October 18, 2019, 03:02:44 am

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"Welcome to WiseWomenUnite.com -- When adult children marry and leave home, life can sometimes get more complex instead of simpler.  Being a mother-in-law or daughter-in-law can be tough.  How do we extend love and support to our mothers-in-law, adult children, daughters-in-law, sons-in-law, and grandchildren without interfering?  What do we do when there are communication problems?  How can we ask for help when we need it without being a burden?  And how do our family members feel about these issues?  We invite you to join our free forum, read some posts... and when you're ready...share your challenges and wisdom."


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Messages - BlueLotus

1
 I'm sorry you have an insecure, jealous Dil. I wish we could all just be supportive an encouraging and enjoy time we have together. My dh bends over backwards for his mother. She feels the need to tell us where and how to live. Lots of pressure from her always and if we don't go along with her wants and needs, then I'm just "threatened" and "insecure". I have tried to be kind and close, will will continue but her definition of close is being in the driver's seat controlling us. I know some Dill are truly evil, I'm trying to figure out how to have a good, autonomous marriage and relationship with her.
2
I just get the vibe that it's in some women's DNA to feel powerful, important superior. I think they feel like if DIL isn't cooking, cleaning, setting up the kitchen,feeding the family the way they do it, then it is the wrong way. If Dh doesn't call or spend time with MIL all the time, well then it must be DIL'S fault. I think it hurts to think of the possibility that other people might have other or even better ideas and sometimes children get busy or just don't feel like talking.  I think it's less hurtful internally to think that "my way is the best way", and "DIL is holding ds hostage or making him spend less time with me. Ds would never do this willingly" It's a defense mechanism for some.
3
Quote from: luise.volta on July 09, 2015, 02:14:17 pm
In my case I thought it wouldn't get worse after we married. I even hoped marriage would somehow make it better. Neither came to be...it got much worse! I wasn't able to take it continually and forever and I was sorry I walked into a card game with a loaded deck. There was no way I could win. I had a romantic dream I just couldn't up and it became a nightmare!


These words kept playing in my mind all night Louise, I hardly slept... this is my fear. I don't dream of being a movie star or a billionaire.. My dream is to have a complete happy family-extended family included happily. I guess all I can do is my best.
4
I do think if I had a son, above anything else... I'd want him to be happy and successful , with a loving family of his own. That would be more important to me than my own wants. I would never get in the way of that, or ever be against it. With my Dfh, I want him to be happy, and he has become very successful the last few years, and I don't want his relationship with his family to be hurt just because he is starting a family.
5
Quote from: love3 on July 09, 2015, 07:58:34 pm
Blue Lotus , I am a dil also in your situation. Our stories actually sound identical ! My mil is ALOT like  yours , she wanted to pick out everything for our place when we moved to a new place. She is totally a want to be molder or trys to be . She would try so hard to get me to have her old furniture even after I told her I had everything picked out. She wanted to control still and kept asking same with bills . I NEVER let her pick out or give us furniture or buy us any. After we got our own , she gave up pestering about furniture . I think it funny how mil's actually think its ok to come in and redecorate to her liking which is the total opposite of mine that's where the molding comes in . Mil's need to understand they are not the women of the house anymore and need to respect the dil as an adult. The mil would not go into their own friends house , or even their own mil house to take over and re-decorate (that's where the respect comes in) . Sure they can suggest ideas and you can listen to them, but remember you are in charge and have no obligation to do what she says. It was hard for me at first to say no because she always talked really nice to me (even though she secretly hates me) and THAT was the guilt trip most mil are famous for. But I always stood my ground and stayed there , you have to if you want to be respected and protect yourself . Don't worry about what she thinks , because you will never be good enough in her eyes . Be the strong real person you know you are and don't let her tell you how to live your life. As for your dh ,... my dh was the same way at first he was scared and couldn't say no to his mom in order to not hurt her feelings and face the guilt trip... SO I then started tell her no myself ! And she would have to listen and accept it. Now my dh has no problem saying "no" to his mom since I started doing it myself he also got more comfortable to stand up to her. If your dh wont step up to the plate then you have to do it , its YOUR life , YOUR marriage .


Love sounds like we really are in the same situation. Our situation is so similar. My heart goes out to you. Thanks so much for sharing your experience. Thanks Green thumb for sharing also, you sound like you know alot about this, and the dynamics at play. I love all the insight and support you ladies give it's interesting, and comforting to know we are not all alone. We all have feelings. I'm not the controlling type, it's just one of the fun parts of marriage is picking out our home, decor, pets, kids names together, but she tries to take over any chance she gets. Lilly, there isn't a double standard in my own experience. My mother and I shop together. She and I have fun, no one pushes each other, we give a few opinions like "that's cute" but that the extent of it. My family forces her ideas on me. We shopped one time together, turned out she had gone to the same store the day before, found an item and it was a huge struggle with the salesperson, I let him know it wasn't my style and she cut me off and said"oh! She just doesn't know what she wants, give us a minute". She continued  to tell me why I should pick out the one she wanted for us, I finally called dfh, and he liked the one I liked. Thank god. She wasn't purchasing for us, she just wanted to pick out for us. There is such a huge difference between my mother and her. Have you ladies heard of wedding bee? Lots of dils say they love their mil, I think it's a 50/50 chance they won't get along, which is bad odds but I know so many who get along. I think it's mostly mothers with only sons, or mothers who are emerged with their sons who tend to have an issue with having respect for dil. It could sometimes be a clash of personalities, but I think the most Co dependent ,narcissistic, and controlling people have no clue that they are, or are so stubborn that they can't admit their part. I'm never afraid to say sorry. I think some Mils, and Dils, are prideful in that way they hold grudges and can't move forward. I think accepting this b  I truly hope to have a son, because I basically know exactly what not to do with DIL. SILS freak  me out more for some reason.
6
Quote from: Pooh on July 09, 2015, 09:46:17 am
P.S.  I'm not trying to say you shouldn't be in your relationship with DH, only that you need to know ahead of time what you will most likely be dealing with and can you handle that?


No, you are spot on. Its hard for me to answer that question. I know I wont be happy if it continues. I feel like we need pre marriage counseling. There was one time, about 2 months ago. I was a little short with her and kept the kitchen island between us. I look back and I was subconsciously trying to protect myself from her. My fiance was upset that I was so "cold" to his mother. It upset me, because the last few years she had been that way to me and I got really good at keeping a smile on my face. This time was different, and I was the bad guy. I said nothing rude, I just wasn't giving her every little detail of our lives. My fiance already tells her everything, but some reason she likes to pretend she doesn't know about something and asks me about it.

And I agree with you Lilly, there are always 2 sides to a story. Im sure her reality is a little different than my own, because she raised my DH and feels she should still be the one he answers to first, and she feels its her job to mold and shape our lives. Pick out furniture, Still get FDH's mail sent her her, etc. I think she feels I keep him away, when im the one who reminds him to call her. I always bug him about doing something nice with/for his mom.. but it gets hard. I want a good relationship with her, but I think she is repeating drama she had with her own MIL. I hope it doesnt get worse after we marry.
7
Quote from: Green Thumb on July 08, 2015, 05:46:49 pm
You say your fiance is in denial of how his mommy is. Is that correct? Does he stand up for you, speak up for you, when she is putting you down?

The advice I might give is to accept that this is how it will always be, between you, fiance, and his mother. She is never going to be nice or loving. You may want to google narcissistic family dynamics and see if any of the traits fit your situation. You have no power to change the  mother, you can only change how you act and react and think about this situation. It is not personal towards you. She would act this way with any other fiance her son brings home. It is not about you, it about what is inside of her. One can make peace with that notion and detach and accept it for what it is -- or one can fight reality and experience arguments, unhappiness and heartache in dealing with her.

It is possible that your finance has been trained since childhood not to rock the boat with mom and to cater to her every emotion and whim, simply because that is how it is and how she demands it. He may have low self esteem if she used the verbal "put down" technique to control him as a child. If he is enmeshed and his goal is to make mommy happy rather than face her wrath, this is what you have to expect from him. Every time mommy has an emotional fit to get her way, to control the family, to divide and conquer your marriage, this may bring huge stress into your marriage. Your power is inside yourself and how you react and how realistic your expectations are for your fiance.


  I have recently started to point out some of the things she has said. He minimizes it, gets angry and kind of defends her. He has stuck up for me once or twice. But most of the time its as if he doesn't hear her. He makes me feel crazy, or too sensitive. She has hated all of his past girlfriends, has even got into huge fights with a few. When we started dating my fiance moved out of his parents, and  got a great job, and we have been building a nice life together. She claims she likes me... I think it does have more to do with her than me. I think my FDH is a little brainwashed.  His entire family will repeat her words, as if its their own. She gets each family member to talk to the other, convince them to do this and that. She will ask my DFH talk to FBIL, and FFIL to talk to my DFH. When My fiances brother, or father talk to him about something, you almost always know its really her wants and wishes being expressed. She is very controlling. She told my mother that it was their job to guide us in life and with decisions we make, my mother said she will support us in the decisions we make. There is a difference. I know I can only focus on my reaction, but I just don't know how to react at this point.
8
Quote from: Lillycache on July 08, 2015, 03:10:45 pm


Actually,   She and my son were married for 10 years and had 3 kids when the split happened.  Up until that point, I believed that everything was fine between us.  The split happened when I stupidly sent her a friend request on FB and she didn't respond.  When I asked her why, she blew up like a roman candle and began reciting all the horrible things that I had supposedly done and said over a 10 year period.  Things I had no idea were a problem.. Words led to words... there was an enormous argument.  She said things to me that I can NEVER forgive her for.. and that was the end..  She will never be  allowed in my home again.


  Thats wrong for her to bottle up and hide her feelings. We can't read each others minds. When you say supposedly do you mean she was making up stories? And she turned around and said horrible things back to you? Was it a personal attack? I'm glad you get to see your grandchildren, and it hasn't ruined your relationship with them, or your son. Has she ever tried apologizing, or vice versa?

  I'm friends with my FMIL on FB and honestly I have been a little more careful about what I say because anything I posted would turn into something negative. I love to bake, its a passion of mine. I have all the pictures of everything that I bake. She has turned it into "FDH does all the cooking, and BlueLotus only bakes bad foods". I don't do it all the time, just if I have some free time. My FDH loves that I cook and bake, it's something he does boast about to everyone. My FMIL has put down my FDH about gaining a couple Lbs when he started his desk job. He is very fit. It sounded crazy to me that she would say that. She blamed my baking in a subtle way. His whole family hates heavy people and are always on new diets. My DFH and I are extremely active and eat pretty healthy but we don't put restrictions on ourselves.

Each thanksgiving and sometimes xmas I'd bring a pie I have for 3 yrs now. I did it the first yr because it was requested. Last thanksgiving my FDH was on the phone with his parents, I heard him say I was making pies again. We walk in with pies, and FMIL says "oh! I had no clue you were making pies! I decided to make a one, I hadn't in years!" all the IL's had a grin on their face. I know my DFH had told both of them. When he brought that up she said she forgot. At first it didn't bug me, almost everyone tried my pies, I got to bring the rest home, but now looking back with everything else she does it is a little strange. I'm just baking for m family only from now on. 

Was she trying to compete? Was it her way of bonding? Did my help and contribution turn into a resentment? Is this all a game to her? Why do I care? I don't feel MILs or DILs should be in competition, they should work together as a team. We're all adults. There is enough love to go around. Even with the things she's done, she does have a sweet side sometimes and I really do love and care about her. I don't think its right that your DIL was so hurtful. I'm sorry for the long reply. I feel much better getting this all out and hearing all the wonderful advice. I think acceptance will be difficult for me.. I know its what I need to do. Thank you all for your support and knowledge. It is really appreciated.
9
If you don't mind me asking, what happened between you two to reach that solution?
I think it's important for adult children to be with their foo on holidays, but I also think it's important for a marriage and family to have a few of their own traditions as well. My parents divorced when I was young and holidays had to be split up because of this. I hated that growing up. My father only stuck around a few years after the divorce. But I still had to go visit my gma on his side without my mother on Christmas eve and my sister, brother and I hated it. My Dfh grew to really hate his gma. I don't want to give up so quickly, but I don't want to have expectations from her emotionally either. When do you call it quits?
10
I think that solution is probably what will eventually happen. I just don't think it's fair or right to split up a family on holidays to make others happy. My dfh hates going anywhere without me on holidays. I don't know if I'd be comfortable with spending holidays away from my own children just because fMIL doesn't want a good relationship with me.. My DFH and I always talk about how great it would be to host our own thanksgivings, and Christmas'.I remember us mentioning that at her house one day, and she glared and walked out of the room. I don't understand why. It does not make any sense to me. Isn't that what couples talk about?
12
   I feel as though she only wants a relationship with her ds only.  She wants me around so he's around. I'd be okay with that if she wasn't bad-mouthing me to other family members. An example- I cook and clean, but sometimes dfh likes to bbq. That translates to him having to do all the cooking in her mind. She has told other family members things like this,  and it is awkward having to explain myself to them. When I mention anything to my dfh, he says she doesn't mean any harm.
13
Quote from: jdtm on July 08, 2015, 05:04:42 am
QuoteI've reached out, been kind and polite


Good for you!  Now sit back and smile - from when I sit, it appears that the "ball" is in your fmil's court.  It appears the relationship you want will not happen - really, that's O.K. - as your first obligation is to your future husband.  Sometimes, it just is what it is.

Personally, my (now deceased) MIL was a wonderful woman and I loved her dearly.  My (also deceased) FIL was very difficult and self-centered.  Whenever we had family holidays, I made sure that I was never alone with him or near him (if possible) and I kept my opinions to myself.  It worked - kept this up for several decades (since he did not like me, he did not want to be near me either).  I did this for my husband and his mother.  It was what it was.


You are right, but when I back off for a while.. and make my fdh and Foo a priority she makes a point to mention it to dfh and I. We live almost two hours away but we are moving closer this weekend. It's really expensive where she lives, so we chose the same town as my foo. We will be 25 minutes away from her, much closer but all she says is how happy my Foo must be. Her friend who I didn't know came up to me and said "so you two are moving near your family, huh. I guess it's the woman who always wins!"
14
 
My DFH and I have been together for almost five years, engaged for a four months. Things have been tough recently. Ever since we've started dating, his mother seems stand offish and uncaring, no matter how hard I try to be nice. He has always assured me that fmil loves me but her passive aggression and lies makes me think not. My fdh is in denial. My family and friends also sense something strange. There is some codependency issues. Also FMIL has a terrible relationship with her MIL to the point she says in front of DFH and I "why can't she just die already?". It's hard to hear .. Please ladies. I've reached out, been kind and polite.. give me advice or at least let me know I'm not alone.