My son called me and said he had just left therapy and was going home to tell his wife he wanted a divorce. He said they have only had sex 5 times in 18 months. They've been married 6 years. He also approached us 8 months after they got married and said they had only had sex 4 times in 8 months. His therapist had told him his wife was probably asexual and he had to decide whether to live with that or not.
She asked him to go to her therapist, who told him wife was not asexual. They started couple's therapy with DIL's therapist.
Husband and I feel angry at DIL for hurting our son for so long. We were kind and supportive and sent them to therapy after the first incident, and then stayed out of it. We never asked them if it was better or not.
This time, we feel angry, and want to make him report to us about the sex. We think he should have separated from her. He did not. He agreed to try couple's therapy.
We feel like we cannot be around them, we are angry at her. Advice, please? We think she is probably asexual, as son's therapist suggested, and feel hopeless about her changing.
As a mom I cannot imagine expecting or wanting to be involved or included in such a sensitive and private matter where my sons are concerned. It wouldn't be my place to tell them how often they should or shouldn't be having sex. That, to me, just sounds truly bizarre. I think some things are best left to the couple to deal with and I think this is one of them.
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I'd first like to say is that this forum does not offer advice, as none of us is trained to provide that. We do share, listen and offer support and encouragement.
What I figured out after countless anxiety-filled days and sleepless nights, after I had attempted many ways to try to get her to leave her boyfriend, was that my daughter's relationship issues were and are her own to solve. My only job is/was to listen, and sometimes I don't even go there, telling her instead that some issues are her own to figure out (with or without therapy). I don't want or need to know specifics, things that will only upset or worry me. When I tried to set up conditions for her boyfriend in order to have him be part of our lives, it just made all of us miserable since it put me in the awkward position of trying to monitor his behavior and led both of them to lie about what was really going on in their relationship. When I stayed out of the whole situation, my daughter was able to see things more clearly and make up her own mind. When I stuck my nose in it, she just tended to take his side against me, even if she actually agreed with me. She did finallly break up with him, but not until my husband and I stepped back and let her see how hard her life was with him and that he had no intention of changing. That process took way longer than we thought, and I'd have been a basket case if not for this website, supportive family and friends, and a good therapist.
My take is that by inserting yourself into your son's relationship, he won't make his own decisions and come to his own conclusions about his wife. Instead, I'd focus on things that are within my control, which are finding ways to create my own joy in life. Yes, it can be done and it is a great feeling of freedom and lightness when it happens.
Thank you so much for your responses! They are both helpful, and I am so glad to have an outside opinion. Thank you for answering.