November 29, 2020, 12:01:19 pm


"Welcome to -- When adult children marry and leave home, life can sometimes get more complex instead of simpler.  Being a mother-in-law or daughter-in-law can be tough.  How do we extend love and support to our mothers-in-law, adult children, daughters-in-law, sons-in-law, and grandchildren without interfering?  What do we do when there are communication problems?  How can we ask for help when we need it without being a burden?  And how do our family members feel about these issues?  We invite you to join our free forum, read some posts... and when you're ready...share your challenges and wisdom."

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Messages - Frustrated Oma

Daughter in Laws and/or Son in Laws / Re: Conflicted
September 14, 2018, 04:57:36 pm
Have not posted for a while, been battling ovarian cancer.  Just need a moment to vent, Things between my DS and DIL have been let's just say tolerable,  mostly because I think they are doing what they need to not look like complete jerks in others eyes with what I am battling.  Today I get a text message from my DIL stating that they will not be celebrating my GS 1st birthday as it will be  just the three of them and there will be no other gatherings.  We are welcome to send a gift but there is a whole list of rules of what we can and can not get him.  I just don't get why they are both so adamant about not sharing this child with anyone.  My poor GC is going to be robbed of so much love throughout his life.  I am just so sad..
Point taken Stilllearning, your message has clicked.  I need to just stop trying to figure it out.  There are more ways than one to move on.  You are correct, I do need to figure out if I am there yet.  Thank you.
Thank you Stilllearning, I am home and recovering from my hysterectomy and all is good with my health, for that I am grateful.  Naming this initial post last year "conflicted"  Seems to always comes back at just that... I did back off and lighten my expectations and my DS reopened the door to our relationship.  But the things he tells me in private conflict with his actions in public.  I  know when is with us and my DIL is present, he is cold, very quit and on edge.  When he shows up on his own, he returns to his warm funny self.  I know he is the way he is with her to appease her and not to cause a fight.  The question is, Is he the way he is when alone with us to appease us.  If that is the case, how in the world will my son ever find peace in his life? Ughh just can't seem to wrap my head around this situation as this whole thing started over something trivial....
The hurt continues.....  Memorial Day weekend I was rushed to the hospital with severe adominal pain.  My DH and DD rushed to my side.  My son who lives exactly 8 minutes from the hospital was called and he said to keep him posted as the DIL had a yoga class within the hour and he did not want to take the baby to the hospital.  I find out that I have a football size mass in my pelvis and need to go in for a full hysterectomy and biopsy.  Well surgery was scheduled for one week later.  My DD immediately told work she would not be in the day of and the day after surgery.  My DH sternly told our DS, that he needed to be there before I went into surgery and when I came out as we did not know what the outcome would be.  Luckily for me it was a benign tumor.  My DH and DD stated that my DIL was texting him the whole time asking him when he expected to arrive home.  I just don't understand some of the cold hearted people that are in this generation.  Instead of supporting him during this worrisome time, she just needed to know when he would be home to take over baby duties.  5 days post op in the hospital, my DS never came to visit me.  He did call to check in on his way home from work before being with her for the night.  I just don't get the lack of compassion.  Thank you for letting me vent....
I am newer to this site but I can so relate.  My DIL is our biggest problem.  Every time we invite them to any family function, it takes days or weeks for a response because during this time my DS  (so he says) has to beg and plead to get her to consent to attending.  Lately, my son has been showing up by himself.  We have a 7 month old GC in which I have seen only a handful of times since birth.  He is unable to bring the GC with him when he comes by himself because she breast feeds and refuses to pump, no bottles so she has to be with the baby at all times.  I just don't get it, we have been so accepting of her since the first time he brought her to meet us.  So hard to deal with this. ...
So now I find that my original topic of discussion is even more true."Conflicted"  What I thought was a break through with my DS, we have had many phone conversations and he has opened up to me about issues with his wife.  He even showed up for a family dinner on Mother's day without her and sent me the nicest text message after the dinner telling me how nice it was to spend time with his family without being on edge wondering what might upset her.  I was so relieved that we were finally seeing the old son we knew.  Now I  have sent some text messages and have received no response.  I haven't texted him again in the last few days.  So now I keep reliving a conversation we had when things weren't so good between us when he stated,  "do you realize how easy it is to lie to you".  I just keep concocting this this in my head like this was there next way of getting his wife through Mother's day without having to show up.  I am probably very wrong and my head is just creating things but I guess after all that had been said during our time of fighting, I am having a hard time trusting.  Is that wrong?  As I said, Conflicted!
Thanks Bamboo2, you are so right, roller coaster of emotions but something good has come out of this.  I called my DS, needless to say when he was at work and not with her.  I was grasping at anything that could make things easier between us and he finally opened up about everything.  I had asked him to tell me what to do to fix this, I told him that our relationship should not be this hard.  He told me that he appreciates the space we have given him and for respecting his wishes but it is not my problem to fix, it is their problem to fix.  (Exactly what you said Bamboo2)  He told me that they are having alot of problems right now and that my DIL is the cause of it.  She listens to what her family, especially her mother says  and will not listen to anyone else not even him.  He said her family is one of no loving emotion and that ours is and she is very threatened by this.  I have to say that I was very proud of him during this phone call and knew there and then that my DS was now a man.  He said it is his responsibility to fix his marriage but he also knows he has a family who loves and supports him and we just need to let him work on it.   He asked that we continue to do what we are doing and to know he is not upset with us.  I hung up and balled like a baby.  The relief I felt was unimaginable as he really is still the boy that I raised.  This place has been my sole source of support.  Even though I have a loving husband, he is still a guy and they see so many things differently.  Every time I have felt the waves starting to rumble, I would come back here and reread the responses and I get my strength back to move one.  I know I will still need to do this I truly believe my DIL isn't done with me yet :)  Thank you everyone here for being my continued crutch and holding me up.  Love you all.
So you think you are going along just fine and making progress and it all comes crashing down again.  About two weeks ago I unfriended my DIL's  sisters and mother from Facebook because it was effecting me every time I saw posts with them and my GS.  I figured it wouldn't matter anyway since we don't even use Facebook to socialize with each other.  Well my DS called me today to say that my DIL is completely insulted  (mind you my DS and DIL are not even on facebook)  that I would do this and that this is a refection on her.  She feels I have disrespected her.  My son tells me he could care less, he just wants peace.  I am just frustrated because everytime I do anything to protect my own feelings, I am supposedly disrespecting her.  I am trying to cut my self away from the things that trigger a decent in to the"abyss"  and I continously get called out and accused of disrespect.  She doesn't want us in her life but it is disrespectful if we take ourselves out of it as well.  How do you win in this situation?

I can so relate.  I have seen the tug of war my son is in between my DIL  and I.  I too will not be the one to come between their relationship, especially because if it does not work out, I do not want to be the blame.  The separation has been the best medicine for me.  I hope it will be the same for you.  The hardest part is not really knowing my 6 month old GS but I just have to focus on what makes me happy.  I was raised to never put yourself first but I now find out that is sometimes necessary.  Sending hugs.

I am sorry you are going through this as I have recently experienced the same.  My DS of the same age always showed me love and respect until he married my DIL.  The separation grew even worse when they had their first child, my first GC 6 months ago.  I tried to express my feelings of loss to him which only blew up in my face.  With the support of these lovely ladies I have been able to get my feelings in a better place. At first I couldn't bear the thought of separation from him but I have come to find that absence is the best medicine.  It keeps me from having expectations and the impending disappointment that comes with it.  Take a breather from the situation.  It will help.  Good luck, sending you hugs.
Adult Sons and/or Adult Daughters / Re: Easter
March 31, 2018, 05:40:41 pm
My apologies L
Adult Sons and/or Adult Daughters / Re: Easter
March 31, 2018, 03:11:17 pm
Wow G, me, too! I went to drop off my GS easter basket, was expecting to just drop it on my DS front porch when the front door opened.  He was home by himself with my GS, so this Oma got an unexpected visit.  Made my day for sure.  I am so tankful today for both of us.  Enjoy you Easter.
Adult Sons and/or Adult Daughters / Re: Easter
March 31, 2018, 08:30:01 am
Enjoy him and the rest of your family G, I find on the rare times my DS is with me without his spouse he is back to the guy we all know and love.  Enjoy and Happy Easter.
Adult Sons and/or Adult Daughters / Re: Easter
March 29, 2018, 07:00:40 pm
Hi All,
Gettingoldandcranky I know your pain over this as I asked my DS and DIL to come for Easter weeks ago aND as usual was told it would be spent with her family.  They are the parents of our first and only GC and was so looking forward to all the holidays with a GC.  So not to be, I called my son to say I had an Easter basket for our GC and asked if I could drop it by the day before Easter as I have not seen my 5 months old GS in  2 months.  The response I received was that they would be busy and to just leave it on their front porch.  Stabbed in the gut, yet again.  My struggle to stay above the dark abyss is a daily fight for me and this would send me right down the hole again.  After a conversation with my DH  and his reminders to my about the spiral beginning to gyrate, I just focused on the good I have in my life and had to remind myself this is not my doing.  I think the hardest part for me is hearing others talk about the great times they have with their grandchildren.  Although, I am happy for them, I can't help but feel sorry for myself as this is the relationship I had envisioned with my own GC.  Like others have said, we bring our thoughts to the dark place and that is how we end up feeling aweful, we need to keep those thoughts from bringing us there.  That is what I work on daily.  Focus, focus,  focus are my daily words to myself.  I will get there and I know you will too.  ?
SunnyD, thank you....  Shock is a great word for the way we feel.  I am sure this is not what you pictured life with your AC would be like.  I for sure thought becoming a grandparent would bring me a world of joy. Thus far it's been nothing but sadness. Shock Iis definitely my feeling beside others.  I am here if you need me,  as our pain is as fresh as yours..  I pray things change for the better for all of us.