August 15, 2020, 01:12:39 pm

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"Welcome to WiseWomenUnite.com -- When adult children marry and leave home, life can sometimes get more complex instead of simpler.  Being a mother-in-law or daughter-in-law can be tough.  How do we extend love and support to our mothers-in-law, adult children, daughters-in-law, sons-in-law, and grandchildren without interfering?  What do we do when there are communication problems?  How can we ask for help when we need it without being a burden?  And how do our family members feel about these issues?  We invite you to join our free forum, read some posts... and when you're ready...share your challenges and wisdom."


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Messages - jdtm

1
Grab Bag / Re: 50th Wedding Anniversary
November 04, 2018, 04:37:00 pm
Thanks Luise.  Sometimes, just being acknowledged is sufficient.  We will be taking a trip this winter, not sure where yet, except it will be warm. 
2
Grab Bag / 50th Wedding Anniversary
November 04, 2018, 05:35:17 am
Here I am complaining again!  This week-end, my husband and I celebrated 50 years of marriage.  Our marriage has been very blessed - health, finances, good friends and family.  So, what is the problem?  Everyone, and I mean everyone, forgot!  My husband and I went out to dinner on the said date - it was a nice dinner but it was not a special dinner.  During the meal a  couple of tears escaped my left eye (I'm sure my husband did not notice). 

I guess we should have planned something but it would have been thoughtful and, yes loving, if someone (anyone) had given us a moment's notice by sending a card, a telephone call or even a text message. 
3
Adult Sons and/or Adult Daughters / Re: Easter
March 30, 2018, 07:12:40 am
QuoteI think the hardest part for me is hearing others talk about the great times they have with their grandchildren.


Me too.  So, I smile and change the topic of conversation or quietly walk away.  I am happy for them; but try as I might, it is sad for me.  Then, I try to focus on all the blessings in my life (and I have many).  Happy Easter ...
4
Adult Sons and/or Adult Daughters / Re: Easter
March 27, 2018, 12:16:25 pm
I understand totally.  We have two sons; two DILs, four grandchildren and several step grandchildren.  This year I just don't feel well enough to host Easter (even at a restaurant).  I do not know what either are doing - can't call and ask.  So, do I purchase chocolate candy just in case someone drops in?  Probably will and then what to do with it (and no, eating it is not an option).   Anyway, probably will go to church and then out to a restaurant with hubby (or fast food place as we won't have reservations).

Each year is easier but not much.  Hopefully the weather will be nice - that helps. Sorry - not much help - sad too ...
5
Quote
She tells that my son will be grateful and will know in his heart that his mother is will love him no matter what.  So this is what I have continued to do although many times I ask myself if this is all worth it


Yes, it is worth it.  I have lived this - many years before I realized how important it was to "be there" (although invisibly).  Often, we just have to "suck it up"'and take the high road.  It will never be the same, but it can be good again.  Keep believing ....
6
Grab Bag / Re: 91st Birthday
March 09, 2018, 09:45:02 am
Wishing you a healthy and happy year ahead ...
7
QuoteI know it would cause a great deal of conflict between them as a couple but I just can't grasp the concept that my DS would not fight for people he supposedly cares about. 


This also happened to me.  But I know why our son would not confront our former DIL (eventually she left our son and abandoned her children).  If she did not get her way, she would rage and rage, for days/weeks, causing extreme turmoil.  Our son, at times, would remove the children from the home for days.  He would not leave her; I feel she was mentally ill.  Unfortunately, I witnessed two episodes - beyond anything I could have imagined.  I hope your situation is less severe.
8
Your DIL sounds very similar to our former DIL.  Everything I did, said, even thought, was wrong.  I could not win.  So, since you asked for advice - I think you are doing the wise thing - "be still and quiet".  As for her birthday, send a nice card (and if you feel like sending a gift, include a gift card to her favourite coffee shop).  And, I would try to forget ... after all, you have done all that you could.  All the best in the new year ....
9
If you are a new member, welcome.

First of all, I siuspect your relationship has not ended.  It has; however, taken a different road.  All of us here are on "different roads" from what we planned or expected.  One statement you will hear is "what you focus on, expands", so right now (and I know how hard it is) your focus needs to be on yourself - do whatever makes you happy - reading, baking, crafts, writing etc. and especially exercising.  If your son son is living with another family (assuming they are good people), then he is fed, nurtured and safe.  Keep the door open - if he is coming around, that is really good news.  I suspect he just needs "growing" room - and he needs to see that you can survive without him.   I am so sorry -
10
Thanks Marina - actually a lot of your last post does apply to our granddaughter.  I still pray she will be O.K. - that is all I can really do now.  She is an adult and her life is in her hands. 
11
Well - I did that wrong.  I was trying to copy your quote "I'm walking on eggshells trying not to do anything wrong" - must have hit "post" before I intended.  Anyway, what I was wanting to comment on was your phrase "walking on eggshells".  If you Google this phrase, there will be many hits - perhaps some of the information might be of help.  At least, it helped me.

It is sad - but I believe that some people cannot "share love".  It is as though they believe "love" is finite, and thus nothing is left over for others.  How sad - the opposite is true - the more love is shared, the more love there is - infinite.  This selfcenteredness is hurtful for everyone - including the selfcenterd one.  I feel for you  - our former DIL sounds similar to your son's finance.  Our son was married to her for many years, finally, she left our son and abandoned he children.  Her selfcenterdness finally won - she got tired of "looking after" others and simply left.    How sad for her.  And even though it is better for us, her children have paid a price.  As others have said, you are not alone.  I feel for you ..
12
I'm walking on eggshells trying not to do anything wrong.
13
Thanks Marina - a different perspective- and one that makes sense and one that never occurred to me.  It is amazing how much we can learn from each other - as only those who have "lived it", get it".
14
Thanks Pen.  And thanks to this site which allows one to vent, as well as to "mull over" scenarios and solutions...
15
Thanks Kate - I intend to invite her to every family get-together that I control.   According to her maternal grandparents/relatives, she is treating them the same way, so at least I know it is not personal (just found this out),  I have decided to continue with the invitations (same as her brother) but expect nothing in return.  Gifts will be given in person - cards (no funds inside) will be sent through mail or computer.  I pray she is safe.