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Adult Sons and/or Adult Daughters / First time here
« on: November 02, 2016, 09:31:59 AM »
Having just found this forum I am not sure where to start.  So I'll post my story (hope it isn't too long!) and trust the moderator will move it to the appropriate place.
I am a divorced 61 year old mother of two grown successful children.  I was a very good mother and we were very close.  After their father and I divorced I took pains to include him with family dinners and vacations and generally did the best I could to keep them close to their dad.  I believe that my daughter has some sort of mental disorder (likely narcissistic or borderline) and I took her for counseling through her childhood and teen years.  She admits to having OCD but is undiagnosed, and in any event refuses to take any medications. She married and moved away five years ago.  Three years ago, my mother died and I was in a very low place having been her caretaker.  A couple of months later, my daughter graduated from college and I travelled to be at her ceremony.  She seemed agitated and irritated with me, and I thought she was just overwrought about her graduation and ensuing move.  She lost her temper with me over a minor disagreement in a hotel room (I picked up her iphone thinking it was mine and she blew up over the fact that I invaded her privacy; never mind that I didn't even have her password to see anything private.) She slapped me.  Twice.  I went to the desk clerk and since I was in an unfamiliar area asked where I might find another hotel room.  I had paid for a two room suite on the beach for her, her husband, and my ex-her father.  I didn't feel safe staying with them so I wanted to get out until I could fly home.)  When I was in the hotel office the desk clerk asked me why I was leaving since I had two more nights paid for and I explained that I was having family problems and wanted to lodge away from them. She sympathized by saying she understood family dysfunction; she had just given social services custody of her daughter. Having no one else to talk to and feeling very alone, I was happy to have an impartial understanding ear and confided in her that my daughter had slapped me and that I needed to make other lodging arrangements.  The clerk gave me a room in the same hotel but away from my family.  Unbeknownst to me, my SIL apparently damaged the room keys before leaving them on the table in the room for which I had paid.  They all left to go to their nearby home.  Later, the desk clerk called to tell me she saw my SIL drive back into the hotel parking lot, enter the rooms I paid for, and drive out.  She informed me that she checked the rooms and found the damaged keys and because hotel property was damaged she had to inform the owner.  The owner told her that since it was in Florida, domestic abuse of any type must be reported.  They called the police, who showed up, shined a flashlight on my face where I had been slapped, and took my story.  While I didn't deny being slapped  (the mark was evident and I am not good at lying to authorities) I did beg the office to let the incident go.  I told him my daughter was under stress and that I did NOT want her to have any legal troubles as she was just getting ready to embark on her professional career.  I was made to sign a statement that the officers gave me a domestic abuse flyer giving me contact numbers if I needed help.  I didn't contact anyone else and went to bed to wait for a flight out the next day.  The next thing I knew my phone was blowing up with texts.  The police officer had notified his sergeant, who instructed him to go pick up my daughter.  I HAD NO IDEA THIS WAS GOING TO HAPPEN.  I spent the better part of the night and the next morning trying to get a bail bondsmen, to call the police officer who had visited me, the sergeant who had her arrested...ANYONE that might help me get her out of legal trouble which I never wanted to have started. I refused to press charges. I called the secretary of state to try to have her record expunged.  I paid my own attorney to consult with to see if I could do anything to help her. To try to shorten this, she and her husband blame me for her arrest. They said I should have lied to the police.  When you are traumatized and have a flashlight shining in your face it is hard to think of a cover story.  In any event, things have never been the same.  I am writing because I am so so very sad that she doesn't even like to be around me now.  We see each other occasionally and I have been lucky enough to have been included somewhat with my new grandchild, but as I feared she is beginning to use the child as a weapon, saying that she only tries to keep me involved for my sake.  What can I do when my daughter, to whom I was so very close, doesn't even like me now?  I cannot stop grieving.  My life is ruined.  I don't know how to get over it.  I don't think she is aware that she started the whole debacle by hitting me.  I have forgiven everything but try as I may I can't get back into her good graces.  It helps a little to know that with her personality disorder she doesn't like anyone very much (she won't even let her father know that he has a grandchild; he found out through my son.) She is a very vindictive and jealous person and can't keep friends.  She talks to her husband like he is her property.  In spite of all this, I want her to LIKE ME.  Isn't that pitiful?  Can someone please tell me how to reclaim my dignity?  We now live in the same city and I wish to God I could move so that there wouldn't be any discomfort over holiday get-togethers, or hoping that I'm asked to babysit, etc.   For the last couple of years it has been civil yet distant between us, but now she has blown up again over a conflict in Halloween plans and reamed me out, telling me I wasn't a good grandparent.  She is totally disrespectful and she keeps my guts in a knot.  Can anyone relate?  How can I stop letting it bother me?  Thanks.

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