August 15, 2020, 12:22:41 pm

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"Welcome to WiseWomenUnite.com -- When adult children marry and leave home, life can sometimes get more complex instead of simpler.  Being a mother-in-law or daughter-in-law can be tough.  How do we extend love and support to our mothers-in-law, adult children, daughters-in-law, sons-in-law, and grandchildren without interfering?  What do we do when there are communication problems?  How can we ask for help when we need it without being a burden?  And how do our family members feel about these issues?  We invite you to join our free forum, read some posts... and when you're ready...share your challenges and wisdom."


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Messages - SCW

1
Grab Bag / Re: Evangelizing
August 23, 2012, 07:00:03 pm
I can't speak for anyone but myself, but I personally hope if I get preachy or sound like I know it all, that someone would call me out on it.  I know better then anyone that I certainly do no Know it All.

Besides , I have people all around me who actually do think they know everything about everything, so concessions is my middle name.  I will gladly allow anyone to think they win :o)  deep in my heart, I have.
2
Oh, Footloose,
I am so sorry you had to experience the wrath of DS.  No one, who gave so much of life to another deserves that kind of behavior.
Poor Poor GS, I pray he will be ok.  I know, when he is older, when he can he will reconnect with you.  Good for you for standing your ground.
3
Grandchildren / Re: Torn how to help my 2 GC
August 21, 2012, 07:42:42 am
It always breaks my heart to hear children being treated like you say here.  I was a foster Mom for many years and have heard way too many of these stories.

I think you are doing the right thing.  Unfortunately, unless something concrete happens there is not much you can do, other then what you are doing.  It's not easy to prove verbal abuse, but if there are bruises there are maybe more options. That is the sad part.

Good luck and strength to you and the GK.
4
I am a few years younger then you Luise, but my Daddy taught me the Jitterbug, oh how I miss days like that!  Such a simple things makes for such sweet memories.  That is what this world is missing, time to have fun and learn cool things.  And the interest of our kids to have time with us. 

Maybe that is what happens with an over scheduled life.  We have put too much stock into our kids learning all of the sports and arts and not enough time letting them learn about us.  And us not giving them that part of ourselves.

PS  We used to do the Jitterbug at weddings, it was such fun to show off  :-* Love ya Dad
5
Thank You Pooh, I will read this when I can get myself together enough to be logical about what I read.

Ruth, I read your words and I am in tears, I have reentered my faith recently, but have as of yet had any grand awakenings.  I know that is on my higher powers terms.  I have also begun to work with a political group, scouting at the local level and beyond.  I try to smile and say hello to all of the people I see in my building, they are a large percentage seniors.  I have however been neglecting a senior woman whom I love so much, at my old building.  Close personal relationships are not my strong suit any more.  I think I am afraid to loose love after having lost it and failed at it so many times.  (The old I will leave you before you leave me syndrome)  As soon as I post this I will be emailing her.  This is how we communicate, besides being in each others company. 

In the mean time I will wait, I will work on myself by getting into the CPR (Chronic Pain rehab)  hopefully sooner rather then later.  Maybe they can help me face this pain in a constructive way.   I will read, here, where so many wonderful women are united with a common heart.  I will wipe my tears as many times as is necessary, and put on the happy face the world is allowed to see. 

I do so love and respect the women here.  I appreciate your words and take them all in.
6
Ruth,

I read your post hours ago, yesterday afternoon.  I wanted to let it sit, let it soak in for awhile before I responded.  I do remember you telling me about your situation and how I felt I had a "big sister" to look to with an all to similar story.  I will remember this for sure now. 

I do admit I made mistakes, I do not dwell there but I am reminded of this from time to time, I have to admit.  And when I am, it still hurts pretty bad.  I have lived in this guilty state for so long I don't think I know how to give myself permission to live a normal life.  In fact I have accepted the fact that (along with the CP) This is my normal.  I think in order to grant myself that permission I have to forget that mindset and find a more acceptable normal.  I just do not remember how to find that place. 

I appreciate that you took the time to outline the steps that you had to take to get to a place where you seem more contented.  It shows me that it can be a goal of mine, too. 

Quote from: Ruth on August 20, 2012, 01:27:14 pm
I suspect this kind of thing lies at the root of a lot of the estrangements here.  There's not a mother or a family on earth who haven't made enough mistakes to bring on an estrangement, its just that most people want relationship and reconciliation, so they forgive and move on.  Some people don't.  They are too stubborn and selfish, and they like to punish others.....


This says so much!
7
Thank you Pooh.
You make an excellent point.
I will try to find my center.  I have left a message to make my appointment, which looks like CPR deals with all things physical and psychological.   
I will write down things that I am thankful for right now.
8
I find hope in your post.  When I read about you seeing him in the car, it felt like someone punched in in the stomach.  I can just imagine how that felt for you.

You did a great job getting through it.  (I wish I could find something that helps me emotionally but doesn't hurt physically.) Seeing that it brought you so many blessings today, well that's just icing on the cake.  Congratulations!
9
Quote from: Begonia on August 20, 2012, 09:47:02 am
Two quotes I heard on Oprah (I think).
Expectation is a resentment waiting to happen
Forgiveness is giving up the hope that the past could have been any different

Strength to you.  Do one thing that is powerful today, even if that means canceling a credit card, writing a thank you note, calling someone who would love to hear your voice, saying "I love you" to someone who loves you back.  Hugs to you.


Thank you all for your precious words.  I know there is no answer, I just need to face this.  Go into that pit and fight the demons, then climb back up to the sunlight.  It just makes me so afraid to think about that fight.  I try to be motivated and cheerful and positive.  It creeps back and I do not see it coming.  It really was a great weekend for example, but it was there, that feeling that I am missing out on something special.  So today, with little man back in school, I am home alone to face these monsters, and not hide them away in a closet in my mind. 

I know the past could not be changed, I have forgiven my AC for the way they continue to...I guess....to ignore me now.  I have made my share of the mistakes in the past and not being forgiven by them is painful.  Knowing they are hurting in any way, well, what mother wants to hurt her babies?  Out of all of this I have to forgive myself, which I thought I had...but now I'm not so sure.

I have done something today, I am trying (despite all of the paperwork) to register YS for his new school system.  He attends a school specifically for kids on the autism spectrum, but we moved and I have to get him into this public school system. 

So, do I allow myself to wallow for awhile?  Let myself feel this pain and then at some point today get up and wash my face and move on?  I have only an hour or so left to cry and then it's back to real life.  We WILL celebrate the first day of school. 

I just feel like I am in this dark place right now.   
10
Adult Sons and/or Adult Daughters / It makes me Sad
August 20, 2012, 08:13:42 am
I have been reading here daily.  I have not been posting because I don't know what to say.  I would love to have some wise words of wisdom or soft words of comfort but truth be told, I need those myself.

I have been going crazy trying to keep myself busy in spite of all the physical and emotional pain.  Went to an Eagle Scout Court of Honor this weekend 6 boys.  This is unheard of, for boys who have come up through Scouting.  I also walked with DH and YS in a walk for Autism.  Hubby pushed me in my chair while we went side by side with thousands of other families to raise funds for research. 

It was hard at these events for me, like at most things, to watch the parents with their children, who are so close and nurturing, and loving.  I wonder still how I can "fix" this mess.  I saw the Scouts who hugged their parents, and the parents, so proud of their boys.  I told DH "This makes me so sad"  Missing what I do not have, and still grieving.  I can't avoid these places like a parent who has all grown children.

I was told I need intensive Chronic pain rehab.  3 weeks of 9 hours/day of medical treatment, for all of the issues related to my pain.  Doc said I am really good at hiding my depression, and my anxiety is through the roof, I may just explode some day.  Even so, I am afraid I will have to face these hidden issues and when they come to the surface, I will fall so deep that I can't come back out of the pit.

I hate being here!  I hate what my love for my AC has done to me! I hate how it is probably affecting my YS and my relationship with the precious 11 year old. I do not know how to deal with this alone, DH is very caring, but not what I need.  I try to hide it all from him, so I do not burden him as well.

I have cut off facebook, texting, writing, everything with them.  I feel like an alien when I think about their world, their babies, what they may be doing.  I know I must be indifferent with them, when I see them...which is not often.  Where can I find happiness?  How do I get to peace?  I know it will come in tiny increments, but they are not enough....not yet.

It all just makes me so sad.
11
Welcome Boxy!  I am happy to meet you and happy that you found this wonderful fellowship we have here.
You sound like you have to wisdom of Confucius and the Patience of Job.  I would someday love to have that feeling of the weight being lifted.  That would be a blessing.
Until then I keep a busy life and empty head  ;)
12
Grab Bag / Re: Quitting Smoking
August 09, 2012, 03:05:36 pm
I tried quitting so many times during the 27 years I smoked.  One time for a year and a half.  I tried everything from patches to lozenges to a combination to cold turkey.  With my neurological problems and a problem with another medicine that cause suicidal thoughts, I didn't want to go down that road.  Each time I would begin again due to some type of stress from my job, kids, ex or husband or health problems. 

It will be two years this October that I bought and chewed my first piece of gum.  I never thought I could use it, because I have such painful TMJ, but I was at my wits end.  I really did not follow the directions, I just chewed when I needed a fix.  I realized after a month or so that I had been gradually weaning myself off of it, subconsciously.  I am happy to report that I am smoke free and have no real desire to have a cigarette anymore.  Sure there are times I think I would like to light up and wonder how that would feel, but the thought lasts at most 20 seconds.

It is absolutely true, you have to really want to and be ready to quit.

Good Luck to those who are trying!  You are worth it! <3
13
Hi Ruth
I know and I feel all to well your feelings.  Unfortunately he would have found fault with something you said or had written eventually....just because he is looking for it.  Even if you had said it to him personally, without the help of email,  and had been able to explain yourself, you have unwittingly self fulfilled his prophecy.

I know that more and more I hear how emails, or facebook is misconstrued.  It's so sad.   Did people have this much trouble communicating with pen and paper?  Or is it just the recipient who has the issues.

Focus more on yourself and stop giving him so much power.   Hugs for you.
14
Firelight, I know you have made some tough decisions of late, and I am sure you have made them with GC and yourself in mind.
It is a scary thought to have to let our AC live life as they will.  We can feel so helpless.

Remember that you have no responsibility in what they do with their lives, you did not make that choice to take the first drug/drink, or not to get that job.  They ARE adults, if you cannot force them into rehab, you cannot force them to live anywhere, or get a job.

Bless you for taking GC, I was heartbroken when you said they bought smokes and a fry.  I am glad your GC got to eat decent food last night.  Malnourishment can affect the way her young brain develops.  I hope you can somehow get your DD to understand this.  That 5 bucks could have gotten a pound of hamburger.   ::)

Hang in there, keep up your strength.
15
As per Face book, I have cut off communication with all of my family except one DS, DM and ODS.  All of my offending AC are not even on my radar.

Of course I have Aunts who are just now getting up to date, but these are also WW, I trust them and their honesty, and life experiences.

DD and I have not spoken in too many years, except for her to say "I know" and giggle when I told her I was proud of her and what a good Mom she was.  Yeah....that aint happenin' no more. DS has beaten me up one time too many.

I guess I have given up. 
Given up on allowing myself to be hurt.
Given up on being a victim. 
Given up on trying to compliment.
Given up on speaking to those who do not deserve my time.
Given up on giving them my power!