My 22 year old DD, her 24 year old fiance and 3 year old GD all live with my self, DH and youngest DD who is 19. My 22yr old DD does not speak to us, she will answer some questions with one word but rarely anything more especially with me. I have tried to speak to her, ask her if something was wrong or if she was upset about something , nope she says. Awhile ago maybe 4-5 months ago she did tell me and my husband that we treat our youngest daughter so much differently than we treat her. I really dont think that we do but our youngest daughter and us get along very well and have a great relationship. I dont know what to do anymore, I try to speak with her, ask her if she wants to go bumming around at stores or out to lunch, her response is usually she is busy and never will mention it again. I asked her today if I made an appointment to go to speak with someone if she would come with , she said no I would not! DD does alot of activities with her fiancecs family sometimes multiple times per week but she is always to busy to join us to do anything. Both my DD and her fiance work partime and are in their last year of school fulltime. We have kicked them out before because of how disrespectful she was to us. They all came back last year and things were good for the most part but now she just doesnt talk to us! Her Fiance and my GD come ome or she gets a phone call and she is the happiest laughing person you ever met, I dont get it and it is stressing me out!!!!!
Welcome back, M. No small wonder you are stressed! It seems to me the more you give the worse it gets. Did you set any boundaries after they moved back in regarding what you would and would not tolerate?
I hit a place with my eldest son that in some ways reminds me of your situation. (I also have a younger son who hasn't taken the same road at all.) My eldest did a stint in the Marines in Viet Nam right out of high school, came home, and married at 20. He was a young, unseasoned adult who thought he was all grown up. They didn't live with us but our relationship still deteriorated when they immediately became parents.
I look back, now, as a great-grandmother, and see a huge credibility gap between young adult and mature adult. My son found pretending he had it all handled daunting and decided it was all my fault. He never was able to reverse that position and walking on eggshells became the norm. He, like all of us with few exceptions, had to make choices and suffer the consequences regarding the lessons life had to teach him. Blame is an option for some. I wonder if he thought I should have done a better job as a mom, so he could skip 'learning his way into responsibility'?
It seems to me that your home is being violated. Your 19-year-old is still your responsibility but your elder son and his family are not. You have still offered support while they are in school. However, it doesn't seem to me that abuse and disrespect should be part of it. I know it is and feel, from what you have written, that you are about to take affirmative action to restore peace and quiet in your home. Is that the case?
We are here for you and will walk with you whatever you decide. I just want to add that I think you deserve better and the only person who can give that to you, is you.