grandchild given the circumstances. I am not full of joy about the possible bonding of a new grandchild that may be a future pawn. I have seen the hurt and devastation our grandson has experienced. That has been the most painful part. We can and have been able to process this and learn to cope but he is only five. He is confused about it. He asked us to stop being mean to his mommy so he could come back. I struggled to hold back the tears on that one.

I want to say something brief to acknowledge her about the pregnancy but lost what it should be.

BTW....this is the first weekend in a long line of weekends I had not one single obligation. I am still in my pajamas and my car never left the garage. I have been reading here, watching movies, called some friends, BBQ'd with my husband, napped, played music, played my favorite game scrabble. Someone came to the door and we did not even answer it. We felt like kids hiding. We both work during the week. We both have both sets of parents living. The dads are 90 and 91. The moms are 86. We have a busy weekend life visiting and helping where we can. My folks are in assisted living. His folks are still in there own home but struggle with some odds and ends.
I feel so renewed. Just wanted to share and say thanks for being out there.
I spent most the day white knuckling it. I did a lot of reading here...a lot! Thank heaven you women know how to post a plenty. It kept me from responding to nasty e-mails from my daughter. So I guess I should say white fingertipping it!  Thank you Thank you Thank you all! I made it with your help. I was an awful mother/grandmother yesterday. It was my grandsons 5th birthday. He has been used as a pawn for the past five or so months. His mother is really angry at me for things I have lost track of. I know it is not me. She is going through a crazy time as many young folks do. So I decided to drive to her apartment unannounced and drop off my grandsons gift. Well that stirred up a hornets nest. She was cold but did let me see her son and deliver a gift. She was snippy, rude, and very upset she could not control it all. We stayed 10 minutes just enough time to get a hug, give a hug and stoop down to my grandsons level, look into his eyes and say "I think about you everyday". Then we left as swift as we came. My husband said "Oh she is really mad". It was not thirty minutes before the text and e-mail rants began making it all about her and how I did it to upset her. Not one minute or thought was about her when I made the decision to deliver the gift.. The reason I did not call was history. I get no call backs, I am told my grandson is busy, has other plans. or I am ignored. I did not trust that I would be able to see him. I have never done that before. I did not want him to think I forgot him or his birthday. I have sent cards/gifts before she withholds. So of course I "ruined her memories of her sons birthday".
Now keep in mind had I ignored his birthday all together I would have been a bad grandmother. I suppose I opted yesterday for the bad mom badge. Thanks again for this site. It was my therapy today. And I especially like the fee.
Grab Bag / where do I find....
June 27, 2011, 09:50:20 pm
what all the initials mean?  like DD??? some I think I have figured out. I am sure there is a decoder somewhere but I can't find it or did not invest enough time in looking.
Adult Sons and/or Adult Daughters / Needing Advice
June 24, 2011, 10:28:43 pm
Long story adult daughter has stopped talking to me for about 6 months. I am not allowed to see my grandson as well. I received a horrible hurtful e-mail at the onset of the alienation telling me what a horrible mother I was. A week ago I received an e-mail entitled "childhood" things. She was requesting all the things I have stored from her childhood. The same horrible childhood she claims to be a product of.  Her words "pick up all my childhood toys and books you have in storage in the shop. Particularly my doll house, tea set, books, etc.....I think I'm having a girl and it would really be nice to have all the things I used to play with when I was little. Also any thing else like childhood photos, drawings, whatever you can find. My few baby outfits you held onto would be great also as those can be reused!"
I have been really torn over this. How can a horrible mother have provided such wonderful treasures? Hold on to, keep and store all these treasured childhood belongings?  The ugly e-mail and the request for childhood belongings just doesn't jive.
I have been vacillating between anger and sadness. Sometimes I want to give it so she can see all the love, and then I think she doesn't respect or appreciate me so how can she appreciate and cherish the "things". Thoughts please.