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Topics - sadheart

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I've been reading here daily for about 2 months, and I so appreciate all of the wisdom. Your words have helped me to take steps in the right direction and avoid doing something devastating to my relationship with my son.

My son is engaged, has known his fiancee for a couple of years. We loved her. We invited her to all of our family gatherings. We worked at making her feel comfortable with us. We thought she was a perfect fit for him, as well as for our family. It turns out that she doesn't really feel the same way about us. 2 months ago they announced a wedding date, but told us we were not invited. This came out of the blue for us. We have always had a close relationship with our son. We were joyful they were getting married. This was the first clue for us that maybe our affection for her was not mutual. I told my son how hurtful this was, and we were given several different excuses why we were not invited, none of which had anything to do with us, his family. This angered the fiancee to no end, that I would say that our family was hurt. She unleashed her hostility on me, ambush-style, one afternoon, a month ago.

Over the past 2 months a myriad of infractions have been reported to us. By infraction I mean, one time needing help from my son, that took a grand total of 2 hours of his time (he never complained, but she sure did), and me having a long lunch with my son, one day, several months ago. She seems to be "keeping score" as she knows dates and how much time I spent with my son on those occasions. I now feel that she does not want us to have any sort of relationship with our son. Our son does not know how to stand up for whatever he may want. Our son's fiancee manipulates him with threats. I have been keeping my mouth completely shut, as I know that anything I say will be held against me. If it is true that he does not want to continue a close relationship with us, his parents and his siblings, then we need to know that so we can adjust our expectations.

I had a meeting with her, at her request about a week ago. That was the day that I really learned how she felt about us. She was hateful and rude. I was actually trying to love her and tell her that I just wanted to have her as a daughter, but she continued on this anger-fest. She is out of control with the criticism, where my son is concerned and with me. I realize that it is up to him to put a stop to that for himself. But I worry about any future children they could have. The two of them have had some relationship problems, and my only guess is that she thinks I am the obstacle. I'm not clingy. I have a life, and other children. Over the last year, I think I have spent about 8-10 hours per month with my son, some of this one-on-one time, some of this family dinner time. And some of that time, she was present.

Part of this post is just venting, as I need to find a way to keep my cool while I wait to see if things get better. But also, I need support and guidance so I don't do or say the wrong thing. I don't know how to manage my heart and be just a casual, once-in-a-while person in my son's life. Right now, I don't feel like I can just be grateful if I see him once every few months for 2 hours. I don't feel like I can host his fiancee in our home again. She is so mean and hateful to me. I don't want to have that in my life. Although my husband (son's father) and my son's siblings are also hurt, it seems to be me that is the target of her hatefulness. And I really don't feel that I have done anything horrible to her, except express that I was very hurt when we were told we're not invited to their wedding. She was especially angry about that. Do I not have a right to say that another person's choices hurt me and the rest of our family?

Up until 2 months ago, I really thought everything was going well. Help me keep my cool, not become clingy and needy, and make the best choices for a better future. How best do I go about asking my son what kind of relationship he hopes to have with his family, without looking needy? I'm walking on eggshells trying not to do anything wrong.

Thank you in advance.

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