August 03, 2020, 01:36:47 pm

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"Welcome to WiseWomenUnite.com -- When adult children marry and leave home, life can sometimes get more complex instead of simpler.  Being a mother-in-law or daughter-in-law can be tough.  How do we extend love and support to our mothers-in-law, adult children, daughters-in-law, sons-in-law, and grandchildren without interfering?  What do we do when there are communication problems?  How can we ask for help when we need it without being a burden?  And how do our family members feel about these issues?  We invite you to join our free forum, read some posts... and when you're ready...share your challenges and wisdom."


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Messages - lharak67

1
Hello Ladies,

I am brand new to the website and came across it via a Google search. I "searched" the topics before I made a post but could not find anything about the situation we now find ourselves in.

My son is getting married in November. Up until the engagement, we had an "OK" relationship with his now fiance.  As soon as the ring went on her finger a new personality appeared. To preface this story, my son and she are both what you would consider "loners". Not very social with a select few people that they would actually call friends. Future DIL has dealt with some depression issues in the past from what we understand. Our son is very quiet and not outspoken or emotional whatsoever. He is an identical twin and our other twin is pretty much the opposite.

When it came down to meeting her parents to talk about the wedding everything was going fine. We actually met at a place that they were considering for the reception. Sometime during the conversation her mother (she is the only child of her mother and father, but has a half sister from her mom) says "wouldn't it be great to have a destination wedding!" Now her sister married a man from Ecuador who is a pediatric cardiologist. They had their wedding in Ecuador and he and his family pretty much paid for everything. My future DIL's mother says "What about Paris!" and the DIL's eyes light up. Now, we are a big family. My husband is one of five and there are many nieces and nephews. On the future DIL's side it is only the parents (both are only children) the sister and her husband, and a grandmother. Paris is great for them but that probably would not work out for our family.  We left the dinner with the thoughts that it was probably just a pipe dream. NOPE...that's where we they wanted to get married. We explained that if that is what they wanted, it would probably just be my husband and I since we wouldn't be able to afford a wedding in Paris along with travel and lodging for our two other sons. We also explained that we were sure that the rest of his family would be disappointed that they wouldn't be able to see him get married. We are a very close family. We suggested that they get married at home and honeymoon in Paris. We pretty much nixed the idea on our end. Well...that didn't go over from what we understood. It wasn't until a month or two later that we learned that she was so depressed that we said we weren't supportive of the idea and that she spent three days in bed because she was depressed.  Eventually, they decided to get married locally, but our relationship has not been the same ever since. She stopped coming over to our house, she hasn't come over for any holidays/family gatherings with our side of the family, we were only allowed to invite Aunt's and Uncle's to the engagement party (her parents hosted but we helped with the costs, not the planning). Needless to say we have a strained relationship.

Recently, we found out from his twin's fiance that our son was going to be taking her last name. The reason was because she was the last member of her family to have her last name and she wants to continue the lineage by him taking her's because we have a "spare" son to continue our name. Wait what?!?!?! When we asked him about it he said "Yeah, it's pretty much a done deal". My husband is so hurt right now he won't even talk to him. There was never a reason given to us he just shrugged his shoulders.

Over this whole wedding preparation we have not been included whatsoever. We know what day it is, the place and the time. We have also come to realize that she and her family are narcissistic control freaks. There are a lot of other traits we have learned about her and have so many questions. I could honestly write a book.

My husband does not want to attend the wedding. Honestly, if we had not confronted him about the name change we would have been sitting there in front of our family completely dumbfounded by this revelation. I am completely torn as I don't want to push our son away but I do not agree with this decision at all.

We are going to sit down with him and his brother tonight and express our opinions and hopefully he will open up to us with her/her family not around.

Am I being too sensitive about this? Thanks in advance for any words of encouragement or pieces of advise.