July 20, 2019, 03:58:15 pm

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"Welcome to WiseWomenUnite.com -- When adult children marry and leave home, life can sometimes get more complex instead of simpler.  Being a mother-in-law or daughter-in-law can be tough.  How do we extend love and support to our mothers-in-law, adult children, daughters-in-law, sons-in-law, and grandchildren without interfering?  What do we do when there are communication problems?  How can we ask for help when we need it without being a burden?  And how do our family members feel about these issues?  We invite you to join our free forum, read some posts... and when you're ready...share your challenges and wisdom."


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Messages - gettingoldandcranky

1
pattiann - I really feel your pain.  We went through this when our first grandchild came and it has continued over the years.  About 8 years now and it still hurts.  There are many great moms in this site and lots of great advice.  The only thing that helps is time.  I am currently trying to lessen the phone calls and contacts.  The visits happen only if we push and go to them.  To visit us is such a chore for them.  They can visit her mom, their friends; but a visit to us is like visiting Siberia, I guess.  It helps to have support from other friends and family and fill in your time with things and people that you enjoy.
I believe my son knows in his heart that the relationship that he has with us is not a choice that he would make for him (or his kids).  I believe it makes his life easier to go along with wife's wishes not to spend time with us.  So it works for him.  Sad, but his choice.
If the get togethers are hurtful, I stay away and ask to visit on a different day when her mom is not there.  I seem to allow them to make me feel invisible and unworthy if I attend when all eyes are on the "wonderful, perfect" grandma.
Keep coming here when you are down.  It will get better.  Remember that you did your best to be a great Mom, and hopefully, in his heart, your son knows that.
2
If you read my past posts you can see that my husband and I are going through this also.  My DIL's mother stays with them for weeks.  My DIL takes the kids to her mother's home and stays there for school breaks and over the summer for extended visits, sometimes leaving my son,( her husband, the kids father,) home alone working.  After many years of banging my head and much crying I am realizing that what happens in their life is their choice and I have no say in it.  We get a visit sometimes on holidays.  It is usually last minute, after hearing that "it's not right that DIL's mom is left alone" and then the night before we find out plans have changed and they come to us. It's hurtful every time.  Last year I was told that "MIL does not feel comfortable with us".  Does that mean that MIL is pushing us away?  Maybe it's her, maybe my DIL.  My son can advocate if he really wants to see us.  People do what they really want to do.  My husband and I are hurt, but after dealing with this for years we have no choice but to enjoy what we get.  This place has great support and has gotten me through so many of the down times.  Try not to make their choices personal to you.  You will get through this.  Sending hugs.
3
Daughter in Laws and/or Son in Laws / Re: Conflicted
September 19, 2018, 10:05:17 am
Frustrated Oma   I feel your pain.  It doesn't make sense and is hurtful.  The solution we have come up with when we are told there is no room for us at birthday parties:  We call on the birthday.  If there is no answer which is what always happens, we leave a message. Hopefully it is passed along, but we called and did what is in our hearts - wishing our loved grandchild a happy birthday.  We ask for a date when we can visit and when we go I bring balloons, cupcakes and we celebrate!  So far this has been allowed to happen fairly close to our grandchilds actual birthday.
A couple of times we were allowed to go to the celebratory party, but a majority of the birthdays there is "no room" for my DS family.
You will get through this and hopefully our grandchildren realize at some point that we love them even though we are not allowed to participate in their lives.
4
newgranny, I am so sorry for what you are going through.  It is such a wonder to have a new baby in the family. but then to have that joy taken away for no reason is heartbreaking.  I have been going through this for many years.  We have two grandchildren and live an hour away from my DS.  His MIL lives 4 hours away but is with them all the time.  When she visits, and stays for days, we were told we couldn't visit.  It still continues.  It hurts so much that we are not included in activities and our calls to check in or ask for a visit go unanswered.  When I do disconnect because I have had enough things can go silent for weeks.
I find it is better when I let things go and don't push or ask for anything. It only hurts me and their life goes on it's merry way.
We love them.  We have so much to offer - time, love, adventures.  They are missing out.  It is their choice.
Keep coming to this site.  So many go through this problem and it has been so helpful for me to come here and vent.
Good luck to you.  I hope that someday or sometime things change.  And whenever you do get to spend time with your grandson, enjoy and love him like crazy!
5
Adult Sons and/or Adult Daughters / Re: Just a venting day
September 06, 2018, 08:14:50 am
i am glad i came into this"venting" thread.  it is the opening of the school year where we live and all over social media i see pictures of kids on the first day.  i called my son to talk to my grands and wish them a good first day - no answer.  i emailed and texted and called again.  i texted at the end of the school day to please let them know that we were thinking of them.  no response.  my heart is heavy again.  it is so hard on these important days to be left out.  there is no understanding and i am lost in my unworthiness thoughts again.  i knew if i came here i would find others and suggestions.
i will find something to occupy my day and try again to move on. 
6
Hi Bookworm.  Sorry you are going through this.  You will find others here with very similar situations.  Lots of support here also.  The expectations are something i struggle with also.  Not just with my DS and DIL, but in other relationships too.  I am working on just doing what makes me happy and not expecting anything from others.  I like to buy for my grands, they love it.  I buy for my DIL and don't hear a thank you - ever.  Sometimes holidays are ignored. We are never contacted on our anniversary - I always send them a card and gift.  I try to do what I feel is right.  If they don't reciprocate, I am working on letting it go.  As time passes, it doesn't hurt as much. This year I am making my own plans for special occasions and if they participate it's a nice surprise.  A few times it was said that we wouldn't see them on special days and then their plans changed and we had a visit.
I had lent money a few times and really am gearing up to say no if asked again. I am not looking forward to that - hoping that it never happens. But will be ready when/if the time comes.
Will keep you in my thoughts.  Come here when you feel down.  It always helps me.
7
We have known dil for 15 years. I feel that she has no use for us - when they visit she is on her cell constantly or hiding in another room avoiding everyone.
She met someone whose name is spelled the same  as my hubby's but pronounces it differently, and now, 3 times so far, when we see her, she asks my hubby how he says his name! The first time she said "What is your name? How do you pronounce it?" He explained the family connection.  The second time, she did the same "What is your name?  I keep getting confused".  He is so unruffled but it bothers me no end.  This last visit it happened again.
How can you forget anyone's name, especially your fil's  - someone you've known for years?  We only see them about 3-4 times a year even though they live only an hour away. I questioned son this last time and he says the wrong name just slipped out. i say disrespectful!
I feel it is another way to show how little she thinks of us.  We do a lot for them - gifts, lending money.  We try to show love when we see them.  She doesn't deal with us often - how hard is it to suck it up for a few times a year and be gracious?
Bookmar
8
Someone at the party must have asked where his parents were.  I wonder, did she make up a story or tell the truth that she didn't invite you? I would let my son know the truth - that you were not invited.I agree about Karma.Or you could bring it up when you see her - say I am so disappointed that we didn't get to be at our son's birthday!  Sad and unnecessary to be cruel like this.     
9
cece - so sorry for what you are going through with your health.  do you need the added drama?  nope.  it's hard to put ourselves first when we want to do anything for those we love.  but a healthy you is most important.  i hope your son and dil come around and give you the support that you need.  this is a great place to vent and get support.  the ladies are truely wise women.
10
Adult Sons and/or Adult Daughters / Re: Easter
March 31, 2018, 06:38:38 am
so, the day before easter i find myself cleaning and cooking and shopping.  I decided to celebrate the holiday even without having my grandchildren with us. Why punish the rest of the family and not celebrate - it is a holiday with many happy memories that should not be given up because i feel sad.
My DS is now home alone, because his wife and kids are with her mom away for a week and SURPRISE!, he is coming for dinner with us.
I don't know why i am amazed when i come here and get support, try really hard to move on, and it just happens that something good works out to replace my negatives.
Not all that I wished for, but grateful for what i have.
Happy Easter, Passover, whatever brings you joy, to all my wonderful wise women!
11
Adult Sons and/or Adult Daughters / Easter
March 27, 2018, 07:32:30 am
I am constantly struggling with my relationship with DS and DIL.  Now another holiday.  I spoke with DS, and he seemed to not remember the holiday and tried to just gloss over it by saying "i think something's going on that wkend".
School is on break and DIL and grands are going away with her mom, again.  This is the second wk that they have visited DIL mom and stayed with her.  She spends wks at their place also. In January she was there in their home for 2 wks.  Over christmas i was told that DIL's mom doesn't feel comfortable with us. I had figured that because every time we want to visit and she is there, i am told we can't come.  It was a little shock to hear it said out loud, though.

So, the other grand is in control and gets unlimited visits and when she is there, we can't visit. I know i can't control this and I need to not compare and let it go.  It is just really hard.

My first reaction is to just cancel Easter celebration.  The rest of the family just wants a meal - whether a special holiday dinner or not they just want to get fed.  They don't care about decorations, easter egg hunt or baskets.

I know  that i need to make this a special day for the rest of the family, but my heart is not in it.
It is so hard to wade through this mess.

Thanks for listening.  I am so grateful to have this forum to come to and vent.
12
Daughter in Laws and/or Son in Laws / Re: Conflicted
February 27, 2018, 08:45:19 am
frustrated oma i feel your pain.  heartbreaking.  our ds has been married for years and the oldest child is 7.  we are left out constantly.  as of now, there have been many phone calls that are never returned.  if we get a response from a text or email, it is a miracle.
i am trying so hard to move on - pooh's post has been saved and re read many times.  i know that time is a factor is learning to live with reality.  it is a hard tunnel to get through and a hurtful struggle.  i have guilt, depression and can't figure out what happened.  this is a wonderful place to vent and read others journeys.
will send out prayers for you that you can take care of yourself and maybe get some good results in your relationship with your son
13
so very sorry to read this.  i am sure it is heartbreaking.  her explanation that the inlaws can't make it so that means you can't come makes no sense.  unfortunately, you are the one who klnows whether being honest with her will hurt or help your relationship.
i am in a similar situation.  sometimes i stay quiet and keep the peace. sometimes i speak up and deal with consequences. sometimes there are no consequences, which is a happy surprise.
one thing i did do when we started to be left out of my ds and dil lives was to stop giving money.  they don't have a connection to us then they don't need financial support from us.  things have improved with us - we see them on holidays and, if i push for a visit they let me come there.
good luck in your journey.  i always try to let ds know we love him.  nothing else to do when they don't want you around.
14
so i was set for a visit to ds and his family and got sick so i tried to call the night before to cancel.  he didn't answer, which is typical, and his vm is usually full so we can't leave messages.  i emailed to let them know.  dil responded - "oh, no. hope nothing major. when all in good health reschedule."  but not a peep from son.  no call, no email - no "how are you mom?".  sick and hurt, i emailed - disappointed in no call or check on your sick mom.

  we could disappear off the face of the earth and he wouldn't notice.  he never initiates contact and i miss him terribly.

i feel like i should ask for a one on one talk again, but that never seems to last.  he is not a child but doesn't seem to realize that life can change quickly and we might not be around forever and why doesn't he have the love for us that we have for him?
guess i am venting, again.  just hurts, every single time
15
just to throw this out there.  over the holidays my dil said she really didn't know how to pronounce my husbands name.  we have known her for 16 years!  it is a name that can be pronounced 2 different ways.  but we have know her for 16 years!!!!!!