October 31, 2020, 09:58:37 am

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"Welcome to WiseWomenUnite.com -- When adult children marry and leave home, life can sometimes get more complex instead of simpler.  Being a mother-in-law or daughter-in-law can be tough.  How do we extend love and support to our mothers-in-law, adult children, daughters-in-law, sons-in-law, and grandchildren without interfering?  What do we do when there are communication problems?  How can we ask for help when we need it without being a burden?  And how do our family members feel about these issues?  We invite you to join our free forum, read some posts... and when you're ready...share your challenges and wisdom."


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Messages - freespirit

1
Adult Sons and/or Adult Daughters / Re: My story
November 04, 2014, 01:54:15 am
Boudica, Hope you are all right. And hope sharing this terribly devastating story might release some of your pain, and send it way up yonder into the galaxies, where it will never return again.

Have you heard these quotes before?

The way people treat you, is a statement about who they are as a human being; it is not a statement about you. Stop spending time and thoughts with those who suck the happiness out of you; go where you are celebrated, not where you are tolerated.

To me, those are the answers in a nut shell. I know -- easier said than done -- but all you need to do is take that first baby step to a new life; YOUR life.
2
Pooh, what a wise post. Thank you.

I'm very grateful that the decision has been taken off my shoulders. Last night  my son came by, and we had a very long talk. He  doesn't have it easy with his wife,...but  I told him, if he always gives in,... if she always gets her way,... he loses a little of his own  identity, pride, and beliefs. He agreed. And he agreed that  their  over-protectiveness is ridiculous. I told him we too have our pride, and when I see other grandmothers that are about 30 years older than I am,  taking their grandchildren for a walk,... I  resent my son and DIL for taking that experience away from me.

He understood, and he said it will change.
So we have made headway,...and  it goes to show  we don't have to swallow everything.

For if love is in the air,...  there is  usually a way. If we all continue to suffer in silence,... that's when problems can grow into mountains. I know,  of course,  that it isn't possible to solve every problem this way,... but it's at least worth a try. I wasn't sure at all how this  would turn out,... but I'm so glad I risked it, because I was  not willing  to continue to be treated like  an incapable grandmother with no common sense.

3
I'm sure I've said this before, but  you are such a role model for so many of us. Thank God you are taking care of yourself, like  you do. We need you.  :)

4
If I write anything, it would be at the most a two liner... but my stomach is so tied in knots... I will  wait on this, and in the end probably do nothing, and just like you said, not give them a chance to twist my words around.

I really like my signature here too... if only I could follow my own advice. haha...but I'm getting there...with each and every disappointment... I find myself recovering quicker,..and feeling more liberated.

Thank you so much Luise. Sending you a gentle hug back.
5
Thank you Luise for your fast reply. I hope you are well, and happy.

I haven't been around much... just trying to figure out things on my own...  but  it truly helps to vent here. You have confirmed my own feelings. It's more painful to take this  psychological abuse then to forfeit seeing our grandsons. I'm not sure if I should write my son and DIL a letter, telling  them either they trust us with our grandsons, or we will have to go our separate ways. Or... just say nothing,... and  they'll figure it out.  I just want this over with.
6
My son and his family live only 10 minutes from us. But not once have I ever had either of my grandsons for even half an hour alone. The parents have forbidden us to drive the children anywhere, pick them up, or even go for walks with them. Why? Because my DIL is overly anxious, a mother smother, and a choleric basket case. And the worst part is: my son supports her sick mind.

We have our 8 year old granddaughter regularly. We've gone RVing with her, and have even traveled to other countries on vacations. These two extreme examples, as how our sons/ DILs trust us with their child/children... are so extremely opposite -- it's ridiculous.

I'm not asking them if we can take our grandsons, ( 6 and 4), on vacation. I simply asked if the older son, could come over for an afternoon, and paint some pictures with me.

My son exploded, screaming at me: "What I say is law! No way will we ever let the boys visit you alone! You may just drive off to - who knows where- with them! " 

(.... I know -- we were speechless too.)

So my question is.... How much should we grandmothers swallow, just for the sake of harmony? Frankly, I feel such an overwhelming disappointment in my son... I can't even put it into words. He had a wonderful childhood, (which he has told us many times). There is absolutely no reason for him to treat us like this, other than -- he chooses to support his wife's insecurities and panic attacks.

As much as I love my two grandsons, I feel even sorrier for them. They are smothered and crushed from her dominance.  The older one has so many different ticks, I've lost count. The younger one is terribly aggressive, and as I've mentioned in another post, my DIL has even been kicked out of a kindergarten because of her dictating angry  behavior.

My husband and I don't want to be added to their club of manipulative suckers. My youngest grandson's birthday is coming up. I can imagine they will ask us to come over, and they'll act sickly sweet, as if nothing has happened. I'm not sure what to do. What's worse? Staying in contact, and tolerating their behavior? Or breaking off all ties and hoping that someday, when my grandsons are old enough: they'll come visit us on their own--if we're lucky -- before they turn 40.  ???
7
Adult Sons and/or Adult Daughters / Re: iPhone Rescue
September 04, 2014, 02:04:11 am
Pen, I could  hear your flight instructor.  :D...  I have a somewhat similiar story.

My mantra is something  my mother once said. While on vacation in Budapest, she fell down two stairs, in a  poorly lit, split level restaurant . She landed on the adjacent  table, right in the middle of the goulash. Anyway, she broke almost all her ribs. She was 70 years old then.  Her Hungarian doctor  spoke  very little English, but  the words that he constantly repeated,  truly comforted her:  " It could beeeeee  mucha mora baaaader. " He  would give her a big smile, and she actually did feel better. She could have broken her legs and arms too....whatever....

I say this alot, when I think, thank goodness  my family is healthy, my grandchildren are healthy... ....even when my sons are rude: " It could beeeeee  mucha mora baaaader. "  :)
8
When adult children desert us, I believe we do go through a mourning period, as if someone has died.  Allow yourself this time. And with time, you will see their actions more  clearly, and ask yourself why you could even miss people  who treat you that way. You will become stronger, deal with the mess they left  behind, pick yourself up,  and march into a freer carefree life.
Wishing  you strength and hopefully support  from your loved ones.
9
Adult Sons and/or Adult Daughters / Re: iPhone Rescue
August 31, 2014, 04:02:50 am
Hi Carol,

I hear you. And although I  had a hard time believing this, I figured out the only reason  why my son treated me so badly was  because he was unhappy with his own life --  and he was jealous of mine. He was  confronted with many things: finances,  divorce,  custody etc.... His life was in shambles compared  to mine.  To top that off,  we too gave our children a harmonious peaceful  childhood,  without worries, stress, or grief. So maybe  the transistion to adulthood,  was a shocking revelation, which  our  offspring  weren't prepared to handle. I think they are having tantrums in their adult years. So what did we do when they were in their terrible two's? I left  the room and let them have their tantrum all by themselves.
Whatever... drive carefully to your cottage by the sea...tank up. All you can do is let go and allow them the space and time to  figure out life on their own. I know it hurts...and it shouldn't be that way, but still, ... believing in them, and in the loving upbringing they were priveledged to have, will shine through... sometime down the road. ... just not now.
In my son's case, I believe his  new girlfriend is a positive influence. Still, I have my guard up..and won't allow him to hurt me anymore. And maybe he senses that, which is good. When he does get that way,..I'm  gone. We used to protect our children, now we need to protect ourselves.  8)
10
:o 8) ;D :P

Sooo cool ! Yes!  That's what it's all about!
11
Sweety, the last thing you seem to be is crazy. Hats off to you , dear lady, for returning to college. You  are in control of your life, and you have  goals.

Sounds to me like your offspring are jealous. Maybe they  think you should give them the money instead of  taking courses. I  have often found that it comes down to money, and  that  our  adult children  feel entitled.

Whatever the reason...it never ever justifies such  behavior.

Although I know very well, how disapointing it can be --  like Lilly said, our senior years aren't like we imagined them to be. Let their horrid behavior spurn you on. Get that degree...and  show 'em...show the world... fly high and  pick friends that  are proud and happy for you.

I read  a quote today, that makes alot of sense to me, and maybe to you too.
"When I loved myself enough I began leaving whatever wasn't healthy. This meant people, jobs, my own beliefs and habits - anything that kept me small. My judgment called it disloyal.  Now I see it as self-loving." 

We  came into this world alone, and will leave it ...alone. You got to love yourself, and  if you really do,...it  doesn't matter that much what others say or that  they even try to hurt you. All that matters is you!
12
Luise,  all these amazing women are gathered here under your wing.

Lilly, I couldn't have said that better  myself. A mother's love may be unbreakable, but a mothers "LIKE" is not.  It's a two way street:
YES!
We  can like someone, without loving the person.
And 
We can love someone, without liking the person, (at least at times.)
And THAT  makes the difference on  how well we can cope with our adult children's  selfish and rude behavior. 

Shiny, that's a good point. In fact, I believe many children are influenced more by their peers than their parents.

Meanwhile my son is being nice. ... sure I love him....but I'm very careful about liking him.
13
Stilllearning, did you hear my "HA"!  ;D? You are so right....we need to get away and just concentrate on us. We are planning on that, I hope, pretty soon.

Hi Sarah, thanks for your suggestions. I hope I'm handling it as best as I can.  As far as time alone with my DS,  I think Lilly answered that for me. I'm really not keen on that. Frankly...I'm simply looking forward to a time out. I believe my  son owes me an apology too,... but  grass would  grow on the moon before that would  ever happen.

I'm slowly but surely learning to find my own pleasures, without missing  or  needing my sons to provide good times for or with me. Sure grandchildren are connected to seeing my sons, ..and although I love them dearly, they aren't the core in my life either. I'm so glad I got to this independent place. I love this free feeling.
14
Thanks Fafe. Ungrateful...that's what they are... (They should write a  song about that). I think I would have told my son, right in his face, how ungrateful he is. It's incredible...We weren't like that, were we? I was  grateful for every little thing my parents did for me. What did our parents do differently?  I wonder. 

Well the latest news update in;...When the stomach turns.... is -- I  told my husband, without crying (patting myself on  the back  here),  that I rather live alone, and deal with problems alone, then  be burdened by his silent  presence,  and even worse, him taking sides against me. Well, in reply, he sent our son an email, telling him he wants to meet up with him and have a man to man talk. He then swore that he would never react  like that again.
Only time will tell, but I saw in his eyes, that he is taking me seriously, probably for the first time ever. I pray it will remain so.
This morning got an email  from our son. He just doesn't get it.  All he did was rehash how he thought I meant it, without acknowledging that  he  totally misunderstood me. Oh well...I need  a  time out. Breathe deeply... that's really what it's all about, right? Breathing and letting go...
15
Good grief,...Miss Understood, are there more of that  kind???

I'm afraid you're  right about my son.  Something  is wrong with him, but he  won't let anyone get close enough to help him or  find out what it is.  I wish it were  different,  but,  the main  thing is,..I have  learned not to let his behavior upset me as much as it used to. I'm more upset with my husband's behavior.

......Men......  :P.......that's all I can say  right now.

I'm  exhausted, going to call it a night here -- on the other side of the pond. Honestly... being pissed  off is more exhausting than  marathon racing,  ( not that I've ever done that ..just sayin').  I feel, though, that  I'm back in the saddle, I'm holding the reigns, thanks to you gals.  :-*