January 27, 2021, 06:29:56 pm


"Welcome to WiseWomenUnite.com -- When adult children marry and leave home, life can sometimes get more complex instead of simpler.  Being a mother-in-law or daughter-in-law can be tough.  How do we extend love and support to our mothers-in-law, adult children, daughters-in-law, sons-in-law, and grandchildren without interfering?  What do we do when there are communication problems?  How can we ask for help when we need it without being a burden?  And how do our family members feel about these issues?  We invite you to join our free forum, read some posts... and when you're ready...share your challenges and wisdom."

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Topics - amflautist

It happened to me.  After 11 years of abuse by DIL, aided and abetted by DS, I finally realized I had to withdraw from DS's life.  I told him so on Feb 15th, 2 months ago.  It's not easy.  Everyone who has had to do this knows it's not easy.  However, I want to share a video with you, a video where Jane Goodall releases a chimp into the wild.  Every time I watch this video, I think to myself "That's what mothers do for sons and daughters, that's what grandmothers do for grandchildren.  Love them dearly, then let them go".  It helps me recenter myself, tell myself I have done a good job loving DS, and now I must let him go.  His life from now on has nothing to do with me.  Maybe this video will help you too.

I finally had to do it. I would like to say I found my spine and took my dignity back but in truth I was forced to do it by the ridiculous and humiliating rules that were set up for my visit. In short and without going back over 11 years of humiliation and groveling and being on my knees and saying  I'm sorry when it wasn't even my fault. I was always "the bigger person' the one who forgave the one who loved in spite of DIL who hated me.

Well they finally had kids, twin sons, three years ago. DH and I not allowed to see grandchildren except for 3 times in first year. Not at all for last two years. I was very happy when a last minute invitation to 3rd birthday party came two weeks ago, even though last minute airfare was $$$$.

I woke up at 4am for 6am flight. Found a long message on my phone giving lists of my inadequacies and transgressions, 90% of which was stuff made up by DIL. But it was the rules that got me!! DS - who usually seemed reasonable through all these years of stress - had asked us to come 2 days early and stay an extra day (in town not in his home because for DIL her home would be too stressful). DS asked us to come early because he wanted to bring our grandsons to us so we could take them to the children's museum and take them to lunch etc. Haha - he did not clear this with DIL and she was Stressed Out. Thus the rules.

Rules: You must not say anything bad about their house or the other guests at the party. (Huh? I am a gentle, considerate, gracious guest and hostess). When you get off the plane, you may not stay in my city. (We had planned to stay in our hotel and watch the Olympics for 2 days until the day of the party. No contact with anyone since by now it was clear there would be no seeing children before party). But we were told to rent a car and get out of their city  - go somewhere else for two days until party. Because just knowing we were in town would be too stressful for DIL.

That was the last straw. I have broken up with my son. I believe this is permanent. Although I said call me in the future if DIL changes, I know this will never happen. She never wanted us in her life, ignored us completely or threw tantrums if DS invited us over (in the early years) ... Etc.

The breakup is real. It is final. It is for me and my dignity and sense of self worth.

I am writing to ask anyone who went through this. How did you get through it? I wake up at night crying. I am mad at myself for allowing all the abuse for so many years. I want to be stronger when this is over, can't afford to let it affect my health.

How did you get through it???
Grab Bag / Happy Valentine's Day Luise!
February 14, 2018, 03:17:01 pm
Dear Luise,

I am thinking about you today.  Hoping you are well.  Grateful for all the wisdom you have granted me over the years.


Hello all my dear and old friends at WWU.  Time for a brief update.  DIL has never welcomed us into her house.  DS used to be in tears every time we got together.  Naturally, the get-togethers got fewer and fewer, and I think I could count them using only 10 fingers, no toes, even after 9.5 years.  Change #1:  2 grandsons, identical twins, now approaching their 2nd birthday.  We are not invited to the birthday party this year, although as you can guess, the other grandparents are.  DS tried to set up a visit for us in late February, after the birthday, but DIL has just canceled that also.  Change #2: DS and DIL moved to the west coast last April. DS told us to come and visit them in the summer, and of course you all know that story too!  Summer came, we asked and asked - This week?  Next month?  - but eventually DS told us to quit asking because every time he brought up the subject, a fight ensued.

However, this is the happy happy news!  I have a new equilibrium about it most of the time.  I accept that my DIL is a pill, she doesn't want us anywhere near her or our grandchildren, it will always be that way, and guess what:  I don't have to cry about it any more!!  YOU, my dearest friends at WWU, YOU are the reason I can accept this life's little kick, and not be knocked over by it anymore.  Thank you everyone, especially thank you Luise, for the wise advice you gave while I was embroiled in the middle of the slaughter. 

This is the really, really happy news:  I told DS that he was #1 in my heart, not my grandchildren, and what I really wanted was to see him every now and then.  So now I have it set up that I can fly to the west coast at the end of February and go out to lunch with him.  He needn't tell DIL.  In fact, I am very sure he won't.

I sign on every now and then, most to read again all of Luise's wise and comforting words to everyone.  Today I filled up my buffer and my heart once again with all your help and love.

Best wishes to everyone,