We have known dil for 15 years. I feel that she has no use for us - when they visit she is on her cell constantly or hiding in another room avoiding everyone.
She met someone whose name is spelled the same as my hubby's but pronounces it differently, and now, 3 times so far, when we see her, she asks my hubby how he says his name! The first time she said "What is your name? How do you pronounce it?" He explained the family connection. The second time, she did the same "What is your name? I keep getting confused". He is so unruffled but it bothers me no end. This last visit it happened again.
How can you forget anyone's name, especially your fil's - someone you've known for years? We only see them about 3-4 times a year even though they live only an hour away. I questioned son this last time and he says the wrong name just slipped out. i say disrespectful!
I feel it is another way to show how little she thinks of us. We do a lot for them - gifts, lending money. We try to show love when we see them. She doesn't deal with us often - how hard is it to suck it up for a few times a year and be gracious?
With regard to your thread title, as Luise often says, you can't make sense of the senseless. Sounds like DIL just isn't trying to maintain a relationship. That seems really challenging for you and your husband. In my case, I was glad to not see my daughter if she was going to act rude in my presence. Who needed that? I didn't have to deal with the negativity and could enjoy my time more instead of fuming about her disrespect. The thing that was hard to get over was comparing the infrequency of her visits to the close relationships of my friends/relatives and their daughters. Things only got better when I stopped the comparison and just realized she was on a different path. I could still choose to enjoy my time with the people who wanted to be in the same room with me and cared about me. Fortunately when I looked around, there were lots of people like that. So my daughter wasn't one of them - oh, well. Actually, I did have a lot of pain for a long time, but when her disrespect finally made me mad enough, I was ready to call her on it and accept whatever the consequences were - even if she permanently wanted to end our relationship. I was confident that I'd been a "good enough" parent and whatever I'd done for her had been out of great love. She would have to decide how to treat me. It sure sounds like you have gone above and beyond for your son and DIL and you've been putting up with some lousy treatment in return.
I hear you, G. What I had to tell myself, more times than I care to admit, was to 'stop cluttering it up with logic.' There was none. I stopped the gifts and money because even though I tried not to, there were expectations connected to them. I thought being treated with respects was reasonable. Nope...