March 26, 2019, 12:12:06 pm


"Welcome to -- When adult children marry and leave home, life can sometimes get more complex instead of simpler.  Being a mother-in-law or daughter-in-law can be tough.  How do we extend love and support to our mothers-in-law, adult children, daughters-in-law, sons-in-law, and grandchildren without interfering?  What do we do when there are communication problems?  How can we ask for help when we need it without being a burden?  And how do our family members feel about these issues?  We invite you to join our free forum, read some posts... and when you're ready...share your challenges and wisdom."

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Messages - sadDIL

Wow! I know what you are going through. I have thought about seeing a counselor but I haven't gone through with it. My relationship with my ILs is non-existent, no contact whatsoever. They don't send grandkids or DH or I anything; no cards, no presents. But I still keep trying. I try to email about once a year, but it always gets thrown back in my face. Either way, I'm proud of you for taking the steps you needed to take to move on. Don't let her use you; however, if your hubby is like mine, he doesn't seem to care either way. It's a crazy situation that makes life miserable for everyone involved. Hugs to you!
I am a DIL and I too have asked my ILs if we could talk. I asked MIL through email a year ago if DH and I could call her together. She refused and told us to become facebook friends. Neither of us thought this was a good idea, but after a few weeks we accepeted anyway. There has been hurt seeing posts and comments from each side. We have "chatted" on FB but still no calls. I asked again a couple of months ago and was verbally attacked by FIL. Now there is nothing again, just like on and off for the past 4 years. This is crazy!

I would like to think that maybe your DIL is hurting and wants to talk it over. She may be like me - I don't want a butch session, but I do want to have a relationship with them. All of us have done and said things we regret, but families should learn to forgive. Maybe your DIL has hurt you, but maybe she and your son are hurting as well. If there are kids involved, well that makes it even worse. I can take things for so long, but I refuse to let my children get hurt in the process. I then turn into a lioness and protect them! LOL!  >:(

You may not want to meet with her right away, but at least take the time to give her the benefit of the doubt. All DILs aren't evil. Sometimes there is more to them than you will ever know. My ILs like to write blogs about things they don't even know about. Dhe may have things in her past, or medical problems, or anything that she and your son deal with that you have no idea about, just like you may as well. But don't give up on her or your son until you at least make an effort.
Even though I know I will get a lot of he** for this, I could have been the DIL that wrote this. I'm not going to agree or disagree but I believe there are always 2 sides to every story. Even though I know I have been in the right sometimes, so has she. And vice versa. Probably some of those things may not have happened that way or even at all, but you need to understand that she believes it did. Maybe both of you should talk and ask her why she thinks that. I wish my ILs would do that. I've realized over the years that I have acted immaturely and mean, BUT so have they. If you want a relationship, maybe you should try to talk to her and your son and the grandchildren. If she wants you around more, then think about reasons why she would think you weren't. Try to talk to her because she's probably hurting as much as you and she probably wants to have a better relationship with you.   
Thanks Creme. I know I haven't been the ideal DIL but they haven't been ideal ILs either. They have posted blogs on the internet about how awful I am and DS is dead to them as long as he is with me. It will always be a blame game, but for 3 1/2 years I have tried to no avail to have contact with them. They won't speak to DS or grandchildren either. They just send them $50 at Christmas addressed to DS and them. I don't know whether to give up or keep trying. I am like some of you - it eats away at me nonstop. I think about this all the time. DH cannot fathom why it bothers me so bad and for the life of me, I can't either. Maybe I need counseling to learn to let go.
I wish my MIL would read my posts. Even though I have only posted a few times, I sincerely meant what I said. I love reading others' posts on a daily basis. Every time I have tried to tell ILs how I feel, they take everything backwards and accuse me of being hateful. If I said I wanted things to get better, they would probably say "only so you can make things worse again." I can't win with them and it hurts to even try.
I'm not writing to cause trouble, but as a DIL I would be very upset by this card. Like other posters have said, I would have first been upset that it came months later and then had a message to son in it as well. Also, don't sign the card "from your husband's mom and dad". If you don't feel comfortable having her call you mom and dad, then just sign it with your names. I would take this as "I only love my son and not you"

I know that my viewpoint may be skewed since I have MIL/FIL issues as well. I do take things to heart and my feelings always get hurt in the process. I wouldn't have even posted about this, but seeing that even MILs see this as possibly hurtful, makes me feel that maybe I am justified (sometimes) in getting upset over things like this.
I feel the same way but from the DIL point of view. I have tried many times to mend things between myself, DH, MIL, FIL and SIL. There is still a lot of pain from all of us. We are starting slowly. I tried to ask a couple of months ago if we could talk (via email) and MIL got all upset saying she didn't want to be yelled at. DH intervened and told her I wasn't going to yell at her and she was jumping to conclusions again and that I have been the only one of us who has even tried to have contact over the past 3 1/2 years. Now we are "friends" on facebook and have chatted a few times over unimportant stuff. She sent me a message saying Merry Christmas, I love you which only confused me more.

I didn't mean to post such a long reply, but I too am wondering where do we go from here? There is still a lot of pain and I don't know if I can ever really get over it. I know I have done many things over the years to hurt everyone, but they all have too and they refuse to take any blame for it. I have apologized over and over, but they won't. I have been told many times things like: Be the bigger person; you can only forgive yourself; they will regret it in the long run; etc. These statements don't really help because there aren't many people who understand all we have been through. Can time really mend wounds? Can we ever get over it and move ahead? How do we forgive others even if we have forgiven ourselves?
Oh this sounds so like mine. We haven't spoken to my IL's in over 3 years. I would love for all of us to be a family but they are tired of trying. Every time I try to send them a simple "Hey" email, it gets thrown back in my face. I cannot let it go because my family is so close and I really just don't understand how people could just shut out their own son. What can we do to mend things? Time isn't the answer because 3 years (almost 5 for SIL) should have been long enough. I can't make them like us, but I keep trying anyway. DH doesn't even want to try because it ends up as same ole same ole. I feel bad for my kids, myself, DH and them for not knowing any of us (especially their own grandchildren that they haven't seen in over 3 years). What do we do?
Daughter in Laws and/or Son in Laws / Re: SO SAD
September 09, 2009, 05:06:14 pm
I think it is sad that you are making a rash generalization about all DIL's. I haven't posted anything offensive here. In fact I've only posted a couple of times. This is a public website and it doesn't seem as if Luise minds us being on here at all. I agree that everyone (DILs and MILs alike), should keep a positive tone and be here to help each other.
I wasn't trying to cause conflict. I have seen that website and no that's not the one he wrote. It was first written on his blog and copied to several other sites I have also seen. I agree that we shouldn't post the website, but don't play it off as if it is yours. I am not trying to stand up for him, after all the things he has written about me. I promise you that. I'm sorry everyone on this site is hurting in one way or another, but we have to come together to keep our own sanity. I know I am a DIL not a MIL, but sometimes we are hurting too. I started reading this forum to try and understand where I could have gone wrong, because my ILs really HATE me! I don't hate them like they think but they have always thrown in snide remarks that everything is my fault. As usual, there are 2 sides to every story. One day, maybe they will want to hear mine.
Yes he is (unless he stole it from somewhere, but I really doubt it). I can email you the link to his "wonderful" blog where it is posted, but I don't want to post it on here.

Our battles began many years ago. DH and I started dating in 1993 when I was 17 and he was 18. Yes we are still together and have 2 children. It has been a constant struggle with them. I would never say that it is all their fault and I know I have been partly to blame. BUT, I am not the total blame. There are many stories that I could tell where it was their fault and there are many I could tell that were my fault. The reason we haven't spoken is that we moved out of state away from them (and away from my own parents as well) to get better jobs (like over $20K more a year) and better schools for my children. I am a teacher and I would not even send my own children to the public schools there. If you reread How a daughter... then this is the last step. HAHA!

I have tried to reconnect with them and much of the time I feel like giving up. DH has given up and doesn't care to have anything to do with them at all. I know it hurts him tremendously to do so, but his own father posted that he was dead to them because of me. How unfair is that a man would choose to have a good life with the woman and children he loves and get disowned?!?!?!

I wonder to the MILs out there, have any of your DILs tried to reconnect and you refuse to do so? I don't understand when I have begged for DH and my childrens' sake to get over this. It's really sad and everyone tells me what goes around comes around, but it's hard to believe that when you are constantly hurting like we are.
Prissy, did you ever quote the author of this? It happens to be my FIL writing about me. It's funny though that I would admit to it. I have tried very unsuccessfully to get along with my ILs. We no longer speak to any of them. My DH hasn't spoke to his only sister in almost 5 years and we haven't spoken to his parents in over 3 years. I have emailed, sent B-day and anniversary wishes, let the grandchildren call them and they don't seem to care. Sometimes it's not only MILs who have had their heart broken, but their son's (and DILs) heart may be broken as well.

I keep hoping that it's not too late to mend things, but with their attitudes, it probably is.