My daughter just recently got married by court. It was never the wedding I dreamt for her. Supposedly it was just so that he'd get his pay increase and they could afford a bigger wedding. But now he stays at our house on weekends with her in her room. It's really hard for me because no one out of our home know of them being married and being married intimately. My daughter knew of our values prior and she stated that it was just to be able to afford a formal wedding. His family are very religious and none of them know they're already married.
I have a hard time every time he's here. Both of them literally do nothing but stay in her room the entire weekend. They attend Sunday church with us and there too no one knows their married.
I have suggested she moves with him and does the married life in its entirety, but she and I had planned on working together prior to her marrying him. I feel like they deceived and manipulated us to just be able to be together. Mind you he stays here every weekend, which we thought was just temporary, but it's been 4 months now. She does his laundry here and he enjoys all the amenities my husband and I provided for her. My daughter feels like I'm throwing her out of the house when I suggest she moves with him. I'm not, I just don't want to continue with the games..... I feel disappointed in knowing she probably won't have a wedding. Or if they do his family is spared of all the details of how this all played out. They get to see and hear the fake planning while I sit here seeing/feeling like he's a moocher. I get angry because I feel my daughter compromised our family values for this guy. Financially my husband and I barely make it. I have lost so much trust in her. I feel like they/she manipulated this whole thing. I have a big problem against her. Any suggestions? ??? Obviously I can't talk about this in my own circle. I can't even share this with my husband in fear of possibly adding another to feel as I do.
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We can't give advice here, none of us are professionals, but we can listen and share our experience. If we have none that is similar, we can guess what we might do. (?)
My guess is that the first thing I would have to do would be to share my concerns with my husband, so we could move ahead together to reclaim our home. No one has ever 'made' me do something. I have seen myself as always having a choice although I have lived to regret some of them. When I make a mistake it is hard to back-paddle but it's the only way I know of to set things straight. If I don't, I'm condoning what is happening and can't blame it on others. I hope you will hear from other members. No two responses are ever alike. Sending hugs[size=78%]...[/size]
Sorry you are going though this, I will let you know that since your Son In Law is married, he gets more money from the Navy for basic things for having a wife, not to mention that he would be allowed a housing allowance to live off base, or if they qualify they can live on base housing for free. If they don't want that option I would charge them room and board. You can google Navy pay rates and you can see what he makes each month, and then decide what yours and hubby's next move is. My gut feeling is something is going on, why would she not want to be with her husband? I even moved to a foreign country with my husband when we were 1st married and he joined the military. You and your husband need to sit down and decide what you both want, and then approach your daughter and son in law to lay down the law that you and hubby has set up.
My take on reading your post is that your daughter and her husband made their decisions, and you get to make yours. I've told my daughter that once she gets married that she and her future husband are on the hook for all finances (insurance, medical bills, loans, etc.). Also they would NOT be living in my house. That's what would work for me. Wishing you the best!
Hi M! I, too, am sorry that you are having to deal with this abuse. The only way I got out of the abuse I was enduring (different but still abuse) was by deciding that I would rather not be around my DS the way he was than to have to put up with his and my DIL's abuse. Once I really felt that in my heart he felt the change in me. For some reason after a few months he started expressing a desire to be around me again and we have gradually gotten to know each other as adults. I know that there was a very real possibility that I would never have a close relationship with him again when I pulled away but I honestly could not tolerate the relationship the way that it was. I decided that I deserved to be treated better and if I did not get that better treatment from him then I would not be around him. I would spend my time and effort on people who treated me better.
You will know when you reach that point and we will be here to listen to you and offer suggestions on how to get through this with your sanity. Your DD is old enough to get married so she is responsible for her own happiness. You deserve to enjoy your life. Seems to me that your DD has her own lessons to learn and her own mistakes to make. Let her do just that and start enjoying your life!! Hugs!!