Show Posts

This section allows you to view all posts made by this member. Note that you can only see posts made in areas you currently have access to.


Messages - luise.volta

Pages: [1] 2 3 ... 566
1
Welcome, P. We ask all new members to go to our HomePage and under Open Me First, to read the posts placed there for you. Please pay special attention to the Forum Agreement to be sure WWU is a fit for you. We are a monitored Website.


Everyone here has a User Name to protect anonymity. I am the one exception, since it is my Forum. If you have used you own name, please select something else before you proceed.


The hard lesson I had to learn with my oldest son was that he was a young adult out in the world on his own and part of that was his right to make his own choices and mistakes and to learn from the consequences...or not. It took me a long, long time to get that my expectations were mine and he didn't need to fulfill them. I had an entirely different picture and felt I had so much to give. His wife didn't cling to her mother and family of origin, she dumped them, as well and they formed some kind of a mother hating alliance. For a while I got stuck in self-pity. I think it's an important stage to go through because it hurt deeply and I needed to be honest with myself. However, I was slow to move on and find a full life after parenting. I finally realized that I, too, could make choices after tripping over my expectations and knowing I deserved better for way too long. Eventually, I got that I mattered. You do, too!

2
Hope we have given you something to think about. As you know, all we can do here is share our experience. We don't give advice...no one here is a counselor and it is probably time to close this thread. We are in your corner as you work your way through this.

3
I, too, can relate to being 'kicked to the curb'. This may sound strange but I honestly thought my son must be feeling sad on some deep level to have made me, once someone he trusted, the enemy. I think I may have bowed out of the relationship as much for him as for me. He was a gentle, kind man.

4
Adult Sons and/or Adult Daughters / Re: Dont know what to do
« on: January 18, 2019, 08:29:28 PM »
You're right. I am now 91 and my youngest is 63. I still mess up on occasion but he is very forgiving. Whew...

5
Adult Sons and/or Adult Daughters / Re: Dont know what to do
« on: January 18, 2019, 08:10:14 PM »
Welcome, G. If that is actually your first name, please change your User Name. We ask everyone to remain anonymous. I am the only exception because it is my Website.


All new members are asked to go to out HomePage and under Open Me First, to read the posts placed there for you. Please pay special attention to the Forum Agreement to be sure WWU is a fit for you. We are a monitored Website.


I made the mistake of listening to my eldest son's marital woes and what followed was somewhat similar to your experience. I ended up the 'bad guy'. It was a tough lesson for me to get that their marriage was their business not mine and I should have told him that immediately. I was still in 'mom-mode', I guess. It never occurred to me to tell him that. I would never have told him the details of the issues I had with his dad! I guess I just didn't think of my son as an adult and an equal. Somehow, deep down, he was still my 'child'...long after I had finished my biological role and he was on his own.


I don't know if my experience will help you. Others may respond to your post and have different experiences to share with you.


As far as waiting for an apology. That, too, is an expectation I had many years ago. It took eons for me to learn that my expectations were about me and no one needed to fulfill them.


What happened for me is I eventually decided to turn toward those activities and friends that brought me joy. I did my best as a parent...not perfect...but still my best and I deserved to have a rewarding life.


Hugs...




6
What an inspiring refection you are of the spirit of WWU!

8
Welcome, C. We ask all new members to go to our HomePage and under Read Me First to read the posts placed there for you. Please pay special attention to the Forum Agreement to be sure WWU is a fit. We are a monitored Website. Obviously this is a 'canned greeting' but necessary for clarity. There are many kinds of Websites, some of which thrive on debate and criticism. At WWU, we listen with compassion and share our experiences. We aren't professionals and don't advise.


I have personally had the issue you are pondering. I came up with the same solution you are considering. I went through my photos and selected the ones that brought me happy memories and put them in a scrapbook. The rest brought me deep grief and I discarded them. I haven't had any regrets and I did it quite a while ago. That doesn't mean you might not have regrets...we are all so different. For me, I didn't want to erase the evidence of the lovely times when my son was little and our relationship was a loving one. At the same time, I didn't want to be reminded of it's disintegration. Hugs...

9
Take heart. I am 91 years old and I'm still learning and growing. Change is the natural by-product. Hugs...

10
And even one step further? Blaming yourselves for taking it. You did that. And that's where your power lies, it seems to me...in making other choices. You are in control of that. You can't change others but/and you can change you! Yippee-yay!

11
Good for you! Retraining ourselves after decades of putting our children first is terribly hard. Getting that they are adults and responsible for their actions is a whole new world where there are consequences for them and choices for others. Hugs...

12
Welcome, S. We ask all new members to go to our Homepage and under Open Me First to read the posts placed there for you. Please pay special attention to the Forum Agreement to be sure WWU is a fit. We are a monitored Website.


My painful experience with my eldest son and his wife was that how I felt and what I wanted was of no interest to them. It took me a very long time to get that they had the right, as adults, to choose how the related to and used others. I finally got that the only choice I had was in how I accepted or rejected their attitudes and behaviors toward me. Eventually I decided that my grands were learning that abuse was Ok by example. I didn't want to be any part of that. Self respect mattered to me and I had pretty much lost it over the years.


I removed myself from the toxic relationship they defined and after a while found peace again in my marriage and in my other interests. My expectations weren't met on any level and it finally dawned on me that they were mine and no one had to meet them. My husband and I looked away from our biological roles toward what else would bring us joy and filled our lives by interacting with friends where mutual respect was a given. We started to travel and made new friends and a new life. We never imagined we would find peach but we did.


I don't know if any of that will be useful to you but it worked for us. Hugs!

13
Welcome, S. We ask all new members to go to our HomePage and under Open Me First, to read the posts placed there for you. Please pay special attention to the Forum Agreement to be sure WWU is a fit. We are a monitored Website.


My serious issues with my eldest son didn't involve my DIL's family. His 'about face' came when he was in his teens. He decided I was not the mother he would have chosen and his friends had fared better than he did. A mother who virtually never left the kitchen and never spoke a word looked much more appealing. What transpired for me might be of some help to you since he carried that attitude on into his adult life, marriage and parenting.


I eventually learned I was the one who decided my value and gave myself the respect I knew I deserved. My expectations were of my own making. Back then they were the norm in the culture in which I grew up. I got stuck in self-pity for much too long. It was healthy at first but eventually kept me from learning and growing.


My lesson was I mattered, if I said so. Respect wasn't something that another bestowed on me or withheld at will. Self-respect was available. My husband helped me with this and I move beyond would'a, should'a, could'a. We knew we had both been good parents...and the issue was my son's to resolve or not. He choose not. We restructured our lives, looking to what we had instead of what we had lost. My son passed his beliefs on to his youngest son. However, his eldest son and our youngest son never bought into it.


My point is that for me, actually for us, the impasse no longer dominated our well-being. We looked to what brought us joy and fulfillment and healing followed.


 Sending hugs your way...

14
Adult Sons and/or Adult Daughters / Re: Christmas gift giving
« on: December 05, 2018, 03:46:28 PM »
That sounds pretty tough, R. I have gotten to where I look to see what brings me joy. If it's gift giving, fine. If not, I don't do it. I've finally gotten to where I give my myself what I feel I deserve no matter what other's think. And I am not going to let others teach the children in my clan that it's OK to be abusive. I no longer set myself up to be a victim. That may be selfish. If so, so be it. I had to give up looking for reasons and hoping for change but I'm much happier. I matter. So do you!

15
Daughter in Laws and/or Son in Laws / Re: Unusual situation son in law
« on: December 04, 2018, 09:01:37 AM »
Welcome W. We ask all new members to go to our HomePage and under Read Me First to read the posts placed there for you. Please pay special attention to the Forum Agreement to be sure WWU is a fit for you. We are a monitored Website.


I have modified your post a bit and also ask that you choose a different User Name. All participants here, with the exception of myself because it is my Website, remain anonymous to protect their privacy in sharing their issues. We have been around for over a decade and have learned that works best. When you're ready, please post your own story under a separate heading if you wish. We look forward to hearing from you.

Pages: [1] 2 3 ... 566