I am new to this site and this is my first posting. I actually stumbled across the site whilst looking for online advice regarding my son.
He is 19 years old and for the last few weeks now he has not spoken to me. We live in a very small flat and his father has never been part of his life. He left us when I was 7 months pregnant and now lives in USA with his new family. I have worked full-time since I was 16 years old and I am now 52. I have done lots for my son and when he was growing up he always had what the other kids got as I worked my backside off to provide for him. He never received one penny piece from either his father or his father's family (who have also rejected us).
He was very badly bullied when he went to High School, and I was never away from speaking to his teachers etc and he eventually left when he was able to. He got into college and has a job now and earns his own money. Although he does not earn a lot, I never have taken any money from him for rent etc. All I asked was that he kept his room in order, I was happy to do his washing, ironing etc. So all in all, he is OK. He was diagnosed with Crohn's Disease early last year but is able to manage his medications etc but I went to every one of his consultants appointments etc with him and always let him know that no matter what I was there for him.
I came home from work one day to find wet towels, pants etc all over the place (this is really the norm to be honest) but this day I just got so fed up with it, I sent him a text saying basically he needs to get his act together and that I am sick of it. He is not the only one who works. This was almost 6 weeks ago and he has not spoken to me since. I left my job a couple of weeks after this due to stress and went out with a friend of mine. I dont drink alcohol as a rule, but between my son not speaking to me, not having my job, I just felt totally worthless and fed up and got very drunk. I found a bottle of alcohol in my son's room and started on this as well. I got up the following day and threw in the bin what was left of the alcohol but my son has obviously spotted this and fished it back out and put it back in his room. He is not a big drinker and is quite a healthy person but I think he was angry because this was a gift that someone had given him. I felt terrible and have tried to apologise.
I have sent text messages which he does not reply to. I have left notes before I go out which he ignores. I have even managed to get myself a new job which I start on 4 June but I am not looking forward to it because I have this hanging over me.
I have told him that I love him and even if he does not want to speak to me right now, he can come to me when he is ready. I am actually feeling like I am grovelling and have no self respect or self worth right now. I feel awful and every day starts and ends with tears. I actually feel like I am grieving. I cannot feel the happiness in anything right now.
I feel like such a bad parent even though in MY heart of hearts I dont believe this to be true. The guilt I feel is so overwhelming that sometimes I wake up and just think what is the point in being here. He hates me and doesnt want me anyway??
I am reaching out for some advice here because for the first time in my life, I just dont know what to do??
I am so sorry for the length of this post but feel I needed to get this out of my system.
Can anyone help??