November 27, 2020, 08:41:41 am

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"Welcome to WiseWomenUnite.com -- When adult children marry and leave home, life can sometimes get more complex instead of simpler.  Being a mother-in-law or daughter-in-law can be tough.  How do we extend love and support to our mothers-in-law, adult children, daughters-in-law, sons-in-law, and grandchildren without interfering?  What do we do when there are communication problems?  How can we ask for help when we need it without being a burden?  And how do our family members feel about these issues?  We invite you to join our free forum, read some posts... and when you're ready...share your challenges and wisdom."


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Messages - lostatsea

1
Hi, thank you for you again for your reassuring words. It has not taken a week and I have received more abusive texts , threatening more distance from DD. So to me , it seems she just wants revenge, a finality , but then not really - maybe just wants to inflict more pain. I honestly feel that if she gets no response DD will elevate this to others to make sure they all know how awful I am. How do you deal with that? I have a responsible job and need to turn up every day. Her sibling has now decided not to correspond with her, which of course is my doing, she thinks. 
How did I raise this child, can this behavior really be my doing? I feel if I correspond she will take that as an admission of guilt and a channel to inflict more pain. Not responding is hell.Its affecting my whole life, but then again that is DDs aim.
I will not enter into therapy with DD, as it would destroy me. Im so sorry that you had that experience to go through, I don't envy anyone in that position.
Over the years several people have said to me that DDs behaviour is unacceptable, but DD also can be the sweetest person to others, so makes it doubly hard to accept that all this is turned on me and so late in life.

Ther eis no magic wand though, I will have to get through this
2
Thank you SL. Im glad I found this website , it is comforting , yet disturbing to see there are so many people affected.I am convinced that this therapy has made DD think that her life has been wasted due to me. I know that is not the case and I tried to remind her of actual events where I encouraged education, better prospects, different choices but that was not acknowledged. Her bad choices have become my problem and no way to argue what has been said to a therapist. Her reality surrounds her, but personal responsibility must come into play. At 38 its time.
The bitter words, and drunken rages have had me in tears, in a hyper vigilant state to watch out daily for triggers that I might make this happen. To the point where I am apologizing for any fault that I might have contributed to her stet of mind. Even that was not accepted.

Im not saying it was easy through a divorce but I have had a number of years where it has been fine, then therapy seemed to cause these reactions.....Is it just a case if you pay money someone will agree with yo? im no expert but I can't see the good its doing.


It is with a heavy heart that I must leave it be. I really hope this is not long term, but I am bracing myself for that.
3
Im sorry to hear about your situation, mine is no different. I feel that these children are deriving a huge amount of satisfaction from the results they get by ignoring us, or worse making hurtful comments that cut deep. It is so stressful to ignore that and try to build a life that does not include them and also is very painful to see other families get on with their life and find my situation so alien to them.
As a parent none of us are without some guilt, but when your child starts to question your parenting, the guilt magnifies and is then set in stone as you are not allowed to argue back, for fear of recriminations ,like total rejection.
I think that the solutions given here are great, but it is a hugely painful thing to do. Also there are the mutterings of friends and extended family that of course it must be the parent's fault, especially for  Mum and daughter relationship.

I live in hope that life gets better.
4
Im just off the phone to my adult daughter who has spent the last hour telling me she does not love me and wants me out of her life and swore at me several times, she was drunk. This has been relatively recent as she has started attending therapy and says that she can't believe what a terrible mother I am/was. At 21 she left to live abroad and has made some bad choices. Her father and I split up when she was 14 and it was not a good split. I met someone else  and married and she likes him. However his family and her don't get on as she is wayward. Now they have kids and thats a big part of our life and she feels left out. I know she is using this cutting off  as a backlash to me, as tha is her only outlet as I am supposed to not care about them, and only her but she is an adult. Its just jealousy, but I have tried to give her a lot of attention and that is not working at all. 

I have tried daily to talk to her but she has now told me she wants nothing to do with her father or me or her extended family. She has an other sibling who she talks to but not very often either. She wants to cut me out. Im devastated and hurt by her comments, im in tears daily.  I don't know where to go with this. She laughed when I started crying. I keep asking to visit or her to come home , but nothing pleases her.

I would like to hear from you all.