I got divorced when my three children were 1, 4 and 5. Dad was (is?) an alcoholic and doled out abuse during the marriage and afterwards. Having grown up with divorced parents (who remarried) and lots of anger surrounding everything, I tried not to fall into the trap of berating my ex, their dad. In the 10 years following the divorce, I was the victim of my ex's rage - lost the small house I bought after the divorce and ended up moving based on whatever financial punishment he could come up with that hurt me and by association, our children. Fast forward, my older two kids are successful adults (the youngest is another sad story). They are both married (my daughter to her second husband) and my son has two very young children. I centered my life around my kids - took jobs that would cover health insurance and did not require overtime, attended every sports game, concert, play, etc. Needless to say, I've been scraping by for many years. We haven't had vacations together, it's been years since we saw each other on holidays, whereas dad and stepmom fly them to their home for holidays, took them skiing for years, went on cruises, road trips, vacations in Mexico and the Bahamas, etc. None of this would be a big deal if my kids were kind and respectful to me. Weddings have been awful. I didn't have the money to fly, stay in a fancy hotel and so on. I couldn't contribute money for my daughter's first wedding but my mother would have had we known it was going to be a formal event. Dad and stepmom were center stage - I was set aside. My family was only invited at my request to my daughter's first wedding. They were not invited to subsequent events. I couldn't go to my daughter's second wedding last year without her help so I didn't go. She can't remember telling me she'd help then being annoyed when I tried to work out travel arrangements. (I know, this is long winded!) I've gone through some scary times - was injured and couldn't work four years ago, was briefly homeless. The point (finally!) is that they resent my pointing out that they treat me like I'm not worthy of their assistance in being able to visit them or see my grandchildren. I'm not poor because I was home smoking crack or squandering money on frivolous things but because of post divorce shenanigans by my ex that left me constantly off balance and broke, and setting aside career type jobs for secretarial work. I shared my feelings, especially the hurt I feel because they look down on me and don't care to acknowledge how I ended up this way. I give up. I don't like way they behave towards me and I'm taking the rather large hint to bug off. I'll move forward and expect nothing and protect myself from further emotional distress. Sound about right? At 65, I don't have decades of life left and want to be happy even if it means accepting that I've been cut out of their lives.
Don't despair, you are worth so much more than your kids could begin to understand.
I hear and feel your pain. My DD treats me like garbage, she yells at me, calls me names, lies and twists things I've said or not said, manipulates, aims to control me and has told me that she hates me because I ruined her childhood. Whereas her brother, thinks I'm ok (well for now anyway).
I used to tolerate DDs abuse so I didnt miss out on seeing my beautiful GD. But that's now changing. I've had enough! I'm starting to take a step back, regaining my self respect and not let DD affect me with her abusive treatment, I'm looking after me, because (like you) I have done my best as a mother and until she has walked a mile in my shoes, wont ever fully understand the sacrifices that most mothers make out of love for their (ungrateful) offspring!
Hugs to you Citipearl, you will be ok, hang in there Xx
Welcome, C. We ask all new members to go to our Homepage and under Open Me First, to read the posts placed there for you. Please pay special attention to the Forum Agreement to be sure WWU is a fit. We're a monitored Website.
I came to the same conclusion with my eldest son. By accepting his abuse, I was teaching my grandsons it was Ok.
I, too, had to let go of my biological role and find a new identity. Now, as I look back on it, I'm so glad I did. I deserved better and so do you! Hugs...