September 30, 2020, 01:59:53 pm


"Welcome to -- When adult children marry and leave home, life can sometimes get more complex instead of simpler.  Being a mother-in-law or daughter-in-law can be tough.  How do we extend love and support to our mothers-in-law, adult children, daughters-in-law, sons-in-law, and grandchildren without interfering?  What do we do when there are communication problems?  How can we ask for help when we need it without being a burden?  And how do our family members feel about these issues?  We invite you to join our free forum, read some posts... and when you're ready...share your challenges and wisdom."

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Topics - JaneF

Hello. I'm not sure if anyone will remember me. I have thought of you all often. I needed to take time off to focus on the grandkids, and daughter issues.  I have so very much I want to tell you! First I'll say the kids are doing well.  They have grown so much! The oldest, the girl we have always raised will be 17 in June, and she's a beauty. Such musical talent, we are both proud and amazed. She is in her 4th year of band, plays flute. Taking piano lessons, plays some ukelele and acoustic guitar. Sings like a dream and has even recorded 2 original songs at a studio.  Not ready to market yet, but she is still writing songs. She won the high school talent show last year, performs in public now! More on her later. The oldest boy will be 13 in June. The ex step father still in prison and has yet to be charged with molesting this child. He is in first year of band, plays tuba! Went through counseling and diagnosed bipolar. He's a sweet boy. He just had emergency surgery last week. Appendix. He's recovering nicely. He goes to the middle school now 7th grade. He has really grown in height and weight. He is doing great. The youngest is now 7, and cute as he can be! But oh my what a handful he is!!! Giving his teacher a run for her money. He has sensory processing disorder, and we are trying to get testing for autism spectrum. He is being referred by teacher for gifted class! His vocabulary is amazing!  He is a great reader,  way above his level teacher said. My daughter has been out of prison almost 2 and a half years. Doing well. Still drug free, going to school now! She divorced the one that is still in prison. We still own our very large home, but purchased newer one this year. Hope to catch up with you all soon!
Good afternoon ladies!  I am so very very tired, but I am also very relieved.  Family Services had foster mother turn my grandsons over to me last Saturday.  After a long road trip (about 7 and a half hours), we were totally exhausted of course.  Family Services (called DFS here), still has control and jurisdiction however.  They told us we have to go through foster parenting classes and lisensing or they will snatch the kids back.  These people frankly make me ill.  I have been trying to enroll the youngest in an early childhood program through the school, an Head Start due to his having an IEP at such a young age.  DFS did not give me a single piece of paper proving I have been given these kids, so he cannot be enrolled yet.  I was angry at the phone conference on August 30th.  I found out the oldest grandson age 10 had run away a week before , but nobody told us.  The foster mom said she was embarrassed!  She said she called every caseworkers phone number she had and not a one returned her call!!!  FINALLY a few hours later a different worker called her.  Foster mom had to call sheriff to locate this child.  He had gotten over 5 miles away by then in the terrible heat, not to mention they live way, way out in the "boondocks"!  The therapist at the phone conference was great though.  He was counseling the 10 year old (he was the one who turned his mom and step father in for the meth lab).  He said the child has PTSD.  I asked if I should do as DFS insists and get him into counseling when he arrives here...and he said and I QUOTE "No, he needs to be with his FAMILY!"  lol  I LOVED it! lol  DFS refuses to begin the process of allowing my husband and I to obtain guardianship however.  This makes no sense to me at all.  They said not until their mother is released from prison.  Odd.  The childrens father is still shooting meth and living 15 minutes away from us.  He has a caseworker through DFS and this same one plans to come work with us here at our home but I am concerned about that being a conflict.  We are NOT anything like him, or his family.  Obviously.  I spoke to the childrens guardian ad litem today, and he said since my daughter and the bio father wish to consent to our having legal guardianship all we have to do is have them sign the papers and go to court for judge approval...however DFS is telling me NOOOOO.  lol  Of course they are!  I spoke to my attorney today as well.  If we do not take guardianship we get the state funding...or we can get DFS out of our hair and then be able to raise them without interference, and forego the funds.  My daughter is due for release (if all goes like she says is planned) on October 16th!  Her husband that was charged as well is currently in long term rehab awaiting his trial date still!  He is stalling as long as possible because he will probably do serious time, but who knows?  We are very busy right now, but the 10 year old is in school and happy.  He likes our Church and attends a "kid zone" group on Wednesdays after school.  Then we go to dinner at Church 5:30, big sister does youth group and Praise Team practice after that!  Good news she also made Show Choir YAY!!!  She has her very first marching band competition on the 28th of this month too...awesome!  She is at a school dance this afternoon and we will pick her up later.  The little one and I spend the days together after I get off work at 8 am!  YAWN!!!  I catch a bit of sleep after husband gets home afternoons!  When he goes to school (hopefully quickly!!!), I will sleep while he is gone.  We are taking the 3 kids on a 3 day camping trip this month.  Can't wait for that to happen!  We bought a very large enclosed trampoline for them to enjoy (papa and I even get in and jump!) lol.  The boys adore their campsite bedrooms as I knew they would.  They have ravenous appetites!  Gotta run for now!  Thanks for allowing me to blab once again.  J
Well ladies, here we are a few months after my daughter and her husband are arrested for the meth lab in the home with my grandsons residing there.  You know what?  I STILL almost faint when I say those words or even think it.  My daughter has done a HUGE amount of changing during this time to be honest.  I did not initially speak to her or accept calls etc.  After several weeks I did finally accept her call.  I figured she was definitely clear headed by this point, so we could have a clear conversation, if you will.  She said in that first conversation she does not plan to plead not guilty because she knows full well what she has done and just wants to take responsibility for her actions.  She is aware that there will be harsh consequences, but stated she deserves that.  She has apologized many, many times, by phone and me as well as the children.  She has not really asked for anything from me but a few minor things.  She has asked for some stamps and envelopes to just be able to let the children know she is okay ( the two older ones are really struggling with this latest mess).  Also she wants to keep me aware of issues.  The county jail where she WAS awaiting speedy trial due to wanting to just accept punishment and prepares to go to voluntary drug treatment while there did see to it she was put on bipolar meds, which is very important due to the severity of my daughters illness (obviously...), that is why she WAS on disabilty.  Notice I keep saying WAS???  Well June 18 was her trial date.  I chose not to go because although I know she understands and accepts what ever consequences she will get, as her mom I don't think I could have stood hearing it all.  I am angry at her choices as you all know, but I still love her, she is my child.  My daughter got sentenced to 15 years, and 5 years total.  They dropped a few of the charges but she was convicted of the largest one, manufacturing meth with children in the residence.  She told them the entire truth, and I have to say even though I am mortified at what she's done, I am proud of her for just being honest and real about it.  Her husband on the other hand is fighting it with all his might!  He sent letters to her in jail and broke the rules by doing so, but he asked her to take all the blame so he could get off...he is a convicted felon (drugs), so he may as well plan on prison time too.  I found out that the night before their arrests this man hit my then 9 year old grandson hard enough to bounce his face off the refrigerator and bloody an eye...I am LIVID!  My daughter reported it (after she hauled off and punched this fella in the very same eye as hard as she could).  Sadly this is all a little too late.  My daughter is now incarcerated in one of the womens correctional facilities, and my grandsons are still in foster care.  I was allowed to see my daughter the night before she was taken away (behind glass walls).  My grandaughter insisted on seeing her as well...she is now 14 years old.  I was allowed to attend my grandsons 10th birthday party in June also.  It was a long 7 hour drive (that is total drive time).  I am now trying to get the boys out of foster care.  We did not sell the big house (coincidence??? I think not  lol).  We will live in it, and we HOPE to have the grandsons there with us soon...if Child Protective Services will cooperate.  The foster mother (who really is a neat lady, and actually a teacher at head start program where my grandson attends), slipped up at the party and stated to me that she is licensed to adopt children, but she had planned adopting one child, not two....I almost passed out.  I am thinking the very people who for years refused to listen when I, two different schools, school counselor and licensed therapist, and several other people, a hospital, and a physician tried to get those children help...NOW they are going to fight giving them to their grandmother who already has been raising their older sibling, and who has never been in trouble, and who can provide a nice childhood for them?  Well, I plan to fight!  We are busy lately as always.  Grandaughter finished level 3 on swim lessons (has a goal to be lifeguard next summer at age 15!  Her braces are doing great,  she has volleyball tryouts next month and the physical required to do so, marching band practice to begin first week of school, and we are taking her (and her tribe of pets) on a much needed relaxing camping and fishing retreat this week.  I do not know actually how long my daughter will be incarcerated but she has a "chance" of doing much shorter time if she continues to do well and follows through with treatment in there et...but how much time I have no clue.  I will raise the children (if allowed to) as long as they need me to!  I am only in my early 50's I CAN do this!  Thank you for allowing me to rant on so!  Blessings to you all, and hope you all have a most joyous Fourth of July Holiday!  J
Hi ladies, long time no visit.  Been wild here, but such is life.  The grandaughter now has her braces on, and she is doing fine.  Here is the latest drama in my life.  My daughter that has given me many, many moments of grief and pain, has actually gone above and beyond this time!  lol  Sad to say.  Ready????  She and her husband were arrested this week for having a meth lab in their home...the same home where my 2 grandsons reside...sheesh.  I about fell over dead with shock.  The boys are in foster home many hours drive from here.  There are 7 charges filed for each of them, and 6 are felonies, one is a class A felony for having meth lab within 2000 feet of school or bus stop for school.  My best guess is they are facing prison time...but they earned it!  I feel so sad for the boys.  But are you ready for the next shocker???  Guess how the idiots got busted?  MY NINE YEAR OLD GRANDSON REPORTED IT!!  LOL  Unreal.  Poor little boys have had such a rough childhood.  I immediately called child protective services and reminded them that the last time I spoke to them I said I would be calling them back when my grandsons were harmed or put into a worse dangerous situation...and I would say "I TOLD YOU SO".  That gives me no pleasure.  They know I am angry.  At this time I have chosen not to go get the children.  Some may judge me harshly for this.  However, the first thing that came out of the social workers mouth basically was that they planned to set a goal of reunification for my daughter and her sons!  I plan to wait and see what comes of the charges and court dates etc before I choose my next move.  The bond for each one of the idiots is $100,000 CASH ONLY, no bail bondsman, CASH all of the amount!  Well, even if bond was set for a nickel I would refuse to pay it.  They will stay there until court...then if they get prison like I am guessing I will address the issue about the grandsons.  To be honest we are in the process of selling our big house and planned to downsize.  We are not getting any younger, husband is diabetic and we have had way too much on our plate for far too long now.  We have to cut back.  I am hoping that the boys can be moved to our county or the county closest to us, but go to a family that has the ability to care for these fellas who now have a whole lot of emotional and behavioral problems...gee wonder why???  Grrrr.  I have to try to do what is best for THEM, not for me.  They need us to be there to support and love them, see them often, but need to be helped by folks trained to help children with these issues.  It may be their only chance in life...lets hope this happens.  Time will tell I suppose.  Nothing is set in stone at this time, I plan to take things one day at a time.  That is all I can do.  My daughter is mad at me right now because I won't help her, or accept collect calls, and because I told her she is selfish and only cares about herself.  Guess she didn't like to hear the facts.  So for now she refuses to even sign releases giving me the ability to speak to the childrens lawyer or family services to find out how they are or talk to the boys.  I am betting she will sign releases at some point though.  I refuse to cave to her emotional black mail.  They both need to pay the price for their choices.  I only hope they learn from it, BUT...not holding my breath!  I will update when I know something, and thanks for allowing me to vent.  AGAIN.   J ::)
First of all Happy Holidays ladies!  Before my darling grandchildren wake up to see what "Santa" has brought, I thought I'd relay my experiences from yesterday.  Over all it was a good day!  My daughter and her husband arrived the day before safely with my 2 grandsons.  The grandaughter we are raising was glad to see her mom and brothers.  The "adopted" family we invited to spend the day with us ( 2 adults, no kids) and enjoy the food was here.  My oldest DS was not here (flu), but his ex brought my grandson and grandaughter up so I could spend a bit of time with them and give them gifts.  Suddenly out of the blue I notice a text message on my phone from my youngest DS.  He asked what we had planned for the holiday yesterday.  To be honest you could have knocked me over with a feather!  He and DIL have not had anything to do with us for holidays now for several years, as Christmas Eve is reserved for HER family, but then they also are reserved for Christmas Day...well, that left no time at all for DS and his FOO of course.  A day a week before or a week after apparently was a suggestion they did not think would work for them either.  Sooooo, yesterday he asked if we would mind them coming to visit!  Of course since I never see them or hear from them at this time of year, or birthdays, or Easter, or any other day as a matter of fact...I finally gave up even buying gifts for the grandaughters because I now know nothing about them!  What size they wear, movies they like, or toys, music...nothing.  So I had nothing for them.  I called DS and said so, and he shocked me by saying they do not care about gifts, they just wanted to come visit and spend time with family!  I think I bruised my chin when it hit the floor as my mouth hung open from surprise!  lol  But I did manage to have a card and a nice check ready (after they had stayed and visited for a few hours).  It used to be they would come, spend less than half an hour at about bedtime when they could crowd us in, get their loot and away they'd go.  I was not going to be played like that again.  My DS brought his entire family, and I saw the youngest daughter of his (my grandaughter) for the first time in 3 years!  He brought his older daughter as well, my 13 year old grandaughter that just had the baby in September.  The baby is of course beautiful.  She cooed and smiled the entire time much to my delight!  My grandaughter is doing a good job (for a child!) as far as caring for her it appears.  She is nursing her even!  She was clean, dressed appropriately, and chubby and happy!  They all hugged us, and we shared our meal and visited.  My DD is holding out on trusting too much at this point she said.  She wonders if this new behavior will continue as my DS told me it would!  Time will tell I suppose.  He has invited me to a school program in the past month as well though...another good sign.  Well, I see 2 of my grandchildren are creeping around looking for what might be here from Santa!  Time for the day to begin!!!  Have a most joyous day my friends.  We plan to!!!!   J
As you all know, my youngest DS and I have really not communicated much since he has been with his wife.  You know the drill, HER family gets it all.  lol  Holidays, visits, grandkids school programs, photos and all that jazz.  I posted last month I think it was, that DS had sent me a text message asking me to run to town a no notice of see new great grandaughter and my grandaughters.  He said he didn't know why his wife acted the way she did blah, blah.  I said in that post that I refused him, and said what I have been wanting to say for many years!  What are they going to do?  Cut off communication?  That was already being done, so I was tired of the games and said so.  Well...update!  On Tuesday ds texted me again and said one grandaughter (the 13 year old that had the baby in Sept) had a choir concert that evening.  I about fell over.  The problem was he said he himself had only found out himself (yeah okay), and he texted a little after 5 pm, program was at 6:30 pm and I live about a half hour drive to where the place was.  Also I had just gotten awake due to my working third shift, so I wasn't dressed, or cleaned up, nothing. Besides it happens that the grandaughter I'm raising had her winter band concert the very same night, and same time.  I'd already promised her I'd be there.  So I phoned my ds and told him that.  He understood, and we had a good informative conversation for about 10 minutes.  He said he was putting his foot down about this nonsense, and any time I want to visit the grands to just let him know and HE will bring them.  He said he never could understand why his wife is like she is, and he is finally saying what he thinks.  He now knows she hides things from him too.  We were discussing the issue with the 20 year old who got my grandaughter pregnant (when she was still 12 years old!), and I said it's nuts that they are not going to prosecute him for it.  My ds said and I quote "what do you mean not prosecuting?"  I told him I spoke with the prosecutors office myself about it and they said my grandaughter told the guy she was 17, so they refuse to prosecute!  My ds was angry because his wife did not tell him the truth, she and grandaughter knew this and led him to believe the guy was in trouble basically.  Truth is ds finds out, grandaughter and his wife don't want him prosecuted!  So now ds plans to raise a big fuss and insist they charge this guy (he will be easy to find as he is in prison on major drug charges and he'd been in trouble for it before and was on probation).  He's a real winner huh?  I can't wait to see what happens next, but I am glad ds is possibly beginning to wise up.  Time will tell.  J
Hello you wise women.  I need advice on how to best help my 13 year old grandaughter with her schoolwork.  She has attention deficit disorder, but is a quiet, very well behaved girl. The teachers are fine, she likes them, and they have no problems with her other than she is shy.  We have been having her tutored 2 days a week in 2 different subjects, and one grade went DOWN a tiny bit!  Before that we were having her stay after school 1 hour a day 4 days a week for a help with homework period called academic lab.  No change. I have talked to her school counselor 2 times in the past week, and talked to 3 of the teachers that have her in a class she is struggling in. Monday we begin a change in plan!  Tutoring for 2 days then academic lab for 2 days (not available on Fridays). I plan to spend anywhere from 1 hour to whatever it takes every day as well to help her with homework (not DO it for her!  :D. Then we will also do extra time for study time for upcoming quiz and tests. She does NOT test well, which is where a lot of her problems start. I am trying to teach her better study skills so advice is welcome!  She sees doctor in a week to make sure ADHD meds are at needed dose...but I prefer to use least meds possible to get desired effect!  Her glasses are new, so that has been checked as well.  She sleeps well and goes to bed at 9 pm every night.  I have told her that when we are doing homework or study is OFF, no phone, no distractions!  Am I missing anything friends?  I just want her to succeed.  Please and thanks!  J
I know to some of you my response to my DS was not what you may have chosen to do...and it was one of the hardest things I have ever done!  I had said on one of my most recent posts that I sent a message with my sons father in law that I was completely finished with trying.  My DS texted me today and asked me to come meet him at his Aunts house, who is one of my best friends, even though her brother is my ex husband!  I replied back simply Why?  He then responded that he finally talked some sense into his wife, and his 13 year old daughter that just gave birth to my first great grandchild in September.  He told me my grandaughter thought I did not like her.  Of course she has been told by her mother I recently found out!  It took all I had to respond to my son and tell him exactly what I needed to let him know.  I miss him and love him, but I told him I wish the tables could be turned on his wife and her family for the next fourteen years, so they could see how painful it has been for me to get zero school pictures or school programs, no holidays, or birthdays, nothing.  I also told him his wifes family was the strangest family I have ever met in my life.  I then told him I will not meet him because I am tired of being less than second fiddle.  I told him I have tried and tried, and I'm done.  He was going to bring the great grandaughter so I could see her, but my grandaughter and daughter in law would not be to me they were going to be slapping me in the face by refusing to attend this so called "meeting".  I know some of you may say that this may have caused a permanent "severing" of any relationship in the future...but to be down right honest, they had pretty much already done that many, many years ago.  I never asked for much from them, nothing actually...but instead I said to them on many occaisions we are okay with a day other than the exact holiday so that way her family can have that time...I would accept a week before or after, whatever.  We got zero.  Except 5 minutes to come get their "loot" and right back to her family they'd go!  See, I am feeling like they are contacting now because here we are at holiday time once again!  Hmmmm.  I am honestly saddened that I turned my son away, but he needs to know how it feels to be hurt like I have...and I will not allow them to treat me badly ever again.  I got to spend Thanksgiving with 2 of my other children and several other grandchildren, so it was a blessing.  My DS didn't even bother to TEXT happy Thanksgiving that day.  Today is my husbands birthday, and our anniversary...did he acknowledge either???  Nope.  I am done now, I will be just fine.  I said what I wanted and needed to say.  I am at peace because I know I gave it my very best for many years.  Thanks for allowing me to rant a while, I appreciate you all.  Blessings to you my friends.   J
Hello once again.  Notice in my subject line I said SOME MIL'S!  I have seen from reading here it is quite common for their to be an issue with one side of the family being left out.  Usually, but not always, it is the DIL'S family that gets to share in the family things, while her husbands side is totally excluded (as in my case).  I must say in my defense as a mother in law that it isn't always the MIL'S fault.  I know there are cases where they are a problem.  My ex husbands mother was one of my best friends, and I was blessed to be able to help care for her when she was dying of cancer at age 62.  My husband also liked her a lot and did things for her!  (he is a wonderful man).  My husbands mother is a different story!  DIFFICULT to deal with, and sadly even though I tried to help care for her (dementia), she got it in her head I was stealing her bible book mark, and lotion...oh dear.  So I gracefully bowed out so as not to cause her upset, because to her that was truth (even though she is driving neighbor lady nuts by calling police constantly accusing her of stealing her towels!).  Sad.  Anyway, back to my point about in my defense as a oldest son had a child 11 years ago with a lady he wasn't married to.  She and I get along beautifully!  Always have.  I am invited to school plays and programs, baseball games, and ALWAYS birthday parties.  I get school photos as well.  I am allowed to take him camping for lengths of time or have him just come overnight to visit.  He has a little sister (she is not my biological grandchild), and I treat her exactly the same...ALWAYS!  I get the same invitations with her, and she has no idea I am not her real grandmother.  She is 5 years old.  My point is there are good and bad with MIL'S as well as DIL'S.  My oldest son is now with a lady that has children from a previous marriage.  We also get along fine, and I give those children Christmas gifts as well.  They are coming for the holidays.  When my daughter was married to first husband I also invited his family for things to make them feel a part of our family.  I think if people would just try to treat others like they like to be treated it would be a great improvement.  Maybe this is why I may have been so dumbfounded by the way my DIL and her family treat us...I just don't understand why it has to be that way when there could be a tiny bit of compromise by all involved.  I guess some folks are able to be fair and reasonable and kind, while others do not have the ability.  My own mother is a very mean, cold, selfish person.  I just chose to NOT be like her because it is hurtful to be treated that way.  Blessings to all of you, and thanks for allowing me to rattle on!   J
Hello all you wise wonderful women!  It has been quite a while since I last posted, as life seems to be busy!  I just wanted to wish everyone a lovely Thanksgiving for one thing...and then I have to tell what I did.  As some of you know I became a great grandmother in September.  Sad situation due to the fact my grandaughter that gave birth is a 13 year old child herself.  I found out through Facebook.  I only use Facebook for positive things and NEVER say anything ugly or hurtful there.  But I accidentally saw a post from someone and thus I found out about the pregnancy.  The prosecutor refuses to do anything to the father of the baby even though he is 20 years old!  Reason...I am told it is because she consented and lied to him about her age!  Consent at 12 years old?  Are you kidding?  And this child might appear to be 14 or so, but a legal 17...not by a long shot.  Makes me angry, but nothing I can do.  My son and daughter in law have yet to tell me the baby is here. In fact they never mentioned the pregnancy at all.  I was never invited to the baby shower either. Only my DIL's family was allowed at the hospital of course, and I still have not even seen this baby.  Anyway, to tell you what I did I am not proud of!  I was shopping this past weekend with my husband, and I saw my DIL's father as he called out to us and said hi.  It just hit me wrong because I have talked to these people til I am blue in the face about our situation and not being allowed to be involved in their lives.  I honestly had let it all go before the great grandchild arrived, then that just sort of tipped things upside down again.  So, I immediately had an attitude that I am not proud of, but honestly it felt good to FINALLY say what I felt!  This guy said to me that he was at son and DIL's the day before helping him fix a car, but here I get zero EVER.  I said to this man to give them all a message from me!  I am completely done with all of them, for good.  I said it is too bad some people think there is only one side to a family and they refuse to consider the others, but I refuse to be treated like that anymore, so as far as I am concerned they are out of my life.  I know some may think me awful for this, but some will understand that I have to do what is best for me and my health!  Some will say that I will never have a relationship with them now...but I did not have one already, so I guess the only thing I accomplished was to make myself feel better and to let them know we will not take what they dish anymore.  It felt great!  That is typically not like me at all.  I spoke to this mans girlfriend, or soon to be ex as she told me.  I told her what I had said to him, and she said she has told him that their relationship is over because of the strange way that family treats other people.  She said he allowed his daughters and ex wife to treat her badly (one of them is my DIL).  Good for her to put her foot down and get rid of him!  On a good note, I am feeling a lot lighter today.  My grandaughter and I set up 2 Christmas trees this year since she wanted to decorate her own!  I have "adopted" other children who do not get much as Christmas time, and we already got them gifts and they are wrapped and under the tree.  I donated to the box at the store for children in the childrens home.  Trying to teach grandaughter that giving and sharing is a good thing to do.  My husband and I also invited a few people for Thanksgiving  who have very little, and no other family to share holidays with.  They appreciate it a great deal, and we are glad to have them!  They were already asked for Christmas as well.  So blessings to all of you, and know we all have a right not to allow others to treat us badly!!!!  Now I can return to my usual self and have the smile on my face!   J
Hello once again.  I never did get a call or message from my ds, but another person I know saw it on Facebook...I am a great grandmother as of September 14th.  The little gal was 9 pounds, and 22 inches long!  From the photos on Facebook she is a beautiful baby.  I obviously know nothing else because I am sure my dil does not want us involved in her life (so what's new huh?).  Oh well, no point in being upset because I am so used to this being the way it is already with my grandaughters.  It now does not make me sad, or angry because I finally decided some time ago that no matter what I do or do not do, it will not change.  My life has been SO much easier since I have changed MY attitude about things!  I saw on Facebook today that my grandaughter made a statement yesterday about the fact that she doesn't know if she can do this anymore.  I guess I expected this, as she herself is obviously a child number one...and most likely does not have the ability to parent this infant!  Duh, right?  I do worry about the tiny one, and I hope my ds and dil are smart enough to realize that they are probably going to have to care for the child.  It is so sad that there are those out there that want a baby so badly, but cannot have one...but here we have a child who got pregnant at the age of 12.  So unfair huh?  It might seem mean of me to say, but I kind of wish the baby could be given to someone who would cherish and adore her and raise her correctly.  The home situation where she is now is not in the best interests of the child, to be truthful.  All I can say is I am hoping for the best in this case...and we shall see.  I have not contacted my ds and asked why he felt it necessary to withold the info about the birth of my first great grandchild, nor do I plan to.  I am guessing that his wife does not want us involved in any way, only wants her family involved...fine with me!  lol  They are probably angry though that I did not hand them a tidy sum of money or buy all the baby needs like I did when my first grandaughter was born.  Why would I be stupid twice???  I was kept out of her life for the most part, except for when gifts were expected of course.  I learned that lesson quickly though.  Thanks for letting me share some thoughts once again my wise friends.   J
Adult Sons and/or Adult Daughters / PEACE!!!!!
August 11, 2012, 02:07:38 am
Hello my WWU friends!  Just  had a bit of time to myself while everyone else is sleeping.  I call this my "ME TIME"!  Since I work third shift I try to stay on schedule on my nights off.  It tends to make it a bit easier on this old gal, as this shift can be hard on a body.  I am having a very different week this past week.  It has been very, very peaceful and calm.  Probably due to the fact that I have not gotten one single call or text message from my daughter, her husband, or her ex either!  I am not sure if it is because I made them all angry when I told them they are to deal with their own issues and consequences, or if they are all in rehab somewhere (doubtful), or what.  But in any case I have slept much better and have felt much better, so I'll take it!  Been busy getting my grandaughter school supplies and clothes and shoes purchased, and so we have enjoyed "girls day out" together a few times, and go to lunch too.  She really has goos taste as far as clothes go, and dresses very cute, but modestly which I am happy about.  She is only 13 after all.  I let her choose her items now, but I get veto power if not appropriate, but she tends to shop well.  She was deeply saddened though last week when her most beloved pet passed away.  She is a true animal lover.  She and my husband made him a small wooden box and buried him under the old picket fence in the flower garden, right under the sweet peas.  Those were planted because that is what my husband calls her.  There is a fish pond with waterfall feature there as well (but no fish!).  Just plants and stone bench and lovely rock garden.  I have agreed to take on a part time job  for every other weekend.  I know it sounds nuts, but actually it will dog sitting, for a man at work and I know my grandaughter adores dogs so it will be great for us to do together as well as teach her about responsibility for a dog.  She wants a dog, but at this time we would rather not get one!  This is best of both worlds, part time fun with a dog without vet bills and bathing etc!  She will be so very excited to begin and we will share the earnings of course.  (as well as responsibility for the care).  She is eager to start again in band as she loved it last year.  Thanks for allowing me to post a happy report...what a blessing!  I know all of us here have difficulty, and sadness a lot of times and I have to say it is nice to report good news sometimes!  One never knows when ugliness will rear it's head again, but thanks to all the wise ladies here it is nice to feel there is support out there and people who understand.  My birthday is this month (yuk) lol, but I plan to try and make my 52nd year a great one!  I did get a raise at work this month, so we are off to a good start!  Have a joyous weekend ladies.   J
Update on my soap opera life!   :-[  I will try to tell it and keep my sanity.  Apparently daughter and husband have been using drugs STILL, even after scare with arrest etc.  Problem is that it's advanced to needles now!  Great.  He has made false police reports about stolen meds to get more prescribed (he admitted to me).  Daughter left him again about 2 weeks ago because she even said his drug use was getting way out of control.  But remember they met in drug DUH!  I refused to help her when she left the last time as I had told her I would.  But she conned her ex into coming to get her!  He WAS clean only a few weeks himself, now using again.  The womens shelter had no vacancy at all, I checked.  I was going to have her and the boys go there because I have had all I can take.  The temps have been in the hundreds, and too hot for boys outside anywhere (for safety sake).  They came to my home on a temporary only basis.  She was due to get her own place by the first of August.  Her husband and her were sneaky though and he planned to drive down to get her AGAIN.  No surprise.  He borrowed a VERY NICE newer vehicle from an uncle.  Well, he apparently chose to be under the influence of the needle when he drove down, rolled that vehicle and got ejected, was life flighted in critical condition.  Had emergency surgery on spleen, has broken pelvis, shattered shoulder etc.  Daughter had called police to report him making false statement to get drugs, she called his doctor to report his abuse with the needles etc.  She told me and so did he (via conference calls) that he was buying methodone and vicodin, morphine and lyrica from a guy that gets them from the V.A.  Daughter admitted that the expenditures every month for the pills reaches into several hundred dollars a month.  He gets only $300 a month after paying his child support, my daughter gets disability and welfare on the 2 boys.  He needs her $ to survive and keep his habit.  But guess what?  She is planning to go right back.  I told them both I will be calling family services, his probation officer, the police, prosecutor, doctors, and anyone else I can call.  I told her I will fight for custody of the boys because I have enough to win for sure.  I can easily take care of the granchild I already have (age 13), and one of the boys (age 9 now), my problem is the little one not in preschool yet.  Of course if she chooses to leave I caanot and will not stop her.  If she takes the boys legally I cannot stop her.  Sadly I have been thinking (as hard as it is) that I should just let it go.  I told her if they leave I will NOT help again and she will not use the boys to hold me hostage.  I think I will say goodbye, make the phone calls I feel I should make, then let things run their course.  Any advice from you ladies that might help?  I just really do not know whether to keep fighting or not.  I do not get needed support from legal system or child protective services.  Every time I think she may do better, she reverts back to this.  I am not shocked though, just disappointed.  She cannot see that this guy only wants her for her check, food stamps and kids $ to support his drug habit.  Nothing more I can do.  I feel okay in knowing I have done my best at least.  I said I will change phone numbers and will not respond to her cries for help that I know will come within a few short months from now...but I am done with it.  Am I doing the right thing?  I guess I need validation that it is okay for me to let go for my health and sanity!   ;)  Thanks for lending an ear ladies.   J
Good Saturday morning to you ladies.  This past month has been a challenge to say the least.  I am just here to update on the situation.  My husband and I are very tired, but we feel we did the very best we could.  I got a call yesterday from the powers that be, and it seems the charges of all sexual related issues will be dropped against my daughter and her husband!  This is a relief honestly because I know my daughter has sissues, but I could not imagine her doing those things...but one never really knows sometimes huh?  At any rate, the boys were to be released back to her custody yesterday.  One good thing is that she is allowing the older boy to stay with us.  The therapist did speak to cps about how he was doing, and she honestly said he just could not handle being moved and especially where he felt unsafe and scared.  She was afraid he'd just shut down totally.  So for now, he is here still with us.  The little fella apparently was not treated anywhere near as bad as the older one.  That is good to know, but I think it may be because he has been around him since he was an infant, and he does not know his biological father at all.  So my basic fear still remains the same now...the abuse of the prescription drugs by my daughter and her husband.  When my daughter arrived to get the little fella, I was very happy that her sister in law had driven them here as it is a 3 hour drive.  The sis in law is not a drug abuser, but I could tell my daughter had taken something between the time they left there and arrived here.  Her eyes were slanty (so to speak), and she could barely keep them open!  She claimed the ride wears her out...she takes me for a fool.  She was slurring her words too.  I wonder if the sis in law is aware?  I give up though as far as cps is concerned.  They did not address the issues of abuse to my grandsons at all.  Even though it was noted some of the meds were missing when we picked them up!  My thinking is this...the girl lied about the sexual abuse, so they were falsely arrested and held for 2 weeks.  The children were removed from them for a month, these charges and their photos were plastered all over papers and tv news it appears that there will be lawsuits filed, SOOOO I think cps is just trying to do damage control and so they are not addressing the issues with the boys.  Just my guess of course.  The juvenile system is trying now to decide a course of action for the girl that lied.  Possibly juvenile detention and charges  for her.  I guess a lot of my hard work was for not in this case.  I had appointments set up for the little one for medical evaluation (very intensely hyperactive, could be due to environment but wanted to rule out other issues), had appointments set for prep for Head Start School Program, had gotten him enrolled in the daycare/preschool and he attended a few weeks there before leaving, had doctor appointments for physical well check set up (already took care of updating his immunizations), and I got him in the W.I.C. nutrition program!  At least we know we did care for him to the best of our ability, and even though it is a lot quieter and calmer here I miss him already.  I sure hope the older one is left alone, and of course his therapy will continue.  School will be out the 18th of this month.  I plan to get a family pool pass for the summer, as the children are excited about swimming.  My husband and I can go to supervise and also enjoy a refreshing dip if we want.  That is if I manage to drop the 20 pounds before June!!!  lol  Of course I have a swim suit that provides appropriate coverage at any all is well.  Now that the little one is not here I plan to start again on my exercise and walking routine.  I now have to begin the process of planning the two childrens birthday parties.  They are both in June, and only 9 days apart!  *sigh*.  One wants ice skating party now instead of sleepover, then I may have a park picnic after with cake and other treats.  Not sure what the little fella will want to do yet.  Well, I need a nice cup of coffee now ladies.  My husband is home from work sick today, so I need to attend to those things as well.  Thank you for the support through the ordeal we have experienced...I hope things will calm down even more and stay that way now!
I am so very, very tired. Been a long day my friends. Daughter and her husband arrested and charged with sexualt assault of a child and child endangerment on Thursday morning. Child protective services called me (imagine that).  I HAVE BOTH OF THE BOYS NOW!  My husband and I drove 6 hours round trip to go get them, and of course they came to us with 2 outfits each, no pj's, no underpants etc. Grandson has some meds missing AGAIN! I counted it out right in front of the cps supervisor and said I want that documented!  I also noted his needed meds for the bowels were never opened...cps said they asked my daughter if the child had the bowel disorder, she denied it! I said I can get the doctors statement!  I doubt they will be bonded out because they were arrested while already out on bond for other previous charges...good grief.  Looks like I may have 3 children for a while huh?  It will be a rough ride initially I'm sure, but we will manage. I am glad they are safe...but I am pretty sure that supervisor I had argued with last week is eating crow today! (she came up and introduced herself by name, and I said I am the cranky grandma!!) She KNOWS exactly how I feel. Girls I need rest in a major wat now. I will fill you in more later on. Thanks for all the support during our ordeal, keep sending prayers...PLEASE!  J
I want to thank you wonderful ladies for all your support as of late.  I honestly am a bit too emotional to tell the whole story right now.  All I will say for now it was horrible watching this little 8 year old sobbing his eyes out and being forced into the truck with his mom, even though he was saying he did not want to go.  Please keep him in your thoughts for now as I am VERY worried about his well being and safety.  I'll post when I have had time to collect myself.  J
I am so upset I didn't go to work.  I never miss work, but my heart feels like it has been cut out.  My daughter is in one of her bipolar rages again.  She went to court today about her assaulting that girl in the courthouse, and was told she needs to get a lawyer as she is facing jail time, but probably just probation. She goes to trial April 18.  But sadly here is my dilemma girls...she is now very paranoid, and has sent me 2 text messages and has screamed at me on the phone as well (she is clearly out of control), she is threatening to come and pick up my grandson and take him back again.  He has been here 3 weeks and is quite frankly a real psychological mess.  If she does this I fear he will totally just shut down all together.  He is so terrified he sleeps in our room now and is doing better.  My husband said he woke up at almost 1 am and just said "papa?", and my husband answered with just "yes?" and he laid back down to very scared and insecure.  Now if she shows up to rip him out of our home and school again...I fear the worst for him.  She probably needs him to come back so she can have him babysit all day for the 3 year old so she can be in a drug induced haze!  There isn't a thing I can do about it either.  I am angry that she tells me when she gave him to me again that her reason was because her husband is mean to him and mistreats him and he isn't happy...yet she is willing to take him back there anyway???  Girls I feel defeated at this point.  Nothing I have done has ultimately helped to assure his safety...I have had no help what so ever from child protective services.  So here I will sit just waiting for her to show up and destroy this little boy again.  Sorry I just had to vent...I am so so exhausted and angry right now.  J
What a rough week for my little 8 year old grandson. He did tell school counselor about abuses, and it was so hard not to just bawl hearing what he told. The school hot lined it, the CPS came and spoke to him in my home. He repeated what he told school for the most part, but he was so scared he was shaking and counselor noted this. So sad. The cruel things being done to those two boys makes me sick. My DD tried to call within a few hours of this, so CPS did go to their home! My DD said she told CPS the locks were on outside of bedroom door to "protect" the younger one age 3 from getting out at night! I asked her what about the 8 year old????? She told me he was put in locked room fro behaviors he was exhibiting. I reminded her she told me the hospital diagnosis for his behavior (she told me herself) was the environment and instabiltiy! Not HIS fault! I would love to see actual report, and I plan to make sure a copy is sent to the pediatrician I use here or CPS or both! I then asked my DD what did all that have to do with her husband HITTING these kids in the face and with a cutting board! Was that for "protection" too??? My older grandson had a melt down this am, just a sudden burst of tears and ran to hide! I held and rocked him and told him he was safe here. I asked if there was more he had to tell, and he said he didn't want to tell... :'( I suggested that instead of talking about it maybe he could write what he wanted to say. He sat down and began to write, and then I told him to place the paper in his school folder and he could give it to the person he chose at school, teacher or counselor. He said okay. I read it after he went to play, and I am embarrassed to say I bawled like a baby! I am so angry at my DD and her husband. This child had written that son in law "makes him be spanked whenever he gets bored", and he makes everyone come in the living room to watch him (step siblings that DO NOT get abused he said, mom, his little brother) so it embarrasses him...the spelling was wrong but you can tell what he was trying to say. He wrote that step dad told him whenever he is bored he will "nock" him upside the head to "were" he will go flying through the walls. He wrote at the end that he was told not to tell "enyone" about the paddle.  >:( I plan to call school Monday and request a copy put in his school file,and I want that sent to CPS as well). I plan to also call law enforcement and see if I can make a report in this town, or if I need to notify prosecutor in that town, or will CPS report this or what? I NEED to help that younger child get out of that environment too, as this one is worried. I hope this is not too graphic to post Luise, and I do NOT need legal or medical advice of course, I just need a place to rant and I feel safe doing it here. If you opt to remove my post I will understand. It is just nice to get support here from this web site. Now I'm off to get a book report started, and need to quiz on multiplcation math facts after that! Blessings to you all on here.   J
I just posted a few days ago that DD left new husband for another fella in another town due to her husband not treating my grandsons well....okay, it has been a few days and things have changed once again!  No surprise right?  DD went right back to her husband as I figured she might.  I heard word last night from another source that my DD may be calling me and asking me to take the oldest of the 2 grandsons because her husband just does not like him  :o!!!  I plan to call her first today, and find out if I CAN have him! If so, the very first thing I plan to do is notify child protective services AGAIN and update on all current issues, THEN I plan to rush to the courthouse and apply for emergency custody or guardianship of the little guy!!! My DD is a total mess, and this has gone on far, far too long. I am crossing my fingers on this newest developement. Oh yeah, another possible motive for DD doing this...she can only recieve welfare $ on this child for maximum of 5 years if I understand that law right...his time is up, she has probably been told she can't draw it anymore, but that is purely a guess on my part.  I wish there was a way to petition the court for guardianship of DD, but legally since she is married I doubt that would be possible...too bad.  Thanks for letting me ramble again, good grief.  J
Once again the lovely DIL pulled her usual control stunts.  Good thing I was actually prepared for something to occur so it was not as devastating as her and the FOO hoped!  Here is how the visit went...I went to the scheduled meeting place DS and I agreed upon.  Well he shows up, but only has the oldest grandaughter with him!  (the one that is 13 and pregnant).  There I was holding Valentines Day gifts for both girls, and they knew I had planned to also give both girls birthday gifts and shop with them a little.  He was embarrassed and felt guilty, but we really couldn't discuss much since grandaughter was right there.  He told me that he was NOT aware until he was ready to meet me that day, DIL and her sister made other arrangements and decided my younger grandaughter needed to shop with DIL's sister for her to buy her a birthday gift instead of coming with DS to meet me.  lol  Are they nice or what?  I know for a fact that the DIL's family ALWAYS hold a family birthday party for the girls (only for HER family though), so I guarantee the DIL's sister was at that party and already in fact gave her a gift.  It was just something they did to be nasty since this arrangement was made between me and my son a week ago.  Oh well, nothing I can do about it.  Son did hug me and was happy to see me and I was happy to see him too.  Grandaughter I can tell has an attitude, and said maybe 2 words to me. DS had to tell her to say thank you when I gave her all her gifts even...are you kidding me???  Was she not taught any manners at all?  She was too busy with her new MP3 player to visit.  He said maybe I can meet him next weekend to see other grandaughter?  I didn't really respond to that though because I need to take a moment to think about my response.  I think I will say this to him...when you have grandaughter with you, and there is no interference give me a call and we'll meet.  I refuse to plan again so DIL can be a witch and play her games, I won't buy into it!  lol  Then here is the real news item of this story!!!  As we parted ways after our meeting, I stopped to talk to a gal that works where my husband works.  So lo and behold who did I find sneaking behind me and had been there watching the meeting (she thought I had already left the mall apparently so she didn't see me standing where I was)...DIL'S MOTHER!!!  Good grief are these people odd or what?  I just shook my head and went about my business.  At any rate I am happy with at least seeing my son, and hugging him, so all is well.  We will see what happens next!