August 12, 2020, 05:10:08 pm

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"Welcome to WiseWomenUnite.com -- When adult children marry and leave home, life can sometimes get more complex instead of simpler.  Being a mother-in-law or daughter-in-law can be tough.  How do we extend love and support to our mothers-in-law, adult children, daughters-in-law, sons-in-law, and grandchildren without interfering?  What do we do when there are communication problems?  How can we ask for help when we need it without being a burden?  And how do our family members feel about these issues?  We invite you to join our free forum, read some posts... and when you're ready...share your challenges and wisdom."


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Topics - MC

1
I'm feeling scared and heart-broken. I'm afraid my husband and I may end up with no meaningful relationship with our daughter. I have two daughters. My oldest daughter, 26, makes very little effort to communicate with any of her family members, including me and my husband. She has one close friend in town and they still stay in touch but not as much they used to. We still see her friend. She will always return our calls and texts but never initiates contact. 

She has a problem with my husband in particular. They don't understand each other but are actually quite alike. They have different political views (she's NDP and he's Liberal) and different views about everything else. If he says black, she says white. She can be a very prickly girl and is offended easily, at least by us. Furthermore, he is not trained in communication and doesn't validate her feelings. Instead, he gives her advice that she doesn't want. He always seems to say the wrong thing and she gets her back up. When they have differing opinions, she shuts him down. They don't yell, call each other names or act in an abusive manner. It's like she puts a wall up. He doesn't know what to say to her. It's obvious that she feels disdain for him. She even rolls her eyes. He's really hurt and at this point, won't admit it and just says he feels frustrated with her. He doesn't approve of her decisions and I think she can tell. It's adding fuel to the fire. She's distant to me too but not as dismissive. I'm very careful about what I say to her. I feel like I'm walking on egg shells. She also has a disorder called misophonia and she hates the sound of us breathing or eating.Sometimes, she actually has to leave the room we're in because of it.

She came home for Christmas last year with her boyfriend and it was terrible. She had the flu and was quite sick but at the same time, was rude to us, didn't clean up after herself at all and gave presents to nobody, not even a card. We're not big on presents but we do give cards and show our appreciation. Basically, she acted like she was 14 years old. We didn't say anything and the visit went by without hurtful words. We were glad when they left.   

Last summer she moved in with her boyfriend to a new city and sees his family often. She has the same political views and belief systems as them. His family is quite wealthy and they give DD and her boyfriend money, pay for their groceries and just buy them a lot of stuff. My daughter has a Masters Degree and a well-paying job. She doesn't need them to pay for everything but she lets them. My husband and I are very secure financially but not as wealthy as BF's family. We're generous with money but have always encouraged our daughters to be financially independent. We quite like her boyfriend and do not blame him for any of this. We are always kind and welcoming towards him and ask after him and hope he's well. We know she makes her own decisions.

We were once a very close family and now I feel like each time we speak to her, there's more distance than the time before. She hates the city she was raised in and doesn't want to go out in public when she comes home for fear she'll see someone from high school. She seems to dislike everything we did as a family, especially camping and hiking.

Because of COVID, we won't be seeing her this summer but I strongly sense that she's relieved and doesn't want to see us anyways. I feel like this a very complex problem and I don't know what to do. 

I haven't talked to her about this situation yet but I'd like to. I feel like we're on the cusp of her not wanting to have anything to do with us. I feel like she might cut us off completely and that's what I'm scared of. It would break my heart. I haven't spoken to my other daughter about this because I don't want to talk about my older daughter behind her back. However, I feel like my younger daughter might be able to shed some light on what's happening. I just don't know what to do. I've decided to contact a counselor. I really need somebody to talk to.

I'm just really hurting and afraid.