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"Welcome to WiseWomenUnite.com -- When adult children marry and leave home, life can sometimes get more complex instead of simpler.  Being a mother-in-law or daughter-in-law can be tough.  How do we extend love and support to our mothers-in-law, adult children, daughters-in-law, sons-in-law, and grandchildren without interfering?  What do we do when there are communication problems?  How can we ask for help when we need it without being a burden?  And how do our family members feel about these issues?  We invite you to join our free forum, read some posts... and when you're ready...share your challenges and wisdom."


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Messages - LoveMyGrandkids

1
Grandchildren / Re: Different situation
September 12, 2012, 11:33:27 am
This GM thanks all of you for your kindness and support.  I think I know how to proceed.  The main thing for me will be to be sensitive to any undercurrents and deal with them directly.  I don't want to know private things about their marriage.  I just want the info I need to care for the little ones.  I think I have been a hostage to fear, and that must stop.  Seriously, if I am to be cut out, it will happen sooner or later regardless of what I do.  Who of us can live in relationships without ever making a wrong move?  It is my job to be loving and supportive.  In the end, the most loving thing I can do for those two tots that I love so deeply is support their parents marriage so their home is secure.  That is the greatest love of all.  Again, thank you all and I will pray that every broken heart represented here receives health and healing.  Good-bye!  Maybe I'll see some of you on the boards on other discussion threads.
2
Grandchildren / Re: Different situation
September 11, 2012, 01:08:53 pm
Thank you pooh!  I was badly needing some validation.  It does not mean I'm going to insist on my way, but I needed to know I was not being unreasonable, either.  Just for myself, you know?  Taking care of twins is physically exhausting, definitely.  And I really don't think most men are natural nurturers.  I know my son isn't, although he does his best.  I love being able to fill in the gaps, and I love how those tots love me back.  I have compassion for my DIL.  I really do.  But we are still confronted with the situation she created (bossy and controlling --YES!) and I think we are doing the best we can.  I'm going to start saying I and me to them referring to myself, and let the small fry call me what they choose.  I may even sign my cards and gifts to them as PawPaw and ME!  The most important thing to me is to be in their lives.
3
Grandchildren / Re: Different situation
September 10, 2012, 03:04:05 pm
I'm sorry, Grammie.  I have read so many stories that made me sad.  What I have been saying over and over is I GIVE.  I am not insisting on my way or my name.  But I need to vent a little and this seems a safe place.  I will not jeopardize my relationship with my GKS.  I also hold the opinion that any DIL who would do the things I have read about will one day reap a sorry harvest.  We are family, why all the rivalry and hatefulness?  I just don't get it.  One day these DILs will be MILs.  They would do well to remember that.
4
Grandchildren / Re: Different situation
September 10, 2012, 01:57:52 pm
Well, to tell you the truth, the whole grandma name thing does not make me happy any more.  The way it works is that when your grandchild begins to call you something, that becomes your grandma name.  So i received my name from my granddaughter.  That's how it has always worked in my family, and incidentally, that is how her own mother came by the grandma name she proudly uses.  It is not the name it was originally supposed to be. I think the name is not the issue anyway.  It's the being held to a different standard all the time.  I'm so tired of it.  But I put up with what I have to put up to be with those little angels.
5
Grandchildren / Re: Different situation
September 09, 2012, 08:45:16 am
Oh, I love taking care of them!  That's why I'm so torn.  If it is best for them that MamMaw bow out I will do that.  But I don't want to if I don't have to because it will break my heart.  But not as badly as it would if I were cut out all together.  it does take a toll on me, especially right now.  I am giving my niece one day a week.  She just had twin girls, had complications and nearly died.  She is still weak, struggling with having lost her milk supply, getting no sleep and some post natal depression.  I stay to be sure she does not start to hemorrhage while alone with the babies!  Also, she sleeps a few hours while i stay up with the babies who apparently never sleep.  She appreciates my help a lot!  So although all the baby keeping is tiring, I still love it.  I am formulating some ideas with all of your help.  I may stop being quite so available to my son very soon.  Not right away, not so soon after this grandma name dust up.  Don't want them to jump to the conclusion that I got my feelings hurt and am pouting.  I got my feelings hurt, but I am not pouting.  Any more.  Did we decide MamMaw was probably Ok.  And my niece has been made very aware that when she feels ready to go it alone she will tell me.  And yes, my GKs are completely cute and absolutely darling! 
6
Grandchildren / Re: Different situation
September 09, 2012, 05:09:51 am
I have been thinking a LOT.  I do suspect some underlying marriage tension, but all marriages have some of that.  I advised my son to keep his mouth shut about it and talk only with his wife and a counselor if necessary.  I only mentioned it when he made an inappropriate remark a couple of weeks ago.  DIL has asked for extra help in the past when she had to be gone and I have always been happy to oblige.  I have not mentioned one important factor -- the only time I see the kids is when I go help out at their house.  They have brought the kids to our house (20 minute drive) only maybe 3 or 4 times in 2 years.  I have been very understanding about that because I know she works and has little time.  I feel somebody changed the rules and didn't tell me.  I am considering telling my son I have to cut out one day a week for a while.  Bath and bed really are a two person proposition, DIL admits it freely.  One splashes and plays, the other howls.  Tending to the howler leaves the splasher on his own.  I wish badly I could talk this over with my son but he tels everything and makes it sound BAD.  If I try to talk with DIL I come away thinking I am foolish and paranoid.  I can't get anybody to come out and tell me what they want.  Except my son does want the help during the week!  I don't want to enable him to not fulfill his responsibility, but don't want to leave him in the lurch if he really needs me.  My grandma name is not a battle worth dying over, of course, I just feel I have put up with a lot, and I think my aggravation tank got filled up and spilled over.
7
Grandchildren / Re: Different situation
September 08, 2012, 05:01:43 pm
The last straw, I suppose. There have been many things over the years.  I do mind my mouth most of the time, since I did the counseling.  That thing just slipped out and I wanted to recall it immediately, but it was too late.  She does not tell me anything, BTW, she tells my son to tell me.  I stay strictly out of their business.  She seemed very happy to have my help baby sitting during their recent move.  But as soon as that was over, the bad vibes came back.  Now she needs to be out of town overnight and my son asked me to help with bath and bedtime that night.   I don't know what to do.  I see trouble ahead, but I don't know how to stop it.  Why does this have to be so hard?  She more or less told me once that my relationship with the kids was my own responsibility.  So I developed it pretty much on my own.  Now I'm getting those vibes.
8
Grandchildren / Re: Different situation
September 08, 2012, 04:23:05 pm
Well, I tried to compress a long story.  My son is stay at home, but with toddler twins he needs help. So I go over two mornings a week to give him a break.  It has always been tradition around here that the first talking grandchild names the grandparents. I was referring to myself as grandma, and just recently my little G-girl startedccalling me MomMaw, and I just spelled it phonetically how she pronounced it.  I searched yahoo.com to find it is a recognized grandma name spelled just that way.  I love how it sounds and want to be called that.  But I am respelling it to either MaMaw or MamMaw.  I had to wait over two years to hear them say my name while they babbled constantly everybody else's names!  My DIL knew how much I was looking forward to having them call me by my grandma name.  So she has rather spoiled my happiness that it has finally happened.  But I keep my mouth shut about that, although I did slip and ask my son if she was that insecure.  Does not matter.  She is the boss, I suppose, and I only have to swallow it down til the kids are 18!  Only 16 years to go.....
9
Grandchildren / Re: Different situation
September 08, 2012, 03:29:50 pm
Thank you for your quick responses!  I was quite surprised to see that the spelling of MomMaw was objectionable.  I guess I figured that mom, ma, or mother were going to be a part of any grandma name.  I have agreed to spell it MaMaw, which I don't like, but the kids will pronounce it as they choose.  I have bent over backwards continually for seven years in my relationship with my DIL and my son as well.  I am getting tired of walking on eggshells, but if that is the cost of being with my grand kids I suppose I will continue.  She works not only by choice, but by design.  She planned it all out just this way, no one was allowed to offer the opinion that it could be a difficult situation.  And it hasn't worked out how she envisioned.  Her mother used to come help out, but she decided to go back to work and has not helped out for several months.  I could also use some extra money, but feel it is more important to be with the little ones.  They are little for such a short time!  I went to counseling for a short time, (now that is a story!) and discovered I was allowing my son and DIL to control me thru my fear of losing contact with my GKs.  Sigh.  It is such a delicate balancing act. I ust don't understand!  I love my son, I used to love my DIL and would like to be free to do so again and I simply adore my GKs.  I have compassion for her, but since she can't be home, shouldn't she be really happy they are with someone who would gladly lay her life down for them?
10
Grandchildren / Different situation
September 08, 2012, 02:07:15 pm
Hi all.  New member here, so please bear with any mistakes.  My situation is a little different in that my DS is the at home parent while my DIL is the one who works.  I help my DS take care of my GK toddlers a couple times a week.  I get the feeling, although nobody will tell me directly, that my DIL is jealous of my closeness with the GKs.  They prefer me to her parents, this was quite obvious on one occasion.  I am trying to avoid another situation where that will happen.  I don't want their other grandma to feel hurt.  Anyway I get this feeling of her being jealous because she is often critical, and when my GD finally gave me my much desired grandma name, my DIL immediately hated it and requested I change how I spell it.  Is MomMaw a grandma name that crosses a boundary?  I thought it was quite common to spell it that way, and I had been encouraging the children to call me Grandma.  MomMaw is what i got, and I love it.  I agreed after some thought to change the spelling, but I am feeling frustrated, hurt and am wondering what comes next.  There have been several other things too, where I feel vaguely that she wishes I would just go away.  Those kids adore me and I adore them.  Since when is that a bad thing?