My DD and SIL recently welcomed their first child, a beautiful GS. I should be beaming with joy, but instead I'm sad, hurt and becoming resentful. I dont just feel left out, I am left out of our GS's life. I'm disappointed with DD, but irritated and tired of her controlling MIL.
In the day of the engagement I saw the transformation of her future MIL. The dominating control is getting to be too much for me, and to a point I feel like giving up on trying to be part of my DD's life. I'll see her when I see her, hey no expectations means no disappoinments.
When the kids told us they were pregnant was exciting but I also felt I didn't exist. They made their announcement to his parent's by taking them out to this very nice steak house. The kids presented to my DD's MIL a present and when she opened it, there were a pair of baby booties. Mind you all this is being video taped for posting on social media. The MIL cried the FIL started dancing and the restaurant goes were clapping. The next day the kids came over to give my DH his birthday present. As he opened is present my DD told me I can play with it too (that was it for announcing I'm going to be a grandma). It was a sleeve of golf balls that had printed "You've been promoted to Grandpa". We were super excited. The kids shared the video of his mom opening her gift and my heart sunk just as it did when I found out my DD's MIL took "MY" DD shopping for her wedding dress.
We were told the kids wanted to alone for the birth, which I understood and respected. While in waiting room, DD wanting both me & MIL to come see her. Her labor was really tuff and I started to tear up seeing my DD in so much pain. Both MIL and went back to waiting room and shortly DIL came to see us and asked MIL to come back. They decided I couldn't handle being in the room, so I missed out on the birth. We all went to see new GS and of course MIL was the first to hold the baby. Everyone congratulated MIL on becoming a grandma, not "grandmas", in fact nothing was said to me. I even had to push my way through the others just to see my DD.
We've probably seen him 10 times, because I've ve driven over to their house, again this is perfectly fine. I've been able to babysit him 3 times, which was awesome. Now as for DD MIL & family, it's 3 & 4 times a week AND the kids go over to there place several times during the week. Originally my DD asked if I would help with childcare. I don't work and was looking forward to it. MIL & family have a very successful business, and MIL would try and help one day a week.
SIL now has his own business and works out of the house, so he cares for GS. I told him to call me anytime if he had meetings or needs a break. I've been called 3 times. Apparently he has needed a sitter several times every week, which has been his mom. I discovered my 3 days with my GS was because his mom was busy
Thursday I asked my DD what time would SIL be dropping GS off at our house. SIL and hubby were playing in a golf tournament. She said MIL will have GS. Also this weekend the kids are going out of town for their business. I, again, asked about babysitting. Her same reply, he'll be with MIL. She later called me to say she forgot to ask me if I would take/babysit their dogs. She doesn't even think of me to babysit my GS, good to know I'm allowed to see my grand-puppies.
We all live within 20 minutes of each other. I'm having a hard time processing the fact that MIL isn't willing to even share the weekend so we both can spend time with our GS. I've talked to my DH & he knows how it is affecting me. He just says "that's the way she is, SIL is a mommy's boy and under her control". My daughters and I have always had a fun, close, healthy mom-daughter and they have a great daddy-daughter bond. The girls are 8 years apart and the best of friends, we are blessed. I'm having that same sick feeling I had when future MIL took charge of my DD & SIL's wedding (400+ guests & cost of $64,000). DD allowed and is still allowing this women to kick me to the curb as if I didn't exist.
At times I think I'm over reacting, but my friends & relatives have noticed this woman's need for control. I only shared with my bff and DH how much my DD has hurt me. One day my youngest DD comes up and hugs me. She then tells me she will never do to me what her big sister has done. Come to find out my youngest DD feels the same way. Her comment to me was "I've been tossed aside, even his little cousins come before me". She is referring to Christmas. The kids have to go to his aunt's house first thing i
n the morning to watch his little cousins open their presents. Then it's over to MIL's for their Christmas and then everyone converges to grandma and grandpa's for a big Christmas breakfast. And finally they fit us in for maybe 3 hours max because they have to be back to MIL's the big family Christmas time. My two girls created their own sister Christmas traditions and my DD tosses her lil sis aside for her new family, not even try to speak up and let her MIL know we are also a priority in life. This is with each and every holiday now. I've already told myself and mentally preparing that we won't be seeing our GS much during the holidays.
My DH has been talking about moving out of state, which I have been against because of the kids. Our youngest and her boyfriend have already said they will be moving out of state due to cost of living. Now when the subject of moving comes up, I'm more open to the possibility. Seriously it really won't matter if I'm 2-3 hours away my GS. I'm only 20 minutes away now and I never see him. At least being out of state and not knowing much about my GS will sound better when my girlfriend's inquire. Because with they ask now it sounds like a uninvolved grandmother.
I'm at a loss, my heart hurts and I'm exhausted. Why can't people understand how their actions affect others?
Oh NG I know exactly what you are talking about!! My disenfranchisement started before the wedding. We were asked to provide the rehearsal dinner (which we did at considerable expense) told two weeks before the wedding that we couldn't serve alcohol (my family always serves it!) we were not invited to the rehearsal and never asked to their apartment for anything other that to help them clean and paint. When they announced that they were pregnant my DH's first words were "Well we better move away" because he knew how much they had hurt my feelings already and he was aware that the GC would only add to the angst. That was when I had had enough. I started looking at my life differently. I stopped looking at my DIL's facebook page. I started telling myself "No news is good news" and "What you focus on expands" and I turned my focus to the things I enjoyed. It is amazing how my life pivoted! All of the sudden my DH and I were much happier and life did not look so desperately hopeless.
When my brothers /sister asked about my DS/DIL I would say "not my circus, not my monkeys" and move to another topic because I really did not know how they were and I was relying on the "no news is good news" axiom. When I thought about my DS I would actively pull my thoughts away and start planning something fun for myself and my DH. We went canoeing on Thanksgiving day because I did not want to sit at home and bemoan the fact that he was not there. We ate our turkey and dressing another day (when the weather was rainy and staying in the kitchen was not such a chore). That was all about 6 years ago and for a long time I did not see my GC very often. It is funny how if you are the grandparent they don't get to see often (and can therefore spoil them rotten!) they look forward to seeing you so much more. They spent almost every afternoon with the other grands and eventually my DS started making comments about how the other grands let them get away with everything and how difficult it was to re educate them to the rules of his house. Now I get to see them quite often and it is a total delight! My DIL avoids me like the plague which suits me fine.
Anyway the point is that even though you may feel like there is no hope for you there is. The first thing that I had to do was stop running after them (phone, texts, emails, facebook) and start enjoying my own life!
Good luck to you!! Hugs!!
Oh my goodness! I was so involved in replying I forgot to give you the welcome spiel!! Here it is !
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Welcome, N. At first I found it nearly impossible to get that's how things were. I didn't even know about...'what you focus on expands' and the obvious answer, which is 'what you pass on contracts'. My life was about not having it be how it was and keeping track of every hurt. Things didn't change in my case...but I eventually did and my life opened up to the peace and joy I found elsewhere when I finally saw I had a choice and took it. Many hugs!
newgranny, I am so sorry for what you are going through. It is such a wonder to have a new baby in the family. but then to have that joy taken away for no reason is heartbreaking. I have been going through this for many years. We have two grandchildren and live an hour away from my DS. His MIL lives 4 hours away but is with them all the time. When she visits, and stays for days, we were told we couldn't visit. It still continues. It hurts so much that we are not included in activities and our calls to check in or ask for a visit go unanswered. When I do disconnect because I have had enough things can go silent for weeks.
I find it is better when I let things go and don't push or ask for anything. It only hurts me and their life goes on it's merry way.
We love them. We have so much to offer - time, love, adventures. They are missing out. It is their choice.
Keep coming to this site. So many go through this problem and it has been so helpful for me to come here and vent.
Good luck to you. I hope that someday or sometime things change. And whenever you do get to spend time with your grandson, enjoy and love him like crazy!