January 18, 2021, 05:29:01 am


"Welcome to WiseWomenUnite.com -- When adult children marry and leave home, life can sometimes get more complex instead of simpler.  Being a mother-in-law or daughter-in-law can be tough.  How do we extend love and support to our mothers-in-law, adult children, daughters-in-law, sons-in-law, and grandchildren without interfering?  What do we do when there are communication problems?  How can we ask for help when we need it without being a burden?  And how do our family members feel about these issues?  We invite you to join our free forum, read some posts... and when you're ready...share your challenges and wisdom."

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Messages - Evalyn

Thank you Luise, yes please close this thread.
Wise advice from Luise and well worth taking.  If you carry on with having him at home and abusing your kindness, he is not going to change at all. He needs to stand on his own two feet and find his own way in the world. How you achieve this is not for me to say, it is not an easy thing to deal with.
Having a cordial, respectful relationship with your SIL is a very positive thing. Is it possible she is very busy, looking after her three children, therefore she doesn't have time for close friends of her own. Some people are like that by nature, their main focus in life is their DH and children.
Perhaps as her children grow up, she will be more inclined to gravitate towards you for friendship? She may well have more time in her life then, to meet up with you, for coffee, or even a meal. Time can cure a lot of things. It is good that you can get along amicably and have a good relationship with your DB. Please cherish that.
Thank you, do you think maybe, I was focusing on the loss of the gold bracelet, because I haven't been able to face the enormity of losing my DH? We were so close, since he retired 10 years ago, we were together much of the time.
Time for me to brave and adjust to my new life. At least I have a home and my little dog. A new great grandchild on the way, I heard yesterday. My GD is keen to involve me in her Christmas celebrations. I have much to be thankful for. Coming here has given me a different outlook on things. Many thanks. :)
Thank you very much Luise, I will try and follow your advice.
I have a lot of photos of my DH, wearing the bracelet, I bought it for him and he loved it. He wore it all the time until he was too thin and ill to have it on.  Stepson even went to the undertakers, to try and get the wedding ring and gold half sovereign ring I had bought him. Even when he was on speaking terms with his father, he rarely came to see him. DH had to make the first move. SS has always been very materialistic. We never did get on very well, as our outlook on life was totally different. My DH always had to tread carefully with him.
What does hurt is the way he suddenly made friends with my youngest daughter and her three daughters. They barely spoke to me at the funeral.  I know he says unkind things about people, in an attempt to be funny.  He is unable to keep a relationship going for long and he is 39 now and gay. He said I didn't give him any support when DH died. As he wasn't around much during the 5 weeks leading up to DH's death, I feel it was unfair.
He accused oldest DD of not being around until the day DH died. She was in contact daily, Helped organise the undertaker and the funeral. She really helped. Since then she has been in touch every day. I would have been very alone without her. Her daughter, my GD has been loving and caring too. The other DD has disappeared over the horizon. Apparently because I insisted on remaining close to oldest DD. I just can't understand people who behave like this.
Sorry for going on. Thank you for listening.
My husband died in July, my stepson came and helped himself to my husband's guitar, gold necklace and bracelet. within days. Later he came and asked for his rings. I had been married to my husband for 28 years and he left everything to me in his will. At first, I was grieving so much for my husband, I didn't give the taking of the gold much thought. I scraped together enough money to pay for the funeral myself. My DD helped with the flowers and organisation. Because of that, youngest DD (I have two) stopped speaking to me. At the funeral, Stepson made a real exhibition of himself, crying loudly, pushed me away when I put my hand on his elbow, sat on the other side of the church away from my family.
After five months, I found myself feeling deep resentment about my stepson taking the gold, I didn't mind him having the heavy gold necklace as I knew he would wear it, but I really, really want the bracelet. He took my DH's guitar as well. It is only the bracelet I mind so much about. I can't stop thinking about it and it is driving me crazy. Please can anyone help me get rid of this obsession? Asking for it back, brought forth a tirade of personal abuse. Not printable here. I just want peace of mind and to be able to move on. My DH died of cancer 5 weeks after diagnosis. I nursed him at home as I had promised to do. Stepson appeared the last few days and kept weeping all over DH. For 10 years up until last year, he didn't speak to DH.

I just don't know what to do. Thank you in advance. Evalyn.
Hi Clara, this is so very sad. I have known AS and AD's to deny contact with their children. Not that a rational reason is usually given.
I am going through something like this myself. The last time I saw my two ggc was at Christmas. In the case of your son, things are complicated by his PSTD. Is there any chance of you being able to talk to one of the people in charge of his care?
As your DS has separated from the mother of his child, he may be having custody/visitation issues as well.
There are lots of people here to listen and give support. You are not alone.
So pleased for you Whitney. As time goes by, I am sure you will remember the happy parts of the day and the negative parts fade away.
It is sad that your DH could not attend too. In future this may change. Your DIL will have more of a say in who attends their family events.
I wish you lots of love and happiness. Evalyn :)
The main thing is for you to be able to see your GC.  May I suggest you share the precious time allotted to your DS? I don't think it would make much difference to your GC at all where you see them. It could possibly cause tension if you see them at exDIL's home at the moment.

What is important for your GC is to feel the love from your DH and DS. Creating happy memories and having a nice time. Who knows, in time, your DS may get more time allowed with the GC, especially if the court knows he has your support and help. It may be a good idea to wait for exDIL to make contact with you.
I can see how awkward this is for you. Have you tried talking to your DH and DS explaining how desperate you are to see your grandchildren?

Regarding the in-laws and the emails, I think you can cover that (should they ask) by saying you were worried about upsetting DS.

I am inclined to think they would be happy to welcome you back into the fold. They love the GC too and it seems to me they recognise the value for them of having you in their lives.

If it were me, I would follow my heart.
There are many types of mental disorders. I would venture to suggest your DS does need a professional diagnosis. However, if he won't seek help that makes the situation very difficult.
The main question is whether or not he is a danger to himself or anyone else. If he is not at risk to himself or anyone else, he cannot be compelled to go to hospital.
My personal feeling is that if I were in your situation, I would go and talk to my Doctor, in confidence. This is a good way to find out what your options are. There may be lots of ways to help your DS that you haven't heard about.
I have some personal experience in this area. My Doctor was very helpful in finding ways to help the relative with problems. It is of course up to you, but I do feel this might be a useful way to go.
If I were the mother of a DS with such obvious problems, I would see my own Doctor to seek advice. I don't think your DS is likely to agree to any therapy right now. It could possibly help you and DH to cope with the effect he is having on you both. The anxiety must be very hard to bear.

Here is a useful link explaining what CBT is and the ways it can help.

adlara13, welcome to WWU. I agree with the others, it's your baby shower, so you and your DD choose the guests. MIL can host her own shower. Plain speaking seems to be needed with her. People like her seem to look on tact as weakness.
What the other relative did at your daughter's wedding was absolutely appalling. I do hope with time the happy memories will predominate and the unpleasant ones recede.
I hope you have a wonderful time at the baby shower. Personally, I would completely ignore any unpleasantness from your ex's family and do my own thing.
Hello SadToTheCore,

If you and your DH are able to present a united front, by refusing to listen to abusive talk from your DS, it might help. He seems to need clear boundaries.

A strong relationship with your DH is really important to maintain family harmony. You have your AD's a GC to consider. They need you and want you in their lives.

You can't do much to change your DS but you can change your attitude. One way is to lower your expectations of your DS. As has been said already, he does seem to have had some kind of problem that caused the personality change.

I am not in any way qualified to make suggestions as to what it was. However, it would be a good idea to discuss the situation with your Doctor. The Doctor may be able to advise you what may be causing the problem.

There may be help available for your DS in the community. Suitable accommodation for instance. I do think seeing your Doctor could be reassuring, It may be that some kind of therapy other than counselling would help you.

Cognitive behaviour therapy is very useful. I had it myself, it was really good because it enabled me to stop worrying myself sick about things I couldn't control and to focus on the things I could change.